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pearllila · 8 years ago

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Diet ≠ Zero

The first time I had sex after my ex was with this guy from (gasp) Tinder. Now full disclosure, I have slept with guys in the past on the first date after meeting online, but this would be the first time I ever did it on purpose.

So, it was Saturday and I had just been stood up by TWO different men, one of which whom's this was their 'second chance'. I have had the wines, and I'm already looking FIERCE because I had started the night thinking I was a wild woman because I had booked two dates for the same night! Suddenly I went from two dates to zero.

With no communication. Just, none.

And again, the wines.

So Mr. Philly (named for his awful-really just poorly done tattoos, even if you like those teams- Eagles and Phllies tattoos on thigh and bicep) and I had been texting and flirting and sending semi inappropriate texts, tho only snaps on his part, was suddenly an option for the evening. Alas, while he was free, he had already begun drinking and couldn't drive because of his clearance (yes I know this was a lie, yes I'm an idiot for those kinds of words). So where do Valks and I jump in the car to? Alexandria. Yup.

Making excuses to my sisters (because of course the wines were with them), I say I’m headed home because the evening was disappointing and whatever… but instead I scoop my dog and buy a bottle of the Butter Wine (18% hayyy) and proceed to pump myself up over the next 45 min drive by alternating “Yea! I AM WOMAN RAWR!” type motivational self-talk, incognito glugs of Butter Wine, and the ever supportive Annabelle on speaker phone the whole way.

I arrive and Phil immediately kisses me, making the joke of “getting that outta the way” and I’m half horrified, half grateful because I’m terribly awkward and nowhere near intoxicated enough for this. Thankfully, he has bought a bottle of Tito’s and diet (ugh, I specifically said Coke Zero) Coke just for that purpose.

Skip ahead an hour or so and I, being the sex-deprived, daring, and brave soul that I am (apparently that evening at least) pounce. Or not so much as pounce as lose my damn mind (and pants) and inform him what he was going to do for me. Ladies, having never tried to be bossy in the bedroom before let me just say it is empowering! Sadly, as is usually the case with big-talkers (Oh girl I’ll have you screaming, oh you can’t handle all this), the sex was sub-par. I believe I later described it in the group text with Anna and Alyse as being “like pizza, not so great but its still pizza so I’mma eat it”. Later, rephrasing to “like pasta without cheese”. Still, I drove 45 mins WITH MY DOG, for this pasta so I was gonna have multiple servings.

You would not BELIEVE how difficult it was to get this guy to have morning sex. He just wanted to lay there. Then he tried to bargain with me- saying if I massaged his butt for 5 mins we could have sex. Meanwhile I’m thinking, Bro, I drove my ass from Annapolis for your lame ass dicking. You at least owe me a decent morning lay. Before you all get uppity on the whole “He doesn’t owe you sex!” omg just chill.

Oh well. At least his dog was cute.

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pearllila · 11 years ago

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pretty much.

The reason I don't have a boyfriend

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pearllila · 11 years ago

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Ketchup

Wow. So, looks like I haven’t posted anything on here in about a year. Craziness. I really wish that I could say something totally awesome about how I spent the last year… But yea. No backpacking around Europe, no finding the love of my life, not even a cool new tattoo. Kinda just been figuring out this whole “post college” thing and whatnot.

I did end up (finally) getting a boyfriend for like, a hot second there. Another asshole- no surprise there-. But he was generally an alright guy, we just realllllly didn’t mesh well. And then there was the whole like no sex after two weeks deal… Kind of a turn off. I mean, I can be celibate on my own bro. And then I can just hang out in my sports bra smoking and marathoning HIMYM and Grey’s while eating ummm everything?

Pretty much the last 2 months have been a weird guy situation in general. I ran into one of those buys who wants to see you every single freaking day for like a month or so, and you let him because hey- you’re getting laid and you get to be one of those gross co-dependent “coupley” things for a while. Then suddenly you’re not getting laid anymore (but he is). Even better? It’s Valentine’s Day when he blows you off. Well, fuck. I’d still throw this guy a bone occasionally (tbh, I did during the snowstorm last weekend), except I got really used to getting laid on the reg and I’m thinking I need to find a more semi-perm situation for that.

Enter… Tinder.

Before you start judging- you have that shit on your phone too.

To make the whole Tindering process slightly less lame, I decided to write some rules for my Tindering adventures:

If you’re a dude and have more selfies than I do… NOPE.

Military? I’ve done enough service for my nation on that front… NOPE.

If your name is Pedestrian… Haha well… NOPE. (See later when I inevitably broke this one…)

If your caption is anything along the lines of “I’m yellin’ Tinder”…. NOPE.

No caption… NOPE.

So, out of this whole mess I have met one guy, Pedestrian #6 (see Rule #3) who I have been out with once and another guy ummmm Paintballer who I have yet to meet but we have a few close mutual friends.

So, I go out with Pedestrian #6. We hit up a local wine bar and I’m so nervous I’m about to pee my freaking pants. You see, I had just done some mild (ahem) Facebook stalking and… yikes. This dude’s stomach is so ripped I could chip a fucking tooth on it. And his V? It’s not a V. It’s a fucking W. Huge (but not gross huge) tattooed arms? Yup. Holy shit… He is way hotter than I am.

Funny thing is, when I show up… He’s just adorable. He’s nervously chatting my ear off, trying to sound impressive about wines, and constantly apologizing for talking too much. So we drink more wine and (magically) we’re both less nervous. Then I figure out that he’s maybe not quite *enough*? I can’t tell if he’s not quite smart enough for me or if it’s just the asshole sarcasm I’m missing (take a guess…).

So, another bar and some oysters later we’re at the end of our date. He asks me out again for this weekend to a hockey game and I accept. No good night kiss, but that’s ok since in the past I’ve totally botched that reaction… I mean, really? What in the hell are you even supposed to do on a first date with that?? Some say mature people don’t kiss on the first date, like you have something to prove. Others say that you’re an adult, kiss the poor guy who just paid for your dinner/drinks/took you to his office work party the first time you ever met (no really, that happened once).

The next evening, just as I’m contemplating hooking up with the reject who kept me hostage in his bed for 6 weeks (totally not actually complaining) vs being a good girl and just seeing where the adorable hot man goes… I get a phone call from THAT guy. You know that guy that every girl has… Not quite the Great White Buffalo, no. That spot is (for me) reserved for that one boy who took everything you had and then trampled you into the ground (the Pedestrian). THIS guy though… This damn guy… He’s that one boy that, throughout your entire relationship-thing, you can’t decide if you want to punch him in the face or rape him up against a wall.

Let’s back up to about a month ago… Been sleeping with Hostage boy for about a month now, exclusively (well, I was) and then one night when I’m home alone all ugly-fied after work, drinking wine, and watching terrible television, Puck (non-great white buffalo man) decides that he is coming over. Just like that. Ummm… How about no, Scott? Still coming over. Well, this is awkward.

After forcibly snuggling me on the couch (snuggle rape, I’m telling you) I then get an infuriatingly too-little-too-late schpiel about how he’s ready to see where things could go now. (Side note: a couple weeks prior we drunkenly make out/fooled around at a holiday party and then nothing came of it) I was actually incredibly pissed off. You see, I’ve slept with this guy before. It’s been over a year since we slept together and he never called. We’ve kept in touch because harassing each other over the phone when we’re drunk is amusing and we have mutual friends. I’ve been single like, A WHILE. But now he chooses to be “ready”? I am having some great sex with a man who has, arguably, the best smile I’ve ever seen (we’re talking ruin-your-panties smile here ladies) and NOW he wants to talk? ASFDIHASOINASDFUHUKSDF!!!??

I (obviously) made the decision to stay exclusive with Hostage boy (clearly that worked out well for me) and made Puck leave without so much as a half-heartedly spurned ass grab. Which brings us to now.

That phone call was an hour long, and we talked about pretty much nothing. Except that I’m no longer seeing Hostage boy and he needs to get his damn ass in gear and stop whining. He missed his last window- don’t miss this one. So we make plans to see each other the next night and he asks me to call him in the morning (um, ok?). And when I do, it’s all “Why did I tell you to call me again? Haha you know better than to listen to me.” And “Yea uh idk maybe I’ll see you out tonight, w/e”. Grrr….

So at the end of all of this I have as follows:

Hostage boy- no longer sleeping with only me, so I’m no longer sleeping with him (although, we’ll see how long that lasts after my 4th martini tonight)

Pedestrian #6- SMOKING HOT adorable man who still may not be able to keep my interest because of those Daddy Issues so clearly outlined in one of my earlier blog posts

Puck- non-great white buffalo who is infuriating and I will probably still continue to hate myself/salivate over the chance of dating him (for real)

THE FUCK DOES A GIRL HAVE TO DO TO GET LAID AROUND HERE UNIVERSE???

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pearllila · 11 years ago

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You know who you are ;)

when my friends ask why things didn't work out with the guy I was seeing

all I can think of is like,

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pearllila · 11 years ago

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I literally get turned on by proper grammar.

when the almost perfect guy I'm seeing texts using the wrong your/you're

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pearllila · 12 years ago

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Gravity

Ok, so, I've been meaning to blog for the past couple weeks. About my Dad, about telling guy #1 I no longer wanted to see him, and how guy #2 and I are hitting it off... But tonight, my ex is taking over again (in a sense).

So, things have been going pretty well ith guy #2 (we'll call him Ricardo, haha). We've had a few dates, he's adorable. He spent the weekend with my friends and I out of town and they all really liked him... Did I mention he's adorable? And a closet nerd. Awesomesauce. But scccerrrrt!!!! Hold up now. The last few days I've been finding myself thinking about Ricardo and smiling like an idiot while I'm driving and giggling and being girly and shit (ew). Yup, standard crush-type-progression.

For those of you who know my dating history of the last year or so, you're probably thinking something along the lines of "adorbes", "about damn time", or (like my mother) "thank god". But right behind the feelings of giddiness, hoping he'll text me, and gushing to my gf's about his adorable actions there's this whole scared-out-of-my-freaking-mind-feeling-like- I-will-throw-up-ness going on.

Now, this could be a reaction caused by any number of things. My bio-Dad suddenly trying to re-appear in my life again, stress over finding a new roommate, stress over the new job, ect. But really, it's just about my ex (we'll call him Pedestrian). Pedestrian (with plenty of help from yourstruly) dragged my heart up Main st, over West, around Jennifer, and back down Bestgate and onto Rowe and back again. Three times. At least.

This isn't the first foray into dating that I've tried sine Pedestrian and I finally called it quits (or rather, I stopped giving him the milk for free). I've had dates, some flirtations and hook-ups, even a couple guys I had legitimate dating interest in. I felt as though, after a year of this deteatched, keep-your-distance dating, that I was finally ready to actually date someone and maybe even *like* them.

It started on Tuesday. a couple days after Ricardo and I had spent the weekend away with my friends. I found myself telling Lynn that I was terrified of how things were progressing with Ricardo. Did I have any legitimate complaints? He's hot, he's adorable, closet nerd, my friends like him... What was my freaking problem? I just couldn't help remembering what it felt like to have my heart drop like a rock to the pit of my stomach, hold my breath, and try to stop the tears as my heart got ripped out of my chest and kicked. Over, and over, again.

I can't stop thinking of how I committed so fully before, how I built a whole future up (very much) in my head, and watched it end. I BOUGHT A FEAKING HOUSE FOR FUCKSSAKE. Phew. Ok. I'm ok.

But now, the idea of committing to someone, even on the lightest of levels like "dating" or "talking" or "seeing each other" is terrifying. How can I ever be that intimate with another person again? I'm not saying that because Pedestrian was the ultimate catch or anything... Rather that he knew more of me than my "first love", my high school sweetheart, my sisters, Lynne and Elise, than anyone. Have you ever experienced that real, visceral feeling that you get like someone literally has their hand in your chest and they're clutching your heart? It sounds romantic- they have your heart in their hands. But you are so vulnerable.

How can I do that again? Go through that again, when I'm still so raw (I didn't think I was, but apparently, I am)? Who knows? Ricardo and I could go on one more date and call it quits. No really the point. Because I'm not scared of Ricardo- Ricardo is great. I'm just scared.

I'm scared because when I saw Pedestrian's best friend in the bar (again) tonight (he shall be... Blue), I still HAD TO hug him. Yes, Blue and I were cool when Pedestrian and I were together but, really, being friendly to him is more like a sick little punishment for myself for thinking about Pedestrian AGAIN. I make myself, FORCE MYSELF, not to ask about him. I don't look at him FaceBook, I don't even talk o Lynne or Elise about him anymore. And yet, here I am, spending an hour blogging about being terrified of enjoying myself with a really good guy because of something he did a year ago. Something I did a year ago, two years ago, three... It's always terrifying, it's always the same. Exes pull you in like gravity. They steal your breath and hold on tight until you can't breathe and your gasping and then suddenly you can breathe again... only you're also so, so scared that your air will be taken away again.

Emo post. <3

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pearllila · 12 years ago

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This "Dating" Thing

So, my generation of daters has grown up with a multitude of ideologies and notions on what "dating" is and how it "should" be done...

SATC: 3 dates before sex

Cosmo? 5 dates

Our parents? Somewhere between "free love man" and "not until you're married"

/sigh

So, I guess the questions is... What works for us?

For me, it's always been like gravity. When I find someone who I am crazy about, it's pretty much like gravity... I have to be around him, he has to be around me, and then it's WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM (I admit, I've been pretty spoiled when it comes to my men in the bedroom department, but that's for another blog post... ;) )

So, what about when you're doing this crazzzzy "dating" thing? What about when it's not like gravity? The guy is attractive, funny, nice, good on paper (house, car, job, family)... 3 dates? 5 dates? 7? Do you wait for that moment when you can take it gotta have him right now right here any way??? Or do you wait for when it's "appropriate"? When you're legs are shaved, your roommate isn't home for the night, and he has an over night bag? ...

Or maybe you don't at all? Maybe you want and need that "gravity"- that undefinable thing that makes someone utterly irresistible to you and you don't know why. That thing that makes you're skin flush and tingle and you go all shivery even though you're anything but cold...

But, really. We're adults now. And that's happened every time before and, come on... You're still single. So is that rush worth it? Is it really what you need? Is it even real?

So, I guess I'll go out with guy #1 again this week (3rd date, but who's counting?) and meet up with guy #2 for drinks (1st date)... But do I just go with what is the "norm"? At what point do you become a "tease"? And is it immature to still want that "gravity"?

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pearllila · 12 years ago

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I Need Musical Therapy

So, I was driving home from work tonight (ok, really a bar). But I only had two beers, I swear (only because they closed....). ANYWAY.

So, I decided to put on Pandora. Yay Pandora! Only, not... Pandora seems to have this uncanny ability to JUST KNOW what songs I need to hear (whether I want to or not).

While I was at the bar, two diff guys approached me, wanting to buy me drinks. I turned both away, using the "I'm here with friends" line. my coworker asked me why... "Well, I'm just now getting back into dating kinda so.... Ya know..." "Wait, really? Still from that guy? From like, A YEAR AGO?" /sigh

So, for me, the whole break up bit is a healing process... Or kind of a slow whirlwind... Let me explain... No, there is too much... Let me sum up... ;)

Step 1: Drink as much as your liver can possibly handle. Then drink more. Make sure to include a SURPLUSS of drunk "I love you/I hate you" texts to your ex... Got it?

Perf.

Step 2: Ho. It. Up.

Now, I know I really shouldn't be putting this out there, but for serial monogamists (like myself), this is really the only time where you're going to be emotionally unstable enough / IDGAF enough to not hate yourself the next morning (although, trust me, that comes in a couple months).

Step 3: Find some douche bag who you think you may actually like enough to "date"... Lawlz... Moving right along...

Step 4: Re-enter the awkward gauntlet that is "DATING". That's right sweetie... Shave your fucking legs and get your nails done. BAM.

Now, where Pandora comes into all of this....

So, I leave the bar "I Need You" by Tim and Faith... Cute, but not disgusting. I can fucks with that.

Next up: "You and Tequila" by Kenny Boy- my ex and mine's song... It's been long enough now though that, while he crosses my mind, I can enjoy the song again. Cool.

"Wanted You More" by Lady A... Well, I'll just go slit my wrists now, TYVM... House? Ring? Dumped? Yup. Woooo-sahhhh.... I'm cool bro, I'm cool.

"Last Call" by Lee Ann.... Are you friggin kidding me? How many goddam booty calls...??? Nope. Nope, I'm good.

Then, a couple of meaningless songs to cool me down ("Honey bee", "It Happens").

And finally (because, at this point, I've convinced myself that every song has some message from the universe) "Love is Looking for You" by Miranda...

Really, M? Because I've been dating again for oh, maybe 14 freaking seconds???

By the end of all of this musical nonsense, I'm wistful... Not for my ex, but for those nights when I could go home (or to his home) and have someone asleep in bed, just waiting for me to climb in next to them. To have someone roll over and throw an arm over me, not even waking up... But still aware enough to know that I was there, that it was time for rest.

I'm wistful for the knowing that comes with a partner. I miss the smell of a man on my pillow, even the thousand times I had to say "Put the goddamned toilet seat back down". I miss knowing that he liked the heel end of the bread, and his toast a little burnt. That he knew I NEEDED sour cream with everything or I would pout (and ok, yes, a fit a time or two), and that Tylenol PM was a must-have. I miss just knowing we were there.

If that isn't enough to describe to you my insanity breaking back into "Dating"... Seriously? Read the above neurotic break down over Pandora.

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pearllila · 12 years ago

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