patchouli-and-macademia

[patchouli-and-macademia]

Wow I didn’t know there’s a title

So i’ve been feeling foggy and anxious since the past few weeks, sadly. And i’ve tried to help myself get out of it but nothing’s working as of yet. I noticed myself getting more tired and impatient but i didn’t think it would stay this long. My teachers yelled at me. That seems like a small thing now that I read it like this, but it was a tipping point. Right now, i’m just working on getting my feelings out somehow.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

I'm back.

My dad is obsessed with the idea of my liking psychiatry as being forced upon me or st. And i mean, not forced but like, suggested by someone or introduced by someone. And isn't that how ideas begin? Aren't you always influenced by things around you and then u start to choose for yourself???

So basically even if everything is my decision it technically isn't mine. And that's okay, i am always open to influence, because you are a changing person and you evolve everyday. It's supposed to happen.

I don't care really but i needed to get this out.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

It took my dad 20 days to tell me that my second piercing looked good. 20 dyas he ruminated on his unwillingness to accept any changes i make in my life that don't revolve around him. Sad.

But whatever i guess. Getting that piercing was a good thing.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

If i dream of being pampered then it means I'm lacking that right now aren't I

Fuck my life

[patchouli-and-macademia]

Younger me would probably feel bad about this. But Now me knows it isn't my responsibility to change someone else's life. And I will remind myself everyday. Maybe this was the reason I felt stuck. Maybe it wasn't.

But now I can't and I won't, spend too much time on this. Now it's not my circus, not my problem.

And I do feel a bit guilty about proving him right about himself. BUT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL GUILTY BABE. IT'S NOT MY FUCKING GUILT TO OWN. Ah, comfort.

I don't care anymore. And in doing that I am removing myself from caring about whether I'm caring or not. Careception. I'm out.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

You asshole! How dare you make me feel like it's my fault entirely?? Am I supposed to know everything in the world? How tf were you expecting me to get it right the fiest time huh? I WAS FUCKING TRYING YOU LITTLE SHITFACE I WAS TRYING! Fuck you man!

Get your fucking head out of the clouds and FUCKING LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME WHAT YOU FEEL FOR ONCE. ALWAYS WITH THESE GUESSING GAMES AND WHATNOT. GROW THE FUCK UP AND OWN UP TO YOUR FAULTS.

I will too. And I'm fucking trying. You don't get to undermine my efforts. I tried with you. I still am. Fucking help me for once instead of feeling sad for yourself and FUCKING TRY.

Please please please.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

It's so sad that i keep wanting to skip out on my life

Like i sometimes genuinely hate my current life so much that i just want to go over to my next phase

I feel really ungrateful because I'm not doing anything with what i have right now, and you know what

Nothing's gonna change till i actively try to change it and I'm gonna do it

I'm gonna do it

I'M GONNA DO IT BITCHASS

[patchouli-and-macademia]

What's better than your boyfriend of two years feeling like your childhood best friend?

Nothing.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

Shit shit shit

I'm not in a good place. Feel like puking but mentally. I have so many sensory issues rn it fucking hurts. Especially sound. There's so many sounds here. Construction work, like hammering on nails. Crows cawing. People dragging buckets or st outside my door. Tempos with their stuttering engines. Sweepers in the garden raking leaves. It feels like I can't think when there's sounds around.

I wanna get out and do something but I can't. I'll try. I'll try. I'm going to the bank to get a cheque book.

Breathe. One moment at a time. Slowly. No pressure. Just breathe. One step. Take it easy.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

Hi so I have recently discovered that you can use text to speech, no, speech to text while writing and it has changed my life I think. I'm not using it currently but still. Very helpful.

I'm sitting in the park waiting for A to come so we can talk abt his little misadventure. Some people are bursting crackers in the park out front. I hate firecrackers. Noisy useless pieces of shit they are.

I fought with dad today. Wasn't much of a fight. I'm angry with him and I'll wait for him to figure out why.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

I just-

I'm so dependent on hope, ya know. Like, I am an absolute optimist. God knows if I learnt to be one or I always was. But I'm thankful I am one.

The number of times I've gotten up and running from an absolutely depressing episode is innumerable. I'm so fucking proud of myself for that.

It gives me so much strength to look at myself in the third person and see what all I've overcome.

And I think I'm writing this because I need to hear it. That I'm brave. That I'm trying. That I haven't given up.

And I won't give up. No matter what happens. I can't. I won't.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

I'm confused. And scared. Again, I don't know why. I feel like I'm at the edge of something. And precariously balanced. I'm angry, oh, so angry lately. And I'm sad because I'm angry. I don't want to be angry. There's a way I can be Not Angry but still acknowledge that someone did something wrong with me right? I think there's a space where I'm able to accept that something bad happened to me but not give a shit about it. I hope there is.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

Hi.

So I've been in a mood lately. Like a Mood. I love doing that, capitalising random words just to get that specificity. It increases the importance of that word.

I'm lonely. Not horny lonely, but emotionally lonely. I have to get up early tomorrow but I don't wanna go to sleep. I don't know why. I want to be more patient, but there's so little time. For everything. For waiting for people to change, which I recognise is wrong in itself, but I can't help but hope.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

I wonder if this ruined my relationship but you know what, I'd rather be slow than be forced.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

Again, my parents. Really invasive. I don't know what to do but I'll figure something out. It's good that i stopped when i wasn't comfortable though. Don't wanna imagine what wud've happened if i went ahead. I feel guilty that my s/o didn't get what he wanted but I'm sure as heck proud of myself for stopping.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

I haven't touched myself that much. Like, i get off but not by touch mostly. And i do wanna explore it. Don't wanna force myself into it though. At my own pace.

[patchouli-and-macademia]

I can think about it and i masturbate too.

Nothing wrong.

But the moment it comes to actually having a person who wants to have sex with me i melt into a puddle