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[paranoidmarvin]

Ending Ancients

SUMMARY: Constantine’s out. He’s done with the occult and he’s done with magic. But when the most ancient threat to humanity steps out from the pages of legend, John finds that maybe the occult isn’t quite as done with him. And maybe, just maybe, John doesn’t have as much of a problem with that as he thinks.

CHARACTERS/PAIRING: John Constantine/OC (nonbinary)

WORD COUNT: 973

WARNINGS: Depictions of smoking

A/N: In which a basement gremlin rewrites biblical lore and ends up technically committing blasphemy in an enemies to lovers (possible) longfic.

Fire flared up from the ancient, dented lighter, creating curling smoke from where tobacco glowed.

“Listen, mate, I already told you: I’m done with that business.” Constantine took another drag of his cigarette. “You’re not goin’ to be able to just flash me somethin’ shiny and think it’ll pull me back in again all easy-like.”

Chaz rolled his eyes at the words. “I’m not saying you have to come out of retirement, John. I’m just saying you have a knack for finding trouble, and we need to find it. Fast. Signs are pointing toward us not having much time left before this demon or whatever shows up and all hell breaks loose.”

“I’m not runnin’ around lettin’ some demon get a whiff of me. That’s practically beggin’ to let the occult barge right back into me life. Now, you can grab a beer and stay for the match and not bring up anymore talk o’ demon hunting,” Constantine nudged the cooler by his feet toward his oldest friend, “or you can kindly fuck right off.”

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[paranoidmarvin]

this line hit like a 16 wheeler doing 80 on the freeway

[paranoidmarvin]

[paranoidmarvin]

On it, boss!

I find it unfathomable and astounding that Tumblr isn't more obsessed with Sam Reich. You're telling me there exists out there a man who was born into the aristocracy of our country—with every privilege of modern society at his fingertips—who didn't complete high school (due to his mental health) and instead chose to devote his life to making strangers laugh and raising awareness on mental health. A full-bearded short king who is so committed to being the change he wants to see in the world that he decided to take the company he worked for into his own hands so that he could make sure all the people who worked under him could keep their livelihoods.

How many other CEOs are out here being as honest and transparent with their target audience/market as Sam Reich is? How many of them acknowledge when they fumble and continuously strive to be better than they were? How many of them actually seem like they respect their talent, both in the cast and crew? Sam Reich is the standard we should be holding other CEOs to.

But forget about all that (I could talk for a long time about the respect I have for Sam Reich)—ignore just how respectable he is as a businessman and a person. Ignore all the wholesome reasons for obsessing over Sam Dalton Reich.

The man is a stone-cold fox.

He's a little chaos gremlin and an absolute evil mastermind all rolled into one classy suit and well-groomed beard. Whenever Sam is on the set, you can guarantee he is going to make you crack a smile. And for someone with such natural authority, he's never afraid to be the butt of a joke and show himself being embarrassed. Go ahead, watch any clip of him trying to improvise in No Laugh Newsroom and just try to resist that blush.

You're sleeping on a goldmine of a man, here, damnit! And I will NOT let this go ignored any longer!

[paranoidmarvin]

I find it unfathomable and astounding that Tumblr isn't more obsessed with Sam Reich. You're telling me there exists out there a man who was born into the aristocracy of our country—with every privilege of modern society at his fingertips—who didn't complete high school (due to his mental health) and instead chose to devote his life to making strangers laugh and raising awareness on mental health. A full-bearded short king who is so committed to being the change he wants to see in the world that he decided to take the company he worked for into his own hands so that he could make sure all the people who worked under him could keep their livelihoods.

How many other CEOs are out here being as honest and transparent with their target audience/market as Sam Reich is? How many of them acknowledge when they fumble and continuously strive to be better than they were? How many of them actually seem like they respect their talent, both in the cast and crew? Sam Reich is the standard we should be holding other CEOs to.

But forget about all that (I could talk for a long time about the respect I have for Sam Reich)—ignore just how respectable he is as a businessman and a person. Ignore all the wholesome reasons for obsessing over Sam Dalton Reich.

The man is a stone-cold fox.

He's a little chaos gremlin and an absolute evil mastermind all rolled into one classy suit and well-groomed beard. Whenever Sam is on the set, you can guarantee he is going to make you crack a smile. And for someone with such natural authority, he's never afraid to be the butt of a joke and show himself being embarrassed. Go ahead, watch any clip of him trying to improvise in No Laugh Newsroom and just try to resist that blush.

You're sleeping on a goldmine of a man, here, damnit! And I will NOT let this go ignored any longer!

[paranoidmarvin]

I need someone to be my chewtoy. Someone that doesn't mind having light bruises littering their arms. Someone that understands that sometimes I just need to bite, it doesn't need to be hard either I just like to hold onto occasionally.

[paranoidmarvin]

my main requirement in a partner is someone who's willing to "yes, and" me. if i say something completely insane i need them to just pick that up and run with it and commit to the bit until we wind up with a conversation that's funny to us but completely incoherent to everyone within earshot. actually now that i'm typing this out i've realised my ideal relationship might just be "shitty improv comedy duo"

[paranoidmarvin]

Kerbal Space Program was once afflicted by a bug the fans dubbed the "Deep Space Kraken", whereby if you travelled far enough from the origin of the game's coordinate system, floating point rounding errors would cause your spacecraft's components to become misaligned and/or clip into each other, resulting in the craft falling apart or exploding for no obvious reason.

The bug was later fixed by defining the active spacecraft itself as the origin of the game's coordinate system. In effect, the spacecraft no longer moves; instead, the spacecraft remains stationary and the entire universe moves around it. Owing to how relativity works, to the player this is indistinguishable from the spacecraft moving about within a fixed coordinate system, and it ensures that the body of the craft and its components will always be modelled with maximal precision.

While elegant, this solution introduced a new problem: it was now possible, by doing certain stupid tricks with relativistic velocities, to introduce floating point rounding errors to everything except the active spacecraft. In extreme cases, this could result in the destruction of the entire observable universe.

Some might call this one of those situations where the solution proves to be worse than the problem. I call it a perfect expression of what Kerbal Space Program is truly about.

[paranoidmarvin]

[paranoidmarvin]

cats are marvellous creatures

[paranoidmarvin]

you are like an empty tip jar

[paranoidmarvin]

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out because my kinks aren't weirdly specific enough. The folks who get off on the most narrowly contrived scenarios always seem to be having the most fun.

[paranoidmarvin]

Why must my feelings be "rational"? Is it not enough to sit quietly in my hawaiian shirt, deranged?

[paranoidmarvin]

[paranoidmarvin]

[paranoidmarvin]