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I'm so freaking happy how I can do more reconnecting, rather that disconnecting people in my life for this several weeks. I realized that keeping my self away from people by never get in touch again with them is my worst habit. Some people just so sick of it and left, but some people just so kind and keep telling me to not be that kind of person who (seems like) never be grateful for anyone who came into my life. Well, still a lot more to do, a lot more apologizing and reconnecting to do hehe

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Crumbling

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The hardest part of this phase is the fact that you have no one to listen to your hateful and boring stories

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By the way, do you know the joys of being alone, walking alone, lying in the sun alone?

Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice (via pipfindlay)

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Im glad that you're happy and falling in love

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So... this is shit

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Sebelumnya

Sebelum ini, pernah datang seseorang yang begitu baik dalam hidupmu kemudian kamu membiarkan pergi. Mungkin lebih tepatnya, kamu yang menyuruhnya pergi. Ketidakkuasaanmu untuk memperjuangkannya membuatmu mudah menangis. Harapanmu agar dia memperjuangkanmu seterusnya ternyata tidak terjadi. Bukan disebabkan karena dia tidak melakukannya, tapi kamu sendiri yang tidak membuka pintunya.

Dan kamu mengharap pintu itu diketuknya. Asumsi.

Hingga hari berganti. Kamu menyadari mungkin yang seperti itu tidak akan pernah datang lagi. Sembari belajar, bahwa hidup itu harus selalu siap berjuang. Juga selalu siap untuk jatuh. Sembari mengerti, bahwa kesempatan yang baik bisa datang kapanpun. Tidak peduli kita siap atau tidak.

Hingga hari berganti. Kamu menyadari kamu telah menyia-nyiakan waktu terbaik yang dihadiahkan seseorang untukmu. Dan itu adalah hal yang sangat berharga baginya.

©kurniawangunadi

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Illustration by Guy Billout

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I don’t need you to fix me. I don’t need you to save me. I am happy. Accept the fact that what brings me joy might bring you misery.

A.C. Thain (via wnq-writers)

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The talk

... She told her father, "Eventually, everything will come to an end. And unfortunately, this thing, the most uncertain thing in my life yet I feel so much fun with it, is reaching to the edge of sligthly-awkward-ending. I know, nothing could ever stop everything that have destined. I'm pretty sure what's meant to be, meant to be. What should be bloom, will be bloom. And maybe we're just not. And it never will. Right.". Bold and cool such a big girl. Then, she thought, "For a million times, it will always be my fault. And it kinda was. I'm this kind of human-being that surrounded by gray cloud of sadness and self-loathing. Nothing good comes from those package. But it's okay, I'm used to it. Playing those butterflies like an expert" Noise in her head singing, "Well, I'm not really okay. It would be nice if there's no 'end' word. But, what's your deal to forbid those word come into your life?" Her father said, "Time matters. Time heals". And he sang Aubrey with his black acoustic guitar, hauntingly beautiful. ...

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Zadie Smith at the New Yorker Festival, 10/7/16

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Two empty chairs in an empty room.

Silent.

Not a sound. Not even a movement.

Even the air is trapped, circling around the room, not a chance to see the world.

They used to be there, talking for hours. Talking about current issues, serious matters or just some crap they found interesting.

Two empty chairs – the witness of what once they called magic.

In those chairs, starring at each other’s eyes, having conversation, sometimes over tea or just water. She preferred sparkling one, though.

And one day, she thought that it was enough. She found the room was no longer offering things they need. The room just lost its meaning. The room bored her.

“Why?” he asked. “This room is perfect. We got everything we need. We have each other. In this room, nothing matters but us.”

“That exactly what the problem is.” She answered, looking at her own fingers. Playing with it as if that was the most interesting thing she could do at the moment.

“I don’t think I get what you mean.”

“You see, in this room, we got nothing but us. We got only these two chairs and these plants that about to die in about… I don’t know how much the plants would last, but it sure will die in a flash…

I feel trapped. I feel I should explore the world, see new things, learn. I got you, I see. You know a lot, you are like a walking encyclopedia. You are a paper printed fresh in the morning to be enjoyed with a cup of coffee. But, you will soon run of things to talk about, we will soon run out of topic. This room is a poison. It is comfortable, but we will never grow as human. We have each other, we love each other, but it’s not enough.”

“So what you want to do is go out of this room and leave me?”

“You can go with me, we can go see the world together. The real world!” She felt so excited that she was shaking.

“I don’t think I want to leave this room.” He looked blankly at the ceiling. “But, who am I to force you to stay. You can go.”

“I am sorry, dear. I just…”

“I understand. No need further explanations.”

With an empty hand, she left. Not a glance of hesitation. Not even looking back, she left.

He sat alone in the room. Thinking.

Each day, he would stare at the plants. Talked to them. Murmuring what on his mind.

The room ate him slowly. His body was gone. Vanished to a place no one could find a name.

The room is now empty. Leaving nothing but two chairs, two dead plants, and story of two people that once shared the intimacy.

– Naela Ali, October 2016

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Another moment when you don't feel a thing, even only a tiny spark. Forgive me, myself

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The Dream

by Ben Jonson

Or scorn, or pity on me take, I must the true relation make, I am undone to-night: Love in a subtil dream disguised, hath both my heart and me surprised, Whom never yet he durst attempt t'awake; Nor will he tell me for whose sake He did me the delight, Or spite; But leaves me to inquire, In all my wild desire, Of Sleep again, who was his aid, And Sleep, so guilty and afraid, As since he dares not come within my sight.

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taken from favorite film that i’ve seen for dozen of times: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (2004)

i realized that life is all about letting go ー letting go our own egos that we are willing to make certain amount of efforts and energy to take the risks & accept the good/bad circumstances that might happen for the one we love. letting go also means that sometimes no matter how much you thought you’ve put efforts into it, certain things are just not meant to be.

but, then again, “in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” if it’s meant to be, things will be just great… eventually.

#eternalsunshineofthespotlessmind #randomthoughts #sleeplessnightbelike

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"Kadang kita perlu duduk sejenak merangkul diam, tidak terperangkap masa lalu, tidak juga mengembara ke masa depan" (dalam Sadar Penuh Hadir Utuh)