path-through-the-underworld

[path-through-the-underworld]

well. I finally feel like I am not a major fuck up. Apparently I'm attending the best uni in Europe. 2nd in the world. And I'm averaging a 1st/honours on my degree. I also published some things this year. And I've finished/gotten very high grades on my final exams for my other degree. Maybe life will be okay, in the end. I'm also almost at the maximum rating in my favourite competitive video game (nerdy, I know).

For the first time, I'm sitting here feeling like maybe I'm worth something? Maybe I'm not a total failure? It's really quite something. It's like years of feeling stressed and under pressure have finally been lifted. Knowing that that prick must also hear, somewhere out there, what I've achieved is most rewarding. Spite is a wonderful motivator too, as well as survival instinct.

I've succeeded in never looking back and yet, I still fight the urge sometimes to do so. Just a little peek... but I can't betray myself like that, fail the number of consecutive days I've racked up. I hope you know, though. I hope you can see my achievements and I hope they make you feel as insecure as you were when you were in my life, such that you had to lash out at me in cruel ways to make yourself feel bigger. I hope you see that I succeeded in spite of what you did to me.

Maybe I am finally worthy and beautiful to all versions of myself. I think there was still a childhood version of myself crying about how I had failed at showing my true abilities. Now I know, I have nothing to prove anymore. I've done what I needed to, and I can rest. Thank you, universe. I can finally be at peace.

[path-through-the-underworld]

23rd July 2019

So I've stayed awake all night, again. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's just hard to sleep. Maybe I've been having a rough time lately, I dunno. I need to let go of my feelings somewhere, even if they are petty or lame or whatever.

I'm angry. I am so very, very angry with some very important people in my life and it's rare that I'm ever angry with people I love. I'm angry with both of my best friends and my little brother. Maybe I'm wrong to be angry, but I'm not sure.

My little brother is someone I gave all of my energy and support to, always - I always wanted someone to be there for me, to help me through anything and hear me out no matter what. I always wanted an older sibling who cared about me, or just generally anyone who cared. Because of how difficult our parents have been historically, I wanted to be there for him and make sure he grew up more normally than me. I guess I'm angry with him because of how rude he is becoming and how unfairly I was treated compared to him, and yes, it is because he is a boy and I was born a woman. I hate it so much. The double standards everywhere and how much easier my life would have been, how much more seriously I would've been taken and the respect I would've been afforded if I had been a boy. Despite my academic prowess and the fact I've gotten into the hardest course in the country, my dad still does not respect me as much as he respects my little brother. Who is 10 years younger than me. And my little brother is coming out with terrible opinions, and supporting my dad who has a history of domestic abuse. He is also extremely rude to me and just seems to be becoming a chauvinistic prick. I'm extremely disappointed in his behaviour and I don't care who knows it anymore. I loved him so much and took care of him more than our parents did. I introduced him to many of his hobbies and treated him with love and respect no matter what. Is it wrong of me to hope for the same? Selfish? I dunno. I just feel so let down by him.

Then there's my best friends. Both of whom have been apparently struggling with feeling low, but refuse to talk about it and just sort of... dropped off the radar. I'm really tired of being friends with people who behave so coldly and refuse to talk to me. I've spent 7 years maintaining friendships with people who won't even verbally respond over calls to me. I finally realised one of them was a massive control freak when she showed me the text messages she'd exchanged with a past romantic interest. It freaked me out, how she practically bullied someone and emotionally blackmailed them. I'm glad I wasn't deemed worthy enough of her time that she would do that to me, lol. Regardless, I spent several years with both of these people only to be let down by them. I gave up other friendships and relationships for them, and I did very much love both of these people. More than my own family.

I guess I'm just super fucking annoyed with the people I love most in my life. Maybe I'm just a whiny douchebag, but I've spent years taking care of everyone I love and I'm so worn out. I can't be bothered with catering to others anymore, and I can't be bothered to excessively pursue them. I've felt shit before too, but it was never an excuse to be horrible to others. I dunno man. I just fucking hate the three of them a lot right now. I also really hate my family and their backwards traditionalist garbage. I can't believe they act so progressive at face value but never consider what they actually practice. Then there's my brother who conveniently hates/dislikes environments where he isn't the centre of attention, environments which are not sexist, and doesn't seem to understand that this is probably why he prefers the environments that he does; cuz they treat him with unearned respect for being Male. I actually really, really hate how no matter how high of an academic achiever I have been, no matter how much success I encounter, my fucking family and people around me still treat me inferior to men who are less successful and less intelligent than me. If there is a reason I have felt suicidal and shitty, it is that fact. I hate society for being set up this way and the people who perpetuate this disrespect. I'm really fucking done with this shit man.

I hate how dumb my brother is, yet he gets more respect than I ever got at his age despite being a literal child genius. I am so fucking sick of this shit. I wish things were different.