peacewillwinletstattoohearts
my taste in music is your face
24. anxious. alive. in love.
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I thought we were done with this....
Guess i was wrong.
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Someone asked me the other day why I seem so melancholy when pregnancies are announced.
I couldn't admit it but it's because I've never gotten that chance. My three pregnancies all ended before we announced and we haven't wanted anything more than to have that moment. We have our announcement planned already... we just need the pregnancy to stick.
Now understand, I'm not jealous of the pregnancies, I am insanely happy that they get to have that. I don't really think jealous is the right word.
No, it isn't. I'm not jealous at anyone who is announcing. I'm just hurt. I cry myself to sleep late at night for the opportunities we have missed and for the pain that tugs in my heart daily, the lightning strikes of pain that stiffen my spine and make my bones ache when I see my friends babies.
Seeing my beautiful nieces face brings me joy, love and... heartbreak.
When?
When is it my turn? When will I be able to announce my pregnancy instead of announcing that once again I am grieving over the life lost too soon, that I only carried for a short time, that didn't have time to grow, that never got a chance?
When will I feel comfortable enough telling the people who keep telling me my time will come soon that it has come, three times but left just as quickly? When will I be strong and able to shut up those relatives that joke and say when are you having children by telling them how deep their words are cutting me?
People don't understand the devastation a miscarriage can cause unless they have experienced it themselves. Worse yet, they don't understand the devastation of trying so hard, getting the positive after months and then losing it within weeks.
So for now, I will keep it inside. I won't show the pain that bleeds in my heart. I will smile strongly even though i feel weak and congratulate those who have announced and try my hardest to be happy for them. I will try to hide my melanchily. It can'tbe as hard as it seems...Right?
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That’s the problem with putting others first; you’ve taught them you come second.
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Janelle Monáe as Lady Annie Bellum the “headless doll faced” bride for Halloween 2019
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“A Little Monkey Hugging Its Best Friend”
(Source)
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