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do you have any advice for like bonding/get to know one another activities for headmates?

Hi! We started writing a response for you, but it kept getting longer and longer and longer… so we turned it into a post of its own which you can find here:

There are limitless ways a system could bond, so we just went with some things our own collective likes to do. Having a headspace, some level of pre-established communication, and the ability to cofront or be coconscious with your headmates could all create opportunities for more bonding activities. So sorry our post got super long, but we hope it’ll be helpful for y’all!

[peachiepawsnetwork]

"This policing of illnesses online often verges on bullying, and can have serious ramifications for both posers and people with real-life conditions. It creates a 'boy who cried wolf' culture around health on social media, which subjects actual sufferers to skepticism and condemnation. . . . Feldman calls actual sufferers 'the real casualties of deception — because they are there legitimately seeking help. When the skepticism ends up undermining their efforts to get it, that's just deeply unfortunate.'"

Harriet Shepherd (2021) on the witch-hunting of people who fake disorders/illnesses. [Source]

[peachiepawsnetwork]

having short-term memory is like. this book profoundly affected me. that show bared my soul. i don’t remember a single thing about it. but it did

[peachiepawsnetwork]

quick little art about dysmorphia and how i don’t know what i look like

[peachiepawsnetwork]

Unmasking 101

This is our own post covering unmasking as a system, something that we have been able to accomplish to an extent that we are quite comfortable with. We hope that it will prove useful to some of y’all!

Disclaimer: we are one system with DID, and we can only provide our own perspective at this time. What has worked for us may or may not work for you, so use your best discretion when following the advice listed here!

What is masking?

Masking is the concept of hiding, disguising, and/or suppressing neurodiversity in an attempt to appear neurotypical. Neurodiverse people may mask for a wide variety of reasons, including to help keep themselves safe, to fit in and make friends, to avoid drawing unwanted attention, to be taken seriously by others, and more. While masking most often refers specifically to autistic experience, anyone with any sort of neurodiversity can mask.

Masking vs. Covertness

Quite often, complex dissociative disorders like DID are covert, meaning their symptoms may not be easily noticed or recognized by outsiders. Having covert symptoms is not the same as masking! It is possible to live a happy, healthy life with a covert disorder, without ever needing to “unmask” or trying to make your symptoms more noticeable.

What’s most important is learning how to live an authentic life that helps you and your system feel safe, comfortable, and happy as you are! In fact, attempting to unmask when in actuality your disorder is just covert, this could have negative, harmful, or otherwise adverse affects on your system. It’s never good to try and force yourself or your headmates to be something you’re not, and this goes for systems with covert symptoms and presentations!

What does masking look like?

In systems, masking can look like:

- other headmates acting like the host when they front

- the whole system adopting similar mannerisms in order to appear as a singlet

- acting like memories, events, and things around you are cohesive and make sense to you when they really aren’t

- pretending to recognize others or recall information that you simply cannot remember

- attempting to quell or silence internal communication and dialogues between other system members

- consciously or unconsciously ignoring signs or plurality in your own life

- copying or mirroring the actions and behaviors of the singlets you meet and interact with

And so much more! Every system is different, so masking can look very different from system to system.

How can we unmask?

Unmasking is a process that may take lots of time, patience, and effort to achieve. But it most certainly can be done! Here are a few steps you may take while undergoing this transition from masking to unmasking:

1) Recognize when you are masking.

Try to notice when you or your system members are attempting to hide, disguise, or otherwise conceal your plurality. What actions do you take to mask? What situations do you find it easier or more difficult to mask? Do certain headmates tend to mask more than others? Do you tend to mask more around certain people and places?

At this stage there’s no need to try and stop masking immediately. Just try to take it slowly and start noticing masking behaviors as they arise. If you have a system journal or some other place where you all keep thoughts organized, perhaps make a list of the masking behaviors you all are noticing in your system. Recognizing behaviors is a solid first step towards changing them!

2) Understand why you are masking.

Quite often systems mask as a self-defense mechanism. Are you in a safe environment? Do you still live, work, or associate with abusers or others who would not understand your plurality? Who benefits from your system masking? Who is harmed? Is masking easy and second-nature for your system, or is it difficult and exhausting? These sorts of questions can help answer whether or not it will be safe to mask, and whether or not you actually are masking or just have a covert/less noticeable presentation for your system.

3) Have internal conversations.

To better understand yourself, your system, why you mask, and when you mask, internal communication is key. You may have headmates who are purposefully masking in order to protect themselves and your whole system. You may have in-system roles and functions that are specifically dedicated to masking. You may have headmates who were masking without even being aware that they were doing so. Having lots of safe, open, and welcoming discussions with your headmates can help you better understand masking in your own system, and how best to formulate a plan to unmask in your daily life.

You may ultimately come to the conclusion that masking is what’s best for your system at this time, and that’s okay! Please prioritize your own health and safety over your desire to be your authentic selves. Sometimes it just isn’t safe to attempt unmasking. You know yourself, your system, and your situation best, so try to work together with your headmates to come up with a plan that works well for everyone!

4) Encourage internal and external authenticity.

Once you have a good idea of when, why, and how your system masks, you can start taking steps to change these actions and behaviors (granted, that you are in a safe place to do so!). In our experience, this can be achieved by encouraging headmates to branch off in their own ways as they have the desire to do so. Creating a safe space inside where headmates can feel secure in exploring their identities is crucial for unmasking!

It may happen slowly, but it starts by encouraging small actions and desires that headmates have which differ from each other. A headmate wants to use a specific tonal inflection that’s different from fellow members? Go for it! A headmate wants to engage in an activity that is uncharacteristic for their system as a whole? As long as it’s safe, do it! Creating an internal environment of acceptance and then encouraging each other to embrace small moments of authenticity can help chip away at that mask.

5) (if possible) Build an outside safe space.

If your system has another person in your life who knows about your plurality and is willing to accept you all unconditionally, this can be incredibly healing and work wonderfully to help unmask. Just existing around our therapist and our partner system have helped us to embrace our individuality and accept our unique features when fronting. If there is a loved one in your life who knows about your system, maybe try explaining the concept of masking to them, and ask them to help support you through this unmasking process.

If there is no one in your life who you can safely unmask around, you can still try to practice unmasking by doing so when you are alone. But please, try to center your system’s safety as you go about this process! Don’t attempt to unmask if masking is what’s keeping your system safe, healthy, and alive.

6) Don’t compare yourselves to others.

It may be tempting to compare how your system functions to others. Some systems might have never had to mask. Some might find unmasking to be a quick and easy process. Just because it may be difficult for you doesn’t mean that it’s impossible! Please try to avoid comparing yourselves to other systems, and even other headmates in your own system. Some headmates may be able to unmask more easily than others, and that’s okay! Respect each headmate’s individual needs and abilities, and go at your own pace.

What if we go back to masking after unmasking for a while?

This is only natural! After habits have been built up and practiced for so long, it can be difficult to change them in a permanent way. Masking after unmasking for a while is nothing to be ashamed of, and doesn’t mean your system has lost any progress! Many systems may find that their unmasking process happens in waves or cycles, with each cycle of unmasking followed by a masking period. The more and longer you’re able to unmask, the shorter your next masking cycle may be!

Don’t give up! If you find that your system has reverted to old ways, simply start at the beginning, show yourselves patience and understanding, and start recognizing when you mask once again.

In Conclusion

A TLDR might be: masking, or hiding/concealing neurodivergent traits, is common in neurodivergent people. Masking is not the same as having covert symptoms, so please try and understand the differences before attempting to unmask. Masking can look incredibly different and have a wide range of presentations. By learning about yourself, understanding when, why, and how you mask, having internal conversations about masking, encouraging authenticity, building internal and external safe spaces, and having patience with yourselves, you can start trying to unmask. Having a safe person to be open with about your plurality may help with this process, and avoiding comparing yourselves to others can help too! If you regress, backslide, or go back to masking after a while, that does not invalidate your progress - keep going and don’t give up! In all of this, center your system’s safety and security, and don’t attempt to unmask if it could be dangerous for your system.

We’re sorry this got so long (this is actually a very complex topic!) but we hope this helps! If anyone has any further questions regarding masking or unmasking as a system, don’t hesitate to reach out. And of course, we are just one system providing our perspective, so don’t be alarmed if what we’ve said here isn’t all that applicable to your system.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read! We’re wishing you and your system the very best of luck in your unmasking endeavors. Take care, and have a wonderful day!

[peachiepawsnetwork]

the future is plural!

I have DID. Life in our system can often be painful, messy, and complicated. It’s been challenging learning to communicate, get along, and relate to one another. Trying to come to terms with our trauma and begin to heal is difficult and scary! But over the past few years, we’ve been able to make some real progress.

And we owe it all to each other!

We have kept each other alive through our darkest moments. We are each strong and capable in our own ways. As we learn more about each other, our past, and who we want to be, our love for each other has really grown! I’m so proud of my system, I love my parts, and even though life as a system isn’t easy, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!

To me, “the future is plural” means a future where plurality and neurodiversity are accepted rather than scorned by others. A future where I can live openly as plural, and my plural siblings (ALL my plural siblings - with or without DID) can feel free to be themselves, too! A future where talking about your system is normal and encouraged - where systems of all sorts can be as vocal as they wish about their plurality without fear of backlash. A future where every system has access to the support they need, and we can come together to share our experiences, laugh, love, and learn together!

That’s what “the future is plural” means to me. We think it’s a future worth striving for!

[peachiepawsnetwork]

i think an issue with the obsession with parts in DID spaces is how much it made us overcomplicate ourselves and not treat our parts the way they deserve

a triggered part would come to front, and all we could focus on was "who are you?" then feel like we're faking DID when we didn't get an answer

instead of offering that part support and compassion like they needed, they'd be shut down for not being able to come out with an identity in their triggered state of mind

like they somehow had to earn the right to exist by first stating a name and intention

they are a part. maybe they have a name. maybe they dont. a lot of our parts are mere fragments. and thats ok. nothing is required for them to be allowed a space to exist. they don't have to be mapped out to have the right to simply be.

for so long, our focus was on "do i really have did? am i faking? do i have alters or is it just cptsd? am i faking this disorder for validation of my trauma? am i the host or this alter? am i anyone at all?"

when really we needed to focus on "what do i need right now? what do we need right now? how can we calm down and find a middle ground together? how can i offer this scared and angry part of me the support they need?"

[peachiepawsnetwork]

dude the attitude around parents is so weird and specific. what is that about

[peachiepawsnetwork]

sometimes you just have to let yourself be a bit neurodivergent.

i hate going out, it gives me a lot of anxiety and sensory input that i dont like, and i am often forced to talk to people.

so i do this thing on more difficult days, or sometimes just for fun, where i "bring a fictional character with me". i walk and imagine Fictional Character walking next to me. they talk to me, reassure me, hype me up, whatever i need them to do.

today dean winchester came christmas shopping with me. he went over the list with me of stuff i needed to get, told me i was doing a good job every time i finished in a certain shop, reminded me to take a deep breath when i got a little overwhelmed.

and yea. its kinda silly. and i know its just me talking to myself in a different voice, but it Works! especially since all of my special interests/hyperfixations tend to be tv/movie related.

so do what you gotta do to Get Shit Done. stop holding yourself to neurotypical standards. if you need Fictional Character to tell you you're doing a good job, do it! if you need Favourite Singer to walk you to school, do it! yea it might feel silly but you're literally fighting against your own brain to get stuff done every single day. you can have a little self indulgent daydream, as a treat.

[peachiepawsnetwork]

Some days, DID looks like constant spacing out and never seeming fully there. Missed bits of conversations and a memory that doesn’t seem like it wants to work.

Sometimes it looks like talking to myself, constant internal noise and heightened sensory sensitivity.

Some days DID looks like being emotional for seemingly no reason, crying, laughing, anger over something I don’t know, emotional bleed-through from other alters.

Other days it just looks like severe PTSD. Avoidance, spacing out, needing help to ground myself. Flashbacks that I honestly can’t remember the triggers of, or remember the full event of, but that I know are flashbacks.

And sometimes it just looks like nothing at all. I seem put-together and relatively normal. You’d never know I had a dissociative disorder.

The day-to-day severity of my symptoms do not determine what mental illness I have. I still have DID and I still struggle with it whether you can see it or not.

[peachiepawsnetwork]

Another reminder: Transfem headmates in AFAB bodies are valid, appreciated and loved! 💖💖💖

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[peachiepawsnetwork]

Endogenic systems who later gained traumagenic headmates are valid.

Traumagenic systems who later gained endogenic headmates are valid.

Any mixed origin system is valid.

[peachiepawsnetwork]

syscourse is strange to me as a former transmed just because it’s all the same shit. Yeah sometimes being plural fucking sucks, sometimes people are talking to a stranger and he is scared and confused frequently. Sometimes he’s violent and sometimes he’s in the back of my head shaking. Sometimes I feel so far away it’s like I can never come back even if I do. But damn I looked that shit up and it’s all like? “I hate being a system” “my system is a wound made from trauma and I wish I never had it” yes my friends were created by horrible repeated trauma, but why would I ever hate them or want to change them? I only felt self love with the endo community, and trust me my trauma is vile and disgusting, but I had to love my friends before it killed me

[peachiepawsnetwork]

don't give up

[peachiepawsnetwork]

Shout out to protectors who :

Have antisocial tendencies

Do everything to keep the system safe

are tired, but would do it all again

their way of protecting is sometimes labeled as "to harsh"

yall are doing your best, and youre the backbone of the system, youre loved and aprecciated

[peachiepawsnetwork]

gods i wish we could browse discord servers regularly and not have to have our protector do it because we don't know whether or not the server will hate us for existing. We can't trust when it says it's "system friendly"; we have to go in and read the rules and sometimes even make an intro, look for sysmed dogwhistles, and even if we don't find anything, unless there's something explicitly including systems of all origins we're STILL paranoid about it. Syscourse/sysmedicalism have heightened our trauma so intensely and the fact that our traumagenic members have adapted to cover for that really goes to show how dangerous it is. We're so tired. The hatred and bigotry in the system community is so common in fandom spaces claiming to be accepting. There aren't many places where it's safe to exist