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[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee July 2023

I don't know how much more I can take. I just feel like I'm everyone's puppet, and that I've got to everyone's bidding while neglecting my needs and wants.

My partner constantly goes on at me about my music (half the time I'm too exhausted to play my violin, so I rarely go on it through the week). Today, I actually had an urge, a want, to go on my violin and told my partner I was going to go on it. Then chaos unfolded. He started saying about how he's nagged me all these months to go on it, and that I should be doing other stuff like trying to find a new job instead. I feel like I can't win. I don't have a lot of time at the best of times, but I really wanted to play it today, and now I feel deflated again. Is this shit ever going to stop.

He keeps saying things need to change, but I just feel like he's trying to get more control over me. HE needs to change things, not me. He keeps saying he's unhappy, but I do everything for him, his meds, arranging and taking him to appointments, even his shopping sometimes. So, who's the one that is really unhappy here? Not once does he take my feelings into consideration, and expects me to jump through hoops for him all the time. And let's not forget the mental head fucks I've gotta go through on the daily. And everyone wonders why I'm so exhausted all the time.

He's trying his best to bully me into moving in here with him (at least I get a little bit of a reprieve when I'm home, where I get to relax a bit and do things I wanna do, even if it is time limited). And using the dog against me is really messing with my mental health right now. I'm on meds for it, but when I'm constantly mentally attacked all the time, they're not gonna work efficiently. I'm fed up crying all the time, I'm getting to the point where I just don't wanna be alive anymore. My life isn't my life, it's everyone else's to do as they want.

The poor dog is also copping it here, it's like we're both here to be abused. I'm constantly worried he's gonna hurt him, or the dog turning on him coz he's had enough.

When is this shit seriously gonna stop? It's not me that needs to change, it's him. He thinks it's quite normal to upset me and make me anxious all the time. When am I gonna live, instead of survive all the time?

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee June 2023

I don't know how much more I can take off people. Especially the ones that don't take responsibility for their actions.

So, this morning started with the dog having the runs and a major clean up. Partner gets his hair off (which is a usual thing these days), and then I get upset. I checked the camera and saw he shut the dog in the cage until 8am this morning. The dog had not been in his cage since then, and was seen sniffing the cage, implying he had already done it when my partner had let him out this morning. But yet, my partner kicked off this morning (the dog couldn't help it, he was obviously ill) and made out the dog had gone in his cage and did it after he had let him out.

This morning has comprised of shouting, stuff being thrown, and a bit of mental torture to go with it. I'll say it again, I don't know how much more I can take. How can anyone be so horrible?

Gotta think what I wanna do now, coz at the moment, I'm unhappy, broke and just living to please people. I'm definitely not living for myself right now, I feel like a shell, a slave even. And he's expecting me to go to a concert with him next week? I've already expressed my concerns about leaving the dog here while we go. The neighbour was supposed to have him, but forgot and now he can't have him as it's short notice.

I feel like I'm sinking again, and I can't help but blame my partner for that right now. I try my hardest to get better, but I'm always dragged down some way or another. I'm fed up of being shouted at, and being stressed all the time.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee November 2022

So, things have taken a turn for the worst again. My partner is due to go in for a big operation, which he has 50% chance of survival for. Things have been stressful these last couple of months (hence no blogs, I've just been too busy).

Christmas is fast approaching, and struggling to do shifts with all these hospital appointments and my partner needing care, I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet. Everything is slowly getting on top of me and I feel like I'm going mad, with no hope of rectifying any situation that I am in.

My partner is constantly going on about our dog all the time (we had him as his previous owner was constantly working all the time, so had no time for him). He's a staffy, and has separation anxiety due to being left at home on his own for hours on end. So, if me and my partner need to go out, the dog ends up howling and destroying the doorframe all the time. My partner keeps saying the dog needs to go, which breaks my heart. He's not very understanding when it comes to the dog, after all the dog has been through, he's only 14 months old and has been through a lot.

Today, I was helping my partner put the covers back on the sofa, and pne of them broke (which I can easily fix when the cover is off the sofa again). Anyway, he went into a tirade again, telling me I ruined a £2000 sofa, and went on about how I couldn't afford to get Christmas presents, which made me feel really shitty considering the situation I'm in right now. Then he went on to say I owed him £200 for a car part, even though he told me at the time to not worry about it.

I did go to the toilet and have a cry, I'm already aware of my situation, but there's no way of rectifying it at the moment. I had a pupil I was teaching violin to for a couple of weeks, which was a little bit of extra money coming in. But, she quit on me a week ago, so there's nothing I can do about that either. And when I do get my benefits in, most of that goes on rent and paying my dad off for my harp. I took the harp up so that I can play at weddings to earn more money. I've also got my strings, but no one is biting at the moment. No one has any money at the moment, which is no surprise with the government.

I just feel like everyone is money orientated, including my partner at the moment. My mother goes on about money as well, which really winds me up. My partner keeps nagging me to chase up money for working in the pandemic, bit I honestly don't think I'm going to get it, it's been months.

I'm trying to juggle everything at the moment, and no one seems to notice how much it is stressing me out, or they don't seem to care. It just feels like everyone is just out for themselves and I'm here along for the ride, to do everyone's bidding. I can never catch a break, I haven't even got time to visit friends.

Things definitely need to get better, as I'm constantly being triggered with my PTSD and now it's starting to affect my daily mood as well. I'm constantly on edge, wondering what other people are going to say or do to me all the time. When things settle down, I will be able to take on extra shifts and make my money back up, but that don't seem to be good enough for anyone. I'm just at a loss of what to do.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee July 2022 (part 2)

So it seems the legacy that I always thought I had is actually is true. I am the foster girlfriend for men until they find their forever homes. It does upset me a bit, I'm not gonna lie, coz I thought this time would be different.

So, my partner is now in hospital, has been for 4 days. His op was cancelled yesterday, and rescheduled for 3 days later. Needless to say he isn't happy about it. But why am I the one who gets the brunt of it when things happen? I'm always shouted at and blamed for things.

He's not only sent me a lot of messages, he's put stuff up on Facebook as well, knowing it is upsetting me. I rush around for him all the time, and for once this morning I had 30 mins lay in, in bed (I set my alarm for 9:30 this morning). I had worked until 10pm yesterday and was tired after my shift, so I needed the sleep. And yet, I'm always accused of not making an effort, when in fact, my life pretty much revolves around him. Even my boss said in my interview that he wanted to know about me, not my partner, which just goes to show I don't have my own life anymore. Yet, he accuses me of not doing enough for him.

I really don't know what to do anymore. The thought of marriage now terrifies me. And he's so quick for me to move back in with him again, when I have my son at home who still needs me to an extent (he's a teenager and finding his feet).

I just feel that everytime I start making progress with my mental health and my life, I have no support for it. It's like no one can be happy for me when things go right, and they feel the need to tear me back down again. And yet, my mental health is always a topic of conversation to get me to "make more effort". My overall mood is great, so my antidepressanta are doing their job. But when it comes to my PTSD, no tablet is gonna help with that when it is triggered, which seems to be every day lately.

I just hope and pray that something gives soon, coz I feel like any progress I make right now is cruelly ripped from me to keep me in my place.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee July 2022

So, everything has gone to shit this weekend. Started at a new job with my Agency, at a Recovery project centre for mental health. I am really enjoying it here, fairplay, although very nervous as today is my first lone working shift. But, the guys here are supportive, and I have emergency numbers to contact just in case.

So, partner situation. For the last couple of weeks my partner's mental health has been declining as his physical health has been declining. I am medicated this time round, so I am strong enough to deal with it now. My mood hasn't been too bad, just a dip here and there. My partner keeps mentioning my mental health, saying I am declining when in fact, I've been okay. I still struggle with mornings on my meds, but that is normality for me, has been for most of my adult life.

Yesterday, my partner tells me he doesn't want me to come down his house (I stay every weekend) as he is struggling and wants some space to thonk about things. He also mentions the morning struggle my end and how I don't make any effort. This took me aback a bit, but I was polite back and gave him the space he needs. Apart from one status on Facebook slagging me off, he's completely ignored me these last two days and it has made my anxiety worse. I can't eat properly, which is made worse by him sharing normal things on Facebook, without even saying he's calmed down or anything.

I am too anxious right now to message him, as I don't wanna be hit by a barrage of abuse. I'm currently in work at the moment, and I don't want to be having an anxiety attack. I just feel he's pushed me out if his life now, as he's started to make friends. It's like he doesn't need me to care for him anymore. He has a support network around him, which is great, but I'm all alone. I don't have anyone I can talk to, hes usually the one I go to. I feel lonely, used, and anxious at the moment, and no doubt it'll soon start affecting my depression too.

Dunno whether to just sit this one out and hope for the best, or just bite the bullet and end things. It's not fair to treat me like this. He says I don't make an effort, yet I find any excuse to go down to him, do his meds. Yeah, the affection side has taken a back seat at the moment, but he is ill at the moment. It just seems like I was only there coz he was lonely at the time, and he needs me to care for him.

Scrap that, my depression is now already playing up. I've had urges all day just to end my life, no one would miss me when I'm gone anyway. Especially now I definitely have no one around me who cares. How ironic though, I work in mental health, helping people with mental health issues, but haven't got any support myself for mine.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee - January 2022

Okay, so I type this as I weep uncontrollably in my partner's house. Dunno how much more I can take, I feel like I'm just here to please people and that I'm failing miserably at it.

So, my partner is in hospital right now, which is a very stressful time for me. While I can't say my depression is too bad, it is being affected a little bit by all the stress. My memory is shocking at the moment, so I know the stress is affecting me greatly. My partner is being very demanding at the moment, I get he's ill in hospital, but there's no thought about what this stress is doing to me, particularly when he's kicking off at me coz I've forgotten something. I've got loads to do and very little time to do it, and to be honest, I am finding this very overwhelming.

He keeps going on about my mental health all the time, how I'm starting to slip etc. But he's not thinking about how he treats me affects my mental health either. I am not low in mood at the moment, well, apart from this moment as he's upset me. I am still working, getting up for work, no problems there. I am medicated still, but he's insisting that I up my meds, which I don't think I need to do, he needs to be less demanding. And then, when he realises he's being demanding, he then makes out that he's a burden to me. I've never once thought that or said it to him.

I feel lately that I can never just catch a break from anyone. I've lightened my load with a few people, coz they've got other people there to support them. I feel like I don't have any support, I've always got through stuff on my own anyway, so I'm used to it. If anything, I'd rather not being people into my issues, they're mine and only I can sort them out.

Then, there's always the conversation that comes up about him "dumping" me, coz of our mental health and how he can't cope if my mental health is bad coz his is so bad. I don't think he realises how much this upsets me when he does this. I left last time because there was no give, and I felt like I had no choice. And even when I did leave, I felt like I'd failed him.

I'm always on eggshells lately, and that's not because of my general mood. As I said, I'm not of low mood or where I can't function. So why am I being accused of slipping, just because the stress is affecting my memory a little bit? I keep going through this in my head, trying to see if I'm at fault here, but honestly, I haven't done anything out of the ordinary that could justify this.

Maybe he's gotten bored of me and my personality, but just keeping me there to look after him. It's like he needs me but doesn't want me. And then, accuses me of being like that with him. I can't win, he's always got an answer to everything when I approach these issues, and it's always my fault.

Well, things definitely need to get better, coz I can't take feeling like this anymore. And he's always saying about moving back in with him, but I've got my reservations at the moment. I do not wanna get as low as I did when I left. And all this wedding talk, we're not even engaged at the moment, and he's planning how to finance our wedding. I gave the ring back to him when I left, and it hasn't been on my finger since. And now I'm worried that if he does decide to propose again, it's gonna make me lose my head.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee - Christmas 2021

Pretty sure you're not meant to cry on Christmas day. It's meant to be a happy day filled with joy. But, this Christmas, I find myself upset and angry, even though my household is having a happy day. I could go and blame my depression for this, but I know it's not my depression this time.

Let's go back to the end of August, where I split with my partner of nearly 2 years. I was his carer, as he has a debilitating illness which is hard to manage, but I try my best. I moved out, back into my mother's, but we got back together 3 weeks later. I still didn't move back in with him as I wanted to take things slow (things happened that affected my mental health). So, Christmas day plans for this year were for me to spend the 1st half of Christmas day with my mother and son, and then the second half with my partner down his.

The last couple of weeks have been awful. He's got worse mentally and physically, and has seen fit to take it out on me, even though I've been there through thick and thin with him. He blames me when appointments get cancelled, pushes me away then tells me I'm not there enough for him.

Today is Christmas day, and we had an argument yesterday. I was meant to pop in and check on him but he threw a fit and started saying stuff like "our relationship just feels like friendship, just friends and a carer". That really upset me yesterday if I'm honest. So, I tried to talk about it with him but he just kept kicking off, saying he should be in hospital and implying that I was neglecting him (I've been telling him for weeks he needs to go in, but he keeps refusing). This morning, I sent him a nice message, wishing him a merry Christmas and asking how he was, while telling him I'd be down with his presents later. Things have kicked off again today, and he's basically said that he doesn't want me there, and that he'll see me Monday instead. How does he expect me to feel when he pushes me away everytime I try and be there with him?

I did voice my concerns today, but it's fallen on deaf ears. I even asked him if I had done anything wrong to make him feel like that. All I got was the usual tirade of abuse. Since yesterday, he's gone from calling me babe or boo, to my actual name. Again, that's hurting me too. I'm on edge here at my mother's, when I should be enjoying myself.

Not sure if I should call down to his liked planned, as I know he's gonna give me a bad time. But, if I don't go down to him, he'll complain I've left him alone for Christmas, when it was him that said not to come down.

All I know is, I want today to be over and for everything to be back to normal again, as normal as we can with covid and all.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee - June 2020

So, things are getting a lot worse through this isolation period. It's got to the point where me and my partner are arguing and completely ignoring each other now. I'm still in bed while I write this.

This month had seen me struggling with my mental health, and with no one to talk to. I don't think my partner even likes me anymore, I feel like I'm here just to pay half the bills. I feel so alone again, I feel like I've pushed away everyone that was ever close to me. I've also had one of my best mates completely cut themself off from me, and betray me in the process.

Life is definitely getting harder, and I don't know how long I can stick being alive anymore. I don't even want to eat anymore, I feel like I need to get away from everyone. I can't cope with all the arguing, and pettiness of the people around me. I have no means of managing my mental health, now that my orchestra has to isolate.

Work is also a problem. I hate going in for a shift, I'm always kicking off lately. I can't do the job I want, coz isolation forbids me to do it. Why am I even still here? I don't think anyone would miss me when I'm gone anyway. I'd like to think that things are going to get better, but they're not. All my hopes and dreams are completely crushed.

My next update will be in July, since we're now at the end of June. I highly doubt that my next entry will be more forfilling or exciting, as life is like a prison at the moment.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee - May 2020

So, remember when I mentioned those eggshells that I was walking on at home? Yeah, well, those eggshells are starting to make me bleed. I just don't know how much more I can take anymore.

We're all still in isolation at the moment, so everyone is stressed out still, and I get that, I really do. But certain behaviours have made me feel quite shitty lately, and with all the stuff I've already been through, I'm finding it hard to tolerate them. I know relationships have their ups and downs, but mood swings? Really? This feels like it's got a mind of it's own, quite literally.

I had to call into work sick today, as I still didn't feel well. I did go into work yesterday despite being unwell, but by the end of the shift, I ended up feeling worse for wear. I have had a bad stomach for the past couple of days, and I haven't been able to eat much at all. I only managed to get a microwave burger down me yesterday, and that was only because I lined my stomach with 2 milkshakes.

Anyway, I wake up only to find my partner has put a status up aimed at me on Facebook. Not something I wanted to see when I'm feeling ill. I know my partner is seriously ill, but he's also a grown ass male, and can't expect to rely on me for everything, especially when I'm ill. I'm not okay with this status at all. I'm currently in the living room where he's now currently ignoring me. No "are you okay?" thrown in or anything. I'm now just sat here in silence, currently blogging while he pouts on the settee.

He's gone from being all nice to me yesterday, to being a total dick to me today. If I had done something wrong, then fair enough. But if I had done something wrong, I'd at least expect him to talk to me about it to my face rather than post a status on Facebook.

So, while he revels in his pout, I'm going to vacate to the bathroom for a bit, as there's clearly an atmosphere in this room, and that's not fair on other people.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee April 2020 (Part 2)

So, I know I posted an entry this month, but I still have a load on my mind to offload. I've been living with my partner properly for about a month and a half now, and besides not feeling like this is my home, I also feel that I'm not wanted here. I feel like such a burden, as if I'm only here to pay bills and that's it. My partner has gone from being supportive and considerate to not really showing me any sign of affection at all.

I just feel like packing my bags and just running away. My heart is now breaking and I'm crying as I type this. I actually thought I'd do the whole marriage thing and happy life thing, and for the first 5 months I thought I'd actually get to see that with my partner. Now, I can't see any other future with my partner apart from running from the hills. I don't know whether it's his mental health, but he's gone cold towards me and I feel like he just doesn't wanna know anymore. He hasn't even touched me in months, I don't understand why he even wants me around if he doesn't feel anything for me, other than to help pay the bills. He keeps telling me I'm shutting him down when I disagree with him on something too. It's like I can't even voice my own opinion anymore. Anytime I say something, he turns on me. I just don't want to be here anymore.

My son is meant to be staying here tomorrow, but I'm just honestly considering going back to my mother's just to see him. I'm so unhappy right now, I feel so alone. I can't wait till this lockdown is lifted coz I really need some time away from him, without the reason being work coz that just depresses me as well. I don't know what I've done to make him act like this, but I honestly can't take anymore. I'm trying to understand his mental health, but he refuses to talk to me about it. He even tells me that if there's any overtime going then I should take it. Bearing in mind that work has a negative effect on my mental health as well. It's obvious he doesn't want me here.

I just want to run away and never come back. I've had enough. It's either that or kill myself, coz I really can't cope anymore. I'm gonna end this entry now to go to sleep, and hopefully I'll have a better mindset in the morning. I need to be a bit more positive, for my son.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Looney Toons doesn’t get enough credit for introducing countless children to classical music

Source: reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee April 2020

Going back to last month, I mentioned that my ex wanted custody of my son. As it is, he gave up after a week because my son kicked off down his father's and said he wanted to stay with my mother.

So, I have moved in with my partner, and we have recently purchased a bed for my son to sleep down here sometimes (and my partner's daughter). Gotta be honest though, I'm struggling here. I don't feel like this is my home at all. I feel like I'm just a guest that permanently stays here and pays half the bills. I even get nervous using the utilities like the washing machine and tumble dryer, I feel like I'm using someone else's stuff (technically I am they're not mine, but my stuff is here as well).

What the fuck is wrong with me? I have a supportive partner, who wanted me to move in with him and build a life together. And here I am, feeling like I don't belong here. I felt like this in my mother's house, and I had lived there for 4 years before moving here. Have I just failed as a human being or what? When is this feeling of not belonging going to end? I don't know if it's my depression telling me to feel like this, but it's making me feel like shit. Nevermind being isolated because of the Coronavirus outbreak.

I don't know how to feel and think anymore, maybe it's just mental exhaustion, who knows? All I know at the moment is that I'm trying my best and nothing ever feels like it's good enough. My partner hasn't made me feel like this, just to clear that up for everyone, it's just me, and I don't know what to do to shake this feeling off. Hopefully my next entry next month will be a little bit more hopeful and happier.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Diary of Dee March 2020

So, what started off as an epic year (I left my abusive ex partner in April 2019, and had another boyfriend after him) has taken a grim turn of events. I split with my new partner in October 2019 (we were together nearly 6 months) and was caring for my best friend at the time as he is very ill with gastroparesis (he's peg fed). A couple of days after splitting with my new partner, my best friend poured his heart out to me telling me he loved me and has done for the past 2 years. Fast forward to the present day and me and my best friend have been together for nearly 6 months.

My mother had cancer last year, and had chemo and an operation to remove the tumours in her oesophagus. She had the all clear at the beginning of this year, which was a relief for us all. But, although she's in remission, she is still at risk with this Coronavirus pandemic. I'm a carer at a carehome, and I can't self isolate as I won't have a wage coming in otherwise, so made the decision to move in with my partner, which is about a 30 minute drive from my mum's house. My son wanted to stay with my mother for now, as he is settled where he is (I was living with my mother before I moved in with my boyfriend).

Anyway, 2 days ago, my brother rings me and tells me that my ex is going in for full custody of my son (we've already been to court, and I currently have full custody while he has access). I rang my ex up straight after the news, and did get myself in a bit of a state on the phone, but now my ex is accusing me of being abusive to him, which I wasn't. I only explained on the phone in my frantic state that I can't isolate so I can't be there with my mum coz she's at risk, and that my son didn't want to move to the new place with me as it's too far away from my mother and he's settled where he is.

My mother is now in bits as she thinks my ex will now get custody of my son. So, some facts everyone needs to know about this situation. My ex has never paid for my son all his life, would go months without seeing him and not so much as a phonecall to see how his son was doing. He didn't check up on his son when my mother was going through her cancer treatment, knowing fully well my son would be upset as he is close to my mother. When my son goes down his house, he doesn't give him much to eat and my son sleeps on a sofa. He tried to dress my son in clothes that were given to him, and they were too small for him.

This is now a worry for me, as I love my son to bits and I don't see why he should be uprooted from a place he considers home, just so his selfish father can try and afford a £700 a month house as he wants the benefits for my son (the same reason for the first custody battle, when he didn't want to work). Me and my partner are looking for a place near my mother, so that my son can be walking distance to go and see my mother whenever he wants. My ex wants to uproot my son to near him which is a 45 minute drive away from my mother's, and nowhere near my son's comprehensive school.

[pedanticgothgirl]

2019 Update

So I know I started a Diary of Dee, which I didn't update for a couple of months. I've had a lot to deal with these last couple of months, and I think I'm slowly plowing through them.

So, the boyfriend situation has taken an unexpected turn. He's gone from drinking loads to doing a complete U-turn on me. He's said it's because he becomes a horrible person on drink. So, he's cut down on it, and has kept his word these last couple of weeks. I don't know what to make of this as he's never thought about the abuse he gives me when he's drunk before. I've got a feeling it's something to do with LMW (little miss whore), as he's also given her abuse as well when drunk, to the point she's stipped speaking to him as much. In the meantime, he's lathered me with more attention and has become somewhat understanding with me. I don't know what to make of this as my gut is telling me that it's not for my benefit.

So, we both work at the same place, and there's another girl that messages him constantly. We'll call her ASB (attention seeking bitch). She likes and comments on all his social media posts and I've noticed he likes all her pictures as well (bearing in mind I've put pictures up and tagged him in stuff and not so much as a reaction). I've confronted him about her as well, but I just get the same reaction as LMW. This girl is engaged as well, with her own little family and lives near him, as does LMW.

My eating hadn't gone too well, I've relapsed again now that ASB is on the scene. I can barely eat one meal a day now, and I'm drink a load more Red Bulls to substitute my lack of meals. I'm trying my hardest but eating to get better doesn't have an appeal anymore. I just feel like letting my eating disorder take me, so that no one can hurt me anymore. I'm just surrounded by toxic people now, and don't see any other way out. I doubt anyone would miss me when I'm gone, so there's just no point in living anymore. I just get so paranoid and untrusting all the time, so there's no room for new friends anymore.

I can't help but shake the feeling that my boyfriend is looking to be with someone else. But rather than end the relationship, he'd rather cheat on me with other girls, hoping that something will blossom with one of them. All the while, keeping me in the background just in case nothing works out. I deserve better than this, but I don't see any other way out apart from letting my eating disorder take my own life.

[pedanticgothgirl]

Need To Unload My Thoughts

So, I know in the next coming weeks my October entry of the Dee Diaries is due. But, I've got so much on my mind at the moment that I need to get some stuff off my chest.

I've got in touch with an old friend of mine, who I lost touch with when I met my boyfriend. The fact that this friend still treats me with respect even though I chose my boyfriend over him is beyond me, but I'm happy to have him back in my life.

This month has been extremely hard, coping with my boyfriend's alcoholism. And LMW is back again, but only because my boyfriend is so adamant about remaining in contact with her and messaging her all the time. I can't deny that he's been more of himself to me these last couple of weeks, but she's still there in the background, haunting me.

Anyway, I've offloaded to my friend, and he's given me some food for thought (and this is without letting his feelings for me cloud his judgement). My boyfriend is nagging for us to move in together, and I've got my reservations about it. Being a mum, I've got my child to consider in all this as well. I don't want my child around my boyfriend when he is drinking/drunk. Then I keep thinking about why he wants to move in with me when he's adamant with keeping in contact with her.

I did question him about this, and his main concern is his home life (which in my opinion is not the right reason to be moving in with me). He then played it off with "we've been together for 4 and a half years, we should be living together now". I don't know whether to believe this or not as his actions tell me different. I really wanna believe him, but my gut is telling me not to.

I have discussed his alcohol issue with him, as it's now getting too much for me to handle. I can't physically be around him when he's drunk, I'm at risk of abuse or I'm babysitting him which in turn takes its toll on my mental health. Whenever we're together, I try to suggest going places which doesn't involve a pub, as I know, once he's had a pint, he's not gonna stop for the rest of the night.

Then there's the getting close to my friend bit. The more time I spend with my friend (he's 3 years older than me, and a lot more mature than my boyfriend), the more my feeling start getting confused. My boyfriend is 5 years younger than me, and he has no responsibilities at all. He's able to do as he pleases, without any consequences. Both me and my friend have a child (he has a daughter, who's a couple of years older than my son).

It's my friend that understands me as a mother, and he doesn't judge anything that I do. I get constant critisism from my boyfriend, who in my opinion doesn't have the right to judge as he's never been in our situation. And to top it all off, he always critisises the fact that I had a child with my ex at 21 years old. He says things like "well that was stupid", and says "did he promise you the world?" which makes me feel like shit.

I think I definitely need to make a decision by the end of this month, even my friend thinks this. I can't go on like this, going around in circles. Neither can I go on thinking that the main reasons for him wanting to move in with me are the fact that he doesn't think he can manage to run a place on his own, that I'll do coz LMW is with her partner (yes, I do truely believe this is the real reason), and that he wants to get out of his house that he lives in with his gran and mother. I don't think he even notices what he's saying half the time, but I do pick up on everything. And decorating it with the whole "we've been together for 4 and a half year" shit just isn't gonna cut it. And as a mum, I don't want my son going through the shit that I've gone through this past year.

[pedanticgothgirl]

The Dee Diaries - September 2018

Okay, so this entry is a little late, I appologise. There's been a lot going on this month, and I'm certain there's change brewing.

So, I've been at my new job for nearly 7 weeks, and I'm actually enjoying it (if you go back to the previous entry you will notice I said I'd never get back into the Care Industry again). While I'm not out to make friends in this care job, there are some pretty decent people there which makes the job a bit better than the last one. Yeah, there's the stereotypical bitching in some places, but overall, everything is peachy with my job. Just gotta focus on being more efficient at my job now, and getting more people ready in the time I have in the morning.

So, LMW rarely messages my boyfriend anymore, so my love life is a little easier. There's still the issue of the alcohol though, and the abuse that comes with it. Found out my boyfriend is just as much to blame, as someone in work said to him "now your girlfriend is working here, you can't flirt with other girls here now". Gotta be honest, that hit me like a tonne of bricks. How is everything meant to get better when he's part of the problem? Surely after four and a half years he'd learn to appreciate me a bit more and realise that his actions are hurting me? Any other girl would run a mile if they were in my position, but I believe in fighting for a relationship. If that makes me stupid, then so be it. All I know is, I'm not content in this relationship at the moment, and things from the past are still haunting me to this day.

I've had a load of bills to pay this month,so I've had to put my Nail Technician Level 3 course on hold. On the plus side, my phone is no longer cut off, so I feel in touch with the world again, which in turn is brightening my spirits a bit. The only downside - I'm now more prone to abuse. I'll take each day as it comes, there are ways to stop said abuse and I'm near the stage where I am gonna take those options soon. I love the fact that I've got my own wage coming in now, it means I'm not reliant on my boyfriend financially.

My ex is slowly becoming not interested in my son again, as he's had his daughter this month. People are saying she looks like my son did when he was a baby, but I disagree. While my son loves his sister, I can't help but feel as if his father is pushing for my son to come and live with him. Thank fuck for a court order!

All in all,I'm in a better state of mind this month. My weight is slowly gaining, and I'm keeping up to date with my eating. The only downside is my caffeine intake has gone through the roof. Still, it's better than alcohol. That shit destroys people's lives and relationships. I've been there once, I will not go there again.

Hopefully my next diary entry will be a bit happier than this one. And hopefully, my life will improve a bit more.

[pedanticgothgirl]

The Dee Diaries - August 2018.

So, I had an idea to document my life monthly. I don't know who will read it, or whether my diary entries will make a difference to someone's life (hopefully it will).

So, August 2018 has been an interesting month. I've just started a new job in the Care Industry (an industry I said I'd never get into again). Another downfall is that I'm working in the same home as my boyfriend. While my living from benefit to benefit and struggling (they stopped them for a week) has finally ended because I will now be bringing in a wage as well, I still feel like my life isn't going as planned.

My love life seems to be going a bit better, maybe too good considering what has happened this past year. The boyfriend drinks, and has a problem. That in itself is hard to deal with. Then to top it off, I'm competing with another girl (we'll call her Little Miss Whore, or LMW for short). Anyway, LMW seems to have taking to ringing my boyfriend rather than just messaging him. I feel we can't go anywhere as she's always there ( he may as well invite her with us since she wants to play third wheel). I feel like either way, I'm gonna lose him, whether it's to the drink or to LMW.

I've had an eating disorder since November 2017 (this was when I discovered LMW actually existed). I'm slowly putting the weight back on, as I lost over 2 stone. And while I feel I'm getting better each day, the problem that caused it is still very much right in front of me every single day. Am I depressed? Maybe. Do I honestly see anything changing anytime soon? No, I honestly don't. And I bet most of you are screaming at the computer screen "why don't you just leave him?". My answer - I think 4 and a half years is a hell of a long time to just "throw away". I'm one of these people that believes in fighting until you can't fight no more. While this might totally destroy me mentally, I still have to try. If I don't, then I will feel like a failure.

My music career is going from strength to strength, I have the one pupil at the moment but hoping word of mouth will get me more people wanting me to teach them. And with this care job, I'm gonna go and do a Level 3 Nail Technician course so that I can legally do acryllic nails in a salon. I love doing my own acryllics, and would love to do other peoples' nails too.

Also having trouble with the ex, I think he's trying to take my son off me again. He's keeping some of his clothes down there, and pretending he hasn't got them. He's also trying to get my son to agree that he wants to spend half the weeks down with him (the court order clearly states that I have custody and that he only has access on weekends). His new girlfriend is having his child (a half sister to my son), and yet he still doesn't pay for my son.

Haven't seen my friends much these last couple of weeks. With training for my new job, and other commitments, I really miss my girls. I really need to vent, and Facebook Messenger just ain't doing it for me. There's just some things that you can't write down. And there are times when you need girly conpany.

My next entry will be in September, and hopefully there will be a little bit of improvement in my life.