peachienne

[peachienne]

reflection: my gender and sexuality

Although I’m aware of some aspects of myself, gender is still very confusing for me. I’m still at that stage wherein I’m unsure if I identify with any gender at all, or if I’m just afraid of the stereotypes that come with these labels. However, I know my expression is neutral on most days, though leaning more on the feminine side since I like to wear makeup. Gender expression is something iffy for me since I don’t believe in labelling objects as feminine or masculine.

I am much more sure about my sexuality. I’m generally attracted more to women both romantically and sexually, though I’m attracted to men who don’t exude toxic masculinity. A great example would be Felix Lee, a member of Stray Kids. 

There’s still a lot we don’t understand about gender and sexuality, though I believe that regardless of what you identify as or who you like, everyone deserves respect.

[peachienne]

binhi reflections

For Binhi, I joined the group for the Campus Ministry of the Deaf. 

Getting to meet a deaf person wasn’t really new to me because my old school had the Southeast Asian Institute of the Deaf. When I was younger (around Kinder), I used to have three busmates who studied in SAID. I got to interact with them a few times so I knew the basics on how to act around them. Actually learning sign language from a deaf person was a fun experience and it taught me how to be more focused because I had to pay attention to his gestures. 

I think after the session, I had newfound appreciation for people who serve people with disabilities. I realized that it must be difficult for deaf people to ask for assistance or to find certain people (like doctors) because not every professional knows how to do sign language. 

This session opened up a new career opportunity for me as a psychologist for deaf people. I might learn more sign language on my free time.

[peachienne]

activity 5: my online identity

My online identity on my stan twitter is a more exaggerated version of my offline self. I find it easier to express myself online because I’m less likely to encounter these people in real life, and because most (if not all) of my mutuals are people just like me, so I find it really comfortable to say whatever I feel.

Online, I handle a fan account for the K-pop boy group Stray Kids, so I really do talk about them all the time. I also livetweet sometimes whatever happens in school or whatever I feel. I’m open about things to an extent, leaving out personal information such as what school I go to and the names of my friends or schoolmates if I ever mention a story about them.

I also like showing my art every now and then, and I’m very open about my social or political opinions whenever I feel like ranting about it on my fan account.

Contrary to my online self, my offline self is very reserved. I don’t like expressing my opinions or feelings because I find it difficult to be open and honest to people I’m face-to-face with. I also refrain from sharing too much about myself because I don’t want anyone to use my words against me in the future. Although I want people to get to know me, I’m too afraid of the possible consequences to open up, so instead I open up to people who do not know me personally.

[peachienne]

reflection 2: dramaturgical framework

This topic interested me the most as someone interested in theatre, and as someone who’s a part of ENTABLADO, one of the theatre orgs of Ateneo. 

I was already familiar with the idea that people have fronts and show specific facets of themselves depending on who they’re interacting with, however this gave me more insight on the idea. 

I play different roles depending on who I’m talking to. When I’m around my parents and other family members, I’m reserved and I refrain from stating any of my opinions to not come off as disrespectful, even if that was not my intention. When I’m around my friends, however, I’m a lot more carefree and energetic, and I’m not afraid to discuss sociopolitical issues with them because it’s normal for us. Around professors, I act based on how they want their students to act. If they want their students to follow whatever they say, I would do that. If the professor wants us to question what is taught to us, then I do the same. I think that’s why when I grew older and gradually started voicing out my opinions to my parents (specifically my mother), they would be surprised and would tell me that my friends changed me, even though that was not the case.

I also know that playing these roles doesn’t necessarily mean I’m being “fake” in front of people. Certain roles need to be played in order to be socially accepted. For example, it would be unacceptable to talk to the president of the Philippines in a casual manner. The roles I play are real facets of my personality, it’s just that I hold back some aspects of myself in front of certain types of people. 

[peachienne]

reflection 1: defense mechanisms

After retackling Freud and Erikson and learning about the different kinds of defense mechanisms, I realized that I use regression the most frequently.

Whenever I have a particularly stressful schedule, I tend to act a little more childlike when I am with my friends because it is a way for me to cope with everything. I like pulling my friends to do fun (and sometimes dumb) stuff with me just to feel like I could still enjoy simpler things in life despite everything else that’s going on around me. 

Admittedly, I also tend to throw temper tantrums. It may not be the explosive kind, but when I get stressed and my parents add to it by asking about how I’m doing academically or telling me to pull up my grades, I get irritated and snap at them or ignore them completely, much like a child. 

[peachienne]

activity 4: taking a vacation (4)

day 4: kind act

No girl wants a tagos, and sometimes your period could be really spontaneous! I decided to help someone today who might’ve had no napkin or wallet to buy from the vendo.

I’ve done a project like this before in my old school and I felt super happy with how much I helped my schoolmates, especially since we didn’t have napkin vendos in our bathrooms. When I passed by the same bathroom before I went home, I noticed that the whole pack was gone! I felt super relieved that someone found a use for it! :>

[peachienne]

activity 4: taking a vacation (3)

day 3: sleeping uwu

I’ve been sleeping really late recently, so I gave myself a break and took a nap before I studied for my long tests! Although I’m not really a fan of sleeping, I knew my body needed it!

I felt so much more refreshed and ready to grind after I woke up~

[peachienne]

activity 4: taking a vacation (2)

day 2: eating out with a friend

Since we had time before our BINHI Post-processing, Kat and I decided to eat in jsec! We don’t usually eat here, so it was an interesting experience.

Although I’m introverted, I love getting to chat with my friends over some food. It helps me keep my mind off my worries because I stay focused on my friends’ stories. After this, I felt more refreshed and ready to review for my long tests!!!

[peachienne]

activity 4: taking a vacation

day 1: art therapy

Since it’s been awhile, I decided to pick up a brush and paint again. Painting calms me down, especially when I’m feeling especially down or stressed. (No to burning out!!!)

After finishing this painting, I felt a lot less on edge. My anxiety usually bubbles up when I have a lot to stress over, so I’m glad my mind got to slow down!

[peachienne]

activity 3: my emotions

Two of my most prevalent emotions would definitely be fear and sadness, fear being my constant one.

I grew up always having to doubt my decisions because of how I was raised and how my mistakes were treated. Growing up grade conscious also made me really anxious about taking tests and having oral presentations. My heart would beat really fast and my throat would close up.

Since my mistakes were always used against me either by getting mad at me or by laughing at me, I grew up afraid of making mistakes. However, throughout the semester I've been kinder to myself by laughing off my mistakes and accepting them as a part of growing. ♡

[peachienne]

activity 2: a portrait in contrast

For me, one of my biggest shortcomings is my fear of disappointing my parents. As a result, I would overwork myself to stay as a consistent academic awardee, avoid a lot of hangouts with my friends, and keep myself from talking back to my parents, even if I know they’re being wrong or unreasonable. I missed out on a lot of what could have been important moments in my life to stay on my parents’ good side. In a sense, I also developed a strong dependency on my mom, so I constantly feel like I’m pulling others down with me. For the longest time I just feel like a piece of clay that my parents molded. All I ever do is for them, even if it makes me unhappy. Here’s a letter I wrote to myself in hopes of growing into a happier person.

[peachienne]

activity 1: hybridization

Out of all the features on this collage, here are the local aspects:

- Lea Salonga, the woman who inspired my love for singing and music, two things most important to me. - Eraserheads, one of my all time favourite Pinoy rock bands. Rock is something I grew up with and gave me an outlet for my emotions. - The San Beda pendant, something that keeps me safe and reminds me of my Christian identity. - Face – the nose, cheeks, and lips are from my close friend and mother, two people that helped me grow in two different stages of my life. - Street food that I grew up eating despite my mother’s complains.

Out of all the features on this collage, here are the global aspects:

- Brendon Urie’s forehead and All Time Low (in the wig), great influencers of my love for rock music and deep lyricism. - The clown wig is a reference to the Boo Boo the Fool meme, as memes are a vital part of my identity and how I express myself. - The body belongs to Red from Pokemon, as Pokemon became one of my most defining memories growing up. I connected to people through this show, and it taught me so much about determination and strength. - The eyes, one of Felix from Korean boy group Stray Kids and the other of Conan from anime, Detective Conan. These two aspects of my life helped me see Asian cultures and the rest of the world in a new light. A lot of my visual/aesthetic standards are influenced by K-Pop and Anime/Japanese culture. - The street food function as earrings, inspired by the fancy earrings K-Pop idols wear. My recent fashion tastes have been influenced by Korean fashion.