paulamehy

[paulamehy]

久しぶり！

[paulamehy]

Am I really afraid to fail? Or I'm just afraid how people will look at me if they knew I failed.

[paulamehy]

The evil eye is real. Live a private life and keep things to yourself because what people don't know can't be ruined.

[paulamehy]

This is exactly what I felt.

It's only when you become a mother that you'll realize the weight of the words you once said to your own parents, the pain they must have felt. And now, the fear that your own child might say the same to you is even more heartbreaking.

[paulamehy]

I met my younger self for coffee today.

I was on time, she was an hour late.

I drove my car and she had been waiting for the UV.

She wore her college uniform straight from a graveyard work shift. I was wearing a shirt, pants and a rubber shoes.

She ordered a hot chocolate. I ordered a java chip frappucino

She told me she can't do work+school at the same time. I told her, that's okay.

I told her I have climb up the corporate ladder but still works graveyard. She told me she was proud.

She asked if I was married, she hopes she marries her long term boyfriend. I said I was not, but with a partner whom I have a baby with.

She cried, I was too. I told her I'm happy and she should hold onto life more.

She asked to meet me again. I hope to see her again.

[paulamehy]

I understand that it will take a long time for me to feel like myself again after all of these.

I just got discharged from the hospital. 19 days of pain and body ache from not being able to stand or do anything because of the apparatus that are connected to my body. I had TB, pneumonia and pleural effusion with collapsed left lungs. Fluid had accumulated in my lungs, and I nearly faced death if my in-laws hadn't urged me to get checked.

19 days of depression is eating me up and I don't know what to think aside from my baby that I missed so bad.

If I will estimate it. I had 4 surgeries in just 6 months- the laceration and lung procedures, imagine how the environment, anesthesia and everyday of blood extractions as someone so afraid of injections turned me into. My mind and body just can't handle it so I have decided that if I will be sick again, I asked my husband to let me die and I do not want to get treated in the hospital ever again. I know its gonna make him mad and sad after all the fight we did for the last 6 months but I choose to say it anyway. Its selfish and absurd and he cannot blame me as he sees how in despair I am. He then hugged me and said "everything's gonna be okay from here"

6 months ago, I normally delivered my baby, so easily that I didn't realize that I am already at contraction. But because of my high pain tolerance, I was still able to sleep. I do not have much knowledge about pregnancy aside from what to do and what not on the books, so I just thought that the frequent movement of baby in tummy is normal that I decided to sleep away the pain. Then I woke up, setup my work pc to start my shift when I felt the intense pain like something is coming up, then I was rushed to the hospital, did labor for 1-2 hours and gave birth to my beautiful baby after 4hrs, at 6am. The labor for me is easy, but the pushing is not. That's why I had a 4th degree perineal tear, maybe because I didn't apply the right way to breathe and push. I watched too many videos on how to breathe properly during giving birth, but I guess it's different in real life, when you are in the exact situation.

And that is the beginning of my suffering. I am talking about my body.

7 days after giving birth when I had complete wound disruption. Imagine what it feels like for me with a 4th degree laceration. It wrecked my body system, and it gave me intense pain aside from the body pain from after birth. My mind's been shut down as the blood, feces, lochia, placenta fragments and milk from my swelling and painful breast all flowing up at once. I decided not to get pregnant ever again.

I am at a hospital where my husband's aunt works, to schedule an immediate operation. I thought its just easy, that they would just do another suture and I'll be fine. But its not, the doctors said I have to wait for 3 months to get surgery. Otherwise, there is a possibility of the stitch getting open again if they will just do another suture without any surgery, and I understand and okay with that.

So I was left with an open, disgusting wound down there that I didn't dare to look at. Every week, we go to the hospital to get the wound cleaned.

Imagine how you clean a fresh external wound? Harsh and no anesthesia needed because it's external. You feel the cloth and metal being scratched to your skin just to scrape off the dirt and scab. The nurse isn't that nice either coz I can feel how rough and ungentle she is with every scratch. I was shouting and crying at the top of my lungs because of agony but she seemed to not care, its not that I wanted for her to care though, I fully knew that she's doing her job to keep my wounds out of infection. I don't know. I just can't think that much because of the pain.

I just feel like a fish being descaled.

It was done every 2 weeks for 3 months because they have to keep the wounds clean and kinda intact before they proceed with the surgery. 3 months of hell that I started to get traumatized even just by looking at the hospital signage.

Until November 2023, the specialist saw an improvement and gave an exact date to proceed with the surgery. I was then admitted to the hospital for 10 days for preparation.

I only gave birth once but I experienced two types of normal giving birth because of the epidural type of anesthesia being used. Then I had another suture, making it feel like I just gave birth again. But in my mind, its fine because at least it's the end of the hospital journey and all I need now is after care and be with my baby again.

I am starting to feel better.

Everything went well until February 2024, or 3 months after my post surgery.

What I thought was a normal fever, cold and sore throat was a life threatening condition already. I've been out and sick every once in a week and I seriously just relied on every home remedies and relievers available. I could feel my body being drowned whenever I'm laying in the bed and the sharp pain in my chests. I thought it was just a normal fever but it's always 38.9° to 39° for 2 weeks so I decided to go back to my parents' house for extra care. I did check up and the diagnosis was only 'UTI and Respiratory Tract Infection'. I knew I was misdiagnosed because I never had a UTI, nor I feel like I have one. But I gave the benefit of the doubt and took antibiotics and other prescribed meds.

But those didn't heal me. I didn't even feel an inch of relief. My fever's still going 39° and up, my body's getting weaker that I can no longer climb the stairs without running out of breath and its getting harder to lay in bed. My husband's getting mad at me for being stubborn as I insist not going to the hospital (might be due to the trauma I have during giving birth and recent surgery, idk). I always say that this is just a normal fever and sore throat and I only need strepsils and calamansi juice. I always assure him that this is what I normally feel whenever I'm sick because I thought it is. I'm still in denial and feeling strong.

My mom in law strongly urged me to go to another hospital and get myself checked. I then agreed.

I was rushed to the emergency room upon getting my temperature and after some interviews. I had an XRay and found out the build-up fluid in my lungs, was admitted right away, was informed how severe my condition was and scheduled the pigtail catheter insertion for tomorrow morning. A lot of things happened and a lot of information was provided in an hour that my mind isn't fully syncing up.

I just asked "what's gonna happen from here?" and my main doctor said "just prepare for the surgery, you might have 2-3 surgeries... depending on when your lung will recover"

I am indeed anxious as the day goes by, not only because I was in extreme pain but because I realized that I am taking care of my baby prior, and if I have pneumonia and tb, then I have to have her checked as well. I miss my baby so much and so many what ifs are running through my mind "what if she'll be sick because of me? She's only 7 months old and her body's not gonna make it." I can't help but burst in tears every night.

My in-laws are keeping me updated by sending vids and pics of my baby everyday; my main family, friends are also sending love and support. They are making sure to keep me motivated and to fight so I can go home and back to being silly again. If its not for them, my body sure cannot make it. I am too weak for all of these.

I look at my sleep-deprived husband, the man who gives me reason to keep going and take my lung exercises seriously. He stayed by my side through rain and shine, crying along with me, when he could have easily left since he had no obligation to me. I always tell him to let go of this weak and disheartened girl, and be with our baby instead. But that man's not listening to me and being stubborn as I am. How can I not love him for all eternity?

I had three surgeries in 19 days. I am beyond relieved that the fluid was drained out of my body and my left lung finally recovered through exercise. I had so much exercises since I was young, but the lung exercise which you just have to blow and reach 1000 level at the spirometer was the hardest (I initially just reached 250 - 500).

I was then discharged and good thing I didn't infect anyone with this illness.

I posted my journey on my facebook account with joking and light captions bc I want them to feel that I am so much better.

I'm silently hoping that this will be the end of my hardships and that I want to be happier and healthier moving forward.

[paulamehy]

One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find - is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.

[paulamehy]

“I learned not to trust people; I learned not to believe what they say but to watch what they do. I learned to suspect that everyone is capable of living a lie. I came to believe that other people - even when you think you know them well - are ultimately unknowable.”

— Lynn Barber

[paulamehy]

Forgive me if I don’t talk much at times. It’s loud enough in my head.

[paulamehy]

[paulamehy]

[paulamehy]

Dear you,

I hope one day you find the courage to run away from everything that makes you miserable.

[paulamehy]

I actually realised it a long time ago that there was a place I couldn't get into, and though I stand in front of that door time and time again, I get the feeling that I shouldn't disturb it. All I can do is peek in through a crack and eavesdrop... eventhough I knew I wanted to go there.

[paulamehy]

Can i call you?

Just stop.

[paulamehy]

This time you should spend all your care, your time, on somewhere else. Don't place your thoughts on me anymore. I already received enough.

[paulamehy]

[paulamehy]