partytime33

[partytime33]

Me ranting about the Mario Movie

MAJOR SPOILERS!!!! I just finished watching the movie and I'm gonna go on a massive rant, how could this not have spoilers. Also, "minor" swearing and Bowuigi shipping.

Lets start with the characters shall we?

Okay, first off, Chris Pratt wasn't as bad as he could've been, so no complaints there.

Luigi, purest bean who ever lived, SO WHERE IS HIS PLOT RELEVANCE??!??!?!

Peach is such a BAD-ASS! YOU GO GIRL!! YOU AIN'T NO PRINCESS YOU'RE A MOTHERTRUCKING QUEEN.

Toad, Good, really enjoyed his parts.

Donkey Kong, Funny at points but overall is just annoying.

Cranky Kong, Good! Considering how bad his son was.

That leader Para-trooper with the blue shell armour, excellent. Will talk about him later.

Now, to get to the big one, everyone already knows that Jack Black was amazing in the trailer, and Jack Black is. The problem is Bowser's motives. SPOILERS STARTING PROPERLY NOW.

Bowser's lines have changed slightly in the trailer. The biggest dip is when he's questioning Luigi, who takes half the movie to get to his castle, and Bowser says;

"I'm not sure if you know who I am. But I'm about to marry a princess, and rule the world."

Then Luigi replies with his typical unenthusiastic "yay" (which if you ask me is so monotone because he's disappointed that this beast is taken) with the chin tilt we know and love.

Basically, Bowser's entire reason for ruling the world is because he loves Peach and stole the super star just to impress her enough to ask for her hand in marriage.

This is redeemed slightly, because he plans to just use the star and destroy the mushroom kingdom if she refuses his marriage proposal. But it cannot make up for the cringe-fest that is shown for a good portion of Bowser's scenes.

There was a clip of Bowser playing a piano, which, further confirmed the rumor that Bowser would have a song. This rumor turned out to be true, with the most awful song in recent movie years. (Lyrically wise, Jack Black fricking killed those notes)

The song is like; ooh Peach, you're so cool, come live with me and rule. Ya da ya da, heterosexual love interest which no one could care anyless about. Then Kamek comes in and tells him about Mario, to which Bowser responds with, "is the princess into him?" And if that isn't enough, the next scene Luigi is FINALLY IN BOWSERS CASTLE!!! AND GUESS WHAT?? GUESS F*CKING WHAT?

ITS THE ONLY BLOODY SCENE THE TWO OF THEM INTERACT. ITS JUST THE INTEROGGATION AND THAT'S IT!!!!

Nothing else whatsoever!! Bowuigi Fandom, I'm sorry for the disappointment, there is the full body spin and the mustache rip and the chin tilt and then Bowser shoves the precious bean to the floor! That's it!

And you wanna know what we get instead? KAMEK DRESSING UP AS PEACH FOR BOWSER TO PRACTISE PROPOSING. WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF LIVING???

(I'd like to add here that the blue Lumalee has more lines and makes all the penguins depressed and insane)

NINTENDO WHERE DID KAMEK COME FROM? IF YOU'RE GONNA BE GAY ABOUT STUFF BE GAY WITH THE ACTUAL STUFF WE CARE ABOUT F***!!

And then, Nintendo, you have the AUDACITY to shove Luigi to the side? His whole plot relevance is just to give Mario an excuse to go on the big adventure with Peach! Sure he has that redemption bit at the end because he was "too scared".

There are SO many cliches in this movie, like family doesn't believe in start up company, slow-mo scream (there were FOUR of those.) And they use the phrase "Mamma mia!" SO TERRIBLY!

What really sucks is that the world building and animation style is GORGEOUS! It looks so good and is ruined by it's basic plot and cliche characters.

The Mario family is introduced, which adds physically nothing to the plot or the other characters. Foreman Spike is also in this, but is not used correctly. What I think should have been done, is that Spike actually sent the brothers down to the mega-pipe place after they left his company for the plumbing job and was hoping to get revenge on them for doing so!

But no, he's just used to make the brother's doubt themselves, which you know, THEIR FAMILY DOES MINUTES LATER.

On the plus side, my final note and my favorite part of the movie. The blue para-koopa who's incharge of the Koopa army. When the gang's on the rainbow road the para goes after Mario himself and tries to kill him. However, instead Mario and DK destroy his kart, it goes up in flames and the two celebrate. But then, out of the fire, he walks forward, an inch from death and yells, "You can't escape meee!" And get this;

You know how he's the only Koopa (seemingly) with a blue shell instead of green or red?

And you know how in the trailers we see when the Koopa get stomped they turn into shells?

"You can't escape me"...

He turns into, a blue shell, flies high above Mario's head and smashes down onto his kart, pretty much taken straight out of Mario Kart, sure it's a seemingly obvious gimmick, but that's what made it so worth it.

Right, felt good to spend an hour ranting about a movie made for kids! Didn't know what I expected from the company that made The Grinch, but thank you, for humouring me with your time and attention.