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[peetsplainjane]

The Toughest Year

Hey you, it’s 3:21 AM and it’s July 13. Its your birthday. You’ve been struggling to sleep for the past week and tonight’s no different. 

Reading back on my previous posts, the theme seems to be unrequited, almost lovers. My teens and early 20s were defined by James. In those years, I didn’t think I would meet anyone who I would like as much as I liked him. There were moments of sadness when I realized I was not the one he wanted and that hurt. 

And then Dan came along ...

Between my 2nd and 3rd year of medical school was when he entered into my life. Highs were high and lows were so very low. What I thought was pain from an unrequited love with James came nothing close to what I went through this year. 

So many tears shed, so many thoughts wasted, so many sleepless nights, including this one right now. For every emotion I went through, there was a Taylor Swift song that I could now finally relate to. 

Treacherous gave me the courage to pull him back in when he was unsure. 

Listening to Clean at 4:30 AM as I was driving to my peds rotation trying to be okay with the idea of not having him in my life. 

Back to You was our relationship. 

Being 25 had to be the toughest year to date for my emotional growth. There were a lot of growing pains this year - emotional lability 

Rotations were tough, figuring out what speciality I wanted to do though, was not. I will be the BEST DAMN OBGYN ever. 

Things occupying a lot of head space right now

[1] Letter of Recommendation

[2] Filling my rotations

[3] ERAS

[4] Needle stick injury

[5] Dan

[6] WOW I am getting old 

What I am looking forward to:

[1] Going to Beachwood 

[2] Prancing around and looking nice

[3] Studying all day uninterrupted 

[4] CHOOLAH! 

[peetsplainjane]

Fool's Gold

"Maybe I wasn't good enough to blow your mind, you know I tried."

This is how I feel with him. I tried and waited for so long, but I guess I wasn't enough for him. Everytime I meet someone amazing, I always think of him. When can I move on? I surely don't like him anymore, but there's always the lingering feeling of what if. I'd like to get some closure on this thing we have between us.

[peetsplainjane]

Untitled For Now

I'm not sure how I feel about him. For the first time in my life, things are easy. He's not complicated, he doesn't go too fast. He's nice, sweet, and simple. He makes me nicer when I'm around him, and I'm encouraged to take a step toward him. There are no games between us. I don't do things to "prove" myself to him. It's so nice and sweet. But there are no butterflies. I don't get nervous or anxious around him. My heart doesn't flutter. Am I being selfish? This is a wonderful person who likes me.

[peetsplainjane]

Medical School Update

I received an admissions update from Dartmouth. It wasn't a rejection, which I'm glad. It was instead a waitlist decision. In a way, that is a bit cruel. My hopes are dangled in front of me again. I get to hope for at least until May 15. I'm in the process of applying again. Maybe this time, I'll be more successful. I have to be.

[peetsplainjane]

Gap Year

At this point in the cycle, I really do believe I will have to reapply this spring and go through a gap year. UCI officially rejected me today, and I honestly thought I had a fair chance at making it into this school. Apparently, they didn't think so. The only school left is Dartmouth, and they're starting to send out waitlist email, so I think I can expect that or a rejection letter in the inbox soon. Do I really have what it takes to make it into medical school? It's too late to start something new, but that mountain seems too hard to climb.

[peetsplainjane]

Hope Is A Thing WIth Feathers

It's currently 7:46 PM | Saturday | 12/14/2013.

I am on my winter break. I have too much time on my mind. I have finally come to the conclusion that this cycle of applying to medical school is a total and complete utter failure.

The only redeeming quality was my interview invitation to Dartmouth, but that in itself is cruel. To dangle my future, have my hopes riding on a school, an ivy league school nonetheless.

Losing all hope was complete freedom. I am on my way to this path. Once there is no hope, once I give up, I will feel free. There's no way around it. I know I will be applying again next cycle. This time, I am more prepared and I will not be so foolish as to apply to too many top tier school.

The only thing keeping me from complete freedom is the shining beacon that is Dartmouth. How can I give up when there's a chance I get to go to this amazing school who knows how to treat their students and people? I am praying that they see something special in me and see that I am a good fit for their school. It would be absolutely devastating to be rejected from this school. I want to distance myself from this process to protect myself from being hurt, but not before a fight.

If anything, I will make sure that school knows I am dedicated and devoted to them. I will send them update letters, letter of interests, and ultimately a letter of intent.

4 years ago, I said rejection hurts and it still does. I keep praying and hoping that I will have somewhere to go next fall, but my subconscious is nagging at me, telling me this isn't true. Should I just give up hope and attain my freedom? Tell me now, so I don't become too disappointed.

[peetsplainjane]

The One Who Got Away

Michael Peng.

We had inorganic chem lectures together for 10 weeks, but I never noticed you. We were at the Physical Science Mentor Program meet-up, but I never knew.

It all changed though when you took a seat next to me in Molecular Bio Lab, and I was completely smitten with you since then.

But you have a girlfriend now, another girl in the same lab with us. She took the initiative to be forward and make it known she was interested, while I was passive and pushed you away with my incessant "you can go now". It wasn't because I disliked you, I just didn't want to waste your time and be a burden. I think the reason why you mean so much to me, even though our encounters were only 10 weeks long, was that the feelings and interest, for the first time was mutual.

And I will always be the one who lost out to a great guy like you. Props to your new GF for taking the steps I could never take.

[peetsplainjane]

To The Guy Who Always Sat in Front of Me ...

... in quantum mechanics, statistical analysis, thermodynamics, and inorganic chemistry discussion.

William Alan Brown, it was nice crushing on you my third year of college. I really enjoyed gushing over our non-existent encounters to my friend.

From the first time you talked to me, asking whether this was row J on our first stat analysis midterm, to that blissful morning where we ate breakfast together at the UROP symposium. I said hi, you said hi. You sneezed, I said bless you. I was dying on the inside.

I hope you're happy in your upcoming marriage. Thank you for making my year so fun.

Sincerely,

The girl who had a high school crush on you <3

[peetsplainjane]

21

So...I'm officially 21.

It hasn't really hit me that it's my birthday. Nancy just wished me happy birthday and Tiffany called me at 12:04 AM. I'm currently watching Inhyun's Man.

Reading back on my 20th birthday post, a lot has changed. My fears about grades and MCATs are far behind. I'm applying to 33 medical schools, hoping I get into one. I'm over him like I wanted to be. Another year has come and gone.

This next year, I'm really going to do everything I wanted. It's my last year of college. I want to go to Knott's Scary Farm, meet a wonderful guy who gives me butterflies when I see him, makes me blush when I gush to my friends about him, and finally go on a real date with him. I'd like to join a sorority. For my last year of college, I'd like to experience a real college life.

My family and 5 best friends are amazing. I have such strong women in my life. I'm in a good place right now.

[peetsplainjane]

Mid Quarter Motivation

You're approaching the 7th week of the quarter. You did good on the 1st inorganic chemistry midterm. The next midterm is next Monday. Keep up the hard work and continue to study diligently. You did very well on the quantum mechanics midterm, 93.5/100, so continue to do well on the re-take this Friday. This is your chance to show what you know. Even though it's only a GE, you got the highest score on your anthropology midterm, so good job!

Continue to do your best. Keep studying and don't lose that motivation and drive. Don't get lazy and putting things off thinking you have time, because you don't. Don't drop the ball this quarter. Try to raise that GPA so you can be competitive.

Start studying for the MCATs. Set up a schedule and keep to it. Studying will help ease this anxious feeling you keep having.

Most importantly, believe in yourself. Know that you are worth it, that you are good enough for whatever dreams you have, that you have what it takes. All you need is to put in hard work. Harden that self resolve you have and once you get started, everything will be easier. Static friction is greater than kinetic friction, so just get the wheels going. You can do it. I know you can. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but this doesn't mean it's impossible. Don't compare yourself to anyone; it'll only make you feel inefficient when you're not. Believe in yourself, because if you don't, how can you convince anyone?

Don't drop the ball. Even though it's late in the quarter, get working.

[peetsplainjane]

There is nothing sexier than a man wearing a dress shirt, and having his sleeves rolled up.

[peetsplainjane]

We Can Finally Be Friends Now

                            I am a true believer that guys and girls cannot be friends

... if there is attraction between them.

I am no longer attracted to you. After 7 long years hiding behind the mask of this friendship ridden with hidden, unspoken attraction, I can finally, genuinely, sincerely be your friend, no agenda involved.

This is good because we're going to see each other more often now, and I don't want to be awkward around you. I really like you as a person and not a guy now. It's too bad nothing ever happened between us, because as far as I know, we share the same sense of humor. I love talking to you and spending time with you. You were the closest person to my ideal type. I guess we can enjoy each others company under no pretense now.

#james

[peetsplainjane]

Comfort vs Attraction

I've been trying to figure this out the entire quarter and have yet to find an answer. I've been spending too much time with you, but the time is rarely just between us. I'm getting confused and have no idea where my feelings for you come from comfort or attraction. Do I look forward to going to class at 8AM and seeing your face? Yes. Do I get flustered when you turn to me and smile? I don't know. Do I have butterflies in my stomach when I'm around you? Sometimes. Do I feel awkward and sense tension when it's just the two of us? Definitely. Do you make me feel absolutely safe and taken care of? Always. Does this mean I'm attracted to you though? And if I am, do I want something to happen between us?

There are moments when I feel you might like me. How you would turn to me in the middle of lecture and give me a smile, sneak a comment here and there while the professor's talking, remember the smallest detail about me. I like those moments between us.

...and then there are the moments where you make jokes about my personal life, cheapening my value and dignity as a girl by making me out to be easy and casual when you clearly know I'm not. How I sense your jealousy and protectiveness at the mention of any other guy in my life. How I often stop mid-sentence because you seem to lose interest in what I have to say. How we seem to have nothing in common, from our taste in music, our sense of humor, and our core values. Not to mention that huge,crazy baggage you call your "bro-friend".

It's week 7 of fall quarter, 3rd year, and I still haven't figured whether what I'm feeling for you is due to comfort or attraction.

#david

Update: I just read this and wanted to gag. I can't believe I ever thought I liked you. #regret #canwepretendthisdidn'thappen

[peetsplainjane]

Friendzoned

I really hate this term. Enough Said.

This term places blame on the person who's on the receiving end of unwanted affections."She friend-zoned me."or"He friend-zones me."It's not their fault they can't see you as someone more than a friend. It's not an active decision; as if people sit down and categorize guys or girls in their lives as friends or potential significant others.

There was just no chemistry. Deal with it. Get over it. Move on.

#jeff

[peetsplainjane]

Spring Forward, Fall Back

Am I just denying it? Am I refusing to accept the reality because I'm not comfortable with change, with accepting someone new, with leaving behind someone old? If this is the case, then I've been in denial since October 1st. Seems like fall is the new spring. #david #ochemlabpartner

[peetsplainjane]

Farewell

To my future self,

I'm spending your last minutes in my teens on the balcony just breathing in the night air after a summer shower. In 19 minutes, I will turn twenty, and I'm probably experiencing a bittersweet feeling, thinking this is a final farewell to a part of my life.

I'm a true believer of doing things when you still can. Once you reach an age, you can no longer do things or wear stuff you used to be able to do a couple of years ago. I have to say, there were a lot of regrets in my teen years, but I am determined that once I turn 20, i'm going to live without regrets and the lingering regrets I have from my teens, I will let go of them. There's nothing more foolish than regrets, so it's best to forget. Forget about him and move on. I am going to live my twenties to their fullest.

I am going to focus my immediate efforts on preparing for the most important exam I will take thus far. I am going to make the best of my remaining college experience. I am going to be happy. I am going to spend the first moment of my 20s the same way i spent my last moments of my teens.

Sincerely,

NINETEEN year old self

[peetsplainjane]

What is this feeling?

I'm really supposed to be studying for my ochem midterm, but I just keep thinking about this person. I wonder whether I like him or not, and the confusion I'm feeling right now is overwhelming. He's not the type I usually go for. Just based on his physical appearance, I'd never give him a second look, but getting to know him, he's a really awesome guy; one of the best. Let's just wait and see how this ends. #david