passage-of-thyme

[passage-of-thyme]

No actually I don't want an incurable illness I want to suffer a horrible accident but not actually die from it

I want doctors to not know whether I'll live or die, and I want to live and I want my parents to be so happy I lived that they'll just avoid arguing with me and maybe they'll have more patience please like fuck I'm trying

[passage-of-thyme]

I hate being alive maybe if they waited for a minute it wouldn't be me, it wouldn't be me here but they didn't and now I have to exist here and I hate it so much

I have no followers here so I can say whatever, but I wish they'd diagnose me with something incurable so I don't have to be here forever and everyone would be nice to me about it. I'd die, but I'm gonna do that eventually anyways, so whatever, I just wish more people were nice more often and I had an excuse to cry because right now all I do is take up time and effort, though maybe not much effort because nobody listens

I wish I was dead my own fucking body disgusts me sometimes but other times it's fine and I know it's not a transgender thing because I can be happy like this, with cute skirts and makeup, it makes me very happy sometimes

But holy shit sometimes I get changed and it disgusts me so bad I want to throw up but I can't avoid it because half my fucking room is mirrors because it's a built in closet

Sometimes this happens when I'm outside too, I'll be dressed in something cute and then I'll see myself in a mirror and suddenly the clothes feel weird my hair is itchy my earrings are poking me and everything is wrong and only because I looked at a mirror

I'm a disgusting fucking human nothing is alright and I'm losing my mind please I just want someone to help me god why doesn't anyone love me as they should

[passage-of-thyme]

I'm so fucking tired, actually. I'm a joke until I'm not funny, at which point I'm a problem. I have no energy for anything, my art feels gray and dull, schoolwork feels bitter and not even my games make me feel happy as I was before. My friends are boring, too self-centred. They make me feel like someone to be pitied rather than an actual friend.

Everything is simultaneously boringly monotone, and too overwhelming at the same time, but hey!

It's okay because in two days I'll be on top of the world again, I'll have the best friends ever, and none of this will have happened.

Until it happens again.

[passage-of-thyme]

Oh, of course, because nothing is ever allowed to be your fault. Ok.

[passage-of-thyme]

Eating is so fucking hard man

[passage-of-thyme]

LOOK AT ME DAMNIT

[passage-of-thyme]

There's too much competition and I'm not even his type

[passage-of-thyme]

Sigh.

[passage-of-thyme]

It's fine. She can have him. I don't care.

PLEASE CAN I JUST HAVE SOMEONE ONCE

[passage-of-thyme]

PLEASE CAN I JUST HAVE SOMEONE ONCE

[passage-of-thyme]

Days since I've had a total meltdown 13 0

[passage-of-thyme]

OH MY GOD SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN BAND I COULD NOT CARE LESS JUST OH MY GOD STOP TALKING TO ME!!!

[passage-of-thyme]

HWOA

[passage-of-thyme]

HAAAAAAAH HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU GODDAMNIT STOP LEAVE THEM TALK TO ME PLEASE

[passage-of-thyme]

Why the fuck would I ever assume they were talking about me

[passage-of-thyme]

I feel numb

[passage-of-thyme]

Whoa. I am very good at holding grudges.