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the amount of anxiety I feel when I go to work, is unhealthy. God, please help me.

[pavillonia-blog]

there is a daughter out there who pretends to be happy in front of her mother because she can't freely express her sadness, her disappointment, her unhappiness. cause everytime she whines, cries over her poorly treated life, her mother gets upset and angry.

there is a daughter who comes home after work and pretends everything is okay. doesn't have enough courage to tell her mother how frustrated her work is, because she afraid that her mother might gets more upset and tells her daughter to just accept and be grateful for her life without even trying to scoop her daughter's sadness and recognizes that she is feeling sad about it.

there is a daughter like that. like me. who come home everyday with a fake smile. and go out to work with a loud cry in the car.

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From Monday to Friday, I woke up at 3.30 am by the sound of buzzing of air conditioning. My son was still sleeping and my mom was praying. I took a bath at 4.30 am and ready to work at 5.00 am. I drove 29 km away from home everyday for 45 minutes to work, parked my car, and got a quite enough sleep for 30 minutes before went up to my office.

By the time I sat on my desk, it was 7.15 am. Busy with some thoughts and honestly I was easily annoyed by people in general. So, if people talked to me in the morning and they were talking about something unimportant crap, it would ruin my mood for a whole day. Like, I don't care about your problem bitch. Unless you're dying, I ain't gonna help. I've got some weights on my shoulder too and I'm not giving you any chance to add another weight.

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I just found out, apparently if you're looking down on yourself and always hard on yourself in every aspect, that's a serious mental health issues. Well, I AM A WALKING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES.

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I wish I was never been born.

Easy to say, heavy on meaning, hard to prove. I hate my life so much that I wish I was never been born. Should it be me? Can't it be someone else? Lemme' enjoy my unborn life. I don't want to fight, I'm tired of sacrificing myself so some people can survive. I'm tired being selfless.

I wish I was never been born.

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July 27th, 2022

Today marks my 53rd day of becoming a mom to a beautiful gorgeous looking boy. If you ask me how does it feel? It feels different. I miss my single life, for sure (since the wedding isn’t the one I desire), but since this boy was born my life was turning completely upside down (in a good way). I have lack of sleep since day one. Mostly I would sleep from 5 AM to 8 AM or 9 AM if I can extend and pretend to be dead. However, I’m not completely free from being a stressful individual who even more depressed since giving birth to a new soul she was waiting for a whole 9 months. Here’s I tell you why.

First, I wasn’t a mother until 53 days ago and all of these are new experiences. I’m willing to learn and study and want to become part of my son’s life forever. Make him happy and full of joy. Yet, I’m always concern by the way I raise him. Did I do this just right? Excellent? Am I a good mother? Am I good enough? The thoughts are still lingering inside my head and there is no answer to those questions.

Second, the man I married is still the biggest source of my pain. He’s the most problematic person I’ve ever known. End of the story. He’s the bad guy.

Third, I hate myself. Just hating my own self is more than enough. That’s it, I hate myself.

The point is I miss my old life. I miss those days where my grandmother was still as healthy as a horse, I still lived in my hometown, the day was shiny, cloudy, rainy, yet I was happy. Because I AM not happy.

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Counting days to meet my baby #1

June 3rd, 2022

It’s hard for me to tell people in general especially they who know me both personally and professionally. I really want to say that you can’t depend your happiness on other people. For those who are already married, you can’t count your happiness to your husband/wife. So, be independent and create your own version of happy. For those who are not married yet, don’t feel in rush. Take your time. Ignoring people’s harsh words about your marital status sometimes more worth it rather than listen to it constantly. Crying over people’s judgement is better than crying over you miserable life because you are married under pressure with someone who you don’t love.

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Day #4

9th March, 2022

I’m taking days off from work since yesterday to take some rest for both my mind and my mental, though physically I’m always worn out. But instead of doing something fun I used to love, now that thing isn’t interesting anymore to me. Whether it’s getting boring or doesn’t suit my age anymore, the reason is still a mystery. Even I can’t catch up with my reading list because its pace is too slow and I’m eager to get to the climax of the story.

Not to mention my temper is slightly high for the past few days. The littlest thing could trigger my anger. Is it because of my pregnancy? Or is it because of something else? For example, I can’t stand people in general. I hate them, all of them. I couldn’t even put a fake smile because I hate them and they are always invading other people’s privacy. I hate people to the core. What’s wrong with me?

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Day #3

As I scrolling through tumblr, I can’t help myself but looking at how people out there are really creative and so damn productive. It’s even hard for me to get out from my bed. Even though I always write, I write just anything pop in my head, random thought, nothing important. It’s a lazy habit and a bad one too.

So, national holiday today, also raining. My favorite weather. Yet, I can’t stop myself from being an absolute pain-in-the-ass overthinker. I hate myself and the way my mind works. I hate everything about me. I want to change my life but there is nothing to change to. I want to have a time machine and being reborn is my ultimate dream. A lot of things I regret and I wish I can go back to fix it or make it even better.

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Day #2

February 27th, 2022

Sunday, fine day, they said. Instead for me, it’s quite the same day. The same flat day with lots and lots of overthinking going inside my head. Sometime, I feel the need of time machine, sometime I feel grateful for what I have today. Anyway, there is nothing going on today. I just feel a little bit boring, yet I kind of miss this kind of feeling.

Tomorrow is a national holiday, yet I have no idea what should I do. Should I continue my story? But I have no inspiration. Should I read my currently-reading book? But I have no energy. Should I play some games? It’s boring. So what should I do? Probably keep on overthinking would be the best.

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Day #1

Today is February 18th, 2022, marks my first day writing back on tumblr and I’m 6 months pregnant. Yep, you read it right. I am pregnant and I’m married also. Although not that kind of marriage you imagine, for me it’s just a status to fulfill my mom’s and my family’s dream that her oldest and only daughter is already married and is expecting a child. Am I happy? Of course not. What do you expect from marriage for status? Not to mention the husband in question is making money LESS than I do.

Anyway, this is one of my therapy. I find writing is quite therapeutic and heals me inside in slow process. At least, it can transfer all of my emotions, anger, sadness, tiredness, annoyance, happiness (I hope). Today is only my first day and I just want to collect myself to really hold on the hope that I will get better by writing.

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Night #6

In some moments you realize that your man’s love is a “free will”. If you want to stay, then stay. If you want to leave, then leave. Sometimes you also think about your words when you said “let it flow and just get through it” is something you shouldn’t say to him. Maybe, it hurt him so he lost interest in you. So, you are starting to play suspect, blaming yourself for everything that happens to you, and thinking yourself is the only who is hurting him, not the other way around. When you start to think like that, then you must stop.

Stop of what? Stop loving him? No. Stop caring about him? No. But erase the “so much” that comes with it. Stop loving him “so much”? Yes. Stop caring about him “so much”? Yes. Because let’s face it, you are torturing yourself when your time is being wasted every time you wait for his well-being. Stop worrying so much for him and start thinking about yourself and your needs, start to take your care to the family back. He is nothing but an outside. You don’t know him 25 years ago. He doesn’t rise you, but you rise yourself. To become a strong independent woman. Stop caring so much about other people, and that’s him include.

Don’t ever wish to be loved by someone who loved you. Don’t ever love someone who you love. So what can you do about it? LOVE YOURSELF, RISE YOURSELF, BECAUSE YOUR HAPPINESS IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTER.

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Night #5

Do men always leave their women after they get what they want from a woman? Or do men always neglected their women when they know they got them on their hands? But the biggest question is, why do you always fall for that kind of man? The one who you know will never do good, yet you are willing to do anything for him, give almost everything to him, and finally (you apparently know the answer to that) you are lost to whatever he is trying to say to seduce you and make you crawling back to him, no matter how hard you try to fall out of love from him.

You are starting to question yourself, whether or not you did something wrong, or did you say yes to almost everything he offered and he started to think you are a gold-digger? But the feeling is torturing you and that’s hurt. You have to hide your jealousy because he is basically a friendly guy and everybody loves him. You have to surrender to the situation which is going against you. You have to stop playing the victim and man-up. You don’t always have to get what you want and sometimes you have to take responsibility for what you said.

You are a tough woman, really really strong woman. Everybody loves you even though they never openly say it. You don’t need their love declaration, what you need is just a little “love yourself”. Don’t hurt your own self for some stupid thing called, “attention”. Because you’ll get plenty of that when you stop asking for it. Is it hard to love yourself? That is never been an easy one to do, but worth to try. Until when you find the best spot of loving yourself, no one will get into your nerve.

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Night #4

The fourth night has come and the answer you have is “You, finally give up”. Not to stop loving him but start giving him what he wants because deep down, you know you are a coward and you need that too. The sexual relationship between you two started a night after your rough three days at work. He invited you to join him in a hotel, far away from your place. He said only one night and he was right. The night started with you two chatting comfortably in silence and peaceful ambiance, followed by a soft kiss here and there, and ended up with you undressed each other. So, your first night started.

It didn’t hurt you so much, hurt your pride probably but the enjoyable night spelled magic on you. He didn’t hurt you, he was so gentle and understand about your situation. Just like that, your life principle had come to an end with a guy who you think doesn’t even deserve you. Yet you come back and crawl at him.

Now that everything happened, your feeling is growing deeper, and his too. He gets so much comfortable with you although he has to understand your situation with your family. He doesn’t complain though, but he only tells you what to do and what will be better if you face the current situation.

He gets very calm and peaceful after your first night. So much love is coming from him and you happy to receive it. Although on the other hand, your mother has someone who wants to be introduced to you. And this person is actually asking you to marry him. What will be your answer?

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Night #3

He gets pretty demanding each day and the amount of attention he gives is decreasing. He asks you to be what he wanted, be free and never think twice about anything, especially when he offers you to stay with him, only him. That style of relationship doesn’t suit you. You are a quiet person with the loudest mind. So, when something feels wrong you tend to think about it first before decide is that a good thing or a bad thing. Your “over-thinking” style apparently the most hated personality of his version.

You two are getting along together, but when “what he wants what you want” comes as the main topic of the day, you two will have the greatest argument. Sometimes it ended up well with you two said sorry and still love each other, but sometimes it ended up nasty. Most of the time it always he who ends the conversation.

Until at a certain time you realize that you are the only person who should be loved by you. You start to take in control of your life, take in control of your emotions, by getting away from your new guy for a while. He texts you, but it feels flat. It doesn’t warm like it used to be.

The control starts with you stop texting him first and unintentionally make him crave for your attention. You answer his questions in a flat tone and don’t ask him back. Like people say, give him three days and see if he will crawl back to you or run away from you. The fourth night is the answer.

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Night #2

Allow me to explain a little about you. You are having the lowest self-esteem, you are fatter than most of the people your age, you are not smarter than any other people, you do not consider yourself as family’s pride. Also, you are not good at socializing. You are raised by a strict family with significant rules you must obey. Your family are a bunch of religious people and taught you well about religion, especially about your relationship with the opposite sex.

On the other hand, your new man is raised by a different kind of family. He has the most freedom you’ve always wanted. He used to share an apartment with his ex, don’t start talking about his sex life, he is a wild type. Yet, in the end, he met you. The strict, most problematic and dramatic person ever.

You envy him, with the freedom he has and how open-minded he is. But, when he asks you to be something he wants and to give something he wishes for you to give, it sounds strange to you not to mention that his wish walks against your principle of life. So, you take your words again. No, you do not envy him. Every time you feel small when he’s around, it’s because you don’t comfortable with him. It’s all because he is all whiny about his needs and gets so demanding about it. Without even respect your principle as a grown-up woman. You never ask him to be what you want, not clearly, but you did say you just want to a happy normal relationship which apparently sounds strange to him.

What he wants is a relationship where you two can live together against your principle, have sex before marriage probably two or three times a day, don’t really care about family (because he did say that he and his ex could handle the parent well, well means they were both living together and their parents didn’t know about it). The free life he wants is hard for you and you can’t keep up with it, yet he doesn’t want to let go of your hand. When you say you want to let him go in order to pursue his true happiness, but why he doesn’t let you let him go? What should you do?

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Night #1

So, you are leaving the--what so-called--man of your life, man of your dream, man who can accept your for who you are, because he has no intention of being serious and apply for some job. You are freaking 26 and you’re promise ain’t playing with relationship anymore. Yes, you’ve shared one two kisses, but that doesn’t mean you can get on your knees when he asks you to.

Your bus is pulling in to park as you send the most heartbreaking text saying “I leave you for good” and as you’ve expected, he is begging for mercy, needing an explanation, so you promise to meet him later when you go back to your hometown. He become a crying mess, doesn’t eat properly, and start looking uglier than ever. Then you go back to your hometown after one month away from home. It’s not like you miss him, but you miss your family. So, when he texts you to ask where you two can meet, you answer with a short “I have meeting with my friends, we can talk through chat” yet he insists to at least have one last word with you.

There you meet him, at restaurant’s parking lot. He comes and your feel the urge to vomit is getting bigger. He has messy hair, he always have. Coming in with a black hoodie, looks like he didn’t even go to shower before he meet you, and doesn’t even take care of his appearance, not to mention his smell doesn’t good either. You two have a long chat, despite of your wish. He keeps on talking until you take an action to stop and use your friend as an excuse. Right then and there, you end almost everything with him. Communication, social media, and above all, your relationship.

Weight has lifted from your shoulder, but unknowingly to you, a much more massive problem is on its way coming for you. That is start few days upon your return to the city. It’s your co-worker who notice your strange behavior on a group chat. Even one of your friend accidentally spill out that you’re back to being single again. He knows he got to fast so he chat you personally and ask you out. You say “yes” because hell he is your co-worker.

The road is filled by you two--you and your co-worker--having a magic and fun conversation and you tease him saying his crush is on the same team as you at training, and stuff. Yet he doesn’t bug, until when you two rush in to the cinema where the room is pitch black and people can barely see each other. You jump at a particular scene and he laughs, at first. You are easily scared and surprised by a certain scene--again--and this time he grabs your hand. You think he is joking but his hand never leave yours until the ending credits. You smile awkwardly, confused by the situation until it’s time when he drive you back to your apartment. Your eyes meet and you look right through his soul. “He likes me” you think. And that’s the fact being confirmed few days later. Your heart starts to racing, not because he is one of the person you are respect and being liked by him is obviously “something”, but the thing that makes you afraid of what’s to come is you two have different faiths and have different God.