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[paxtontinsleyarchive]

Paxton nodded, almost slowly. She was thinking, and it came to her that they couldn't really have the conversation they needed to have with her daughter present. So, Paxton, just said, "I do. But perhaps not today. But, I do want to say that, there are no hard feelings on my end. I know, I think, why you went. The things that happened were not your responsibility and I never thought they were," Paxton said with a small smile. She thought that most people could and would hate their sibling for leaving them behind and not protecting them, but Paxton couldn't put that on her. As unfair as it was for what happened to Paxton, it was more unfair to expect her sister to do more than what she already did. "What do you do now? Aside from," Paxton gestured to CiCi.

There wasn't much that she could say, there was too much of her life that had passed and too much for little ears to hear and know. Plus, Paxton was private, she didn't like telling people, let alone ones that were little and liked to repeat things.

Sutton watched them from afar as she ordered her coffee, hot chocolate, and a cake pop for her daughter. It warmed her heart to see her sister with her daughter. She never thought that she would be able to have that moment. Paxton had always been important to her, and she still regretted leaving her sister behind for Carter. She hoped that they could have a conversation without little ears around. She wanted to know everything she had been up to. ’ Thank you. ’ Sutton said to the woman who had previously been rude to Paxton. Sutton knew that she was going through a divorce and custody of her kids.

Making her way back to the pair she could not help but smile catching the tail end of their conversation. Her daughter asked so many questions, but she had never grown out of it. She appreciated her daughter’s need to know and was unafraid to not question it. “ We have lived here for almost six years now. Plus one of her kids is in the twin’s classes. So maybe that is why? ” Sutton said laughing as she put the hot chocolate in front of her daughter warning her that it was hot. “ Guess what I got you? I got you a cake pop. Don’t tell your sibling, deal? ” She was mostly joking because she was often taking the kids on day dates. “ I’m guessing she asked about a million questions and I am sure you also have some? ” Sutton was always blunt in a way. They had a lot to catch up on, a lot to get through. Therapy had really helped her come to terms with a lot of things. Making things right with Paxton was always on her list but she was always unsure if she would ever get the chance. “ I know I have a ton for you. ”

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Paxton shook her head, and dug into her purse for her own brand. However, as she stood there, there was a certain unease that even the soothing feeling of the nicotine couldn’t give her. There was an ocean between them now. There might have been a thousand words she wanted to say to Raina, apologies, defense, but none of it was necessary. There were very few people who saw Paxton for what she was. The woman before her and her son were the only two that seemed to love her for her entirety. Paxton offered her a weird smile and then said, “It’s not weird. It’s... difficult. I don’t know where to step and I’ve been someone that people accused of being overly sensitive to care.” Paxton flicked her ash away too, trying to wrap her head around her feelings.

Listening to her, she considered. She knew that Knox didn’t mind, he said so, but she wondered if that was the case. There was this nagging feeling in the back of her skull that she couldn’t shake, something that felt all too familiar and she wasn’t sure what being too close would do to that feeling. It wasn’t her business. “You’re not cooking,” was what Paxton answered with a nod and tilted her head to car. “I’ll cook,” she said. “Hell, I was gonna experiment with a dish anyway, so you might as well be a tester.”

The lack of protest was a pleasant surprise for Raina. After spending most of her life fighting with someone or something, Paxton falling into line right beside her was a bit of a relief. The rest of the grocery shopping went quick from there. They waited in line and they made their purchases without so much as a word exchanged. Truthfully, Raina hadn’t thought through what she wanted to say to Paxton; all she knew was that she wanted to talk. Once the glass doors slid shut behind them it felt safe to do so without little birdies overhearing -- and, well, they could smoke, and Raina needed a cigarette to talk to the woman that felt like her daughter but wasn’t anymore in the eyes of the law.

“You want one, or are you off nicotine?” Raina asked, lighting up one for herself. She took a drag and felt her nerves go up with smoke. 

“I’m sure this is weird for you -- it’s a little weird for me. But what’s more weird is acting like I don’t know that you’re back,” Raina turned her head to exhale. It was only polite. The cigarette helped steady her pin-balling thoughts enough for her to face Paxton fully. She flicked ash to the side and smiled faintly at the sight of Paxton. The emotions she felt towards Faye, the swell of pride, gathered in her chest for Paxton, too. Despite everything that would have made it all too easy for Paxton Tinsley to become just one of many, she stood in front of Raina as something far greater than what the world offered. Paxton did what very few ever did -- she looked at what the world offered and decided that if that was all it had to give then she’d make a world of her own. “I probably could have said this all inside, but you know me -- still a little scatterbrained on a good day, but that’s besides the point. I know a lot has happened, but despite everything, I want you to know that I have nothing but love for you. As long as you call this town home, then you have a place with me. Okay? Now, you got two options: you can end this here and we go our separate ways with a new understanding that we’re not, nor were we ever, strangers or you can get in your car and follow me back to my place for a late lunch.”

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eddiesanchez​:

“I would but that makes me feel xenophobic, Pax,” Eddie said with a little laugh. His fingertips grazed Cado’s short hair as the dog doubled back to them. He smiled as the greyhound did what it did best: run. As its brindled fur blended in with their surroundings, he smiled awe-struck at the fluidity for a moment. He looked over and gave Paxton a sympathetic smile. “You and me both. The not knowing and the growing up too fast. I went fully virtual as a sophomore. My parents needed a third income to stay afloat, so high school was more of just a necessary end,” he explained with a little shake of his head like it would turn the sneaking negative thoughts into a blur. Maybe to Lor he was the cute guy with the curls and that was part of how they wound up here among other reasons he was equally involved in. Eddie was happy to focus more on his daughter rather than the past. “Mia does have my curls. Just in her mom’s color. She looks a lot like Lor but the curls are all mine.” 

—

In a particular way this conversation burned. Talking about kids always did, who took after who more. Penny got Knox’s eyelashes, the only girl to get the eyelashes that boys tended to not deserve. She remembered being struck by them as even a new born and how long and thick they were. “She’s fortunate to have two parents who care, who want to be there. Teenagers need more parenting than kids, I’ve been told.” And she knew first hand too, which was certain Eddie did too. “I relate. Not because I went virtual, but my mom really only worked to keep the shelter over our heads and to support her drug addiction. Lived off food stamps, tutoring, and selling drugs,” Paxton said with a sigh. She was too young, and shook her head. “It feels like... two different lives. Maybe three, to be honest. Do you feel like that?”

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Kaya Scodelario for You Magazine

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liv-li​:

“I know. It kind of pisses me off sometimes how nice his hair is,” Liv said with a roll of her eyes. At the very least, Rhett wasn’t one of those guys that did nothing and still had nice hair. She saw his haircare and skincare products, it wasn’t all just 3-in-1 shampoo. If it was she was liable to smother him with a pillow. Instead of saying that out loud, least Paxton think she was serious about murdering her boyfriend, Liv honed in on the name ‘Fawn Keller.’ She laughed despite herself as Paxton groaned her misfortune. “You got conned and I got played. I told Fawn I wasn’t coming unless she got a chocolate fountain and that crazy bitch raised me one and got that and a champagne fountain so now I have to go. Fair’s fair,” Liv said with a shake of her head, expression shifting at the thought of costumes. “You’ll see both of us, though, Continuing the hair theme, I’m going as June Carter and he’ll be my Johnny Cash. What about you? And don’t say a chef – that’s lazy.” 

—

Paxton squinted at her costume ideas. The idea that perhaps she was being played was arising, but Paxton couldn’t put a finger on the intent behind it so she swiped it away. “I’m channeling my brunette Regina George and going as one of the 70s Playboy Bunnies. I haven’t been to a costume party in years, and I can achieve that pretty easily without much overhead.” While not technically unemployed, she wasn’t really bring in the extra income that she usually did so she was careful with her costs. “Champagne fountain...” Paxton paused. “I bet she’s not getting the actual real champagne to put in it. We’re going to end up with sparkling wine of some sort in there.”

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— kaya scodelario

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Facing his mother was almost as bad as facing him, she thought, swallowing thickly as she knew she was spotted. Paxton didn't ever know what to say, not in these situations. The whole thing was hard, and there were no safe words, so only silence felt safe and the only way there could be silence was her distance, so she gave it. Silence seemed like the less damaging of the ways to handle her divorce and separation from the woman's son. But she wasn't just a mother in law, that was the thing. Raina had taken in Paxton like her own daughter, and never treated her any differently, or gave her any lip for taking Knox away from her to go to France. She had a handful of basil in one hand, and a steak in the other and she felt dumb, staring at the woman who was the closest thing to a mother she had, and she just said, "Okay."

Knox's words about it tumbled around in her head, once she loves you, she keeps you. And perhaps that terrified Paxton a little more. Because Knox wasn't hers so seeing his mother, pretending to be part of the family, it was a slow poison she didn't want to drink. Yet, she fell in line next to Raina, still searching for words that weren't coming. Everything sounded like an excuse.

Closed starter for @paxtontinsley

Where: Horizons

When: January 1st, 2023

When it came to groceries, Raina preferred a Farmer's Market, but the Farmer's Market was closed and she was low on local honey. Maybe it was fact, or maybe it was fiction, but Raina kept bottles of local honey in the house like a religion because a spoonful of it was supposed to help with seasonal allergies. It had to do with the bees carrying the pollen of all the local flora or something. Raina stood on her tiptoes and with her arm swiped three bottles into her cart unceremoniously. She could feel a few years shift her way, but ignored them in lieu of one familiar pair of robin's eggs blues. She heard through the grapevine that Paxton Tinsley was home, but she hadn't made it a point to seek her out. There was too much history there with Paxton being her son's ex-wife, the mother of her first and only grandbaby, and her former daughter-in-law. Raina figured if Paxton wanted to see her then she'd come find her. Well, looked like whatever powers that be intervened. Before she could turn away, Raina casually angled her cart a certain way. "You look good. We should talk," she said, leaving little room for protest and avoiding the usual pleasantries because even with the past four years they were more than acquaintances.

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eddiesanchez​:

“That’s deep, Paxton. Especially, for a quick walk on the middle of Sunday,” Eddie said. He didn’t talk about agreeing with her because it was a little heavy – the idea that they all learned to live with their pain. He shouldered his since seventeen and now it was just normal. Normal to not speak to his parents anymore, normal that he lost all that time with Lor and Mia. Before his mind could dwell on it, she picked up the joke about teenagers. Eddie laughed along with her. “I’m not sure if she’s a Daddy’s Girl, Lor might agree with you, though. I hope she’s the rare one,” he trailed off with a little smile, then squinted over at Paxton. “Which one were you? The only girls I grew up around were piss and vinegar – still are.”

—

“Blame France,” Paxton said with a shrug. She did that all the time. At the mention of who she was, which one, Paxton snorted a laugh. The truth was that she felt like a silhouette of people’s expectations and opinions of her at that time. She didn’t know what she was, or who she was, and some of that bled into now. She felt like she shifted too much to be a stable person. “I don’t know what I was,” Paxton said. “Though people tell me I was the overly cool girl.” She moved to pet Cado as he trotted back to her and then trotted off down the trail. “I grew up too fast, that’s the sort of girl I was. You were probably the cute boy that everyone liked, with the curls,” Paxton said with a laugh. “Does Mia have them too?”

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liv-li​:

“I think he’s plenty remarkable, but here he is. You can judge him honestly – I won’t be offended,” Liv said. She opened up the photos app on her phone. The photos didn’t do Rhett complete justice, in Liv’s opinion, since he was more than a pretty face; she figured Paxton would at least feel he was a step up in the looks department when compared to Kev, though. Technically, they were pictures of their polaroids – it was Liv’s way of compromising about Rhett’s geo-tracking paranoia. She decided not to explain that to Paxton in that moment. Instead, she looked up at the words “divorced” and “peace.” She reflected Paxton’s half smile with a little tilt of her head. “Peace is always the ultimate goal – even if it looks different over time. What do you do for fun now, Pax? I’m assuming your serenity doesn’t involve house parties in The Mines anymore? Unless the old crowds have leveled a little – then, I would say we should go together at some point.”

—

“He had nice hair. You two have very nice hair,” Paxton said with a nod. “Good hair couple, you both,” she waves a hand to the phone and Liv. At the mention of house parties in the Mines, Paxton groaned. “I got conned into going to Fawn Keller’s New Year’s Eve party, and I already am dreading it.” Paxton knew Liv knew Fawn, she was something of an outskirt friend from days past. “Are you going? Further, what are you going as? Further, further, will I see the couple with the good hair live and in the flesh?”

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vannrichmond​:

“A lot of things are bad for business, that doesn’t stop people from doing them.”  She could be up on her high horse as much as she wanted, he didn’t know her, and yet there she was, standing in his house. The ease at which June let strangers in their house was weird to him, she was too trusting of people, or maybe he wasn’t enough. Either way people did things they shouldn’t do, all the time. “Opening anything thing takes a lot of effort.” He said, he wasn’t blind to that.  He’d opened a thing or two in his life, Maybe just one thing, but still, he knew it was a lot, no matter what it was. “You probably don’t need to be here.” He said with a shrug, “would have survived without for a few days, we’re not invalids.” Did he appreciate the gesture? Well, for him, no. He didn’t think they needed a cook. He thought that was stupid, and he would until he was six feet under. But did he understand how it was helpful for June? Yes. Someone needed to be around to eat with her, it couldn’t always be him. “I try to hunt a lot of things, I don’t end up killing half the things I try to hunt.” He said with a laugh, “ain’t a great hunter. Ain’t even a good one.” 

—

“Rephrase,” Paxton said. “I don’t know either of you well enough to derive a foul opinion enough to fuck up my reputation and therefore business over you.” Paxton knew what it was like to be poor, she knew that life. Cooking was the way she made her money, it was her skill that kept her life on track and solid. Ruining that was never something she’d do, despite how much a random guy distrusted her. One who probably couldn’t even make more than one thing half decent. “No, I don’t need to be here. But a favor is a favor, and I owe my friend it.” She shrugged. “I never said you were,” Paxton quipped back. She didn’t need him to piss his insecurities on her, she was sure that he was capable of six half decent meals. After all, he didn’t seem like the type that was always rich, but he did seem like the type to once have a fridge full of condiments and a steady diet of TV dinners even when he could afford more, and the sort of laziness to not read a cookbook and feed himself a little better was an assumption that made her distinct flavor of French disdain come back. “I mean, you got something otherwise there’d be no venison. Now, I cannot contend if it was a half horned cull buck type, but it’s something.” Her smiled flickered, it was a joke. “What are you great at, then? I don’t really see a woman like her,” Paxton nodded to the direction of the stairs where his wife was, “being with someone who was less than extraordinary in more ways than one.” 

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Great? Paxton tilted her head. "She corrected me on how to say croissant like I haven't lived in Paris for eight years and speak the second language better than my first," Paxton said with a roll of her eyes. Paxton, ever the bitch when she wanted to be, bit her tongue because it was too early in the morning to yell at a barista and while she was mean, it was a certain shade of mean and out of touch to yell at someone making minimum wage, so she didn't.

Paxton gave her a nod, and pulled a chair out for Cici, "Here, this seat is good." Why is this seat good? "Because you can watch all the people and cars going by." That's not fun. "It's not? I find it fun," Paxton said. How do you find that fun? "Well, what do you find fun?" Well, I like to play with my kitchen. I make pies and pizza. "You like to cook?" Paxton asked. This had her attention now. Cici babbled on about it, and Paxton just asked follow questions. Penelope would've been eight, and she wondered what things she would have liked. It was something that she wondered about passively. She wondered all the time her daughter would've been, and while it wasn't a constant thing, kids around the age her daughter would have been always made her think of her.

As Sutton returned, Paxton smiled. "You get better service here, and less lip. Must be nice." There was a half a chuckle that came from her lips.

“ Perfect. ” Sutton said still keeping the little girl on her side as they made their way back into the small shop. “ Who Jackie? She must be having a bad day. Normally she’s great.” She said with a slight laugh as she had known the woman for years. “ Perfect I could really go for a coffee. ” Sutton was not someone who rarely ate breakfast before meeting her wife, but now especially with kids they had in more often than not.

The place was surprisingly not crowded which was a good thing for the trio as they found a booth in the corner. “ I’m going to go grab two coffees and a hot chocolate. ” Sutton asked as if she had been there since they were born. There was a trust, a bond that even twenty years was still there. “ Do you mind watching her for a second? ” Sutton asked not sure if Paxton would be comfortable with such a thing. She reassured her daughter that she would still be in sight until her daughter asked who she was. She was five, but damn she was smart and intuitive. “ You know how Ellie is your sister? ” Sutton said slowly trying to think of how to phrase it in a way she would understand. “ This is my sister. She’s your auntie. ” Sutton getting slightly choked up at the words as they left her mouth. It felt unreal that they were here right now. “ I’ll be right back okay? Stay with your auntie. ” She said watching the child nod, placing a kiss on her head.

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Their eyes matched, in some sense of it. But Paxton knew Knox's very particular shade of gold and green from memory. Faye's were more green than gold. whereas Knox always looked more lupine. Still, there was something about it that jarred Paxton. Once again, she was confronted that she had taken and learned and healed as best as she could from the death of her daughter. She had to. In that, she had never grieved or really confronted the equally painful loss. There was this ugly part of herself that weighed the loss of Knox as something more heavy than her own daughter.

She was biologically hardwired to love her baby. But Knox, what they had, that wasn't hardwired, that was a choice they made, and some of it was chemical but it was a choice they made over and over until one day, they stopped. But the thing was, she didn't stop. She put it on ice, because she had to, and standing here, confronted with the woman who she considered her sister, who was there more than the biological one, it affected her deeply.

Paxton was brought back to the present with the question, and she nodded. "Declan Wang became a great fan of my cooking in France, and then in San Francisco. He tempted me out of hiatus with a deal I couldn't really refuse... and I suppose it was time." Paxton was not meant for YouTube videos and cookbook for the rest of her life, no matter how well she did at either. "It's good that your back," Paxton said with a nod. "Yes?"

"it's pretty recent," faye responded without glancing over at paxton just yet, with an avocado in her hand inspecting it's ripeness. they were a rarity here and she was all about snatching them up, especially since there was a good deal going for them. "just moved here in november when the house was ready," she tacked on and gave a small smile as her hazel eyes found her brother's ex-wife. her former sister-in-law. "i was going back and forth for a bit as i finished teaching my kids through the end of the semester up north. i couldn't handle just visiting anymore, you know?" a slight shrug of her shoulder, faye's attention went to collecting six avocados and making a purchase.

with paxton and this moment, faye didn't want to make a big deal out of it. the last thing either of them needed were emotions getting out of control and confronting their forced separation. or, what felt forced to faye since she had never been apart of the decision. and she reminded herself of that often whenever she felt a little sour about what she too lost. "same could be said for you too though, huh? you're back?"

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BRINGING ME HERE, WHAT IS MY PURPOSE? / self para when / new years eve 2022 featuring @knoxwells

“You have to come,” Fawn said, and moved to perch herself on the counter. Paxton shook her head. 

“Fawnie, I haven’t been to a costume party in years, let alone one for New Year’s Eve.” Paxton was plating their dinner. It was another recipe for the upcoming dinner menu.

“I have some things,” Fawn said. She moved off the counter and went to Paxton’s closet. It was an annoying habit of hers, and Paxton just rolled her eyes while she heard her rummaging. The exclamation of “Oh my!” from her bedroom had Paxton already sighing. 

A moment later, Fawn arrived out, holding out a very classic corset type bodysuit that Paxton spent entirely too much money on earlier in her marriage. “Put that back,” Paxton said and motioned to the food. “It’s plated.”

“This is a thing of beauty.”

“It should be, I spent five hundred euros on it, because I was wine drunk, in front of the La Perla store and a moron.”

“I have ears. You could wear this, fishnets, I can destroy one of Landon’s old white dress shirts and you could go as a playboy bunny.”

Paxton’s eyes drug toward Fawn. “We’re not in high school anymore.”

“Exactly, it’s more fun now.”

“It’s inappropriate.”

“Paxton.” Fawn sighed, “No one cares. Landon and I are going as Tommy and Pam. It’s a house party. And this deserves to be seen. Everyone comes as an array of things. Last year Carol dressed as a literal porn actress.”

Paxton laughed at that. “Carol doesn’t have the tits for that,” she quipped back, Carol always complained that she didn’t have enough tits.

“She used the cutlets,” Fawn snickered.

“I wish I saw it,” Paxton said and pushed the plate toward her.

“Only if say you’ll come, and wear that.”

Paxton sighed, “Sure, sure.”

—

Well, Fawn didn’t lie. It reminded her of a high school party, but more fun because they had more money to drop into it. There was the jungle juice, as promised. She had a cup of it and was leaned up against the wall of the hallway, listening to a conversation she had no idea how she got herself into it.

She felt eyes on her and when she looked up, she noticed Knox. Unable to help herself, she smiled at him.  It took a few minutes of shuffling before they were close enough to talk without shouting. 

“That looks familiar,” Knox said, doing his best to not look down her cleavage.

“The very same,” Paxton said with a nod to his flannel and a laugh. Of course. She glanced over her shoulder to see if Fawn was watching. This felt a little too coincidental. “What are you doing here? I didn’t know you were friends with Fawn?” New development? It could have been, it had been three years, who knew.

Knox shook his head. “Landon’s little brother is one of the guys that works with us. I, uh, didn’t decide to come until last minute,” he said with a gesture to his own costume.

“Brawny paper towels?” Paxton guessed.

“Yes,” he nodded.

“You did that five years ago,” she said with a little laugh.

“Well, I didn’t realize you’d be here so, it felt safe to replicate.”

“Clearly not safe,” Paxton said with a shake of her head. There was a long pause, it started to feel awkward and Paxton started to glance in order to get away.

“Pax,” Knox said.

“Mm?” She answered, looking back to him. He seemed like he was racking his mind to say something, and she watched for a second longer before she helped him, “I still use the knife strip you made me, the magnetic one.” 

He paused, “Oh. I thought…” his hand went to rub the back of his neck.

“You made it for me, it’s nice, it’s not something you get rid of.” She shrugged. She didn’t know how to do this. When they parted, it was because he wanted to be with another woman who had a kid. That weird sense of rejection was something she never got over, never was able to fade that distinct sort of pain. So she bolted before she had to really deal with it. 

“I’m glad you kept it,” his eyes seemed soft. Like he softened under the admission. Maybe it made it easier, to know that she didn’t hate him. She couldn’t hate him, no matter what. She shifted, suddenly aware of all the feelings that were resurrecting themselves and the idea that a kid might be calling him Dad, a kid that wasn’t theirs and as much as she softened for him, the gates slammed back down.

He knew the look, and he seemed to flinch away from it. “I don’t mean for this to be weird,” he said, his voice a little strained.

“It’s not,” Paxton said, shaking her head. “I have to, we have to, get used to seeing each other again. It’ll just be… whatever this is for a minute until…” The sting wore off and she got comfortable with the idea of him with someone else. It wasn’t something she ever confronted, him with someone else. Him with a new girl, a new baby. When he told her, she accepted it and then pushed it into the box. Now the box was coming undone and she was left once again feeling like the wind was knocked out of her. Because she was standing here, pretending like she didn’t let him go for another woman and like he didn’t go, and she couldn’t imagine anyone having him and letting him go — surely no one would make that mistake like she did.

“This is weird…” he trailed off.

Paxton smiled bitterly. “Yeah, nothing like talking to your ex-husband, wearing lingerie you bought for said ex-husband when you weren’t exes and instead very happy. In fishnets. With a bunny tail.”

“And bunny ears,” he tried to joke but it fell flat.

“I, uh —“ She wanted to escape. She was embarrassed. Embarrassed because she was in lingerie that she bought for him, when he was someone else’s. “I need to… get out of here.”

“Paxton, wait, I —“

“Knox, it’s not you. It’s me. You were here first, I just…” she gestured to her outfit. “It’s hard enough without wearing this, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks,” she said. Paxton gave him a short smile and then went to walk out of the house. She needed to get out of here.

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starter for @fayewells at the farmer's market —

He really wasn't kidding. She knew it was a small town, but once she ran into him, it then became running into his family too. It always made her nervous, and for Paxton that was a big deal, because she wasn't someone who got overly nervous, but with his family — they welcomed her in, they loved her like their own. And then she divorced their collective boy and disappeared. She figured that was the best thing to do, get gone. The party was over, the damage was done. No one wanted an unwelcome guest, one that made the problem worse, and that was Paxton.

Confronted with his sister, she figured now or never. At least it wasn't her mom. Paxton wasn't sure if she could handle Raina, the mom she picked as her own and then had to separate from too. The profound sense of loneliness in losing the family she chose because she was no good for Knox and he wanted something else, and she didn't know how to fix it. A glimmer of a smile, "I didn't know you were back, too," she said, going to inspect the basil. The world had changed in three years. It was different. It felt weird now.

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WHEN I’M NOT LOOKING YOU ARE SOMEONE ELSE / self para when / autumn 2006 (sophomore year) tw mention of abuse, high school shit featuring @knoxwells and hudson wells (npc)

The lights on the Iron Hill house made the already large mansion look like a castle. Paxton had thought about houses like this her whole life. Thought about the people who lived in them. It was a stark different from the small house she lived in with her mom that was just barely in Outpost, one street separated it from the Mines. But it was the Mines, really. Yet, Montgomery Wallis had invited her to this party. Mostly because he had a feeling she’d bring drugs, which, she did. 

Her and Hudson got into a fight on the way to this party. She didn’t tell him that it was Monty, a senior, who invited her. He found that out on the way over and was convinced it meant something. It didn’t. Monty was in her calculus class, he was a senior, she didn’t pay him any mind. If he paid her mind, that wasn’t her business. 

Paxton was walking through the halls that were crowded with people, pausing to swap pills for cash. She was making her way to the bathroom when she came face to face with Monty. He had perfect white teeth. He was rich. He was the captain of the football team. He was going to Mississippi, just like his parents. “Hey, you came!” He said with a laugh. 

“Seems like everyone came, Monty,” Paxton said with a nod. 

“Yeah, there are a lot of people here, it got out of hand.” He shrugged. Monty wasn’t one of the assholes, you know, the rich ones who thought they were entitled to everything. He worked hard. If she thought anything of him it was that he was bland. Generic. 

“Are you actually gonna stay and dance, we have a whole dance floor.” 

“No, I don’t think so.” At that time, someone tried to pass behind her and shoved her, to which drew a glare at them as she was thrown into Monty. “Sorry,” Paxton said and then muttered under her breath, “fucking asshole.” 

“No worries, I think I spilled on you,” Monty said.

Paxton looked down and noticed that he did, in fact, spill on her. She chose that moment to laugh, because of course.

“Paxton?” Hudson’s voice cut through the noise and she and Monty looked to him. He was red in the face. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Paxton looked at Monty and said, “Talking?”

That made his little head explode and he reached out to grab her forearm, his fingers like vices on her. Paxton ripped herself away. “Don’t fucking grab me, Hudson.”

“Why the fuck are you talking to him?”

“He’s my friend? We have calculus together? He invited me here?” Paxton said, her tone drawing the obvious and condescending with disbelief. 

“Are you fucking him?” Hudson said. The noise around them had stilled, waiting to see the fight. 

“What?” Paxton couldn’t believe that. She started to laugh, which was the wrong move, and she gestured to Monty, “Where? Here in the hall? Might be a little painful considering he still has his pants on.” Paxton glanced to Monty, “but maybe his dick is big enough to be able to keep his pants on when he’s fucking me.” Monty went red, his hands coming up and he stepped away from them.

Hudson however, was pissed, she could practically see the steam coming from his ears.

“You’re embarrassing,” he hissed at her.

“Oh, that’s ripe. You’re the one who started screaming. What’s the matter, can’t take what you dish?” Paxton snorted. “You’re a coward.”

“Fuck you.” 

“I already have, and I would give it a one star rating,” Paxton hissed back. 

“I’m done, find someone else to bring you home.”

“Not a problem,” Paxton said and turned around and walked off. She didn’t see him go, instead she got a drink and finished making some money. Another drink, another couple hundred bucks. She was done and making her away out of the party with money. She didn’t even bother looking to see if his truck was there. She’d rather walk home than deal with him.

Turning a corner, she almost walked into Knox. “Sorry,” they said at the same time. Paxton almost smiled, but she was still annoyed. 

“I saw Hudson peel out, I thought you’d…” Knox trailed off, reading the irritation on her face. “Here,” he said and handed her the drink he had in his hand. 

Paxton sighed and moved to lean against the wall. Her guard always slipped when it came to Knox. He was associated with quiet libraries, math problems, and vocabulary. He’d always been present in her physical safe space, and he’d made himself a pleasant companion in it. 

“He loves you, you know,” Knox said with a shrug.

“Everyone loves me, Knox.” Paxton said with a sip. She was tired. If this was love, she was tired of it. 

“I don’t,” he said with a shrug.

Paxton’s icy eyes flicked up to his face. She caught his golden ones, there was no trace of a lie there. 

“You don’t?”

“Nope,” he said. “Can’t love something you don’t know.” 

She nodded. Her guard came down again. He was smart enough to know he didn’t know her, even if he was probably the one who knew her best at the moment. Everyone else made up stories about who she was, parts she played because if they were going to be committed to misunderstanding her, why fight it?

“You want to get out of here? I’m kinda tired,” he said with a shrug.

“Yeah, me too.”

“I can take you home,” Knox said as they walked to his truck. 

Paxton shook her head. “I don’t want to go home yet. You want to just drive around for a bit?” Paxton unrolled a twenty and handed it to him. 

“What’s this for?”

“Diesel.” 

Knox barked a laugh. “Pax, no. Don’t worry about it, I was gonna probably do that anyway.”

It was starting to get cold, and Paxton left her jacket in Hudson’s car. Her flesh turned to chicken skin in the cool night air. Paxton’s rule of clothing was that less was more, and tonight was another example of it. Walking home probably would have been miserable, but she’d been more miserable before. As she climbed into Knox’s truck, he reached over and turned the heater on. He moved to hand her the cord to the tape player to radio cord. Paxton dug into her jacket and pulled out her iPod. She flicked through the songs before she found the one. “I wanted to show you this one at the library today, I think it’s good.”

“Who is it?”

“We The Kings.” She’d never led him astray with her music choices, so he accepted it. And they drove for a while, her showing him songs and him telling her to put on ones too. She’d moved to the middle of the bench seat in the old truck and was working on the balance of the stereo and she didn’t pretend to move away. At some point, his hand went to her knee and she didn’t chase it away or flinch from it. 

The clock flicked to midnight before long and he looked to her and she looked back. He cruised once around the block and then when they saw that there no trace of Hudson’s truck or her mom, they parked into the driveway. It wasn’t uncommon that Knox would drop her off, or that he popped over. They were paired on a lot of science projects together as they had the same biology class. It was something of a second home, her mom was either sick on the couch or gone. 

Tonight was the latter. As they walked through the front door, Paxton turned to lock the door and chain it. After she walked back to the kitchen to get him a glass of water and he nodded a thanks. He moved to turn the TV on. Paxton sat in the middle, and without much prompting, put her legs into his lap. Knox was flicking through channel when Paxton blurted, “Wait, this.” It was a cooking show. She loved cooking shows. Knox glanced to her. “I love cooking shows. It’s cool how they can do things with like nothing.”

His hands went to her feet, resting on them until his thumb pressed into the ball of her foot. Paxton blinked a few times, it felt good. He was relaxed on the couch, and she felt herself scoot toward him and his touch. They chatted about the show and as she got closer, his hands went up her legs. She was telling him about how she learned how to cut an onion and he looked up at her. “You’d probably be a good cook, you know.”

Paxton snorted. There was no food at the house to learn to cook with. “No, I’m going to into programming.” She liked computers and coding. 

“You’d be good at that too.” 

Paxton was practically sitting in his lap and she rolled her eyes. 

“Pax, you know I mean it. I think you could be good — great — at anything you do. You’re really clever. You work hard too.”

Something about that hit her, and between the way he had a hand on her thigh, how he wasn’t pressuring her, and probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said to her, his head tilted just a little before she moved to kiss him. 

There was no delay in his reaction. Her legs came around and she settled to straddling his lap, his hands running down her sides. Her hands went to his face. Knox’s thumbs hooked under her shirt. She moved to pull his shirt off, he shuffled to let it come off, hands smoothing under her shirt, and it came off seconds later. 

They broke, breathing hard. His hands moved over her rib cage as he looked at her. “Paxton.”

She moved to kiss his neck. “Mm?”

“Hey,” he nuzzled her so that he could look at her. She looked at him back. “Are you sure? Do you actually want to?”

She paused. She’d never been asked that. Not once in all her years of sexual activity. No one ever made sure. A small smile crossed her face. “Yeah. I want you.”

“Okay,” he said and his hands moved to her thighs, managing to stand up and carry her to his bedroom. 

—

It had been two weeks. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t think about that night. For a brief moment she thought about something with him, but the fact she caught feelings put her off a bit. It was weird for Paxton. Then the phone calls started. Hudson was relentless. 

And Paxton did her best to avoid him. Until three weeks later and he couldn’t be avoided anymore. Paxton was standing in the parking lot, talking to Wesson Winslow, a guy she was in robotics club with. He also played baseball. Wesson was very All American, which wasn’t Paxton. But they had more in common when it came to interests than personality and Paxton liked him enough. He’d studied with her and Knox a lot. 

Hudson moved to lean against his truck that he parked next to her. “Paxton.”

Her eyes flicker to him. “Hi Hudson.” She went back to shuffling her books in her bag. Wesson looked to her and then Hudson. 

“I’ll see you in tomorrow for the Tech meeting?” Wesson asked.

Paxton nodded, “Yep, I’ll meet you there.” Wesson moved to walk off and her eyes went back to Hudson. 

“So you with him now?”

This was exhausting. “No, I’m not with anyone.” She had a lot rolling around in her mind, and Wesson was only part of it. 

“He looks like he wants to be with you.”

“Everyone wants to be with me,” Paxton said with an eye roll.

“Did you sleep with him already?” 

Wow, how fast the jealousy came. It was gross. 

“I mean, if you did, then you probably already know I’m the best. No one can hit your buttons like I can.” Hudson shrugged. 

Paxton’s head turned to finally look at him, her eyes cold. “Your brother is better, actually.” It came out without her meaning it too. The filter didn’t click in. 

Hudson’s eyes jerked to her. He didn’t believe her. She smiled. “He’s bigger than you, you know. Kisses better. Goes down better. Lasts longer and rebounds faster.” Was it cruel? Perhaps. But she’d had enough. “His name tasted better when I screamed it.” Partial lie, she didn’t scream. She wasn’t a screamer. 

Hudson’s face went red. With both embarrassment and fury. “You’re a fucking —“

Paxton cut him off, “Slut? Bitch? You’ll have to pick a more clever name to call me.” She leaned into his face. “But rest assured, you best pick a good one, because I soon as I hear it, I’m making sure I fuck your dad too. I’ll chop down your whole family tree, and I’ll make sure your home for each of them so you can listen in.” 

Hudson stepped back. “Fuck you.”

“Never again. Goodbye.” Paxton walked around him and headed to her house. 

—

The next day, when Paxton sat down next to Knox at the library study table, she did a double take. He had a black eye and busted lip. “Knox, Jesus.” Her hands turned over his to see his knuckles had cuts on them too. 

“It’s fine. Just, maybe next time warn me before?”

“I wasn’t thinking.” She felt guilty. She looked at him. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” Knox said. He shrugged. Paxton smiled and looked down. “What did you actually say?”

“I said you have a big dick, a magic tongue, and stamina and quick rebound.” Paxton paused. “I said your name tasted better when I screamed it.”

“Yeah, that will do it.”

Wesson walked up at that time and placed his books down. He also did a double take at Knox’s face. “Damn, dude.”

“Thanks.”

“I didn’t mean it badly,” Wesson shook his head. He looked back to Paxton and she smiled at him. “You alright, Pax? I heard things got ugly after I left.”

Paxton glanced to Knox. “It’s fine. Handled.”

“Alright. Hey, so, I wanted to show you the notes from the coding class and the project.” Paxton liked that if he heard she slept with Knox he wasn’t making a big deal of it. That and he was focused on the project at hand. But that was Wesson. He tended to get very zoned into the projects. It made it easy for her.