pceexistsinthevoid

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“That mountain is part of the sacred Black Hills. Within the Black Hills are some of the holiest sites of both the Lakota and Cheyenne. To have the mountain defaced with the likenesses of Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, and Roosevelt has been like rubbing salt in our wounds. For us, the giant faces were the images of our conquerors, planted in the very heart of Indian country to mock us.” - Dennis Banks, Ojibwe

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when the angels invented me god said to them "wow you arent even joking not even a little"

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y'know, 10 years ago today i was turning 13 and wondering "god, how much longer will i have to do this whole Life thing? I'm so fucking tired. how the hell will i ever survive that long if i'm already this fucking tired?"

it would be another 3 years before i had the words "chronic, passive suicide ideation" to describe what i was experiencing*, but that moment- that ugly moment which ended up being far from a moment where i couldn't "just be happy" about my birthday- is the first time i recognize it in my memory.

turning 23 today and experiencing differently phrased versions of those same thoughts- not for lack of "trying to get better," in case anyone thinks they know my situation better than i do- it's strange to think about that kid. that kid who was years out from understanding they weren't a monster, let alone understanding the ideation itself wasn't a monster. it's just my old friend who i've learned to not take advice from.

i wish i could write some sort of resolution for that younger version of me beyond that, but frankly i've stopped hoping for one. i'm not a walking moral failure just bc i'm suicidal all the time, and that's good enough to get me through for now. the world could be a lot fucking nicer about it, though.

*it's been a hot minute since i've fully reread it, so it's probably far from the perfect thing i want it to be, but this article is what first really gave me an "aha" moment wrt those words and is really meaningful to me on that basis.

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excuse me, i’ve been alive for some time - and hope to be alive for some time more. what should my next action be?

continue

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Excuse me I just died what should my first action in the next world ever be

forgiving

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good golly theres a minute left

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good golly theres a minute left

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You're 22 your life is just be-ENDING! Because its OVER! You're FUCKED!!!!

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i don’t feel like i’m old enough to be my age

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my autopsy results came back inconclusive

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Ready for my treat (death)

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today I discovered Anne rice’s son’s tweets through twitter. im like this is exactly what I should have expected

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