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[pawsthoughts]

a day in november 2023

some hours after mom's birthday

i am getting broke again. spent an alright amount for a trip to bangkok and bali, but the delay in payments being received is causing me some anxiety. looking at the numbers in my bank account drop is quite scary.

spending almost another $2000 on flights back to taiwan is another cause for worry. it'll be great to see family again, although not for the with the best circumstances (grandma died). either way, i'm feeling like the things i've learned to do since grandpa's death allows me to take on a role that is more involved, artistically as well i might add.

digging through the digital archives of my life, i find myself hung up on the girl who took my virginity. she still haunts me, her words still caress and stroke my heart. what if it was all my fault? i took a ss that forever changed our relationship?

maybe that was for the best though. it has been established that she was grooming me, that she is sick along with her partner, unhealthy psychologically with their nonchalance at pleasure of the flesh. and i was part of that game, i was an npc being used and played, my development of relationships and sexual encounters were all affected negatively by that.

and so i need to heal. slowly, but i need to work on it. i need to let these things go. i might even need to delete a chunk of it. but my sentimental ass wants to keep everything. maybe a part of me wants to leak it some time, show the world what a horrible person has done to me. but it doesn't look good on me either. there is no winning in that. i need to forgive her. i need to forgive myself. i need to move on and find peace. i need to stop chasing shallow pleasures of the flesh.

[pawsthoughts]

last day of january 2017

the words have become simpler than ever, in a generation that has become so engulfed in its own indulgences and interests - i am tired of people getting offended and worked up over every little thing

i’ve been thinking of suicide in the last few days something purely internal i hope i cannot be sure i’m not sure if dying solves anything because where do i go from there? eternal suffering? surely that is worse than what is happening right now, everything here is temporary

keep your eyes on the goal, and if you have no goal, find one what do you want to achieve this year? forget about the 5 year plan if you can’t see that far. what about now and this year? what do you want to do in 2017?

1. get a job get some money be able to live comfortably 2. go to riga and visit david + laura 3. meet a new person who is nice and bakes

i think i just miss tanning with my best friend

[pawsthoughts]

i think i am depressed at least a tiny bit because i don't think i know how to love proper and the selfishness is too great i i i there are just too many me me mes idk what to do and i am getting so old

[pawsthoughts]

your apathy killed me tonight

[pawsthoughts]

dreams on Sunday May 29 2016

i dreamt of my soul mate today. grandma didn't remember me someone asked why this girl and i aren't together i woke up alone

[pawsthoughts]

it feels like she sings this to me

[pawsthoughts]

there is a scent I can never seem to forget; it was worn by the first girl I dated

[pawsthoughts]

it is a tragedy when newness ceases.

[pawsthoughts]

there's just something about her that's not attractive anymore. you wanted more. you got greedy. and then you lost it all.

[pawsthoughts]

can a father who doesn’t know his own son be a real father? can a husband who doesn’t understand how his wife thinks be a real husband?

pete doesn’t seem to care. he thinks the world revolves around him; his family, his work. he has no real friends, just colleagues and employees.

the words that are formed in his narrow mind has no basis of emotional quantity, but even less so is the capacity for logic. he is his own logic, and no one can tell him otherwise.