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pdehp · 10 months ago

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Hello again, almost a year later.

It's kind of strange because I used to blog somewhat often. However, like I said in my last post, I needed a strong enough pull in order to write here. Thankfully, I have a community with family, close friends and therapy for the life challenges that have popped up. But I wanted to come here because a lot has occurred and writing may be cathartic for me tonight.

Over the weekend, I broke up with my boyfriend of more than a year, almost a year and half. I've written about him here as GB and he was my longest relationship in my dating life.

We really had wonderful times as partners. I have great memories: Broadway shows, good food and beers, city walkabouts, kissing and cuddling, the movies, the beach, rooftop hangs, regular visits to usual spots like his neighborhood restaurants and bars. I feel our language was quality time and we definitely did with watching TV and movies at either of our homes. I also particularly enjoyed shopping with him, helping him get fit for a suit or looking for things he needed.

He is a mature person, I feel. He does have personal challenges to work through, but aside from that, he has been nothing but gracious and patient and understanding about the difficulties I come along with. And that includes my deafness, and the work I do for a career. He is nothing but great about these things. I tried to be there for him when it came to his job hunt, selling his apartment, family dealings, health issues and whatever else, and he'd thank me for my support.

GB went with the flow with James and Ross, and also with me being so close to my brother. I'd sleep with him while deaf, and he'd understand when my implant battery died. My odd work hours wasn't an issue, and he'd be chill about when breaking news came in. He'd read my articles and reporting. And for him, I'd send him entertainment news and job listings. I'd ask about his family regularly. I tried to encourage him with his goals, being productive with tasks, or addressing challenges head-on.

This was a case of trying to become a part of each other's lives. It worked and sometimes not.

Other than being the longest relationship of mine, it was also with plenty of milestones: The first time I regularly called someone "my boyfriend". The first time I held my own party gathering and had a boyfriend there. The times I brought my boyfriend as a plus one to parties and meetups with friends. My first wedding as a plus one. The first time I introduced a boyfriend to my brother. The first time I introduced a special someone to my mother. The first time I shared selfies with the entire family, and the first time my father tried to openly comment and check in on me about GB. The first time I've had to break up with someone myself.

I realize that I'm writing between past and present tense, and that's because I'm hopeful we'd continue as friends. However, I also understand that is really up to him. I'm giving him space.

So, it happened on Saturday. We met for beers that developed into dinner. It was normal as in catching up after more than a week apart. It was tough because I knew the moment was coming, and we were there laughing and smiling. There were also instances of meaningless questions and moments of silence. But alas.

We left the restaurant and I suggested walking to the park where I could get to that conversation.

I offered if he wanted to sit on a bench or walk—he said to keep moving, I think because he was cold, sighs. There is no right time or right place to do this.

Anyway, I started with my spiel that I had mentally prepared for a while now. My therapist helped me with this: I was speaking in "I" statements, I was not criticizing him, I was not defending my choice, but I was setting my boundaries.

"Hey, so I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind."

I took a breath, looked up to the sky, audibly sighing.

I prefaced everything by saying this was hard for me to do.

"First of all, I think you're a great person, I enjoy the time we spend together, and I appreciate everything you've done for me."

"And I've been doing some thinking, and I feel that this relationship is not working for me."

There it was. I did it.

"I think we'd be better as friends if you're open to that. I just have been thinking that this is not working, and I think we should break up."

Silence.

We kept walking.

He said "okay."

We kept walking.

He looked at me. I looked at him.

We kept walking.

More silence.

"This is just recently? Did something happen?"

That's what he was thinking.

"No," I said. "And I can answer any questions you have but I feel that'd be better for another time."

He murmured aloud, "another time."

I saw him squint his eyes, perhaps in confusion, but I don't really know. He was mostly expressionless the entire time.

"This is really hard for me to do because I care about you."

"This is not a criticism of you, and I have nothing but great memories."

Then, I repeated my initial point again, that the relationship is not working for me. This is where I'm at in regards to us, and that we should break up.

We reached the sidewalk, where we'd go our ways.

He gave me my coat that he was wearing.

We did hug. I tried to hug him tight.

"Okay, goodnight."

"Get home safe."

"You get home safe too."

He crossed the street, and I watched him.

He looked back at me, and he doesn't usually do that.

That broke me emotionally.

He turned to keep walking. And I started sobbing.

I couldn't see him any longer and I cried. I cried.

I walked for blocks crying. I cried at multiple convenience stores trying to find tissues. I cried at the bar. I cried in my car home. I cried in bed.

That's the hard part. GB was mostly emotionless and expressionless when I had that conversation. I didn't know what he was really thinking, but I also know. I know that it will hit him and I'm worried about him. People have told me that I no longer have to worry about him, and I know that, I know that, but my heart. I still care about him.

That's the hard part. This was a healthy relationship. No one here did anything terribly wrong. He didn't hurt me or treat me badly. It was the healthiest relationship I've had in my life in terms of stability, reliability, communication, support and trust. But I learned that sometimes healthy relationships can't work if you're not satisfied.

I have nothing to say badly about GB. He is a kind, mature, present person. We had wonderful times. I'm just someone who kind of knew what I wanted in a relationship, and did that "what do I want and need in a relationship" exercise again recently—and I am in a moment where I had to stand up for that. I couldn't go longer because then that'd be misleading, further into an aimless future I don't want and potentially more agony and hurt.

It was comfortable. We were good. It was easy. It was stress-free. But we were coasting.

It really comes down to this: the communication was lacking, with much indecisiveness and sometimes confusion or frustration on both ends; the connection was not strong enough, we never got to say "I love you" comfortably and frequently as I'd like in a relationship; the sex could be better but nothing against him; and a future was unclear because it was not discussed casually or seriously. I deserve to know what a future could look like.

Again, it was difficult for me to make a decision about whether to move forward with him because I know this one fact can be true: Relationships and their challenges can be moved past, issues compromised, difficulties communicated. There have to be chances and opportunities to address these issues. I did give those chances and opportunities on communication, indecisiveness, connection, sex, and discussing the future, and I wasn't reassured. So, the relationship just didn't work for me any longer.

And I'll be really honest. It took me a long time to make this decision and I wanted to be confident in it. It was difficult because it wasn't a clear-cut one. There were many conversations with friends, family, and my therapist. There were many romance movies including quotes that enlightened me. There were many showers thinking things through. Thank god for my therapist.

I know I've said this a thousand times, but it was a healthy relationship and I had to eventually realize that I wasn't satisfied and it's okay to end relationships because of that reason. I deserve something where I'm my fullest and best self with someone incredible, and our lives feel bigger because of our relationship, and so does he. I want that for GB too.

These are the facts: I know that I didn't do anything wrong and I tried to see if the relationship could work. And then I honestly communicated how I felt and set my boundaries in breaking up. I know that he did nothing wrong, and I really truly appreciate him. I know that the relationship, and our time together, was good and life will move on.

I said I'd be open to being friends if he is too. We could be great friends. But I don't know if he wants to. I know that he needs space though, and I should give it to him.

Currently, I am in my second day of mourning the end of our relationship, while concerned over how he's doing. I haven't been able to eat regularly and it was difficult to focus at work. My mind puts myself in his shoes and my heart sinks in pain. I haven't heard from him yet and I'm worried about him. I hope he's okay.

I want to send a text asking if he's alright.

Sometime soon.

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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Wow, wow, it's been a while. So much has happened.

I've been meaning to return here as of late but it's that feeling... it needs to be enough of a pull, it needs to be the right timing, it needs to be a specific kind of energy to write. There's so much to write about though.

Maybe soon enough.

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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I'm a little late to writing about the past weekend... I could've passed on, but I still want to. I enjoy writing about my summer days and my times with GB.

On Friday night, I was in the mood to have a little fun and get out in town. I texted James to tell him I wanted something dance-y but not overwhelming. We settled on the West Village.

I responded to a text by GB while running out the door. His replies felt like GB was surprised by my quick sharing of plans since I usually stay in on Fridays after work anyway, and so he left me be. It also felt like he may have wanted to be with me as we always express how we miss each other throughout the week. I'm not going to overthink this but a few things come up to mind, like how he too can make plans with me if he wants, and I have my own life and he has his own life. And that's that. It's all good.

I said to GB that he was always welcome to join, and I invited him since it was a low-key night with James and I. He passed and told me to tell James hi.

Then James and I went to dance the night away on a rainy night in the city. It was really great, honestly, with good chats, slow drinks, and familiar music. And it wasn't overwhelming.

It was a perfect Friday night, thanks to James.

It was also a great Saturday, thanks to James.

We met up at an old spot we used to go to for brunch all the time in the West Village (again!) and had a meal together, just something simple and easy. Afterwards, we walked about the neighborhood aimlessly and ended up getting an espresso martini somewhere.

GB got up from a nap and responded to my idea of going to the date night series at the Met—except I was on a train home to change, pick up some things, and return to the city to meet him.

Alternatively, he wanted me to meet him to maybe travel to the museum together. So, I turned around and went to his apartment.

We kissed, settled onto his couch, and saw weather forecasts suggesting downpours for the next hour. We weren't sure if we should still go to the Met—it was again a case of some indecisiveness (and maybe distrust of weather predictions). I made the decision to go and risk it.

By the time I got to the Met, my phone battery was down to 50% because I managed the public transit directions for us and continuing to text Jake after I said I was still here for him, even if I was out with GB. And I was serious about that.

We enjoyed strolling through the museum—and even caught a dance performance. It was really lovely. His knee was bothering him, and I checked to make sure he was alright while watching the performance and whispered "I just want you to be comfortable." He grabbed my wrist and gripped it while looking at me with a face of quiet appreciation.

We had a bit of a walk to the place we chose for dinner. I mentioned how a married couple at a gay bar in a nearby neighborhood was wondering where I've been. "I've been spending all my time with you!" I shared how they would love to meet GB sometime, and he said he was down. I also thought he'd enjoy the bar since they do sing-a-longs with music he may know with the Broadway crowd there. He said, "what, I'm your show queen?" I joked later the next day that I'd introduce him to my friends as "my show queen." Then he jokingly flashed some jazz hands.

We enjoyed dinner as per usual. I learned more about his past and travels over drinks and tacos. It was great.

Afterwards, he said to me that we could go to my place. I was a little surprised by that, I don't usually think of my place as the destination. I was surprised at how comfortable he was in inviting himself over. I mean, I guess that's what happens in a relationship. And I'm not used to it and I'm not mad about it. He's always welcome.

Off we went home.

We cuddled, fucked, and watched TV. It was wonderful.

I woke up and then we cuddled, fucked, and made coffee. I grabbed us yogurts to eat in bed while watching more of our TV show. "We should have little foldout tables to eat breakfast here."

It was a quiet Sunday. We went out for lunch at a Brooklyn diner nearby. The energy was different. I think he didn't want to say goodbye, and we didn't have concrete plans for the day so it was perhaps ambiguous when a goodbye would be. I didn't want to say goodbye either, but I wasn't stressing out over how things would go.

He was going into Manhattan, I was too. I was walking him to the subway, he was getting on the train. I was too. He said to me, frowning, "I don't want to say goodbye." I replied, "then you don't have to."

This kind of energy continued for the next hour. I suggested that I wanted to see a tennis game, and I think he very quietly suggested that we could watch it at his place. Then, when we got into Manhattan, he asked me what I was doing and he kinda came along.

All we wanted to do was be together, but I think we didn't know if it was okay to be together, if it we could say we wanted to be together. I guess it was that feeling of... you know while you also don't know. But, of course, it was absolutely okay to be together. Look, I would love for him to say he wants to still spend time with me, however, the unspoken also led us to stick by one another for the rest of the day.

We went to a small bar and chatted it up with the bartender, who knew GB and gave us plenty of samples along with our drinks that we ordered. And then a new bartender took over as his shift ended, and spilled a beer all over me.

We moved seats to continue conversation and obsess over things we were curious over. It was a great low-key Sunday afternoon.

So, there's something that came up: I have a ticket to a major concert coming up, and GB long ago expressed interest in joining me. However, I'm aware that GB is still unemployed with an ongoing job hunt and I wanted to check in on the status of that. I told him, it's okay to say you aren't coming because of money, and I'd respect that.

His response was that, the cost of a ticket is expensive but he still wanted to go. Upon reflection, I think I get how he's saying the concert is a want and not a commitment, maybe. But he told me that it'd be a great experience and he didn't want me to go alone.

Okay, my heart melted a little. I said that it's okay. I made the choice on my own to do the concert solo, and we could celebrate when I get back into the city afterwards, whatever works.

It's also odd how this is panning out. GB told me he didn't want him not having a job to impact us, and I said it wouldn't (and it hasn't). But I also told my therapist that I didn't want money to be a thing in all of my experiences dating. I only say that because when there's an age gap, money can be a thing. So I guess I can overcompensate and make sure that I emphasize I'm good financially. With this relationship, I'm changing that up. We split everything—which I love and respect actually. I'm being mindful in my conversations. I also say it's okay to not go out all the time. And it's going well.

But it was sweet. That was really sweet of him to say he doesn't want me to go alone. But I'll be okay. He's dating an independent badass.

I walked GB home because I had left something at his place the night before. Entering felt eerily comfortable, like it felt right to be there, more so than prior times. It also felt like he wanted me to come in, so I did take my shoes off and sit on the couch with him.

We just laid together, with his head on my belly, and chatted even more. There's never enough conversation and silence together.

He talked about how hard it is to find a job, and how he's struggling. He said he didn't want to leave me with the week ahead of us. I suggested some ideas of when we could meet so we didn't have to wait until the next weekend, and he said, "okay, we can try."

You could tell it was weighing on him. I also share the same thought, although it's kind of hard for me to make it happen now that it's Wednesday already. Should I suggest meeting tomorrow? Or Friday? Anyway, I know we'll get there and we'll figure it out some week. And then it'll be natural to have it occur regularly.

The day passed so quickly that it was time for us to eventually figure out dinner. We couldn't decide (again) what to do until he suggested a local place he wanted to bring me to sometime. And it was beautiful—a spot with plants everywhere for decor and fresh food served, and the employees knew him well. The word "spritz" was stuck in his head and he ordered one, which was cute, and I did the same. We shared everything, a nice salad and pizza, making for a simple meal.

I was very happy.

We walked out, hands interlocked. He usually makes the move, but I did it this time. My heart pumped. Our conversation continued while we walked down the cracked cobblestone sidewalk, maneuvering by passersby, in the quiet neighborhood at dusk.

We decided to go stop at the spot where we first met and visit the bartender he knew there since he hadn't seen him in a while. It was another round of drinks and more conversation.

We left and it was finally time. He didn't want to leave me. I could see it in his body, his demeanor, and his energy. It was time, though.

He kissed me just outside his apartment building stoop. Then, he turned away to go up a step or two. I grabbed him and kissed him again. That felt right. We waved goodbye and I watched him go inside home.

Later, he texted me that he missed me already. I agreed that I also felt the same way. He texted again to emphasize, "I really really miss you."

I responded, "it's so easy spending time with you." "It is."

It really is.

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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So, it happened.

GB and I had the relationship conversation. And it went well :)

Leading up to the moment, we had a wonderful weekend. I returned to the city still on vacation and wanted to do happy hour on Friday since I never get to with my work schedule. Friends and I went out to a few places to take advantage, and GB came to meet me later.

We grabbed a drink at a Hell's Kitchen bar, where we were so happy to see each other after almost two weeks apart. He looked so handsome on the humid evening, with trimmed facial hair, a dark olive green shirt, smart dress shorts and simple sneakers. He was worried he pulled me away from my friends and—while I told him he was also invited—I remember just grabbing his elbows and forearms across the table to say, "It's so good to see you. I just want to be with you."

We went to dinner at a favorite Mediterranean restaurant of mine in the neighborhood, where we split two large delicious appetizers. When we left, GB said he wasn't ready for the night to end just yet. I said we could try this one small but cute spot and it was a great choice. We enjoyed cozying up side-by-side with the entire bar crowd in view and music easy to follow. Our time there ended with me laughing at how cheesy it was to share a single froze drink with two straws. He had me take the decorative disco stick in the drink home too.

We actually went back to the first bar we met at earlier in the evening, just to check it out, and we danced together in the back for a bit. It was just so fun to dance with him out at midnight on a Friday night. I think he liked it as well.

I don't remember how the chat went about, but he said I can come over when we were trying to figure out wrapping up the evening. What's great is I remember not fighting it or worrying about it, I was going to go. He asked if we should do a cab or the subway, I offered to cover the taxi and we hailed one down. He held my hand as we rode home.

We enjoyed getting into his space with the air conditioning trying to kick the intense humidity.

Before going into bed, he tried to figure out if his Android phone chargers worked with mine, and they didn't. I slipped a side remark, "well, if we ever get there, down the road, I could have a phone charger here." He smiled in what I viewed at the time as agreement of that possibility.

We got up very late again on Saturday morning, which was funny. Both of our eyes glanced at the clock as it ticked eleven o'clock, then noon, and one o'clock. "Oops, we did it again," I said in reference to last time I was over. And he replied, "oops."

But we actually went to shower and dress in order to get bagels and coffee just ten minutes before his favorite local spot closed. On the way there, he bumped into a neighbor he knew and he introduced me, which I think is kinda sweet. And then over eating, GB chimed in that he could come over to my place later for some rooftop time, and I said it was a good idea.

I walked him home, and we kissed on his apartment building stoop steps. "I want to spend more time with you," I said when I reiterated his suggestion earlier. "I do too," he replied. And I stumbled away, slightly hungover, so we both could do our own errands and nap.

GB texted later, "hey, what are you doing?" and asked if I still wanted to hang out given the threat of rain. I insisted that we still meet and he said, okay. I checked on the status of dinner, to which he said that he "would love to have dinner together if you can wait." So I did.

We kept cool in my apartment before we devoured salads and imbibed chilled wine on the rooftop. The weather worked out: Rain didn't come and it got breezy up there.

It was actually a good night. We got to catch up even more, but with less of background noise as opposed to the night before. He poured me wine, and shared about a book he's reading. And we also appreciated little moments of silence: I finished up my salad as he walked around to take in the views. We sat together and spot a star in the darkening sky.

I did ask him if he was doing alright, and mentioned how texting and communication felt a little different the last two weeks. And he answered that he was okay, and then referred to my being away in regards to our chatting. It makes sense, and I'm going to believe that was the case, while I wish maybe he understands that I'm always here and connected and available. But then he did open up after I checked in, and shared his frustration over a few new things that came up recently. I said to please let me know how I can best support him, which was also something I have been wanting to say.

We went back into my room and cuddled up together for a movie, 'The French Dispatch'. It was a special time because I actually fell asleep while watching it and I think it was a sign that I'm that much more comfortable dozing off with him.

Not quite wanting to end the night with that film, he and I watched episodes of the 'Sex and the City' reboot, 'And Just Like That'. We shared our amusement over how cringey it is.

And then we fell asleep together in my bed with no sex, unlike the night before. That was nice, to be honest. I wonder sometimes if we can do things without sex—a ridiculous thought I have, and one that can be easily debunked—but sometimes my dick can't jive with that.

I also remember waking up Sunday morning and seeing his body there in my bed, having some thoughts on appreciating him and the overall weekend but also that small moment.

He woke up and readjusted so we could snuggle better. I'll physically spoon him, or he'll put his arm around me so I can rest my head on his chest. It's the sweetest when he does that.

Then, he turned over so we were facing each other. Our faces were so close, I put my hand on his face and rubbed his cheek for a few minutes of pure silence. And I said to him, "you're so beautiful." He gently replied, "thank you."

Eventually, I got up to put pants on so I could make us coffee to have over more of the show. It was kinda nice, TV in bed in the morning. He wanted to watch another episode but I wanted to get going. "I feel bad turning you down," I said, to which he chuckled.

Off we went to get bagels again. We settled to eat them off a sidewalk ledge right under the Manhattan Bridge in Dumbo. There was a cobblestone street and a line of fencing decorated with graffiti in front of us. It was quiet except for the subway cars that roared across the bridge every couple minutes.

'And Just Like That' came up in conversation. And I remembered a recent episode had a scene where they talked about the "Relationship Place".

With that reference, I asked him, are we in that "Relationship Place"?

"I would say we're seeing each other," he said.

A few seconds later, he added, "I think we are. I think we are in one."

Then, he asked me what I thought.

"I think we are in a relationship too."

GB expanded his thoughts just a bit, saying he likes me a lot and enjoys spending time with me: "You're a good guy. You're very sweet."

And I quietly thanked him.

I had one more question. I wasn't even nervous, it flowed out of me.

"I mean, I would like to call you my boyfriend or my partner."

His eyebrows perked up when I said that.

"How would you feel about that?"

He said, "I would feel good about it."

And just like that, I know where we are and we know what we are.

After that conversation, we cleaned up our bagel brunch, got up, and he turned around to kiss me. I thanked him again. We walked, took the subway into Manhattan, and did a few errands together. He kissed me before I went to text Jake the good news and meet friends elsewhere.

Look, upon reflection, I'm happy I had the conversation. I'm happy about the outcome. I'm happy about us. I'm also doing better anxiety-wise because I've avoided overthinking and stopped toxic thoughts when they came in.

And the good things have continued. We texted later Sunday night saying that we missed each other, and wishing we were together.

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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I can't wait to see GB.

It's been a while, almost two weeks since that post-Pride Monday. We wanted to meet again before I left town but it didn't work out. We wanted to try a WhatsApp video call while I was away but it didn't work out. Life is life.

I've said I miss him, and he has said he's missed me.

I'll be honest: I want to spend the weekend together. I want to see him. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. I want to hear how he's doing. I want to ask about him. I want to share things with him. I want to cuddle. I want to fuck him. I want to sleep with him. I want to be together.

He has said he's excited to see me, and I've said the same.

I'll be honest: I have thoughts and questions ruminating. I want to make sure he's alright. I want to discuss communication changes and styles. I want to reiterate things I've said before about him. I want to suggest ideas for us. I want to discuss plans. I want to ask how I can show up for him. I want to feel him out on horny texts.

I like him. I care about him. I appreciate him.

I want to check in and gauge what, where we are. Is this a relationship? I want to call you my boyfriend or partner, how does that make you feel? Can we discuss what you want in a relationship down the road?

And the thing is, I'm comfortable in having these conversations. I'm okay to ask these questions. I'm not afraid: I'm an emotional person who overthinks, I'm confident in what I like and need, and I'm horny.

GB is a good one. He's a special one, and it's about time to check on what we are—and ask whatever else I want.

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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Overdue, but let's get into what went down on Pride. This is going to be a lengthy one:

So, I knew I wanted to go to New York Pride and there was a family event in Massachusetts the same weekend. I caught a very early train on Friday morning to make the entire weekend work out.

And then I attended the event on Saturday, which was a retirement party for the parents of my childhood friend of mine. Mom, dad and I went, and it was lovely. I got to see Sarah, meet her new child, celebrate her parents, tour her house, catch up with longtime connections, and have a great afternoon out there.

Sarah said she thought I wouldn't make it because she knew it was Pride weekend in the city, but I said I would make both work! It's not impossible when it's all regional travel and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event the party was for. So, I was showing up. That's the thing I like to try to practice in life—that I'll show up.

We left so I could catch a bus back to the city, which turned out to be a whole fiasco where I didn't get home until after midnight. Still, I made it back in time.

I mean, I could've made it simple: not showed up in MA or skipped Pride. Both were important. And it felt Pride was vital this year—and Pride is truly one of the best days in the city. People are joyous, you can roam the streets, and the energy is top tier.

I slept in before finally rushing to get out the door. I met James for a bagel and coffee, and Ross joined in shortly after. We linked up with a friend named Andrian, and he said we should go to a rooftop. After dealing with police barricades, even briefly walking by the staging areas of the parade, we finally got up to meet Andrian's group of friends.

We chatted over an alcoholic drink under the beaming sun on the roof, with the Empire State Building in view—an excellent way to start festivities.

Once we all dispersed—Andrian and his friends to go march in the parade—us three went down to the street to watch from the start of the parade in Flatiron.

This is where I got the first nutcracker for James and I.

So, we’re clear, nutcrackers are alcoholic mixed drinks made with fruit juice and most often sold cheap by street vendors with coolers. I had a strong one last year, and it’s almost like an insider New York street thing. You do it or you don’t.

We left and walked downtown to view the march from a more exciting area towards 14th. LH had texted me here asking for my live location. I wasn't sure what to do at first, but James and Ross said he should come by.

For context: It's been a while. LH does not know about GB and GB was out of town for the day attending a family event. GB said he'd meet up later.

After a bit, I decided to send my live location to LH, and us three walked elsewhere.

This is where we got a second nutcracker; with Ross joining this time.

We ended up in the West Village where it was quite a bit more lively. After all, it's where the parade turns onto Christopher Street and runs by Stonewall and then uptown again. It's so fun.

Along the metal barricade, I saw someone with really nice sneakers and I complimented them. He introduced himself to us as Jason visiting from Belize. Ross went on to chat it up with him, and I turned to James to give them space.

Andrian somehow found us after he finished up marching in the parade. We all reconnected and he said we should go to Washington Square Park; Ross and I invited Jason too. It was so great—this guy visiting from abroad and he ended up hanging with us past ten in the evening.

This is where we got our third nutcracker.

Ross was fully down by this time, where he and I used all of our cash to buy five of them from this guy speaking to us with a cigarette in his mouth and selling the mixed drinks in a roller garbage can. It was hilarious. and so New York.

The park was chaos. It was a sea of people on the pavement, around the arch and the fountain, on the grass lawn areas. There's music playing and people smoking and drinking. GB texted that he was back in the city and I told him I was there.

LH said he was in the park. After navigating the challenge in even finding him, he hugged me tight. I said, let's join the group—since he knows Ross and James too, and he met the others. We sat down on the lawn in a circle, nutcrackers and all.

Alright, well. I hadn't seen LH since March when we met for that brunch? He still has those work struggles, and he had just come back from travels in Asia. And he told us about another injury. Just catching up. Normal.

The vibes were different.

I'll tell you, the energy between us was slightly off and it was all coming from my end. This was shown in a few ways: When his cross-legged knees touched mine, I moved away; I posed a little differently when we were in photos; and I was sassy with him.

Once, he said he was running from his problems, and I responded, "that's what you always do, get injured and run away from your problems." He was shocked he heard this blunt honesty from me.

The vibes then shattered.

James and Andrian and another friend who joined us at the park ventured for a bathroom, so us four were behind chatting.

I remember looking at LH as he was talking to me—and that's in the direction of the center of the park where the iconic water fountain is. And everyone behind him started running towards us.

"Uh, guys, there's something happening," I said, waving my hands to LH, Ross, and Jason.

They all looked, saw what I was seeing, and we bolted. None of us knew what was going on, but we had to run. We'd be trampled in a stampede or get hit by something like, god forbid, a mass shooting. We didn't know. Jason and Ross vanished, and I was screaming for Ross' name. I was so worried about him—my lifelong best friend—and I was so distraught I separated from him without knowing of his safety.

I found out he and Jason were safe out of the park. LH and I, being the way we were, we didn't leave the park when we ran. Things had calmed. (We later found out it was most likely firecrackers shot off, and I remember seeing and smelling smoke when turning back.)

The vibes had shifted.

Things didn't end with LH. So, he was understandably a little shaken up and he wanted to leave the park. I said I'd walk him back to where he chained up his bike.

While that was happening, GB texted me that he was going to join me at Washington Square. I stopped everything to say, no, don't come. And that I'd update him when things had calmed.

LH noticed, and he checked on me. I said, "well, it's someone I'm seeing." He lit up. "Oh, that's why you were so awkward with me today." Granted, he was right. "And that's why you haven't texted me." I said, no, you don't text me either!

He asked me about GB and how it was going. I said I've been seeing him for two months now and I'm happy... we spend every weekend together and chat every night... he's a good person. "I'm really happy for you," LH said.

The vibes really shifted.

We maneuvered past lines of NYPD to get out of the park with LH's bike. We turned to walk down this lengthy and empty street, where we ended up having this lengthy and heavy conversation.

I said to LH, "I didn't mean to be awkward with you at all."

He responded, "well, you're not going to escape my hugs."

"I don't want to escape them," I said. "I know you're an affectionate person and I'm growing to be one myself too."

I said I was managing an active mind with thoughts on both dating GB and seeing LH give my past with him.

"I'm just figuring out what I am with this person [GB] and I once had feelings for you, and I was just in that space."

LH said about GB, "he's lucky."

"Damn lucky."

I softly said, "thank you."

And I thanked him for talking this out. LH looked at me funny.

Then, the conversation somehow got him into making references to our conversation back in the autumn, when he told me he couldn't be more than friends after we spent four months together.

"I needed this conversation, just like the one we had in the fall last year." I need to talk things out, I need clarity.

"I was giving you the bare minimum," he said to me.

In talking about how I said I had feelings for him, he said: "It wouldn't have been fair."

I said to him, "I know that now. I didn't know it then."

He went on about why he wasn't at his best and how he couldn't have given me when I may have deserved then.

I interjected: "Back in October, I would've given you more."

"I know you would've. And it wouldn't have been fair," he said.

I silently shook my head in agreement.

He continued, "I wasn't clear."

I interrupted again, "no, you weren't."

"It wouldn't have been fair to have kept going the way we did," he said.

"And that's why I'm so thankful you gave me the clarity when you did in October, November."

He told me: "I said what I said because I wanted to make it clear I still want you in my life, I just couldn't give you..."

"I truly had a great summer last year. I really did," I said.

"And I'm happy we had the conversation when we did, thank you for that, and I know where we are."

"We're friends and I appreciate that, I respect that, I value it."

"Yes," he said.

We hit the avenue, where cops told us to keep moving. He was going uptown and I was going west. So, we hugged and went our ways.

After saying goodbye, I walked away from that conversation with my mind blown. I didn't think I'd ever hear him say those things. I didn't think he'd ever admit his role between us and actions that affected me.

I couldn't believe it, and I could believe it.

With therapy and time, I realized these issues. From a healthy relationship so far with GB, I gained clarity. And now, LH said it himself and to my face. Like Ross and James said later, it was very mature and it was, in a way, further closure.

Anyway, the day was not over and I was in the midst of chaos on Christopher Street.

I finished three nutcrackers, ran for my life, completed a deep conversation with a special person, and was trying to connect with my new special one. What an exhausting day so far.

I found my group of friends, hugged James and Ross tightly, and took a big breath. It felt good after all that went down.

I told them: "I just want to be with you two, take a breath (or get a drink), and give GB a hug."

We wanted to go to another bar on Chrisopher but the NYPD was being annoying. And we were in the middle of a crowded street corner of twerking dancers, people drinking, and others making their way through.

I said to the group that we had our fun in the Village and let's try for more in Chelsea. Somehow, we were able to walk right into Le Bain at The Standard. It was so crowded but very fun.

I invited GB but he said Le Bain was too intense for him. I understood, so I said I'd be up his way soon. We all didn't want to stay long. We got a round of drinks and danced with the lit city buildings in view.

James said to me, "sometimes it doesn't hit me that I live here, that we live here." And we both stood next to each other, holding glasses of champagne, looking into the Manhattan abyss in gratitude.

The sun was setting, and dusk had arrived.

I think we were also happy about how wonderful of a day we had. We were together, blissful, authentic, safe, and well. We were sharing love. I love James. I love Ross. I love the people I know. I love New York. I love Pride. I love love.

When we were finished, we were definitely finished and we wanted to leave as soon as possible. You know that feeling, when you're just done and have to leave? It was a humid, long day with lots of drinking, and that bar was too much at that point.

I texted GB that we were on the way. Unfortunately, the kitchen and kegs at the bar he was at were closing. We still went—I had to see him, and the crew came along.

I walked in and I kissed him right away. I remember seeing him with his beaming smile and going to hug him. It was a great comforting feeling.

Ross and James later told me that they saw GB light up when he saw me, as I came in after them. That was really a wonderful observation to hear from them.

We introduced Jason to GB, and we all chatted to catch him up on our day. And then we had to leave as the bar was wrapping up. Ross and Jason went their way. GB and I were walking James to his subway stop, when we talked him into joining us at dinner.

And, there we were, at a Canadian themed bar eating after being outside for more than eight hours. It was great being able to share a special one like GB with a best friend at dinner. It was great.

I was tired. I was full. I was happy.

James left us, and I was just enjoying myself with GB as we walked down the street from leaving the restaurant. We remarked about seeing the moon in the dark summer sky. Maybe there was a star too.

He turned to step onto his block and then walked up the steps to his building. I said, "I can leave and head home if you want..." He didn't listen or respond and just opened the door for me. I walked in.

We kissed, cuddled, and relaxed together. We didn't wake up to get out of bed until two in the afternoon the next day because I took off work, and we were both tired. I hugged him tight, and he held my hand as we laid under the sheets.

GB was a little down about the late start to his day, and I was too. As the hours ticked while we were in bed, and as he snored away, I kept feeling like I needed to get up and do something. I reframed my thinking at that point to instead value that unique and special time.

I said to him later, "this is my Pride." This is our Pride.

He smiled. He kissed me.

"Sleeping in late and being comfortable with someone like you, this is my Pride."

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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Even my therapist said I'm in a relationship. I guess so. He said that, for him, anything beyond three dates is a relationship. We're well beyond that.

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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People closest to me have increasingly said GB is my "boyfriend" and, while I love them and all, I'm not there yet. We're not there yet.

Look—wait a minute—I believe we are, but I always tell people that we haven't had the clear-cut conversation that we are in a "relationship." Are we in one? What do we want in a relationship? I want to tell GB I want to call him my boyfriend and hear how he feels about that. This chat about clarity and *us* will happen eventually, I know it.

Then, GB texted me last night and said that he didn't want his personal emotional struggles in getting a job to impact us in any way. He said he "tried hard to keep" it from "interfering our relationship."

Wow, well, okay.

The moment at the time was for being supportive and sharing I'm here for him. I only hope he feels comfortable to talk, vent, whatever. I even offered to get on the phone.

GB appreciated my messages while his responses felt a little sterile. I don't know. He may have wanted space. I also wonder if he wants to come across to me as solid emotionally, but I'm here for all forms of him through the ups and downs of life. However, I understand I can't force it.

Though, he said it. "Relationship."

We'll see. Soon enough.

I only want him to be well. That's more important than a "boyfriend" label or "relationship" definition.

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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After this went down, he texted me, "I wish you were here." I was at a restaurant bar eating dinner alone and just published that little rant of sorts.

I told him how I really felt. "I was a little sad we didn't meet tonight but I understand rest 🙏 And I guess I also hope you know we don't always need to drink/go out, etc..."

He said he got it. I believe he understood.

And then he suggested that we start a show together sometime. I melted inside a little because—while it may be barely over the bare minimum—it was an act of listening and moving on what he heard from me. I'm so lucky.

I'm just gonna briefly vent now. I'll feel better after. So, I'm a little sad I didn't get to meet GB tonight since we said we might (when we separated last night). But I understand that he's tired and wants to go to bed early. I understand.

My only thing is that I want to make sure he understands that we don't have to "go out" every time we meet up. We can not drink, cook, go for a walk, stay in, watch something, cuddle, read together, whatever. I think I'll take a breather given his feelings tonight and maybe try to make this clear someday. It's what I want out of a relationship.

I understand. We're only two months in. And we spend a lot of time together and we talk over text plenty. He messaged that he felt bad I had a panic attack earlier. And we express our interest and commitment often. He texted that he wished he joined my Rockaway trip today—I said I want to bring him someday, and he replied he wants to. I do have things I want to share with him, ask him about, and learn of him. It will come in due time.

With how it went down in the last few hours, I don't want to get my hopes up about maybe seeing GB tomorrow. He did say to me last night, I could do something with you on Monday. I'll take care of myself and see what happens. Things are well. It's just a night. Tomorrow is another day.

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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It's been good... Life is good. Life is weird. Life is complicated. Life is infuriating. Life is exhausting. Life is frustrating. Life is slow. Life is lovely. Life is wonderful. Life is great.

It's been a while. I came down with a cold with a sore throat that wouldn't go away. Climate changed-propelled wildfire smoke covered the city and I stayed in. The parents sold our childhood home and bought a new house elsewhere.

Work has been ridiculously busy. The new shift hours I have are crap. I've been challenging my boss more. I got my byline on some pieces covering historic moments the last few weeks, but I almost instantly wanted my name removed. I said to myself once, "I can't do this anymore."

I haven't seen Ross and James in a long while, because life. Jake and his dog are getting healthier and I love to see it. I've been spending time with the special one—I should name him on here as to not confuse with the other ones. Let's go with GB.

This spring has been a bit odd: I feel like I could do more with my earlier work shift hours. I still mask but don't mask everywhere as much as I used to. And Pride is clouded with such growing hate and cowering allies. Therapy is helpful but also... okay. I want to plan more things to do for the summer but time is moving fast.

Maybe I just need to get out more. Maybe I need to get out of New York. Maybe I need to go to Rockaway for that day trip of sand and food. Maybe I do need to work on processing and closing the chapter on the pandemic. Maybe I need to move along with job applications. Maybe I need to make plans with Jake. Maybe I need to dive deeper with the special one. Maybe I need to take time off. These are all things I want to do, can do, and will do.

Also, perhaps I can just let it be. The way my mind works, which is accustomed to overthinking and anxiety, has me wondering if everything is alright.

Should there be questions? There are answers: Yes, change is abundant. Yes, life can move both fast and slow. Yes, certain things can be better. But, I'm well. But, people in my life are swell. And all will be well.

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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Yes, we spent another weekend together.

With three days off work, it entailed: A Broadway show, beer, dinner out, kissing off the river at sunset. Hosting him over at my place, a documentary, and finally getting frisky. Brunch, the park, shopping, a movie, and dinner out again.

It was a validating, enjoyable, and special weekend this time around.

At one point, we were sitting in front of each other on my rooftop at dusk. We had just finished a dinner of Indian food and wine. And I looked at him, and off to the distance, then back at him, when I mentioned a question was on my mind: "what are you looking for?"

He replied that he is looking for a relationship and marriage.

The answer was confident, straightforward, and honest. I can't ask for better. Also, this wasn't about *us* but about him, and I approve.

He flipped the question over to me, and I said I'm looking for a relationship, and also eventually marriage if it's an option. I said that it's good we want the same thing because I don't want to waste my time if our aims were a mismatch (or, upon further reflection since, for me to get hurt).

Then he told me he was wondering, "I wanted to hear what you felt about us."

I said that I like this. I like what's happening. I like texting. I like my time with him. I said he makes me happy. And that the weeks feel long because I'm looking forward to the weekends to be with him—to which he said, we should make weekdays work somehow then.

And I turned the question over to him too. He mentioned things he liked about me, "you're a good guy. You're really kind. You're smart. You're curious." He went on further, and I thanked him. "I'm only being honest."

I'm so grateful.

This conversation was important to me. I like communication, transparency, and knowing. I think he does too. We're in such a good place.

We then laid in my bed and watched a documentary together. He asked if he could stay over, and I had no hesitation in letting him. We finally got to enjoy ourselves sexually a bit since my infection was resolved and we expressed interest in doing so. It was still difficult to sleep with him, but we know that will only get better over time.

I made him coffee when we woke up in the morning.

It makes me happy to do that for someone; like also having a toothbrush for him, a water glass for him, a shower for him, a hoodie for him.

Later in the day, I came across an issue with a captioning device for the movie we were seeing. This is not great for me to deal with, but he was great in how he handled the situation.

He lets me handle the accessibility work myself because, I mean, I know it and I live it. But when the device wasn't working properly, he said to me—as I was leaving to get it rectified with staff—to get a working device and to change the film time so I could catch the parts I missed. After attempts to fix the device failed, he said to get everything refunded. And he heard my frustration as we left the theater. When we visited a second movie theater, he stood by and added his own points when we spoke with staff on double-checking about captioning there. And finally, we watched the film successfully.

I notice the little things too. The way we'll say to other people, "we". How we'll glance at each other and grin. The inside jokes and references. The way he can let me ramble on, and the way we can sit in silence. How we've picked up mannerisms from one another already. The moments he grabs my hand to hold it, just because.

Yet, I shot myself in the foot once by saying some random assed remark that he could go home now if he wanted—with my mind thinking, he's stayed over and had brunch with me, and it's getting late with a movie. And that he shouldn't feel pressured to spend more time with me.

The way he looked at me after I said that, oof.

I cut myself off and said, "okay I'll stop saying such silly things." He agreed.

We sat still in Madison Square Park with our chairs next to each other—our hands interlocked, later our arms around our chairs—as we watched people and city dogs. And we went to do a shopping errand before the movie.

It's quite a solidifying feeling that we can carry conversations, sleep together, do errands, and also be together in silence.

With that, I need to believe in what he is saying, showing, and doing. And I need to understand he has his own free will and he is choosing to spend time with me.

In the moment on that day, I hadn't processed these thoughts yet—and so I was personally getting ready to say goodbye after the movie ended. Instead, he found us a place to have dinner and then walked me to the subway station.

I'm so grateful.

We hugged and kissed when we separated.

We looked back at each other and waved again.

After I got home, he texted: "I miss you."

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pdehp · 2 years ago

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What a weekend.

I dunno, I just think about that moment when we were in a bustling tailoring department in the middle of Macy's. He was being seen by a tailor about 12 feet away from me, wearing a suit he picked out and standing in front of a three-paneled mirror. I was there to help him shop for a new suit on a Sunday afternoon—standing by for support and guidance and an extra hand. Then, I remember him, well-dressed and sexy, amidst a crowd of people in between us, it was like a movie moment where I had a perfect view of him looking back at me and grinning.

That moment gives me a patter in my heart when I remember it.

I also think about when we were sitting in the movie theater—with shared popcorn and much amusement over the extremely cheesy Saturday movie we were watching—and I went to the bathroom, missing a few minutes. I shuttled back and he leaned over to quickly catch me up. And then I put my hand on his thigh, and he put his arm around me.

I remember going to a few restaurants and wine bars he used to frequent before the pandemic hit, and people would recognize him. And then he would introduce me. We also visited the local beer spot—the place I first met him with James and Ross—and he reminded the bartender about that evening two months ago. "You were there, when we first met here. You remember that?"

There was also the way we were sitting in a wine bar, in how he was able to observe the restaurant behind me. I made a joke, "you get to people watch, and I get to watch you." He reacted by offering to switch spots, and I replied, "no, I want to look at you." He smiled and locked hands with mine after I said that.

I also think about how we've opened up a little more: about past relationships, current frustrations, life difficulties, sex, and insecurities. I feel we're starting to dive a little, just a little, deeper and appreciate each other more so. It shows in support and understanding and respect. It also shows in our growing comfort in teasing each other and already building inside jokes.

Yes, that's the bare minimum, I'm aware. I can enjoy the little things and recognize the consistency. We have whole lives, personalities, and thoughts to explore. It's not always easy to do that and it takes time. It's about building a connection.

We also cuddled and enjoyed some private time at his apartment after he invited me over. I didn't stay overnight, and I could've as he would've let me. I'm still on the tail-end of treating my health issue and we were meeting the next day. But he did say, in reference to us not sleeping too well the first time we shared a bed together, "we gotta figure out the sleeping thing." I wish I asked, "so you want to sleep together more?" but I instead said that I don't want to rush anything and that "we will."

James asked if we have a photo together yet, and we don't. Like, I'm really enjoying this time. I'm really enjoying this feeling. It's not the whole *keeping things private* at all, I'm sharing everything with my family and closest friends. It's the *focusing on him and us* mindset. While I do have subjects I want to ask and clarify, I said to James that I've never been in anything where I have no concerns or worries. We both express (and reassure each other of) our interest. I want to be in the here and now.

I remember how we sat at a small dinner table—speaking about being in the here and now—and we were observing a busy West Village street after a beautiful dinner at another wine bar. We looked at each other and he intertwined his left hand's fingers into my right. And we just comfortably sat in silence.

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