passerpoints

[passerpoints]

Birdhouse

Hi Passer!

I'm happy to hear the letters reached you both well! Feel free to read Claire's letter if she lets you - its mostly just an introduction! I really miss getting in touch with you - the last time I called was tired craziness, and I miss just being able to chat. 

How have things been going with your new project? Well I hope? Do you run things on paper or electronically? Again let me know if you need help setting up anything like surveys or scheduling - I've done a lot of organization type stuff like that at work - so I'm able/ready to help you out!

Have you been writing at all recently? I'm always just curious - and while I said the pirate story prompt as a joke - I was half serious! I think you would make an incredible fantasy author! High Seas, blustering winds, emotional storms! The works!

That or maybe a music writer. I mean you are great with poetry - you should just start putting things to song, which I guess you probably do already, but I want to hear it!

Let me know when you think you will be able to visit! Our guest room is ready and welcome anytime!

<3

[passerpoints]

Salty Windows

Hi Passer, 

I couldnt see out my front window this morning because of all the salt! I wish MD got blizzards - we just get inches of snow that cause accidents and cold grumpy days!

Sorry it has been so long since my last posts. The month is quickly getting away from me! I'm so happy to hear you are liking the gym, minus the hurting. I did a "detox" that's essentially a whole30 with shakes this month and that's wrapping up next week. I also get to start crossfit next week which is super exciting. I liked the detox - I'm down around 10 lbs for the month - which is good i guess. Its basically 2 shakes a day and then a normal meal. The shakes were nice because im usually busy - so they made breakfast and dinner super easy. I made all my lunches on Sunday  - so that also simplified life for awhile. A little boring, but whatever works~

This year I really want to focus on self love. I want to figure out a way to make myself feel like I want to. Now I know this goes hand-in-hand with the body positivity thing - which I think can get a little out of control. Its not that I want to dislike how I look - but I want to lose weight so I feel better about how I look. I look in the mirror and can feel myself underneath all of it, and I just want to let that part be free. Meaning I'm going to focus on losing weight slow and steadily with crossfit and dieting - and just enjoy the size im in daily as I work it off. Slow and steady! That's my plan. Rather than be mad at myself that dieting even needs to be a thing, I'm just going to accept it and move forward. Thats what I hope anyway. 

ALSO sorry I always talk about weight loss/health. I make the assumption that you think the same way I do - and I dont want you to ever take things I say as "you should lose weight" or "you arent beautiful yet" because you are gorgeous! I bring it up because I like writing to you about how I want to be a better person and want to help you do the same!.. So yeah! Hopefully that makes sense!!!

Other news! I wanna play DnD with you because I think you would be an incredible fantasy writer! Hopefully some RP'ing will inspire you! When's the earliest you think you can come visit? *w* <3? I have homework now but its still worth coming down for hangout times!

Much Love,

Stay Cozy!!!

[passerpoints]

Letter Head

Hi Passer!

How are you?!

I wrote you a letter on normal lettery stationary! (I also wrote one for Claire). (did i spell her name wrong?) Included are some cute resin pieces and stickers! Unfortunately I couldnt find any of my findings since we are packing up to move - so the pieces are just pieces... but with a little eyelet screw or bail they would make cute necklaces/keychains!

I want to see you really badly. Do you know if you can come visit once we move? We are going to be in a new apartment of a similar size, except this one has room to do laundry and the guest room is more private! :D

I hope all is well with you - wait to send me a letter back just so you can send it to the new address!

All (really all) of my love!

[passerpoints]

Return Trip

I don't know why, but I have a strong urge to write you, although I don't know what I want to say.

I hope that your trip was fun and enjoyable. I look forward to stories about a pirate queen spending a week relaxing on the high seas. I've never been on a cruise before, so I'm curious - is it like a hotel or a resort? Did you feel the waves? Was the weather kind? So many questions...

The weekend you left on your trip Mark and I adopted a new kitten. We were originally going to take in a 13 year old cat that someone needed a home for. At the last minute, after our house was all prepped and ready, they called to say they had found the old man a home with one of their coworkers. 

Mark and I had spent the week reading about integrating a new cat, buying new toys and food, and so we felt a little empty nested on hearing the news. And so that Saturday we went to Petsmart and looked to adopt. There were other kittens, really young ones and black ones too. But two stood out to me. 

Previously on my trips to the store I had seen 2 orange tabby kittens in the window. It's weird to see young kittens be there longer than a month, so I was surprised when we saw them again. I cooed through the holes in the acrylic pens, and one seemed to really like me. He pressed up as hard as he could trying desperately for contact. 

I looked at Mark and he at me, and we decided to meet him in person. When we did, he went limp like a doll in my arms and purred so loudly his whole body shook. After nuzzling into both of us, we decided to take him home. Unfortunately we had to leave his brother behind. 

As it turns out - it was probably because of the pairing that the two weren't adopted. When we tried to adopt him a lot of pressure was put on us to adopt both, and that's most likely why no one had given them a chance. He comes from a rescue that takes kittens from high kill shelters, and so far he's fully adjusted into our family. 

...and so things move forward..

i guess in getting to the point of my writing..

In rereading the posts from before your trip I sense a lot of bitterness. I'm not really sure how to approach that, and I'd rather not ignore it, although I also don't want to be the one responsible for ruining post trip bliss. 

I feel like I'm a figure that flips sides for you in your stories. In some chapters I'm a dear old friend, and in others I'm a conniving villain, where as in my own story there hasn't been much change. I know a lot of times your family and friends at the time think bad of me because of things I have done or haven't done, and I guess its just that I don't understand what that means. 

All my best passer, 

[passerpoints]

Eels

Trained or untrained the only perspective that truly matters is your own.

For example – Last night I wasn’t feeling well so I watched a randomly selected Netflix documentary which happened to be about eels. This guy, who called himself and artist and a writer, randomly decided to learn more about eels because he got curious. You can watch the documentary if you like, but the end result was this. He met with about 6 people from around the world, japan, Europe, the US, New Zealand to learn about eels. And you know what? He didn’t really learn anything. All of these scientists, and researchers learned pretty much nothing about eels or their life cycles. After years of studying and dedicating their lives to them, the eels had pretty much eluded them.

And in the end, that was okay.

Not knowing was okay. You would think that coming back empty handed would have been terrible, but it was just the opposite. He was happy he knew nothing, because he got to meet others with interests like his own. It wasn’t a waste of time, but rather a period of growth. Maybe that’s all this is, as confusing as that sounds.

I can’t answer for you why you feel like you want to cry, and I can’t claim that any of those feelings aren’t valid. I’m not mad or frustrated. Just trying to help. I’m offering blackberry jam, even though you chose strawberry, because although you claimed strawberry was your favorite, it makes you cry.

Just because other people don’t think that eels or strawberry are the most important things in this world doesn’t mean that you need to change yourself for them or for me. 

[passerpoints]

Perspective Changes

I’m having trouble telling whether or not asking you to read that section of the book was a good idea. As I mentioned when I sent it to you – the book is not meant to be a lecture or a blast in the face from me about your inadequacies, but rather a helpful tool to realize that the rest of the world doesn’t have their shit together either. I don’t call you to lecture you, I don’t say these things thinking that I’m amazing and therefore I should mentor you in some way. I’m not on a pedestal or a high horse, and I’m not some incredible person who has everything figured out and is trying to impart wisdom on you. In fact what I’m trying to argue is just the opposite.

You mention that your jars of jam/jelly include singing, learning, and helping others. Looking at that response, I’m finding it difficult understanding your unhappiness. Maybe the stagnating is just something all in our heads. Let’s look at the facts.

You love helping people; especially your family and you get to stay near them right now. Working are caregivers lets you be a volunteer but still pay the bills, it lets you be on their level as someone who genuinely cares and isn’t out for a paycheck. Also you take part in other activities, like grief group, and volunteering. You stay close to your church family and are able to reach out in that way.

You want to sing – and that can be something difficult to make a career in, but yet you have enough work to keep you functioning and paying off debt, while still being able to take on gigs, play with different bands, go to coffee shops, sing weddings and funerals. In that sense you are living the life of a singer – it’s just you use something steady to pay the bills.

Learning and philosophizing is something that’s best done in your current situation. You work part time which gives you time to read and write and explore. You’re taking trips, sitting in coffee shops, talking with people of all different ages and walks of life. At work you get to see through the perspective of those at the ends of their journey, at church you see those who are in the middle, and you yourself are just starting.

So I’ve looked at this and for the life of me I can’t tell why you are unhappy or feel like you’re stuck. Unlike in highschool where I had a clear perspective of what was going on a home, all I have to go off of is what you show me. What you show me is someone being looked down on, who is trapped desperately trying to be free, a bird in a cage who is unable to realize her potential, who is so pushed down so hard that they can no longer sing. But maybe that’s not the truth.

If you feel like you are accomplishing things – (which you are regardless of comparisons of perspective) then why do I get nothing but venting and ranting and loneliness. It’s not that you aren’t allowed to feel those feelings – but I don’t understand why that’s the only thing you show me.

If you want to vent or rant to me that’s fine – but let me know that’s what it is. Because all that appears to me is someone I love in desperate need of help, and therefore I desperately try to save you. Taking a piece from CLAMP’s holic, “you don’t only belong to yourself”. Seeing you upset or hurt or unhappy is deeply troubling to me, and I’m frantically trying all I can to fix things.

If the truth is that nothing is wrong, and that all is (for the most part) well, then just let me know. Let me see the good parts too then, not just the bad. I’m happy receiving both, but I want to make sure I’m looking through the same lens you are.

  I do genuinely hope you enjoy your trip coming up this weekend. 

[passerpoints]

Reboot

Hey little bird, 

No need for feathers to be rustled. Things have been hectic lately- but the cold morning air has come to ground me again. Although it hasn't been too long I want to know how you've been. 

Things with me are just settling down - we've decided against buying a house and so are looking to get a townhouse for rent for another few years. Any which one we pick I'll be keeping an extra bedroom open for you - that comes standard.

Did you finish the book I sent you? If so what did you think? Did you get to the mention of jars of jelly? If not skim the pages and read just that.

Its weird to think that this scenario is common enough for it to be written by someone, edited by another, published by a few and read by so many. So many different individuals with a unique family, unique goals and dreams all feeling the same way. Its both comforting and unsettling to think about.

I went to Florida last week to visit Abuelo. He hasnt been well since the stroke and his dimensia is getting worse.  The first time we saw him during the week he was unable to speak words- only scattered mumblings in both spanish and english. But the second time we saw him he looked at Mark with eyes filled with love and reached up for him. He told rambling stories and took Abuela in his arms and told Mark and I that this was what true love looked like. She smiled hugging him and agreed. They've been together for so long - its hard to think that their time together might be at its end...

 as you know you are always welcome to our house for a stay or a visit. Just let me know.

Till next time - 

[passerpoints]

Adulthood

Passer,

Im so happy you enjoyed your time up in the mountains. It seems like a great get away place - and I know you love time spent relaxing so that seems pretty great. 

So now for another weirdness that I really want to rant about. 

Ive been having weird things with my parents lately, and so I was getting a bit worried about my dad acting as the person doing my marriage prep. He often blurts or brings it up in regular conversation and to be honest it makes me really uncomfortable - as if by knowing more about Mark and I he has something to hold over my head.

So I called his cell phone the other night (rather than the house phone) to talk to him about it. When he picked up I immediately said - hey this is about marriage prep do you have time to talk. 

I went on about how I love that hes both my dad and how I think hes a great deacon for prep - but that I need him to have more discretion between father and deacon mode - so that hes not bringing things up arbitrailiy. 

He starts grumping on about how I should just find someone else to do it - (which was not what I was asking) and then mid conversation gives the phone to my mother. Which i thought was totally inappropriate. 

With any other couple - when they call he walks upstairs to his office and talks to them in private. When my mom asks questions he says Its about marriage prep and she leaves him alone. 

I feel like I should get the same treatment. But apparently he does not. 

He went on to rant until I hung up - when I called my mom to apologize for grumping at her and she goes on about marriage prep - which just made me feel worse because she shouldnt know anything about it. 

In the end she wouldnt listen so I had to give the phone to Mark - who for some reason my parents listen to.

It just makes me so frustrated because this type of scenario happens over and over and over again. I tell my parents about something and they invalidate my feelings by saying that Im being overly judgemental or overly this or that or making a big deal of nothing. And when I try to talk calmly I get cut off or told im being angry when Im just trying to have civil conversation. 

It pisses me off because I solve complex issues at work with no problem - and Im decently respected here despite my age. Friends and coworkers tell me Im really level headed and that I give great advice  and that in general Im laid back but passionate about my work and family. 

So why then is it always such a fight with my parents?

Why do they only listen to Mark?

Why is it they bring up my siblings in EVERY CONVERSATION?

Why cant my problems only be about me and be something legit. 

I called my mom when I was at my lowest standing near the metro tracks. And she told me to get over it and get my work done. 

I told her what Sebastian had done to me and she said to get over it.

I graduated and while other familts celebrated I was in trouble because i had to go get my teeth done and clearly I had always messed everything up

I asked to get therapy and was scoffed at

I asked my brother for a place to get away during school and was yelled at. 

I wanted my internship and my parents fought with me against it. Then once I had it and was overwhelmed they told me it was my fault in the first place. 

Every illness or misfortune is my fault, but every battle I win on my own is apparently due to god and not to me. 

I feel like Amy at work has given more more caring and meaningful guidance. 

i dont know what to think about them. But if they arent willing to change - I kinda feel like I should continue to keep them out of my life. 

Ugh sorry for the huge rant.

-M

[passerpoints]

Hostility

Hey Passer,

I'm going through the cycles again - both figuratively and physically. 

I've found by tracking my moods and ideas that the 17th of each month tends to be one of my worst days. Physically its obvious that this is hormonal. I mean it lines up - it shouldn't be a mystery - and yet I still feel this overwhelming sense of anxiety and uncertainty. A lack of caring - and just a willingness to do nothing but sleep my life away.

But that's only half of my problem. 

I find that when I talk with my parents - or my siblings or family in general, ,there's this expectation that I'm going to be hostile

 Its like I cant get a word in edge wise - and when I do - I turn out to be hostile. Even if what I'm saying isnt anything negative.It's like this expectation just makes it so that I'm unable to communicate normally. Like no matter what I do I come off as a know-it-all or obnoxious and I hate it - because I genuinely believe I'm not like that. 

all in all its frustrating - 

here's to happier days

[passerpoints]

Living Blind

No - trust me I get that. I mostly wanted you to know that the option was truly open. That the thought of you staying with us wasnt some joke or halfhearted whim, but something that Mark and I seriously talked about. 

He wants the best for you so badly - He's actually really impressed with how far you've come. (Which by the way is seriously far - have you seen that healthy glow??)

I feel like part of me asking you is also me being selfish. I would love to have you as a roommate as I feel like you trying to be a better person would motivate me to be a better person too - (like going to the gym with you everyday - or trying out new hobbies)

I want so badly for you to spend every day feeling loved. I wish I lived closer so that you could keep both worlds - mine and your "new" family in NJ. 

If/When you decide on whatever - just know I have your back. You dont need to have everything figured out - in fact the day you do - I'll be there to punch you and tell you -you dont!

I love you lots, 

[passerpoints]

Home away from Home

Hey - long time no type. 

Sorry for my lack of existence on here - when I'm in the lab all day it's difficult to get a chance to blurt out random thoughts during a lunch break.

Any way - the more I think about it the more I urge you to consider taking some time to spend down here. Even if you only wanted to come down for a few months and test things out - there's no downside.

If it doesnt work out you can go back to New Jersey - no problems. You can probably start working at caregivers again - I would just keep them in the loop of what your plans are. 

The one big piece is taking the risk and jumping into life down here. I feel like you would love the lifestyle of coming home to purring cats, cups of tea and long baths in a slightly messy house. It wouldnt be all play - but we would still have fun. 

You can get a job you enjoy and meet new people. (even make a bit more money). My apartment has free clubs for you to join that I think you'd really like. 

We could motivate each other in person every day. And evenings can be spent the three of us crashed on the couch with coffee cups, while you work on your novel. 

This being said - I wouldnt want you to lose the happiness you get from hanging out with my parents or from enjoying church time. And I dont want to take that away from you. Mark and I would be a springboard to a new lifestyle down here - and while we can certainly help - we just arent stable enough yet to support you long term. 

But somehow I think the risk is worth it. 

Give it some thought

Love you always

ML

[passerpoints]

Living Life - Back from Break

Hey You,

It's so exciting to hear you are feeling awesome! Please please please keep up the good vibes!!!

I was dumb last weekend and dumb this weekend with not watching what I was eating - which so far had led to a big puffy belly. So I'm back to stricter eating. I'm pretty sure its from acid reflux - but I have this lump in my throat that's been driving me nuts. It feels kind of like a scab? But its just weird - so I'm trying to eat better and be better. 

The mini vacation was both really fun and really... weird? My bro and his girlfriend were weird. I'll explain over the phone later

So yeah all of that was weird

In other news work is getting better??? I think??? We'll see....

ALSO I WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT!!!!

also I miss you

XD....

#worstpostever

[passerpoints]

Lifestyle Day 2 - BOREDOM??!!

Now - I know its bad when you've already lost count at day 2

I get that the thought of this continuing is like oh god no why - because of boredom. 

But you need to think of what you'd normally be eating and realize that that's boredom too. 

Like everyday you wake up and skip breakfast or eat a yogurt. Then come home and eat whatever in the house, and dinner is some sort of whatever too, then you go to bed and repeat. 

Paleo lifestyle makes you think about the food your eating. Which in turn makes you think about the food youre not eating.

But let's be serious, which feels better. 

Randomly eating a cheezeburger from McDonalds on the way home from work, without giving it a second thought. 

OR knowing you've had eggs everyday for the past 15 days, and seeing the results slowly happen in the mirror - knowing every meal you choose is another step toward your goal. 

Now of course the cheezeburger seems awesome - but it's only awesome because you cant have it. And on the off days later down the road when you DO give into the cheezeburger- youre gonna want to make it worth it. Like a real burger dripping in cheddar with fresh lettuce tomato, with juice flowing everywhere. 

In fact you dont have to even cheat to eat a cheezeburger on paleo - just opt for the bun to be made out of lettuce and boom deliciousness is avaliable and way more satisfying than the greasy bag in the passenger seat of your car. 

So long story short

We both just gotta deal with it. 

The thing is - theres no magical pill, and getting healthy takes time and effort and its annoying. 

But its worth it. 

[passerpoints]

Okay Okay - Lifestyle DAY ONE

BOOM

It's now day 1! Why day 1 you ask? Wasnt yesterday day 1?

No - not for me at least. 

Wait you say to yourself why are you still counting - whole 30 is over!

Well... yes and no.

There's some benefits to counting. Eating crappy and feeling crappy is like an addiction. So we are going to break it. And 28 days (almost 30) makes a habit, so we are going to count. Besides doesn't it make you feel more motivated when you keep yourself from cheating because it's been 15 days? 

The answer should be yes. 

So about pants and feeling big and stuff. Look. Whatever size you are now is just your size. Its not a phase, and yeah shit fit you and now it doesnt. TRUST me I know the feel, because I bought all new shit last year and surprise it doesnt fit me either. Despite the summer weather, winter blues are hard to shake off. 

SO. Here's the plan I'm making us stick to!

1. Stay strict on Primal. This means plenty of coconut icecream and 70% dark chocolate. But no 80/20. This is strict no cheats for another 28 days.  2. Blog more - no matter how adorable those pics were yesterday - I need a video/text blog everyday cept weekends. It's the only-est way this will work. 

3. Take pictures of yourself in a bra and shorts. Just do it and trust me. 

4. You will need to post one thing you like about yourself in every blog post OR one positive statement about what you are working on/doing in life. 

....blargh.

Eating bad over the weekend gave me terrible acid reflux symptoms.. 

here's to not feeling gross all the time <3

I'm going to get through these next few weeks at work and I'm going to stay motivated.

-M

[passerpoints]

WHOLE 30 DONE- Lets get primal!

Or Paleo - or whatever you want to call it. 

Todays the day we start a lifestyle so this diet will change with you as things change in your life. 

Despite these freedoms we do have a few quick other things. 

1. We are doing this strict again for another month. Otherwise I feel like we will derail. Dont fret - SWYPO foods are now available :) so this should be less hard

2. Jut because things say gluten free doesnt mean they are good to go. Still try to avoid breads, pastas, cakes, etc that are "gluten free" because eating these is really no better than eating their counterparts. In this mindset we are still dieting - still sub your sandwich bread for lettuce and your ice cream for fresh fruit. 

Now onto the new ruleset!

or a quick “do-eat” & “don’t-eat” primer, see our quick-reference below.

EAT:

Meats

Fish/seafood

Fresh fruits

Fresh Vegetables

Eggs

Nuts

Seeds

Healthy oils (Olive, walnut, flaxseed, macadamia, avocado, coconut)

DON’T EAT:

Cereal grains

Legumes (including peanuts)

Dairy

Refined sugar

Potatoes

Processed foods

Salt

Refined vegetable oils

Candy / Junk / Processed Food

Sounds familiar doesnt it?

Its not too bad. This means that... its pretty much whole30 with the occasional treat. You can have some coconut icecream, and coconut milk with your coffee. You can have the egg banana pancakes, the dark chocolate.

So use them wisely. The rule of thumb is now, eat things that dont come in a box (fresh fruits/meat etc), and if it does come in a box check the ingredients. 

gluten is out. 

high fructose corn syrup is out.

dextrose is out.

Any sugars from honey or agave or splenda are - okay, just dont go too crazy. 

Focus on almond milk and coconut milk since you seemed to have an issue with dairy. My main issue seems to be with grains, and dairy doesnt bother me much, so I will probably partake in some low lactose cheeses (blue/cheedar).

http://ultimatepaleoguide.com/paleo-diet-food-list/

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/definitive-guide-primal-blueprint/#axzz32vFuFtGs

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/definitive-guide-to-the-primal-eating-plan/#axzz32vFuFtGs

type in paleo or primal in google to get you started

Again. 

We blog everyday

We do this hardcore

and we reap awesome results (again)

I'm so so so so so proud of you

<3 you

[passerpoints]

Whole 30 - Day 29

SO after a lot of complaining on my front, Mark decided to try to cook me meatloaf as our house is freezing and meatloaf is delicious!

MFW when I got home to find delicious meatloaf with compliant tomato sauce....

It was so delicious... TTWTT I feel like I havent had any real food in so long... oh god delicious meatloaf

So that was good...

and things at work while still really hectic are.. improving... kind of????

My plans for day31...

Okay seriously this is another terrible whole30 post, but it is what it is...

2 days left

lets do this

[passerpoints]

Whole 30 - Day 28

Passer,

Well you heard most of this rant last night but here I go. 

This diet was/is hard and is definitely not translatable into a lifestyle. For that I apologize, because it was never my intention to have you try/do something that would be annoying - and quite frankly this diet is annoying. 

That being said - doing Paleo is not as annoying. It can still be frustrating - but so many options are opened up for eating new and different foods - where as I found myself really struggling with whole30. 

I feel like whole30 is suited for people involved and invested in food. Who have time to cook and experiment. Most people (unless they are stay at home moms - and even then) probably dont have this kind of time. 

I'm not saying that its impossible - plenty of people do it. But when they do it food becomes a piece of them. An activity, an effort, - like exercising. 

I feel like the point of Whole30 was to teach people that food did not run their lives - and now at day 28, I feel like it has done nothing BUT run my life. 

and the crappiest part is - it's not that I dont love real food. I love leeks and veggies and real stuff - it's just the current way this is working I feel like they dont love me back

blargh I'll update with something better than this later

love you, 2 days to go

-M