passingdaysthings

[passingdaysthings]

05.16.2025 - That Last Post Was Wild

Today is Friday.

I looked at my last post, and I was pretty heated about that. I don't really care though because I already talked to that 17 year old to make sure she felt safe about the situation. She is also friends with our cousin who is 19 years old. Way more age appropriate, and he makes sure to watch out for her.

Moving on to me, I have been feeling extremely content and happy with my life, and it kind of worrisome. I wouldn't say in a bad way worrisome though. I am more worried that this contentness will cause a state of stagnation because I am comfortable. I feel this way because I am working on a project with an old classmate, and I simply don't want to put in the effort. My classmate is a super hardworking older women who I adore, but I feel bad because I sometimes feel like I am holding her back. Of course, she works on our project on her own, but I never really have any crazy input. Just little things here and there. The biggest thing that I have come to realize in myself is that I am not the ambitious person I was when I was younger. I have no grandiose goals or plans. I just want a simple job that pays me enough to live a fun life with little stress. To simple to it, I want to work to live not live to work. I don't wanna be in-charge of anything. I don't want to take my work home with me. I don't want to sacrifice anything major for a job/career. I just want to continue enjoying myself and being happy. I have thought more about a new job as time goes by though because the project I am currently working for will be ending relatively soon. I also don't think I will go that deeply into the data science world. Who knows. There are more options out there than I thought (as always). Sigh. The world is much large than I can imagine once again.

Now for the on-going problem I love to ignore and pretend doesn't exist. We went for a bit without talking about sleeping with each other or doing anything. It was like a whole 6 months, and I really thought we were done. He ended up initiating something 2 months ago, and I ended up going along with it. OH WELL. IG. It's been 2 months now. I am kind of meh about the whole thing. It's old news, and a game that I am tired of playing. I just don't think too much about our whole friendship now a days. I did get 2 new swimsuits that I wanted to show him, but I have refrained from that. I am not feeling messy. I might mention something while I am packing, but we will see how I am feeling when the time comes. I am really just enjoying the benefits of this kind of friendship. It does make me sad thinking about it ending though because I still have my morals.

That's really all. Good night.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

03.05.2025 - Right and Wrong?

Today is Wednesday.

Wow.. we are three months into 2025, and this is my first post. I feel like I have been relatively busy, but also not busy. I think I have been feeling busy because I worked volleyball as soon as the new year started, and I am finishing up this week. The year has been pretty good so far, and I feel like I have lost some weight too. My goal this year was to actually lose some pounds on the scale. I was thinking about 15 by the end of year. Nothing too crazy. I also need to up my protein intake. But, I have more pressing matters to write about.

Let me set this up. My volleyball friend M(34) introduced me and our volleyball friends to a F (17), and I am kind of worried. This all started with me noticing that he was being a little too nice to this 17 year old girl, but I kept it to myself. I didn't wanna make any assumptions or bring it up to anyone. The first person I brought it up to was my little sister because I just tell her everything, and she also knows about a past incident. The past incident was that our male friend who was 32 at the time liked another one of our mutual volleyball friend who was 22. Our mutual friend is an adult, and she can very much make her own decisions, so we did not say much about the very large age gap. He was over friendly and touchy with her, but she didn't seem to mind it, so we also just ignored it. It is different this time around because this other girl in question is 17. Now let me get some facts straight,

He has never made a move on this 17 year old girl (from what I know)

I have asked her about it, and she said she has never felt uncomfortable with how he treats her

My thoughts are based purely on what I have observed

So why am I writing about it? Because many other people have noticed without my intervention. How do I know? As mentioned, the guy in question is a good friend of my sister and I, so multiple people have come up to ask me about it. My cousin who also plays with us has noticed as well. The crazy thing is I don't even spend that much time with those two, and he has brought her around other people. The main reason people have noticed is because he has taken her to multiple tournaments. This past weekend I actually had her sub for my team for a women's grass tournament, and it seemed to really escalate things. Mostly because it was a men's and women's tournament, so a majority of us (who know each other and played) were there. Here is a major thing my teammates, cousin, and I brought up to really assess this situation, we said that our male friend will actually watch a majority of my team's games because we had this 17 year old girl subbing for us. We all said this because our male friend never cares to watch us play or cheer for us (he said he knows we will win/do well, so he doesn't need to be there), but he will be at every game we play for this tournament. He did in-fact what basically every game, and he even abandoned his own team to watch. There were multiple things that happened through out the day too. I ended up having a discussion with my teammates, and then I talked to the 17 year old girl about it (we are friends, so I didn't feel weird). I asked her how she felt around him and explained why I was a little worried. I also made it known that we were on her side if anything were to happen, and I didn't want her to feel as if she couldn't speak up because we were his friends first. She thanked me, and reassured me that she has not felt weird or uncomfortable, which is a relief. I didn't feel like I did anything wrong until I heard from my cousin that my sister thinks I am spreading rumors about our male friend. I felt pretty strongly about this because my sister doesn't com around often, and she usually sticks to playing tournaments only, so she doesn't know the full story. She herself has even said that she is not around often, and even when she is, she is more focused on playing and not very observant of her surroundings. She is very blindly defending out male friend and making me the villain when she doesn't even know what is going on. From my perspective, I am trying to make sure that this young girl feels safe and can trust the people in the volleyball community, and I don't what an incident where it's "too late" to do something. There are so many time where people feel bad for being too late or not acting fast enough. When am I suppose to say something? Do I wait until he makes a move? That is already too late in my book. There are boundaries that you need to keep, and I think that he is crossing them for someone who is 34 interacting with a 17 year old. He says they have a coach and student relationship, but if that is true, then people looking in from the outside shouldn't think you guys are dating or that you have a thing for this girl. I have coach people who are younger, and no one had ever mistaken us for more than teacher/student or friends.

This is what's been plaguing my mind lately, and I really hope that I don't have to do anything more than say what I already have.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

12.20.2024 - Some Reflecting

Today is Friday.

I feel like I rarely write on Fridays, but I am procrastinating right now. I was cleaning my room, but I showered and had some taco bell. As the title says, I do plan on reflecting in this post and reviewing some big things that happened during this year.

Let's just tackle the biggest thing in my life because it's the most toxic thing I have ever chosen to do. My friendship with Taylor. I have been able to distance myself more, and I say that because I don't feel the anxious attachment that I felt before LOL. That kind of sounds like a shit thing to say because it makes things sound a bit disingenuous, but I really care about our friendship (like I've said multiple times). Our relationship is a huge part of my life and mental health, but I think that I have been able to draw a more clear like than before with my own emotions and attachment. I am only speaking for myself though because Taylor is still him. We did have a moment a few days ago with that suspicious cross the line part of our relationship, but I have decided to never be the one who initiates. I am trying my best to do what I can to handle our friendship. Let me just mention this too. Yes, based on the date, we did send each other Christmas, and we did plan to spend Christmas together? Not really planned, but we talked about opening gifts together on Christmas. Other than those things, our relationship still hasn't changed much on the surface, and the changes for mostly me and my personal issues.

Now to something a little more important. I finished my master's degree! Woooo! I say woo, but I don't really feel accomplished. First, I used chat gpt quite a bit to keep up with going to school full time and working full time. I was able to understand a lot of concepts because of my research background, but the actual coding was not for me. Learning how to code was just way too difficult of a task for me in such a short time. I feel no sense of accomplishment because of that, and I was basically blacked out looking back at myself. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I learned stuff for a whole new career and working at the same time. I just don't think I did that I "learned". I just survived. Second, I looked at some job descriptions, and I feel like I am very lacking for many of the data science positions. I think the most common this is being proficient in SQL, but I only took one class on it. Tableu? Table? I don't know how to spell that, and I did not take a class on it. How is that on every job description, but I didn't even take a class. Wild. I try to ignore this fact because I have been told many times that the more you learn the more you feel like you don't know. Oh boy, oh boy. I agree. Every single class I took made me feel so inadequate. Third.. I don't know what I wanna do because this next job might be my job for the next 10+ years or I learn that I hate this new career path I took. I just feel very unprepared. NO WORRIES THOUGH. I have a decent plan. I am gonna tackle the biggest perpetrator to my anxiety, and that is, the learning experience. I am planning to teach myself stuff that I didn't feel comfortable with, and I will be able to really sit down and think about it since I am going to have 2 full weeks off of work. I also said don't feel comfortable with, but I plan on doing everything because I have questions for all of the things I learned. I want to believe that I will start my leaning journey on Monday. I wanna chill and clean my room this weekend since I will actually be home instead of running around.

Time to reflect on my work out and diet journey. Hm... around this time last year, I found out I had Hashimoto's disease, and it's just been undiagnosed for 27 years. Crazy. Hashimoto's disease is an autoimmune disorder in which the immune system attacks the thyroid gland, often leading to hypothyroidism (an underactive thyroid). This can result in symptoms like fatigue, weight gain, and difficulty processing food efficiently, including carbs, due to a slower metabolism. Thanks Chat GPT. This diagnoses made so much sense to me (Thanks Dr. Newbold and not the other lady before her) because I feel like I have always had issues with my weight even though I have been an athlete for most of my life. I will say that I did not eat a proper diet until relatively recently. I started 2024 with a simple task of limiting my carb intake and working out more consistently. I would say that I have been doing pretty well this year, and I lost it a bit towards the end here. It couldn't be helped though because I have been traveling a lot. My Hashimoto's is dormant from what I was told though. That's a good thing hehehe. I am going to up my diet and plans a little more this coming year since I have been doing well.

I want to limit my carbs more because I spent this year being very conscious of my carb intake, but this new year, I want to add a restriction. I am planning to add carbs for only one meal. I think this will also help with the intense bloating I feel.

Upping my fiber intake. This is big for me because I have hemorrhoids from stressing and school work, but I am done with school, so I need to really work on my stomach health. This is simple. I need to legitimately start eating more greens.

Caloric restrictions. I didn't really watch my calorie intake this year because I worked on eating 3 meals a day a day while intermittent fasting, and it went well. I think it really helped me, but I want to lose fat this year. Like, I want to dedicate 2025 to that since 2024 was for building habits and fixing bad ones. I will stick to the 12 hour fast and full 3 meals, but I'll add the calorie restrictions (1800 calories) and add a carb limit.

This one is small, but I always think about it. I need to really slow down when I am eating because I usually feel extremely full 30 mins later. It would also help my digestion.

Okay, I am going to discuss the future a little bit. I have decided to renew my contract at USF, and I am going to push back my moving plans too. I decided this was best because I've been working, but I have been spending too. I have not saved properly to move out and live comfortably. I did A LOT of traveling and spending after I graduated. I am planning to travel way way less and spend way way less in 2025 because my savings is not pretty. I also haven't looked for a new job, so I will be doing that in 2025 too.

Overall, I feel like I have had a very GO GO GO kind of year, and I want to spend 2025 on myself. I tried doing that in 2024, but I was just doing shit all the time LOL. I did so some of that with my diet and exercising, but I was pretty bogged down by school. Let's finish 2024 strong and have a good 2025!

-P

[passingdaysthings]

12.01.2024 - The Ick

Today is Sunday.

I can honestly say that I am pretty content with my life at the moment, and I genuinely feel pretty happy. Finishing my masters degree has greatly contributed to the feeling of peacefulness I feel right now since it was causing me a lot of stress. There are still things I want to look more into on my own, but I have been taking a break since I finished my degree. I spent my whole my life learning, and it's not to just take a breather. I have been kind of hanging out since late August, and I was able to so a lot of fun traveling with my best friends. It was so fun! I feel like I was able to live freely and do what I want for the first time in my life. Having a great job really helped with that too. I really like my job, and it's a lot of fun. I legitimately worry for myself when I leave because there's no way I'll find an environment like the one I work in right now. I also get paid a lot for what I do, and I get paid much more than the average of someone with my title. That's the perk of working on one of the biggest grants ever award for research though. This doesn't mean I am not looking for a new job though because I am. I understand that the job I have right now is just a stepping stone job, not a career. It is going to provide me job security until 2027 though, so that's nice to know. My PI is also a very understanding, and I love her for that. She understand that this is a stepping stone job not a career, and she isn't trying to fire me early or anything like that. Life is great right now, and I feel like all the turmoil I felt in the past was worth it.

Time to discuss my ick. My coworker made me think about this because she was talking about how she started to just think about all the things that the guy she use to like did that gave her the ick and it made her stop liking him. I didn't do that with Taylor, but I have definitely started to note things. Last night he said something that is probably the biggest ick he has ever given me. He was telling me about how one of his ex girlfriends had asked about a girl he was friends with because she felt some type of way about that girl (WHICH SHE HAD THE RIGHT TO), and it turns out that the girl was a "friend" that he use to sleep and mess around with. He proceeded to ask her why she was mad because the girl "friend" was not who he was with nor is he going to sleep with her again even though they keep in contact. He also told her that the girl "friend" was in his life way before his girlfriend came along, and he isn't going to choose her (his gf) over his friend. IM SORRY? Your gf brought up a valid point, and you're just gonna belittle her??? This all makes sense though because in his head, he thinks we are going to be the way we are now even if we get bf/gf's. THAT IS NOT HAPPENING. I am not going to talk and spend time with him everyday if I get a bf. I am going to spend time and talk everyday to my boyfriend. I can't image being in a relationship with someone like Taylor, and I feel sorry for SOME of his past gfs. Not all of them because they were all trash, but now that know Taylor more, he probably pushed some of them to do what they did. I am not saying they did the right thing/made the right choice, but I am saying I understand. Taylor literally has no respect for his gf from what I have heard. He has even said he would drop his gf if she didn't like me. That's nice, but I am not letting that happen. As someone with multiple guy friends, I would NEVER want to be ANY cause of concern for their s/o because I am also a girl, and I wouldn't want to feel like I am in a position where I need to be wary of my bf's girl best friend even if there isn't anything going on or ever was. For me, I have never had anything going on with my guy friends, and we have never done anything remotely close to being a couple. Now, with Taylor, that is a totally different story because we literally sext, have had phone sex, and we send each other pictures. It doesn't happen much now, but it has happened in. We have history now. I am not going to be around when he gets a gf. I am going to make my way out, and I won't even tell him. If he genuinely thinks that is an okay thing to do then that is on him, but I do not think it's okay, so I will be making my exit. I will make my exit when I get a bf too. Whoever get s s/o first.

I need to do some groceries now, so that's gonna be it for this little rant.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

10.25.2024 - I Think It's Happening

Today is Friday.

I think it's happening. It's been about 2 years since I told Taylor I liked him, and I think the back and forth with myself is done. I say I think because this could be a passing thing, but I don't think it is. There are two issues here with me getting completely over my feelings and being unsure if it will last. Last night, I initiated something for the first time in some time, but all Taylor started talking about was how expensive my bra was and how he bought VS bras for girls in the past. I do not think I have ever felt more embraced about something in my life LOL. I am writing this down, so that I can remember this embarrassing moment for the rest of my life. This hypersexual man literally started talking about how expensive bras were. I was flabbergasted and embarrassed, and I had no idea what to say or do. I am kind of laughing at myself right now because I brought this on myself. We initiated last time about a month ago, but we could have just continued doing nothing. I chose to try something, and this was the result. Something like this has happened before, and he said that it was because he is like this sometimes. He just doesn't know what to say or how to react, which is fair. I did do it randomly with nothing to lead into it, but it was still embarrassing. Now, I'm wondering if I feel detached only because I'm embarrassed about what happened or if I actually feel deattached. The reason I feel like it's really different this time is because I'm tired of it all, and I'm starting to feel the way I did with my ex before just dumping him. It is starting to feel like a chore. I woke up this morning with that realization, and I felt so bad, but I'm just tired. He never chooses what we should do, and I'm tired of trying to figure out what we should do. He also makes careless comments, but I don't hold that against him because he literally does it in every environment we're in. It's not with just me. I'm starting to just lose interest in sharing things with him, too. I used to be excited to share things with him, but recently, I forgot to even tell him. The more and more type this... the sadder i get. It's really hitting me that our friendship is something that will end poorly. There's really no world where I would keep this kind of friendship around because I know it's toxic, and the fact that I am feeling sad about it is really solidifying the fact that I'm starting to get detached.

With all of these emotions, I will.probably end up confronting Taylor sooner or later about everything that's happened in our friendship and possibly ending it all. This year's Christmas present might be a goodbye present too. I'm glad what happened last night happened, even if it's sad because it might be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

10.16.2024 - Finding Another Job

Today is Wednesday.

It's been about a month since I graduated with my M.S, and I have been thinking about a new job more. It's so weird though. I feel accomplished finishing a degree that I was in a field completely new to me, but then.. I feel like I don't know anything. I have a while master's degree, but I also feel like I don't have it. I just learned so much and so little at the same time, and I am not sure how I handle that. I have looked at a job postings, but I can't help feeling unqualified because I am do new to the field. They're also asking me to use like 20 different programs or languages which is kind of crazy. I try to be very logical and tell myself that these job postings are asking for more than what I actually need for the job. I can't imagine listing an entry level job, but asking for multiple languages and program knowledge. I try to tell myself that I will need to be trained again anyways because I would be new either way. It's so funny to think about how cautious and scared I am compared to how I use to be, but it's not surprising since I am not 18 anymore. I have to think much harder about my decision since this is literally going to be my career. I like my job now because it's super convenient, but it's not a career. It's something that is contracted, and it will end. It also has nothing to do with the new career I wanna work on. I just wanna do other research things and more on the data side. Things in my life have kind of worked out for me when I take my time, so I think I should continue to move forward with caution and stop doubting myself.

My plans for the rest of 2024:

Oct: Start looking for a new job slowly or as I see, go see Latto, go to Virginia for volleyball, and go to Texas for Halloween and SVT

Nov: Continue job search, pick up on relearning my data science stuff and make a study plan, go to Jax for Thanksgiving (maybe)

Dec: JOBBBB SEARCHHH, continue learning, and maybe Disney?

I think it's so funny that it's already the end of 2024. I feel like this year just zoomed by me. That's probably because I actually did a lot of things this year between traveling and finishing my masters. I'm pretty sure I blacked out during all my quarters. I was just blacked out and did it. ACTUALLY, that is most like why I feel like I learned so much, but so little at the same time. I was just in and out of consciousness LOL.

On to old business,

I get so annoyed with myself with how much I go back and forth about Taylor and our relationship. I agree with the my from August because I still wanna date someone, and I have still been thinking about downloading a dating app and asking Taylor to help me set it up. BUT. I actually don't want to. I don't want Taylor to be involved in my new relationship at all because that's toxic. I am not gonna stoop that low no matter how much I think about it LOL. I have some pettiness in me, but I don't think I should be that way. I am also consciously and slowly trying to detach myself. I don't message him if he doesn't answer me, I don't usually call first unless I have a reason, I don't think about how much time has passed between our messages, and I don't really ask do to stuff unless I am free. It may not sound like a lot, but for me, it is because we talk all the time and spend time together everyday. I am trying to get use to the long periods of no talking. I think the biggest hard stop is sexting, but it's only been a month which isn't crazy because we'll stop for some time and do it again. I am just making sure I am not the one initiating. I am hope being unbothered by Taylor continues because it's been going well, and I just end up treating him like other guys in my life.

Overall, I feel content right now, and I am trying to be proud of myself even if no one else it. I am the one living my life, and the things I feel are things I will have to deal with. You got this, girly!

-P

[passingdaysthings]

08.10.2024 - Post MS plans?

Today is Saturday.

I am just taking a short break from my homework because I got some very interesting graphs... which means, I must have done something wrong, and I am not sure what. This degree has been so weird because the more I learn, the more I feel like I don't know. As soon as I feel some kind of confidence in a mode, a new thing is added, and suddenly, I become confuse again with something I didn't know I needed to know. I actually finish my degree on 08.24.2024 because that's when my last assignment is officially due. I need to work on my final project more... I have been slacking and focusing more on my assignments. I hate that I have do many assignments on top of a final with a paper.

Something that has been very heavy on my mind is what I am going to do after my degree with my life. Everything. What kind of job am I going to look for? Do I move? Do I wanna stay relatively close? Personally, I think I need to move away and grow up some. I think the biggest growth I need is my romantic relationship. I have always been focused on school and career stuff for a long time, and I have only been in one relationship. It was a long one, but my only one. I, now, have this relationship with Taylor, and I know that it's not healthy. I have been thinking way more deeply about my relationship with him more than usual because I have been telling myself that I would try dating again after my degree, but my relationship with Taylor is very deep. I am not comfortable with putting myself out there with the kind of relationship I have with Taylor in the background. It feels slimy. I am also debating if I should do what Taylor did to be petty. A little while ago, Taylor asked me to help him fill out a hinge profile, and I helped. He ended up deleting it (from what he said) a little after because he saw someone he knew while he was scrolling. I want to do what he did, and be like, do you wanna help me make a hinge profile? He did it to me, so why not? I also feel like I need to somehow tell him I want to date again, and doing this is kind of my way to say that. The other option is that I just have a sit down talk with him about us and our relationship because I won't talk to him as much or even spend time with one on one when I start dating. I would not feel comfortable doing that to my future spouse/bf.

Ugh... the more I think about it the more tired I become of it. I just feel so bad dropping him, but it's something I would have to do. He is talking to me right now because he just woke up, and it's even harder to think about.

Let's call it a day now.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

08.07.2024 - I Feel Like a Clown

Today is Wednesday.

I just got back from my trip to DC, and I am sitting at the boba shop trying to do my homework which I am clearly not doing. It's so funny because I am typing about Taylor again, and literally, all my post have been about him. I am so annoyed, and once again, it's because he hasn't said a single thing to me today. My very first post on this account was about my future and feeling empty, but now, 90% of my post are about Taylor. A dude that doesn't like me. Can I be any more of a clown? The self awareness is there, and I still choose to act like a clown. I understand that feelings are feelings, and it's so annoying that I am thinking about this constantly. Taylor is just my friend, so why di I get bothered when he doesn't message me. You know what's worst? I thought about this after my nap earlier. This is what it was like with my ex. My ex would talk to me all the time, I was comprehensive, but then I opened up and talked to him as much as he wanted. I ended up becoming the person who put more effort in our relationship than he did, and we broke up. This is not a relationship, and we are just friends. BUT, this is similar to how things were. Taylor became super attached to me, talked to me all day, I opened up and became attached, and now, I am sitting here, left on read for the past 6 hours. Today is Wednesday, so he isn't working a full day. He could be doing something for his grandpa or grandma because they call him randomly all the time, but he could have said something. I hope that I can remember this little epiphany I had, and I begin to withdraw myself from Taylor just like I did with Peter. It kind of sucks that I need things to happen for me to let go rather than letting go. I also know that a lot of things I think about are made up on my head based on assumptions I have made. All I know right now is that Taylor has left me on read for 6 hours and has not said a single word to me. It could be anything. He hasn't said anything in the groupchats either. He could be talking to another girl (WHICH IS FINE), helping his gramps, or not feelings the talking today. I need to get over it. Cool. Next time, I should be more careful who I decide to open up and talk to. I also need to not become this way with any dude that HAS NOT SAID HE LIKES ME. NO MATTER HOW HE ACTS.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

08.02.2024 - Get it Together LOL

Today is Friday.

Update from last post: Taylor was infact mad at me about what I said to him during his birthday while I was upset, and he told me that he cried about it all day. Do I feel bad? Yes, I did, but that doesn't forgive what he did. He also said I didn't get to be mad because it was his day. Bro, it doesn't matter what day it is, upsetting someone is still upsetting someone. We ended up spending last Sunday together to make up for it.

The new thing that's been bothering me a bit is that he is talking to another female friend. I wouldn't think about this too much, but he seems to be keeping consistent communication with this girl. I think he is also playing a game of messenger with her. He told me about her himself, and I am only assuming that they are talking consistently because he tells me about stuff here and there. I assume this "female" friend he is bringing up it the same one every time. He also hasn't been talking to me as much, so I assume he is talking to this other girl. THIS IS ALL MY ASSUMPTIONS THOUGH. Now, what is bothering me? I don't particularly care about him talk to another female friend, but I do care if he is talking to this other female friend the way he treats me. He is still spending time with me like normal, and it's really just the messaging. I am also not particularly upset about the messaging because I am busy with school during the day. I am skeptical about HOW is talking to his female friend because I would like to know if he talks to this friend the same way he talks to me. We were sexting 4 days ago because he said the best gift from me was something more explicit which okay. We do have that kind of relationship from time to time now, but if he is doing that with another girl, than I would prefer it to stop with us. I am not interested in being someone on his "roster", per say. I would also like to distance myself more if he has found someone else to focus his attention on because our relationship is toxic for me. I don't know how he sees it. We may be similar, but we definitely have different perspectives on our relationship. He also brought up another girl he use to hangout with, and he seem offended when I said I didn't think he was as pretty as he said. For me... I am not super into the huge lips and heavy lashes look which this girl had. I don't mind it because that's all based on preference, and I am not into the big lips and heavy lashes. I didn't even really disagree with him when he said he was super pretty. I just said she was alright and not really my type. I don't understand when he gets defensive randomly over the randomest things. HE WAS LITERALLY TELLING ME ABOUT HER BECAUSE OF HER BAD BBL. Like... girl??? You were judging first, and then YOU asked if I thought he was pretty. I said not really. I will never get it.

I am also kind of tired of myself letting these things get to me. I don't really have any interest in furthering my relationship with Taylor because I wouldn't be able to handle his baggage. I can barely handle it now as a "best friend". I don't mind it, but there are time where I really can't handle his sudden outburst and his inconsiderate attitude. The only reason I don't say a clear no to possibly dating is because we have never seen each other in real life, but from what I know and what I have gone through, I would not date him. This actually doesn't really matter because HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. I am not his type, and I am not pretty enough to date him. Remember that, Paula? He is only interested in dating girls he consider 10/10, and I am only a 6/10, 7/10 with personality. You are not responsible for any of his feelings. He can say or do whatever you want, and when it's time, you will leave this relationship.

I hope that I can start letting go as I read more about my past post on this topic.

I am updating this like an hour later because Taylor not messaging me is eating away at my (annoyingly). He should still be at work right now, so I see why he isn't messaging me. I should also be focusing on my school work. Get it together, dude. You don't have time for this. You should not be thinking about who is could possibly be talking to because you don't know, and it's none of your business.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

7.11.2024 - Happy Birthday, Taylor

Today is Thursday.

I took the day off work today, so that I could spend time with Taylor for his birthday because he wanted to, and I was down. I had extra hours, so it worked for us. We ended up getting into a little fight though, and this really reminds me why I typically keep my thoughts and comments to myself when I am upset. We were playing league, and I made a joke about him catching the Ziggs ults which he responded with "When will you ever learn to stfu?" something blah, I kind of spaced out after the first sentence because I was just shocked. He didn't even laugh or anything, so it really caught me off guard and hurt my feelings. In response to what he said, I told him I am not playing anymore, and I do not gonna sit and be treated rudely regardless of it being his bday or not and hung up. He called me immediately after on my phone, and was confused about my reaction and asked me why. He then realized I was being serious and apologized saying that it was a joke, but I told him I didn't take it that way and it hurt me. He kept insisting that it was just a joke, so I told him that I am not going to deal with his jokes, and he should take them and spend his bday alone. That's where I really messed up. I should not have said what I said regardless of how upset I was because it's immature. I didn't say it to hurt him, but I am sure it did because he is well aware of how lonely of a person he is. I am also well aware that he considers himself a lonely person. Part of me feels like I shouldn't feel bad because he said something hurtful, but the other part of me knows that what I said was out of line regardless of how I feel. Now... we are not spending his birthday together, and he said he would probably just sleep for the rest of the day instead of spending time together. I feel really bad that it resulted to this because I did call him back to apologize and say I am still happy to spend time together.

I hope that he will be able to get pass this, and we can still spend some time together for his bday like we planned.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

05.13.24 - Anxiousness

Today is Monday.

I am currently sitting in my Data Science tools class right now, and I am suddenly feeling anxious. This feeling is definitely stemming from Taylor. He didn't really message me much today, but he was awake the whole time. I am not sure why I am feeling that way though because it's not like this hasn't happened before. There are many days where he doesn't talk to me much until later in the day, but today, it's causing me to feeling anxious. I wonder if it's a mix of multiple things though because I am having trouble with my assignments in Data Science tools, I have big projects for both classes, I leave tomorrow morning for a week long trip, and things are changing at work. It's kind of annoying that I am hyper aware of my feelings. I could be like Taylor and literally ignore everything and anything that makes me uncomfortable, but I guess, I should say that because Taylor is an anxious ball of nerves all the time. It's so weird constantly fighting myself on my relationship with Taylor. I clearly know that we have a toxic relationship that won't last, but I just continue in the situation. I am very aware that I can walk away, and I am very aware that I will be after some times. I just can't though. Our emotional attachment is pretty strong for two people who have never met each other. This experience has really changed my outlook on some things and relationships.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

05.05.2024 - Overwhelmed

Today is Sunday.

I am currently trying to work on 2 overdue assignments I have for class, but I am a bit overwhelmed by them. I am working on a new concept called web scraping which I have never done before, and it has been confusing me for a few days. I am not sure what I have to do or if I am doing it correctly because I am not getting what the instructions are telling me. It's been a like 2 days of trying it, and it's just the first part of the assignment. It's not even the whole assignment, so it is really bother me. I also tried to move on to the next assignment, but that one was giving me trouble too. I am so so glad that I am almost done with this program because the professors are shit. Like... I am doing this web scraping assignment, but they didn't teach us how to webscrape. Unless I just blacked out during lecture which I do, but watching the recording didn't help me. I hope the offline lecture helps me. I just feel like I am not actually learning anything because the lecture is usually pretty different from the hw assignments. Th lecture will touch on parts I need, but it's never enough to actually start the assignment and finish it. I usually have to google everything. It's really annoying. I also do not enjoy the office hours.

Outside of school, I am kind of hanging out, and it's been rather normal. I did overhear my mom talking poorly about me, and it was upsetting. Once again, she just demonstrated her favoritism towards Tracy, and it's crazy how delusional she is. I think the biggest thing she was complaining about was how she has to pay for my schooling and how I always ask for money, but Tracy never ask for money. She gave Tracy 70k to buy a house... I ask for her to pay for my school. My schooling has probably cost her around 18k which is much less than 70k. The 70k she wired to my little sister to help her buy a house. I am not comparing myself to my sister, but for her to say that my sister doesn't ask for money is crazy. Just last month, my little sister charged $600 on my credit card, and then, she asked me to tell our mom to pay for it. Where does my mom think my little sister never ask for money comes from? At least I asked for money to do more schooling... not to buy a house after quitting my job. It makes me sad that I even have to think that way because I know my little sister hated her job, but my mom could wake up a bit and think about what she say a little more. I also never try to compare my sister and I because we are two very different people, but my mom makes it really hard. She legitimately goes around telling our family about how I am useless and do nothing, but my little sister makes a lot of money. My little sister quit her job in January and has been jobless since.. Idk what she is talking about. Of course, I went through like 3 years of no job and no income, so I don't have much to way on this matter, but the fact that my mom is complaining really irks me. This is why I plan on moving away from this shitty family and be on my own. I just feel sorry for my dad because he genuinely supports me unconditionally, so I will miss him. I will most likely stop talking to my mom when I leave too because she thinks I owe her. She evens tells people she "loans" me money while she doesn't mention the money she gives my little sister. If she wants to act like a loan shark then I will treat her like one too and avoid her and my "loans" LOL. I can't wait to find a new job and move. I think that's when I will just cut off and type of financial support my mom gives me. I'll just pay for my own stuff. I guess she can just keep paying the phone bill because we're on a family plan. I just need to endure a little bit more. I can do this! I got this! I just have a little bit more to go. Just 3 more months.

Now we have Taylor. To be honest, I just feel less and less about him, and he seems to irritate me more. I don't get why he acts like he hates spending time with me or I annoy him, but he constantly talks to me? I typically stop talking to people I am annoyed with. These days, I don't feel much when I don't talk to him, and I don't particularly feel the need to talk to him. I also don't have much to say to him. I also don't have the patience to deal with his attitude anymore. I immediately clock out and try to leave when he gives me attitude. I don't particularly hate him or anything. I still value him as a friend too, but I just find myself wanting him to find a girlfriend to do all these things with. Sometimes I feel like I fulfilling a duty? Ig I feel that way given the nature of our relationship. I am not his gf, but I do a lot of gf type things which I don't push away, so I don't blame him. I am just as guilty when it comes to things because I just go along with things. We also made birthday plans to watch scary movies on his birthday. I absolutely hate scary movies, but I don't mind watching them with him. As it has been, I just continue going with the flow when it comes to our "friendship", and I am just waiting for the day it blows up in my face or his.

Oh well. You got this, Paula. Remember 2024 is the year that we are going to be disgustingly educated and work on ourselves. Let's get this MS!

-P

[passingdaysthings]

04.14.2024 - New Quarter

Today is Sunday.

I am writing this as I take a short break from catching up on lecture. I am about to enter the 3rd week of this quarter, and I needed to catch up on lecture. I didn't listen to the first 2 weeks for both classes. Well, the first week of lecture for Data Science tools was actually just a refresher on data science in general. I am feeling kind of numb, ig. It's the same old thing I have been doing since Sept 2022, and I am chugging along. For me, that is a good thing because it had made thing easier to handle, and I rarely have breakdowns about my assignments or grades. I am currently taking Data Science tools I and Deep Learning which seem to be classes that will require me to use what I have learned in my previous classes, so it should be simple in terms of not having to learn new material. I will just need to refresh and delve more in-depth on the all the materials I have already learned. Thank god that this semester's workload is similar to the last. I have more assignments and things to do for Data Science Tool than Deep Learning. The only things I need to do for Deep Learning are my midterm project and my final group project. I have female partners for both, so that a nice small bonus. Ofc, I had no issues with my last partners who were male, but they were a little harder to get along with in terms of friendship.

Goals for this quarter:

Get B's on both classes (I got a C+ and B last quarter)

Do well on my projects and assignments. I want to put in some more effort this quarter.

That's really it LOL. I just want to do well, and put in more effort than I did compared to last quarter. Especially because I have projects for both classes.

I am currently okay. I am getting a raise at work, but I am also looking for a new job since I will be finishing up my M.S degree soon. There are a few jobs here that I am kind of interested in, but I haven't looked into them that deeply. I need to actually sit and make my Github to do all my applying. I also want to clean up my pass assignments and projects to upload into Github.

No real Taylor updates, tbh. I said we will see what happens in March/April last post, but nothing new.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

02.13.24 - Holding it Together

Today is Tuesday.

I have been going to school full time as well as working full time for sometime now. To be more exact, I have been doing it for about 6 weeks because I am currently in my 6th week of this quarter. I was holding it together pretty well, but I think I really need to get my priorities right. I need to be spending more time on my Machine Learning homework than my Algorithms one. My ML assignments are much longer and more involved than my Alg ones, and there are only 5 assignments for ML, so that means I don't have a buffer or anything. There is also no final for the class. I got a B on my first assignment and an A on my second one. I am hoping to get another A on this 3rd assignment, but I am turning it in late which means I automatically get 10% knocked off my grade. I was doing very well going to the gym at 5am, going to work, taking a short nap, and doing my assignments, but this week is just harder. I think I am having a hard time this week because I chose to slack off on Friday AND Sunday, and I didn't work on any assignment. That was a terrible idea. I shouldn't have spent all Sunday doing nothing. Especially because I have a huge learning curve in my classes right now. I had a little mental breakdown today, and poor Taylor caught some of it. I called him to hangout, but then I abruptly hung up on him because I was pissed off. I am pretty sure he is mad at me though because I tried to call back and apology, but he ignored my call. I know he ignore the call because he responded to my apology right away on snapchat. I don't blame him though because I was being rude. I also told him that I would watch Pokemon tiktoks with him, but I couldn't mentally do it. I need to get over feeling bad about it though because I don't owe him anything. I apologized, and he said it was fine. I hate when I do things, and then the feeling of guilt hits me. It's really annoying, and I am sure it was not that big of a deal to him.

I can't wait to be done with school. I just don't want to do it anymore. Everyday day is genuinely so hard, and I am trying so hard to hold it together. It definitely gets harder day by day too. I am also becoming really self-conscious about myself looks wise. I realized recently that I have been extremely harsh on myself when it comes to my looks because I have even thought about getting botox. I have already been insecure about my round/big face, but I have never thought about getting plastic surgery. That's how I know that I have been on Instagram too much. I think I am going to go on an Instagram cleanse for the next month or so because it's really ruining my mental health. It doesn't help that most of my feed is kpop, make up, and working out. All those things involve my looks. I do not think I am ugly per say, but I do wish there were things I could change about myself. I am currently working on things that I can change though, and I am proud of myself. I would be best that I take this week off and focus a little more on school though. I'll go back to working out next week or over the weekend while I am at Hailey's cat sitting. I also need to be more careful about what I eat. I ate a lot today, and i am not feeling so great.

Get it together Paula, you're almost done:

Remind yourself that you can do this. You've been doing it for more than a year.

You only have 2 quarters/4 classes left after this.

You are will always have things you want to change. Focus on things that are in your control.

Taylor is not someone you should harp on. He won't be in your future.

Keep working out consistently and eating properly. This is change that you can control.

Stop spending so much fucking money on useless shit. You don't need anymore Pokémon cards.

You got this. Pull yourself together.

-P I am adding this after because I was reading around last Christmas (2022) time, and the difference in mine and Taylor friendship is crazy. He barely talked to me last Christmas, but we literally spent Christmas together this year. We even opened advent calendars together, and he ignored his friends from like 2 weeks because I was on break from school and in town. Absolutely wild. We don't talk about sleeping as much anymore. Thank god, and I hope it continues this way long enough that it just stops. I did try to stop it on Oct, but it ended up happening again around Dec. There is something about our 3 month quiet periods. We will see around March/April how that goes, ig LOL.

[passingdaysthings]

01.14.2024 - New year, Probably Same Old BS

Today in Sunday.

I realized that I haven't updated in awhile, and I was pretty emotional my last post. I think that the winter break I had really helped because I don't feel as tense or as stressed as I was last quarter. Some big things did happen over my winter break though. One, the most notable it that me and my sister are not really on talking terms because we got into a huge fight over break, and how do I feel about that? Not much. I think she is being ridiculous about the whole situation that happened, and she even went and involved my cousins. She was immature about, and I don't have the time to put up with it. Two, Taylor as per usual, I told him how upset I was with him, told him we are just friends, no more sleeping together or whatever, and I still ended up talking about sleep with him. I am a fool for thinking I can actually stop because this is like the 4th time I have failed? Not only that.. he actually sent me nudes???? Like, he got me LOL. I was shocked. Third, I messed up at work, and a lot of other things happened at work on top of that. I couldn't really control the other stuff that happened outside of my fuck up though. Lastly, I am going to class full time this quarter, and I am really going to try. I already started slacking, but I am just getting it together after a decently long break. I am not sure why, but I have a confident feeling about this quarter. I am so far starting 2024 off with a very happy and confident feeling in general.

I am going to address the things I mentioned one by one. Starting with one, and it's probably going to be short because I don't have much to say. I think that my little sister is going through disillusionment with my mom because my mom isn't giving her what she wants without consequences. My little sister typically gets what she wants without much push back, and she is treated as the baby. Typical. She is the youngest. Recently, my mom offered to help her buy a new house, but revoked that offer when my little sister chose a house my mom didn't like. For me, this is very typical of my mother because my love from her has always been conditional. As soon I did something she did approve or dislike, then I was a bad child, and she would treat me coldly. Therefore, I grew up knowing that my mom's love for me has always been conditional, and that condition is "you will do what I say". I have grown from that though, and that is thanks to her really pushing me over the edge when she got her cancer diagnosis, blamed me for it, and then continuing to use it to control me. Absolutely wild. I have nothing to do with it, and of course, my little sister tried to smooth things over between us by saying she is just crazy from the emotions. I, who had to take most of the craziness, do not give two flying fuck about her emotions, and I am not going to sit here and take it. I am trying my best to decide on my life and career, and I am not going to sit and take her emotions. I am going to protect my peace. I was doing that perfectly fine until my little sister decided she was woke, understood everything, and tried to "fix" the relationship between my mom and me. Funny, right? My little sister who has always had unconditional love and care thought that her one major incident was enough for her to understand what I have been going through my entire life. Of course, my mother came to me during my sisters little "I am going to fix everything" moment, and told me that I was not allowed to be mad at her because she is sick, and I have to love her. Absolutely wild. I had already come to terms with everything because my mom is not going to change, and I am not interested in changing her. I am not interested in changing anyone for that matter because people should be able to recognize how their own actions hurts other as I have, and continue to learn and change from. This started a fight between me and my little sister that lead to her saying she needs space from me. This was wild because I was napping, and she barged into my room to force this "fixing" on me. I am just hanging out now, and I am focusing on my stuff. I am almost done with school. As for my mother, I am just going to continue on, and I am not going to feel bad about using her money or having her take care of me. I use to, but I don't now. She wired my sister 70k. The least she can do for me is help pay for my school WHICH does not equate to the money she sent to my sister for a house. It is actually much less. Also, she should support me anyways because I am her daughter, and I wanted to pursue higher education.

Two. Honestly, my favorite topics because it has taught me a lot about myself. My relationship with Taylor is the weirdest thing I have ever been through LMFAOO. I think it also comes from my person inexperience with a relationship like this. We are basically in a situationship from what I know? I don't really like to call it that because I genuinely feel like we care for each other or at least, in my pov we do. He treats me extremely different from all of his other "friends", and ig, the biggest thing is constantly spending time with me. He has slept with his other friends, so the sleeping together part is normal for him. Him wanting to sleep with me is not the weird part of our friendship, and that makes me laugh all the time. The special part of our friendship is that he spends all his time with me and confinds in me more than others. This man ignored his best friend of 15+ years for two week, but talks to me everyday. Not only that, he ignored his friend during Christmas because his best friend told him to come over, but he spent Christmas eve and day with me. I was dead when he told me. He spent time with his irl best friend while I was on a trip in Texas with my college friends. He told me that his best friend was complaining to him because he just ignored him for two weeks. Poor Zack and Ryan, dude. Taylor is like though. He ignores all these people who try to talk to him, but he talks to me everyday. He also becomes anxious when I don't talk to him or am weirdly quiet. I think... actually..unconsciously, I tell him what I am up to if I am about to ignore him for a long period of time. After what happened in my last post, I tried to tell him that we were just friends, and that we can't be talking about sleeping together. That didn't last because a week ago, we talked about it again. We even took it a little further because we both sent nudes. The only thing I feel strongly about this time is how dumb I am. I am just going to stop this whole trying to stop things because I cave every time, and I feel dumb after. I won't be starting it though. Maybe. I might. Depends on if I am feeling myself. I have also come to terms with my relationship with Taylor, so I think that's why 204 started off very refreshing. This has been what our relationship is life for TWO years now. I am just waiting for him to drop me, and if he doesn't, then I guess we continue because I don't really plan on dropping him. Of course, I will have the cross the bridge of explaining things to my future boyfriend, and at that time, I will have to distance myself from Taylor. It just has to happen because I want to respect my boyfriend, and I know that the person I am going to be with won't be comfortable with our relationship. I think that same about Taylor. I just won't stick around if he find a gf because I never want to get in the way of his happiness. I am not going to give him that happiness, so I will make myself scarce. I would also not want to make another girl feel uncomfortable about my presence. Taylor may not know, but I know that our friendship is something that would need to be sacrificed when one of us finds a s/o.

I don't really wanna type anymore, and I have homework that is due on like 4 hours. I should get to it LOL. Bye.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

11.08.23 - I am tired.

Today is Wednesday.

I am really just tired. I don't know how to explain it. I am emotionally and mentally just done, and Taylor really just pushed it over the edge. I really thought he was someone I could somewhat rely on. He kind of proved me wrong just now while I was complaining about feeling burnt out. I felt like he didn't want to talk, so I decided to say good-bye and hang up, and he could have just said okay and left. He chose differently. He literally went "thank god" and gave out a big sigh of relief. Someone who I thought was my close friend, and I could say something to... literally just treated me as I was a bother. Tbh, that really hurt me, and I initial thought was, "that's just how Taylor is". I shouldn't think that though. Why should I excuse his actions that hurt my feelings? He did something, and it hurt my feelings. From time to time, I am scared to lose our friendship, but I don't think I should have to deal with feeling hurt. Especially because I feel as if he doesn't care. He himself has said he doesn't care. I don't even know if it's something I want to talk to him about or if I should just distance myself. I ask myself this even though everyone I know tells me I should just drop him and distance myself. I also know that I should, but I can't help hold on to our friendship. I can't help think about all the good and fun times, but then again, I wish that I could go back to being distance friends with him. He could just go back to being someone who shared the same gaming friends, and nothing more. I just want to forget everything about my relationship with Taylor because right now, it's not something I can handle anymore. Not along with school, work, and my mom. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with it. I can't pretend everything is okay. I always just push my feeling aside because I have other things to do, but what is this relationship doing for me? I don't even want to talk about it with other because I don't want to exert my own experiences and opinions onto our other friends opinions. My experience with him are mine alone, and they have nothing to do with anyone else. This relationship has weighed on my mind for so long, and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. Things are so hard right now, and I just don't want to deal with anyone or anything. Everything is annoying no matter how much I try to ignore it.

-P

[passingdaysthings]

10.22.23 - Even More Tired

Today is Sunday.

I am still tired of people, dude. The combination of work full-time, school, and volleyball makes me tired. I don't wanna do anything outside of those things. Well, not that school and work are optional like volleyball. I am planning to go back to school full time next quarter, so I am basically going to quit volleyball. I am planning to play with Thursdays night because Tracy wants to, and I like the people I am going to be playing with. I will be quitting Tarpon though. It's been about 3 years now, but I can't keep making the trips out there with school. I really value my time right now, and I just don't have time to spare to things that aren't enriching my life or worth my time. From time to time, I just want to be alone, and just do my own thing. That would make be depressed though. Taylor also kind of pissed me off last night because I had asked him to watch dramas, but he told me I should just go to sleep because I probably won't make it. I really wanted to watch though, but he insisted I go to sleep because he was worried about my sleep schedule. I was upset, but Ig, I can't say too much. I use to do the same thing to him when I wasn't going to work. It's pretty unfair of me to be upset when I do the same thing. I need to control my emotions better when I am tired, and I need to differentiate what's actually upsetting me vs just my mental being poor. I need to study now. Good bye!

-P