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There’s two parts of me One is someone who loves unconditionally And the other knows her worth One will be there to remind you of your strengths and get you through And the other, well, that I don’t know She’s only shown up on occasion

She comes out when there’s an exciting thing to work on Or when an empowering song comes on When she’s surrounded by energy, love, and laughter When she sees animals, babies, and hears birds I think she might be the meaning of Life An the other is Fear

If I had to guess, this girl... You’re going to want her on your team But I wonder if she’ll be too busy focusing on herself To cherish her friends and family and You

If I had to guess, this other girl If you’re having a hard time if you’re crying if you’re complaining If you’re angry If you’re depressed If you’re not loved If you’re ashamed if you’re Lonely If you’re motivated If you’re hopeful If you’re finally happy She’ll say she remember those moments And she’ll say it’ll pass And in the back of her mind She knows the two of us are just the same person

When there’s highs, I think the lows have finally passed And when there’s lows, I remember the highs

These two parts of me are tides at the beach Reflecting the magentas, oranges, and violets of the sky One is tiding in and the other tiding out If you allow it Both will unite in solidarity The sound of these wave are powerful but calm

And I think this girl She represents happiness

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The year 2020...Man what a crazy roller coaster of a life. There’s the Covid-19 pandemic with quarantining, the Black Lives Matter social movement, I just started nursing school...this has been the most curveball year ever.

I had stopped journaling a long time ago and the reason is because I didn’t want to face the true thoughts I had about my life and address reality. I wanted to make excuses for myself or other people and just leave it at that. I was adverse to taking stances because stances meant I would need to take action. And leaving things behind for higher grounds is something that scared me because...maybe I didn’t want to go it alone. I only have so much confidence before uncertainty triumphs. 

I think it’s time to be deliberate about my life. I’m going to make plans, work hard, not be afraid or looking stupid or mean or naive. 

Feeling: scared. excited. doubtful. anxious. proud.

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These couple of weeks I feel like was spent stressing about work, clubbing/dancing, going home really late at night, and watching an unhealthy amount of videos about murder mysteries, etc.

I feel like I’m in a rut.

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Tonight, as I was studying, I got a text from Victoria saying that she just got into an argument w/ her boyfriend and can I pick her up from the airport (I didn’t even know people were allowed to use their cell phones as the airplane is flying...). Anyways, after helping my dad bring down Rose’s car after her oil change, I started heading over. She calls me as I’m enroute to tell me that her bf wanted to see her and talk it out tonight. So I turned the car around and went to FoodsCo to buy a frozen SaraLee cheese cake to indulged at home.

It depressed and scared me to hear that she’s been arguing with him again because I just think back to my past relationship and I worry that she’ll meet the same bad fate of meeting that type of terrible guy that would make her go thru sadness, pain, and resentment. But it’s like no matter what, a friend is helpless against this stuff. She’ll have to go thru her own tribulations and I can just hope that she’ll come out the other side with a good man. It’s a fear of my mine that one of us might fall for a non-worthy guy that drowns people in hardship and bullshit.

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Friday night, Lucy hosted squad night. We dined on Filipino food at Chibog, went bowling at Sea Otter Bowling, and then got Halo Halo at Lucky Chances Casino (since that was the only place open at 1am). Filipino food is a nice change from the usual east asian foods we eat. I especially like garlic rice, Kare Kare sauce curry soup, and the Sisig was not bad either. The bowling place had all the top 100 hits playing under disco store lights which made me want to dance. And it was the first time I tried Halo Halo. I love it because I love love love beans and fruit and crunchy ice super much. 

After Amy dropped Diana off and then dropped me at my house, we waited for David to pick Kathleen up. The three of us talked about what had happened at Leo’s bday celebration and I’m just happy I decided to listen to my intuition and not go. They spell trouble.

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Reminder to self: don’t be stingy with compliments

This week has been busy since my test is first midterm is coming up. 

This past week was kind of rough too because people just made all sorts of demands...but I think my mindset was a bit better during the work week because on Sunday, Linda said, “Jade, I keep thinking that whoever marries you would be so fortunate. You’re a really hard worker and really good too. The way you treat people very caring.” It boggled my mind because often times, I feel like I’m a robot just trying to find out what the next course of action is instead of sympathizing and small talk. Looks like compliments can go a long way. For the rest of the day went by smoothly and pleasantly and the boss went out and bought us boba drinks. It feels good for someone to say they notice something great in you.

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Mom said something that makes me conflicted. When Mom mentioned to Dad that our bathroom sink was clogged, Betty piped in and said I had already unclogged it. So mom says, “This is why Jay is going to be successful. She’s not afraid of taking the short end of the stick. She does things without complaining about fairness.”

I’m not sure I know what she means. I’m far from successful and I don’t know how doing dirty work will get me places. I spend two evenings last week unclogging the sink, scrubbing the toilet and the bathtub, and cleaning the counters and tiles. I basically did it for me because I didn’t want mom to worry about it and I don’t want to live a messy life. Because brushing my teeth at a cloggy sink ruins my mood. I didn’t really think about why can’t other people do it because I knew I could do it and so I did it.

Am I the kind of person that would take the short end of the stick? Is it sometimes beneficial? What would a successful life look like to me?

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Today was mom’s lunar new year bday. We finally got a chance to sit together as a family to feast. Usually it’s dad that calls us and tells us to buy food for her birthday because it falls on a different day of the year depending on the lunar calendar. Rose went out to get some of her favorite foods including duck and durian. 

Our family dynamic is so strange. Rose is the one that has a big heart, generous but stingy, and yells at everyone (except me). Betty compliments and insults the food and asks a bunch of questions of people. Dad tell fables and tries to distribute food so everyone eats a lot. Mom questions our work and love lives. I’m the joker who exaggerates about being a victim of Betty’s bullying and the grief of poverty.

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The week went by in such a blur.

Memorable: on Monday went to mediation at Grace Cathedral. As I was lining up, it felt a lot like I was in line for a bougie homeless shelter because everyone had blankets and yoga mats for laying down. It was an interesting experience. It was Amy, Vic, Aaron, me, and amy’s coworker, Ray. I love the weird warping sound of the gong as well as the monocord because those sounds actually brought me to a state of trance for a bit. Also, since I had been watching a drama about a mermaid, I kept seeing key scenes at random times of my mediation. This really brought me back to Music 10-World Music class where we would play instruments and produce our own music with really culturally different instruments.

On weekend, watched a movie musical called The Greatest Showman with Kathleen and Diana. I liked mainly because of the music (and Zac Efron). It’s based on the history of P.T. Barnum who opened up the first circus that showcased oddities (like super short Asian man, an extremely hairy but busty woman, and a freakishly tall Irishman). The music was really enjoyable because they’re about relatable life dilemmas we all face. The only thing missing was sympathy for the “hero” of the movie. I never saw myself cheering him on bc quite honestly, he seemed like a egocentric douchebag to me.

Tuesday night was Soc class and the instructor put up controversial pics up like Rosie the Riveter, the Bible, the Mexican Border, etc. we’re supposed to put ourselves in the shoes of the different cultures and see what the picture represents to each. It was eye opening for me even though it’s a simple concept. For example: Rosie can be thought of as a symbol of women’s strength and economic capabilities and womens’ lending support to patriotism. However, minorities may have looked at that picture and thought, “urmm...we’ve been working our asses off and toiling for years...” Rosie also represents a “second shift” phenomenon where women are expected to join the workforce as well as maintain the household, rear children, etc. There’s a bit of inequality if you look at it from different lenses.

Anyway, work is super busy like always and coworkers be out sick. Aiyas hope the rest of the week is better

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To do:

Make awesome awesome fruit and nut energy bars, wrap up meaty juicy sandwiches and go hiking with our loot the next day

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Energy bar ingredients:

Chopped almonds

Cranberries

Honey

Chipped Crystallized ginger?

Toasted sesame seeds

Popped amaranth

Chia seeds

Pumpkin seeds

Sea salt

+Maybe small bits of white chocolate/dark chocolate

(Also, ingredient to be in sandwiches: a bit of cranberry sauce >_<)

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Saturday: Lucy diana jacky and i wine tasting at wine country to celebrate Lucy’s bday. We had a taste of fancy cheese in late and sparking wines, and a taste of ghetto picnic with more wine, cheese, and some ham. Then we had a night walk at downtown Yountville, had pho in Richmond, and then headed to Cold Tea Bar for boba and a long fun game if Cards Against Humanities. I laughed until I cried 😂 (me and Diana tied bc we’re naturally hilarious)

Sunday: Work as usual. Had a very interesting convo with my Uber driver about what she learned now that she was on her second marriage. At work, had a talk with boss about my original goals and if they’re bring met. Linda is back from China and she had a bunch of traditions chinese snack foods like dry persimmon, sows ear crackers, some ginger candies, and a thermal shirt. She’s so sweet...At the the office, Ellie and I discussed food all day. Bought 4 bags of veggies so fam can eat. Felt very strange on the bus ride home since I was in a dress and nice jacket holding overflowing veggies, more than I could carry

Monday: just sucked. Was so dang busy. Don’t even want to talk/think about it.

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Eek been so busy! Was listening to Tai Gonzalez on YouTube and he told a story of how you could be hacking away at trees, to forge a path to a city, very efficiently and viciously only to discover that the true goal was in the opposite direction. Imagine how scary that sounded to me because I’ve been having some doubt lately..

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I’m thinking about my childhood and how it kind of sucked. But I’m so grateful that it made me into the person I am today...

When I was younger, it was so easy to think that nobody cared about me. Some immediate memories I had when I was a child are: waking up when I was maybe 4 or 5 and seeing that no one at all was home. I immediately start to cry and ran to the front door and started crying and banging the door. My aunt who lived in the unit next to ours finally opened my door and let me in her place. I just huddled in the corner thinking at least I’m not alone. 

Another memory is of me in pre-school just waiting for my sister for mom to come. We were always the last to leave and the pre-school teachers were always saying in distain that if she didn’t come soon, they would drop us at the police station. I don’t even remember what I did when I got home; what I recalled most days is kneeling on my hands and knees just watching a trail of ants and getting them to crawl on my finger.

Then when I was in 3rd and 4th grade, mom would pick my sister and I up from the after school program and bring us to the bus stop to take the bus home by ourselves. In summer school before 5th grade, I waited an hour for dad to come get me after my 1st or 2nd day of school. I finally got too cold and tired of waiting that I decided to walk home. I got lost and when I finally got home, dad watching the tv and when I told him what happened, he said he forgot like it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t have much expectations by that age. It was just disappointment.

When I started middle school, I would go home and let myself in the house. I would do dishes, make rice, and then just watch tv. Thinking back, I wonder where the rest of my family was. I was usually alone and forgotten. If you asked me to describe those days, it would be this: I felt very alone. I felt like just the poor girl who had holes in her dress shirts and broken Payless shoes. My parents wouldn’t even know if I didn’t come home until 11pm. I remember one time I was with my sister and we ended up getting lost trying to come home. A stranger took us home and we finally did come home around 11pm. When we got home, all mom said was, “come eat.” I remember feeling relieved because we didn’t get in trouble -but i was also felt a sense of disappointment that she had no idea that we weren’t home for all that time.

The last time I cried was maybe 4 or 5 months ago. That was when I was standing in front of my Human Development class for a presentation and telling everyone about this childhood. The professor asked since my parents were so absent, did I have a role model to look up to. I don’t believe I had anyone to call a role models. He said that It seemed that my life was very unstructured and do I look for structure now. Yes, I do. I’m the type that usually don’t want to start a movie unless it’s a happy ending; I don’t want to read a book unless I take a peek at the last page; and I don’t surprises. The first time my friends threw me a surprise bday party, I felt very uneasy. Sadly, I still don’t feel I have much discipline. I felt a bit of cognitive dissonance when I was telling my story. But when I was talking about present day me, I started tearing up because of the exhaustion I felt with all of life. And then when I to Zedd, I was bawling again on a friend’s shoulder because of that same overwhelming feeling of being tired of working so hard, tired of not knowing, and tired of feeling alone in it all.

Inspite of everything, I know that I am the way I am today because of a few more memories:

-I was probably in 3rd grade. Mom and I went to the doctor because I had a pink eye. They prescribed eyedrops and when we got home, mom told me to lie down so she could put them in my eyes. I really found eyedrops dreadful and she kept fighting me telling me to just do as she said. I squirmed away from her and into another room. When I went back to peek at her, she was crying on the bed. I got so scared that I went back in the room, got the eyedrops, and went to the kitchen so that I could put them in my eyes.

-I wanted attention so I kept tugging on the sleeve of my distracted dad as he was watching tv. With enough begging, he turned away from the tv to pick me up and walk me around the bedroom as I laughed when he pretended to walk through doorways to knocked off and probably suffer conclusion lol. 

-I’m maybe 7 and mom was crying as she hit us children with a coat hanger. She was super angry over something my sisters (or my sisters and I did). I remember feeling really confused about why she was hitting us. It scared me just as much to see her cry than to be hit.

It’s hard for me to think of the kind of person I am and what kind of flaws I have. I know all too well the personal flaws I’m worried about the unconscious and well disguised ones that would lead me in the wrong direction. I’m very grateful to my parents who did the best they could. Ultimately, even though most of the time I didn’t feel cared for, I knew that my parents did care. That was probably my saving grace. I know all too well that I didn’t grow up in an ideal environment but I wonder how much my childhood influenced the person I am today and whether there are things I can work on to become a truer, happier, and freer version of myself. 

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This weekend:

Friday: work was work.

(got super interested in Munchausen syndrome by proxy and stayed up super late watching documentaries about it -_-)

Saturday: work was work. 

(arrived to work and forgot that the doctor was out and me and Anna had a pretty chill day. Went to lunch at Finns and we had bomb sautéed spicy string beans. It’s my new fave dish there.)

At night Amy, Vic, and I went to the new donburi place called Kaisen Don. Hella good!!!! I loved it because they has unlimited amount of sushi wrap and I love that stuff. Yummy...crazy how much I crave sashimi all the time now. Then Amy all of a sudden wanted to watch a movie so after dinner, we went to Cool Tea Bar, grabbed some bobas, and bounced over to Century. We watched the Disaster Artist. It was a comedy semi biographical movie about the writer/producer of the movie “The Room” which is famous for how truly bad it was. I kept waiting for to follow into an inspiring story line but it never really came...Overall, I liked the movie bc of course, I love thinking about people’s psyches and I kept wondering what in the world the main character, Tommy, was thinking. He was very odd.

Sunday: Thank gosh I have the day off. Went to grocery outlet to buy study snacks to prepare for the day. First me and Amy gymed at YMCA and then went to boba place to get shit done. Finally finished a practice essay! Rose woke me up when she came home since I fell asleep in her bed listening to audiobook. We caught up with each other. One friend is getting engaged so she and her friends partied all through the weekend. Another is really dissatisfied with her relationship.

Rose: “If a guy really likes you, he would put you as priority. If you text him at 5am and say you want In-n-Out, even if In-n-Out is closed, he would come get you to bring you there.” Me: “Uh...doesn’t that mean he’s stupid.” Rose: “No, even if he knows it’s closed, he’ll just say, ‘ok, I’ll bring you there’ just to spend time with you”

Me: “If a guy likes you, when he buys something and ends up really liking it, he would want to buy you one too.” Rose: “Like what?” Me: “Like if he really liked one of those insulated water bottle and thinks it’ll be useful to you.” Rose: “Who bought you a water bottle?” Me: “Nobody....That story was: He bought a water bottle, and he liked it. End of story.” Rose: “Oh.”

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My weekend: 

Saturday: Work was extremely slow. Linda is away in China so I was working with only Ellie and Anna. It was pretty fun the end of the year since there were a lot of cases to double check to make sure we filed claims with insurance. But now that it’s the beginning of the year, it’s back to the unpredictable days where some days are slow and some days are busy busy busy. Saturday was pretty slow and lots of time, I just feel like there were too many of us. 

Afterwork is when life begins :D. Since I end at about 5:30pm, when Chinatown starts closing shop, I have 30 mins to get super cheap produce. I ended up buying some variety of spinach, and a bag of bananas. I was very proud to go home and brag to my dad and mom that I bought a bag of 14 bananas for $1. I bumped into my 2nd great aunt and she asked me what my sisters were doing and do I have a boyfriend and if I want to go to China with her in August. She is the one that named me and Rose and also the one that had introduced my mom and dad to each other. She told me that she did a lot for my parents; without her, my family and my extended family all would not be here, my parents would not be married, and my sisters would not exist. She said she even went to Hong Kong to pick escort my parents from China to come to America because she was scared since they were peasants/villagers, they would get lost (they definitely probably would have). I wrote my number in her small little phonebook and she said we should talk some time.

Ate some dinner, went to betty’s room to chat about random stuff about the economy, and business ideas, and then showered and went for wine and cheese party with Diana, Jacky, and Harrison. It was really fun chatting away eating meats, cheese, and drinking white and red wine. The impromptu casual “snack” still felt very luxurious.. Harrison’s kitchen is just so homey and spacious. I feel like it’s becoming a bigger and bigger dream of mine to have a warm and inviting kitchen and dining area where guests could lounge on soft plush couches, with something baking in a stainless steel oven, fruit in a big wooden bowl on the counter to munch on, and a dining room table to sit at to share a hearty home made meal and make cheer and celebrate small life victories. Anyways, we played a game of Catan, a boardgames where you strategize on building estates and cities and pretty much earning victory points (I lost badly). Then we just chatted away about random stuff on the couch and then toured the house and ended up in Harrison’s room to talk more. I got home at about 2:20am and went straight to bed. 

Sunday: Only me and Ellie worked on Sunday and it was really chill. It felt nice actually because I had enough work to at least not be super bored. It’s so crazy but a patient came in and said hey like she knew me. And then I said hey like I knew her and we both figured out that we both went to the same high school but It’s weird that we even recognize each other at all because we actually don’t know each other, never talked to each other, etc. Strange how those things work and how the unconscious mind just remember people you’ve encountered even if you don’t consciously “remember.” Anyways, she came in for contact lens fitting and my gosh, it was super frustrating to teach her how to put contacts in. I thought that one other women (with a power of 800 or 900!) was hard but this was almost just as bad! Her eyelid muscles were so damn strong that she managed to never be able to control them. Super hard to teach her to put them in and take them out. I was sad I didn’t get to do more pre-testing because that’s my favorite. Long story short, when I got home, I was already exhausted. Dad fed me porridge with chicken and veggies, and I just went to bed around 9pm and woke up at 7:50am. Yes, Slept for about 11hrs (and I was late to work the next day. some things never change T_T).

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2018

Argh so this year didn’t quite get off to a productive start...I’m making it a goal to reflect everyday--and I’ve already skipped the first 5 days of the year. 

Brainstorm of goals for 2018 in no particular order:

1) Blog about 3x/wk 2) Declutter my possessions (especially those darn nicknacks that are semi-useful) 3) Drink more green tea (I got a fancy kettle for my bday) 4) Use less money on fast/junk food 5) Steer towards high clothes that make me feel good 6) Hit the bottom of the pot of my new Korean skincare products 7) Wear makeup more often to work (which means I have to sleep early to wake up early 8) Listen to music and podcasts on my phone less often so I can calmly focus on my priorities

BIG PROJECT GOALS: 1) Learn more Chinese (listen to Chinese podcast, read easy books, etc) 2) Renovate house (decluttering/donations). I want a nice kitchen to cook but I’m going to have to convince sisters to chip in for new granite counters, cupboards, and stove) 3) Get some kind of clinical experience where I actually touch patients, and not just computers, phones, paper, pens, and machines.

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I’ve been thinking about my goals for 2018 and realized that there are still somethings I need to close out for 2017!

1. Get my sunglasses before insurance vanishes

2. Declutter my work bag and car

3. Return those clothing items I don’t like

4. Fold that pile of laundry

5. Cash in accumulated bundles of checks

2017 definitely has been a year of tribulation combined with fun and laughter. I met so many new people and learned so much. Overall, I would consider this year to be an extremely successful year. With that said, 2018 please be good to me, too😭