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And then he was 5!

On Zoa's birthday he woke up and we sang to him and showered him in love. He asked if he was having a party and we said Not Today and quickly distracted him with his present. One of those huge obscenely expensive LEGO sets (but Mom Win, it was on clearance). "Jokerland! I always wanted Jokerland! This is AWESOME!" We ate bacon and toast and eggs and then got to work building our LEGO masterpiece. First the Batmobile then the rides. Joa and I took turns assisting. Then kids played while we built on our own. Parenting: when building LEGOs alone feels like a vacation. Later Zoa helped me make his cake, cracking the eggs and mixing it. He told me he wanted it to be a Batman vs. Superman cake and I had an Oh Shit moment and said that was too hard for me. He encouraged me to use my imagination and figure it out. SO I DID. Pretty proud, myself. Then we went back to building and playing. We made a frozen pizza for lunch - It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno! When we finished Zoa negotiated for no naps for him and Sagan and we laughed and consented. We did cake early BECAUSE WE ARE GENIUSES. Otherwise they would have spent the afternoon whining and pining for their denied love. But we ate cake - which in Sagan's case means he licked frosting off of cake then requested a new piece (which works for me so the cake disappears faster) - leaving a piece for Hugo, who couldn't conceive of cake at 3:00 p.m. After cake we headed to Legoland. Legoland in the afternoon in September is lovely because no one is there. We walked onto rides - no lines. It was glorious. Joa and I were feverish, trying to rush the kids to fit in as many as possible, but they were not to be rushed. They just wanted to play with giant LEGO bricks. So we slowed down and took notes on mindfulness from them, the best of our teachers. We ended our trip with a stop in the LEGO store so the kids could each choose one small set. Under protest we then went to The Habit (they just wanted to go home and build). They refused food, until the food was served, then they cried that they wanted food. Hmmph. Since it was Zoa's birthday, we got them food and let them eat our fries. Otherwise QUE HAMBREEN. If that's a word. We went home, built LEGOs, got them into bed way too late, and felt pretty proud of ourselves for surviving it all and basically being the best parents in the universe and throughout all space and time. So that was his actual birthday. It was a Tuesday. He got to skip school, but we took pictures of him building and cake-baking so he could get his Home Study credit, so it doesn't count as an absence. I love his school by the way! The weekend of his birthday, we headed to Las Vegas. We left Friday morning early. The kids took turns whining and wailing. We made it there in shambles and the kids ran off merrily to play while we collapsed and recovered. Well, mostly Joa collapsed. For me it was much easier with Joa there, since I so often drive alone. But he is not yet fortalezado for the car ride with our trip-loathing second-born. The kids DID NOT CARE ABOUT US. It was, in a word, supercalifragilisticexpialidocius. Or to put it in a more modern fashion, FUCKING AWESOME. They ran off with their grandparents; they didn't care when Joa and I left for a date (Greek food, Cold Stone, Walmart therapy spending, party-supply shopping); they were asleep when we got back; they let us sleep in in the morning; they didn't mind when we left that night for another date (buffet and playing $3 free money at Aliante while actively NOT GETTING the gambling thing); they were out with Grandma at Target choosing a toy when we returned; we went to bed and they let Grandma put them down no problem; and they let us sleep in AGAIN. Saturday afternoon I also abandoned them to go pose for a stayfitmom.com photo shoot with TNG Photography, and they did not care at all. Normally me leaving results in emotional explosions. It sets me up for grenade warfare. That did not happen this time. Sunday morning the kids and I went to Tracy & Chris's house to play with the toys. And the cousins, of course. Because if we don't make it to their house at least once, I know Zoa will cry about it on the way home. I have learned my lesson! Then home for naps... to rest up for the fiesta. Normally my kids lose their shit during birthday parties - and sure there was general madness and at least one child amid the mob of cousins and friends tended to be crying at any given moment - but this time the party was almost... mellow. I mean crazy and chaotic, but in a mellow way. Like, I started to get anxiety in the house after dinner while chatting with my awesome cousin Becky, thinking: They will be here soon! They will demand cake! They will have pitchforks! But I went outside when the eerie silence of the house became too alarming and I found the kids all laughing - totalmente a carcajadas - in my mom's jacuzzi (AKA the kid pool) while my cousin Zach pretended to be a shark leaping out of the water of the main pool trying to "get them." They were ALMOST hesitant to come get cake, ya'll. This is twilight zone stuff. Then they came and they were scary but not as scary as all that (certainly not as scary as last year), and we fed them cake and ice cream. Then came the madness of opening presents with like ten kids helping (perhaps there were less than ten but it felt like at least that). We unboxed the biggest toy (thanks Uncle Chris and Aunt Tracy and Siege and Milo and Ollie!) and hid away the rest in our car, mentally preparing ourselves for the battle of holding that particular boundary. But again, they were pretty easy and okay with it. Now that my work was done and the kids were happily playing with Imaginext Batcave & Metropolis and the guests were slowly exiting, the anxiety and movement caught up with me and I noticed the cake and cupcakes all alone on the table, and I fell upon them. And then I got ice cream and fell upon them some more outside while listening to my Aunt Dawn tell some fun stories that I had never heard before, about camping in the rain with a leaky tent and her pet frog that my mom one day discovered in my Aunt Dawn's freezer. It was a proper family reunion, though three main members short since Greg, Eddy and Kristin were off in some random state for a CrossFit competition. Missed you guys! The next morning we woke up early and headed home. The kids were surprisingly good and Joa and I were loving our audio book (Neverwhere). We need to go on another trip soon so we can finish it!

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Conversations with Zoa: Over lunch after the gym

Zoa: I tooted at the YMCA. Me: Oh yeah? Was it a loud toot? Zoa: No, it was a small toot. No one heard it.

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There I was, after feeding my children lunch, eating a nectarine, and not just any nectarine, but the ideal nectarine, perfectly ripe with that wonderful balance of crisp fruit and sweet juice. I wanted to weep at the beauty of this nectarine, and apparently Sagan noticed, because after glancing at me once or twice as I half ate and half moaned, he gave up on play doh and approached me. S: What is that? M: This is a nectarine. It is my favorite fruit. S: Can I try it? M: Of course! (Keeps a firm grip but offers him the fruit to bite.) S: (Takes a bite.) Yummy. (Takes another bite.) Mm mmm. (Tentatively places hands on fruit and takes another bite.) That's delicious! (Takes another bite.) Can I hold it? And that, my friends, is how you rob your mother of the most divine nectarine ever grown and STILL leave her with a smile on her face.

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Conversations with Sagan: Easter Eggs

S, whining: I want my Easter egg, Mommy, I want my Easter egg! 

M: I know, sweetie. You like Kinder eggs, don’t you?

S: Yes, I want my Easter egg!

M: I know, baby, they are so yummy, aren’t they! But we don’t have anymore Kinder eggs right now.

S: I want my Easter egg!

M: The next time abuelos come I will tell them you would like more chocolate eggs, okay?

S, happy: Abuelos! Abuelooo, where are you?

M: Abuelo isn’t here. He left on an airplane, remember? 

S, singing Daniel Tiger: “Grown-ups come baaack…”

M: Yes, grown-ups do come back. Are you ready to take your bath?

S:  I want my Easter egg!

M: When your other abuelo comes he will bring you Easter eggs, but right now we don’t have any. 

S: “Grown-ups come baaack…”

M: Yes they do. Time for your bath, okay?

S: I want my Easter egg!

…I think I need a new approach.

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Conversations with Sagan: What are you doing?

In the past few months Sagan has started saying the occasional full sentence. For a month or so now he has liked to string this particular sentence together: I like it. You like it. We both like it! He likes the logic of that particular construction. But yesterday came his first unique long complete sentence. My heart exploded on impact. Me: Whatcha doing, Sagan? Sagan: I don't know, watching a show with Zoa and playing with my monster truck! How is my baby THIS big? I love him so so so so so so much!!

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Thank you, Mr. Tree!

Today Zoa picked off a pod from our tree in the backyard. He rubbed it together between his palms and it fell apart into countless seeds. He cupped them in his hands; “Want to smell it, Mom?”

We took turns smelling and then with one big puff of air he blew the seeds. They flew into the air and and floated up, around, and down. He giggled and asked Mr. Tree for one last pod.

“Thank you, Mr. Tree!”

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Conversations with Zoa: Singing Sagan

(Happened while sitting together in the red recliner, before singing songs - Sagan already in his crib, presently singing the ABC song) Z: Sagan sings a lot! Joa: Yeah he does! He really likes singing. Z: Oh... Joa: Don't you like singing? Z: No... I mean yeah... but not All the Time!

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I wonder who did arts and crafts on Sagan. What do you think? Zoa? A frame job? They're not talking...

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After Zoa's first day of "class," (not pre-preschool because he says he won't go to school until he is 4), I picked him up. He was playing with Nicasio. When Nicasio's mom came in and over, Zoa stuck his hand out and said, "Shake hands!" She shook his hand, saying, "Oh, shake hands, friend." And Nicasio got offended! He said, "No! He's my friend!" :) Hooray for first "classes" and Zoa's first best "class" friend!

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Conversation between Zoa and Sagan

S: (crying on ground while Joaquin changes his diaper) Z: What's wrong Sagan? S: *sniffle*... sad! Z: Aw... do you want a beso? S: *sniffle*... yeah! Z: *kisses* ... is that better? S: ... no! Z: Do you want another beso? S: ... yeah! ... lots of besos... 😍

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A Boy and His Glasses

For a few weeks now, whenever we put on Sagan's glasses, he uses his right hand to grab the frame around the right eye to adjust them. Once they are adjusted and fit to his satisfaction he says, "There, all better!" It is BEYOND adorable.

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Spontaneous "I love you"s

They are Sagan's new thing, and they are the best! He will be standing or sitting next to me, then lean his weight into me and say, "I love you, mommy." Or he will come up behind me when I am sitting on the ground and he will hug around my back and say it: "I love you," lilting up on "love" like a song. I love you, too, Sagan. Other times he will lie in his crib and say, "Good night, Zoa. Good night, mommy," and even though he doesn't say the precise words, I hear them. I hear them all the time, in everything he does. Every time both kids are scrambling on top of me and he insists that Zoa "Share mama!" Every time he climbs on my lap at breakfast or dinner to eat in his favorite "mama chair." Every time he insists that I color with him, or another favorite, when he is jumping or climbing and says, "Look at me, mommy, look at me!" My heart expands more every day I spend with this beautiful, loving, sweet, funny, fun, stubborn, determined little boy. I love you, Sagan. Thanks for being my little man, and for teaching me how to love with my every move and word.

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What made you sad today?

Most nights, we ask Zoa this question. We also ask what made him happy. One day we will probably add, "What did you learn today?" When we first started it, for the longest time, weeks on end, Zoa gave us the same answer. 'I played Play Doh with K and it made me so happy. 'Kaden hit me, and it made me so sad.' Eventually his sadnesses and happiness usually were from the same day we asked. It made him so happy to go to the dinosaur place. It made him so sad to leave Grandma's house. Etc. Recently Joa asked him this question and for the first time his answer was an abstract! It came about because for several days in a row, every morning and afternoon he asked to go across the street to play at Miss Patti's house. I asked him if I should start going work and he could spend the days at Miss Patti's. He told me, sounding upset, "No, you gotta come with me!" That night before bed Joa asked the questions. Zoa said, thoughtfully, "If mommy leaves me at Miss Patti's, I will be so sad! I will miss Mommy so much." His first vocalized abstract sadness! My baby is growing up.

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Attack of the besos

It's Sunday and Zoa just woke up from a nice nap. He went to Joa in Joa's office and found him watching a race. He got really excited, pointing out Number 1 and Lightning McQueen. Joa showered him with a big hug and kisses, and I snuck out of my room, crawled down the hall, and showered him with kisses and love from the other side. Afterward Zoa said, "Thanks mom and dad! That was a lot of hearts!"

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Isolated Sagan Moment

Today while reading books before bed, I took turns reading Sagan his Easter book, and reading Zoa 'What Do People Do All Day?' After reading to Sagan then Zoa then Sagan, I was finishing with Zoa. As I read Zoa's book Sagan mostly ignored me and studied the pages of his Easter book. Mid-story, Sagan spontaneously leaned his body weigh into me and said, "I love you." And that's what makes it all worth it. All the love. He probably repeated his new phrase twenty times as I finished reading to Zoa and peppering Sagan's head with kisses. This love knows no boundaries.

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Z: Mom, look what I made! M: Wow! What is it? Z: It’s a ferris wheel! And it goes underwater. M: That’s so clever! Z: And when the people go under, they fall off!

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Conversations with Zoa: Rescue Bots

Z: I am Heat Wave! Do you want to be Mommy Boulder, Mommy? M: No, I will be Mommy Bumblebee, Sagan is Baby Boulder. Z: No, you are Mommy Boulder and Sagan is Baby Bumblebee. Rescue Bots to the rescue!! M: All right! Z: No, you don't say "all right." M: Oh. What dio I say? Z: You don't say anything. You just transform and you GO! Then he did the most awesome mime Heat Wave transformation ever, with sound effects, until he was on the ground in something that looked a little like Resting Child's Pose. Then he taught me how to do it. At first it was all, "No, not like that," but after he coached me for a while he thought my attempts were satisfactory. This kid cracks me up! He has my heart. 3.5 is FUN.