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23/8/17

It's been about 8 months since the break up. Decided to log back in here. At circular quay just taking in the sun. Couldn't figure out but feeling a bit down today. Can't say I'm completely over shaz. Part of me wishes we could go back but that will never happen. It's happy and sad to think about but I have to acknowledge how I feel. Keeping up this brave face gets tiring. I am a lot better now though I know that. I just need to stop thinking and move on. Instead of thinking next year it will be fine, I just want it to be right now. But if you don't feel it you don't. I know I'll be fine though. Things take time.

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24/5/17 6:21pm

I'm a Little but depressed today, I could feel it creeping up. Things just weren't going well. My back hurts from who knows what and I can't go gym. Least my eating is a bit more in check . Gonna start to try and monitor myself everyday from today over 2 weeks. Hopefully most of what I'm feeling is just side effects from coming off the meds. I am pretty lovely in general, I'm overly thinking about this engagement coming up on sat. I shouldn't be making it about me and I don't think o am, what's wrong with generally feeling like not wanting to go. I think it's pretty valid. Not like I'm not gonna go or go and be wierd about it. Guess its just the lead up to the event. Thank god I can get there later. I'll do my thing show face catch up with old friends and be off. Can't wait to leave here. Just start life over. I feel I'm adjusting back to being solo. Trying to think what I was like before being in a relationship. I think I'm just not a happy person no matter what sutuation I am. Now that I'm aware I know what to do and how to handle it. Shouldn't let things get me down and just focus on Being happy. I don't like the thought of perusing or finding someone. I am quite content and confident with myself, but the more I think about actively pursuing or putting Myself out there I just don't know, I don't feel good about it. Just happy for things to take its turn leave myself open for opportunities and not sabvotage myself as well. Who knows this is all part of my story, things just happen I can't control it. I can only control how I react to things not things that happen to me or around me. Time to really stop caring what people think or say, just be a better person from within.

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Need to start distancing myself from certain people. People that are too opinionated or just annoying. I might just need time for myself to evaluate how I react to things and not to care so much. Some people just have qualities I find so annoying to bear and I would rather filter them out but then I keep jumping from different people depending who's on my good side or not. Could this be more of a personal issue myself? Hmmm.

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24/5/2017 727am

Today is a new day. I'm a bit hazy don't know if yesterday was a bad or good day. I ran yesterday at Wooloomooloo , the shocks are getting worst but the run definitely helped. I've pulled a back muscle and struggled getting ready. This sucks got a gym session with nikki and Ramon after work and no i don't know if I can Go. Maybe I can just do light work. We'll see I guess.... the case hasn't settled yet. It's actually going to take a lot longer. I know this whole process is beneficial in the end but it's just taking so much time. It is definitely adding to my stress , I'm thinking would I even be here if it wasn't for the accident. Today is a new day and I just have to shrug it off and push on. Today I want to be happy and pay no mind to anything bad. Time to put my head down and work away and be the best I can be.

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Ok I'm getting a grip. Time to go to court and then that's enough anxiety for the day. People are pissing me off. Are other people the problem. Or am I the problem. Yesterday I didn't feel too good coming out of counselling. Not in a bad way. Just got me thinking maybe I'm the problem and I have a messed up perception of things and people. But then I have so many stupid people around me. It's best I just detach for awhile.

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Really pissed off and angry lately. Easily agitated. Really hats people in general, everyone's pissing me off

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21/5/2017 10:18pm

This weekend has been very productive. Some slight ups and downs here but maintained a good balance. Didn't end up drinking a lot too actually. Friday went to Alec's gig which was really fun. I don't regret going, lucky I stayed. Saturday was well spent with mum and Lolo. Just took em to yum Cha and got to go to a few shops, saw aliens with raf and today I went gym. Only day I haven't gone gym is Saturday, it's good to have a rest day. I actually felt bad for not going, but realised I've been practically going everyday. I'm still feeling the wierd electric shocks in my brain or how I describe it system shutting down feel. Like little glitches here and there where I feel i might faint soon, or generally unwell. Keeping my mind active really helps and keeping fit as well. I think now I have the gym down pack, it's really time for me to get my eating habits fixed. I can get on that protiein soon too and start building muscle. Need to learn the science around this. I also bout hat beat making mpc. New hobbie I hope I properly get into. It will be good to get my ideas out there if I learn it properly. I'm sure I can figure it out. If not then o might just return it and get my money back lol. But I most probably wont. Another week to go, time to be the best I can Be. Need to go on work mode now. Maybe I can start sleeping really early so I can go gym morning and just have the rest of the evening to make music. Who knows but we'll see.

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Invest time in my hobbies :)

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19/5/17 546am

Almost lost the plot yesterday.... but focusing on the good. Met my dr for ctp and he was a cool dude. Quote the angler and took a photo of he's best catches. I think I have a pretty natural knack for meeting people. We got along pretty well and that's how the day started. I was a bit snappy at work today. Some things annoyed me, the work load is just ridiculous right now, like just not possible to do within time frame, but not one to complain. I know it's in issue once it starts affecting my mental health. I stayed back till about 730, and made it to the gym, that was a good release. I'm getting confident over my body image, I'm starting to take form like how I looked at America exactly a year ago. The aim is still there, getting rid of this pot belly and having abs. The taxi ride home was the highlight of the day. Surprising what a hit of human interaction and comic relief can do. The cabbie who was Egyptian took me back to his travel experiences , all the way to Egyptian history, but of politics and a bit too much information about himself on he's younger days lol, never the less it was interesting and comical. Some things he said about Martian and finding the right person really hit me tho. More so about how important it was to marry someone the right person is very important, and shouldn't base it on any reason. More so should marry someone for no reason, really just have to feel it, like that's what you want to do. Really got me thinking huh. Anyways big day today, personally. Gonna try and tick of a few things for me to do.

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18/5 12.51pm

Yup I'm losing my shit. Fuck. Here we go again. This is probably cause I've stopped my medication it's almost been a full week. Or this could all just be in my head. Anxiety level is peaking and I'm very angry. Just at everything and everyone. But at least I'm aware.

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16/5/2017 6:50pm

I haven't written here in awhile. I'm Feeling good. Everything is flowing. I managed to get a lot of work done. I was very good at the gym today. Looking good and feeling good. Got my passport photos done, returning some clothes tomorrow and bought some new ones. Long as I spend within my means. I got a lunch meet up tomorrow too. Not really a date but who knows could be a start of a good friendship. My passport renewals ready to be lodged, in 3 weeks I'll have it back and I can begin my visa process. I've also got a few meetings lined up for my claim. It's all smooth sailing from here. Things are flowing which is what I like. It's when things interrupt and don't go to plan I start losing my shit. I haven't felt a low in almost a whole week I would think. Not sure would have to read back to my past posts here but so far i think I'm good. Things are becoming more manageable. I'm hoping this isn't heading towards some sort of manic episode which I truely think I've previously experienced. I am aware and ready for lows that will come cause I've accepted things arnt always going to be perfect. I forgot to take my medication yesterday contemplating if I should just stop now since I'm on a roll. I mean it's been almost 2 weeks taking a lower dosage and doesn't seem too bad. Haven't felt a major drop so it might be safe now. Doc said to try keep going for maybe another 2 weeks so i really don't know. I just don't want to be feeling like shit for no reason again cause I know what that does to me. Monday andrea spoke to me as well cause she was Concerned. It was really nice of her to reach out too, just puts me at ease with work as I've been thinking I've been doing pretty bad. I guess if she had any other major concerns she would have brought it up. I've been looking up a lot of things to do with mental health and diseases. I'm fixated with trying to self diagnose myself but I know better then to trust dr google. Just a lot of things I've read about leads me to think a lot of what I've been experiencing is hyper mania. So mania without the psychosis side effects. But I can't make that kind of call myself. My moods have been very sporadic since the start of the year. Or maybe they always have been and I am just a lot more aware now. Or maybe it's the medication that's actually triggering it more as I've read antidepressants can have a negative impact if bipolar is truely the issue. Who knows! So many questions. If one thing is for sure I'm definitely a hypercondriac. I mean I thought I had bowl cancer testicular cancer and aids at one point. If anything I'm just in a really good mood now I feel in control, but I'm aware and afraid it can change and I need to be prepared, it's exhausting like I'm always fighting inside of my head but I feel like I'm finally tackling this head on.

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Also...

Continuing on before being off social mediA is good. It's such. Waste of time. I accidentally logged on cause of a fb msg mum sent came up on email and naturally I checked the notifications but other then that still clear from snapchat and instagram. Too many ppl observing and seeing what I do since I tend to overshare when I feel shit. But it frees up my time for more productive things and better thoughts. Anyways that's all I'm home now.

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11/5/17 7:02pm

Feeling a lot better today. I'm a bit more up to date with my work and emotionally a lot better. Things are moving along for my claim as well. And tmoro is practically a day off. Bit nervious as usual but should be a good experience. I get awkward in group activities but never know. Yesterday was random meeting silva. She's pretty cool out of all the new ppl I've been meeting she seems like someone I could actually be friends with. She's not bad either, hmm dno guess we shall see. Just so I'm not creeper mode I'll message her for lunch next week. It's good I'm getting out there and sharpening my social skills. It will help when i decide to travel/move next and just good for myself generally to grow career and life wise. I still have my moments here and there, start of this week I definitely felt a drop and I felt absolutely shit. I just hate that low feeling I have, I can't explain it but it's like I just don't want to be alive. Now it feels really good I feel relaxed happy and at ease, top of the works but not overely which is what I like cause I know I'm in control. I'll get home soon and just tune out since I have to wake up early tomorrow. I will Yu and control myself at the gold event. I know when I get nervous I drink more to counter the nerves but I have to know my limits especially since it's for work and I'll be driving. I think it's best o don't head out to the city tomorrow night but then again I got nothing planned. Could I really go out and just not drink? That would be ideal really. Cause I'm determined to go bay run with allen on sat morning. Dinner will be with Shane and Gomez on sat so that should be a good catch up too. It's pretty solid he plans I have so that's good to know I got something to keep me on track. Time To tune out and relax.

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10/5/2017

I'm on the train to some training event for work. Should be good. I had a day off yesterday. Just felt really depressed again, well not deperessdd maybe just a drop since I've been taking less of my meds. Sometimes I think is it just me overthinking and making this all in my head. Today I feel better. Still feel low on energy but determined to get back up. I'll stay back after work since Il get in the office around 4. Long as I get some stuff done I'll feel more up to date and then I'll hit the gym. Need to stay consistent, the gym really helps me feeling better after, it's become a necessity. I'm thinking ditching the drinking this Friday, last 2 weeks were enough for me. Bay run on Saturday sounds appealing and just being full of energy and accomplishing things. My biggest priorities now are my mental health physical health and my future goal, which is moving overseas. They all intertwine with each other tho. Without the right mental mind set I can't move, and without being at my physical peak I know that affects me mentally. Just need to be sharp and best I can. And that connects with how I work at the gym, how I perform at work, how I socialise and meet ppl and organise my days. How I manage myself financially and the obvious prepare for the move. It doesn't hurt to prepare now. Regardless I need to go next year even if it's for 6 months. It connects to me having to organising my passport and visa and finalising this claim I have for Ctp to help me financially. On top of that need to stop with the excess shopping and going out /spending. Need to rationalise my money. This is the most money I've ever been making so I need to take advantage of that. The more I save now the more I can put in for my future travels. Things I need for travel I can just get when I actually move. I'm thinking a lot of hiking and seeing famous landmarks, museums and places to eat. It will be a great learning and living experience for me and I am blessed to be in a position I can do this. Just need to stay motivated and inspired.

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