pepperpotsstark

[pepperpotsstark]

Akhirnya ngerasain rasanya hampa dan nggak ingin hidup lagi. Semua cahaya kayak ditarik lenyap sama keputusan egois yang dibikin sama orang yang aku harapkan. I've been long gone. Aku hidup tapi dengan jiwa yang mati.

[pepperpotsstark]

Been a while since the last time I post here. This time still the same story, the same person. My colleague I've told before. Peach, that's a name I gave him. I will not spill his actual name even one day he'll found this blog and story. It's almost 3 months we're being close to each other. Still in the casual thing. In my last post I was saying how cold my heart be even he's being so warm to me. Now, that feeling grow bigger and hard to resist. I swear I try my best not to being carried away by this casual things. That's so hard.

Few weeks ago we've had an argument and end up me crying alot (ofc), and he's being so much cold to me. Everything has changed. And in that moment I felt like I almost lost him. But then I'm trying to reach him even tho not only once I got rejected and being pushed away. Indeed, I said we're better taking care of our own business then to bring those problems to whatever this relationship could be called. And he did it. But, I'm crying alot because I can't being left alone here with all those memories while he act like he's done with me.

Now, those hard days passed. Things got better. Me, still playing hard to get ofcourse. But he treat me way better than before. I mean not just basic things like asking my condition, greeting good morning, calling me "my love", etc. This time he's really taking care of me. He's checking on me, even showing up his jealousy (a lil bit and not really clear, ofc). His touch felt different, his embrace and kiss felt like he love me already. I'm saying this based on what I feel. And now, I feel scarier than before. I can't lose him.

This is sad to me because I know there's a lot of obstacle in front of us. Our religion in the first thing. And our financial condition at the other thing. I'm scared to lose him again, to lose someone I cherised to be in my life. I don't know if I'm ready to let him go while God doesn't pleased of us being together. I have prayed alot, almost every night before I sleep to strengthen my heart, to not let me drowning too deep into him. But, heart and logic can out of sync many times. My logic said we should end it before too late, my heart said we could have a happy marriage and raised our cute children together. Imagination, always good to be in it. But, we live in real life.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm in love with him. My enemy. My troublemaker. I still figure it out, how not too getting attached to him so I don't hurt my heart so badly (anymore) if in the end we couldn't be together.

[pepperpotsstark]

Nyari batik ijo ku yang pengen kupake ke gereja buat natalan besok. Tapi nggak ketemu, but I remember I use it once. Jadi kucari di gugel foto, dan seperti biasa selalu kedistract ngeliatin foto lama. Then I realize, that I've spent these 5 years literally on my own. Ternyata aku sekuat itu. Ternyata aku setegar itu ngelaluin hidup yang full of shit ini. Sendirian, merangkak tertatih-tatih buat survive. Bahkan momen spesial kayak sekarang yang supposedly dihabiskan dengan keluarga selalu kulalui sendirian. Meski tahun ini puji Tuhan ada Karsten's family yang bikin natalku lumayan berwarna.

Aku kok bisa ya berjalan sendirian selama ini? Ya aku tau sih ini nggak lain nggak bukan karena Tuhan yang selalu ngeliatin aku, mengasihi aku. Jadi nggak dibiarkanNya aku jatuh sampai tersungkur. Selalu aku dibangunkan dari jatuhku, tepat waktu.

Tapi, malam malam kayak gini emang the hardest part sih. Bener kalo dikata malem itu waktunya ovt dan nangis. Kayak sekarang. Bener-bener sepi berasa banget. Pengen nangis ke seseorang tapi siapa? I don't have anyone to talk to. Ya Tuhanku.. You know I'm struggling. Pengen diperhatiin sama keluarga, sharing momen penting. Tapi boro-boro, semua malah balik badan pergi menjauh. Poinnya, aku bisa ternyata melalui kesendirian yang terasa membunuh ini. Akan aku lalui semuanya meski dengan nangis cirambay.

[pepperpotsstark]

Aku kok kepikiran married dan punya rumah sama dia hmm.

[pepperpotsstark]

Duh kok sejak dia dateng semalem aku jadi nggak mood. Kayak kangen sampe sedih.

[pepperpotsstark]

This time is my colleague. We're more like a cat & dog all this time. Until he sees my wound, and my strength and fallin' love with it. Being known as a never-serious person I honestly amazed by all the tenderness he gave me. All those intention, his touch, his warm embrace, his tender voice. By that I could say he's fallin' love with me already. Even though he deny it. I know, he's getting sick with commitment already, and that word has bring fear than a joy to him. As I felt earlier.

But, what make me sad the most isn't the fact that he can't be in any commitment yet. It was more because I couldn't melt even with his warm. I couldn't felt the love as I always felt before with the man before me (they're worst). I couldn't felt any scared-to-loose-him feeling. Even with he hug me tight, I still feel cold. I still feel my heart as hard as a rock. What had happened?

Then I scared of his feeling. I scared it will grow bigger, meanwhile me hasn't have the same feeling. I want to run away now. I want to hide my self. I don't want to get attached with him anymore, not only because I can't feel my feeling to him growth as he has, but also because I know he's a problematic person. Not in the relationship, but with his personal life. He look alike my ex with his trouble. And I know where this kind of relationship would go. And I can't bare it. I can't handle this. I know I will be the only person who's devastated. Now I'm sad as fuck and have no idea what to do.

[pepperpotsstark]

Few days ago I found his whatsapp was uninstalled. Just like 9 months ago. But, I'd like to say that's me who left him and not conversely. Finally I did it. Finally I spill it out. That I'm done with him, with whatever this bulshit between us can be called. And that "leave me alone" which I want to say for so long but I don't have any courage in me. This 1 year on-and-off was more than enough for me. I finally admit it, that we never has the same feeling, or a same vision. All I want is to be loved properly, while he only seek for pleasure and escape. For someone who will happily accept his punishment. I no longer deny that we will never be a part. That last conversation on that 13th november morning has open my eyes and gave me courage to move forward. Unfortunately, a coward like you whose running away and hiding after making mess with someone's heart doesn't deserve me at all. It such a shame that I ever love a man like you. That'll be my mistake and regret that I'll never did again. Good bye.

[pepperpotsstark]

[pepperpotsstark]

Setiap orang pasti pernah pengen cerita tentang kesedihannya ke orang lain. Tentu ada satu atau dua orang yang diberi label "akrab", "dekat", "sohib", etc yang jadi tujuan utama untuk mengungkapkan isi hati. Karena sejatinya emang manusia nggak bisa selamanya nyimpan sendiri segala bentuk emosi yg ada dalam kepalanya. Lama-lama overload. Dan meski sudah menahan diri untuk memendam sendiri demi kata "mandiri" yg dijunjung, tetap suatu hari akan timbul dorongan kuat untuk cerita ke orang terdekat.

Tapi pernah juga nggak ya orang lain merasa nggak ingin cerita tepat ketika si lawan bicara buka telinga untuk mendengar semua keluh kesahnya?

Karena aku lagi di fase ini. Sebenarnya nggak sekali dua, tapi cukup sering. Kesedihan kadang menelanku, menenggelamkan sampai aku harus menggapai-gapai mencari bantuan. Tapi ketika bantuan datang aku merasa tenggelam adalah pilihan yang lebih baik ketimbang meraih tangan si penolong. Seketika aku merasa mereka tidak cukup. Bahwa semuanya lebih baik kurasakan sendiri.

Jadi, sekarang ini aku tidak punya tujuan untuk cerita. Semua kesedihan aku telan sendiri, aku menenangkan diriku sendiri. Sementara pihak-pihak yang semula jadi tempatku mencurahkan isi hati sudah disibukkan dengan kepelikan hidupnya sendiri sehingga menutup mata akan teriakan atau isak tangis sekitar yang meminta pertolongannya.

[pepperpotsstark]

Why it felt like I was so cruel to myself for letting you manipulating me?

In other side those time I've been waiting for a year. When there comes a time you left me last year I knew deep inside that I still craving for a desire to meet you in person. Now you've came inside my life once more, we even met and spending time together. But how the hell this just made me much misserable??

It's not like this is my first time being in casual relationship. But, in the end of the day while I'm alone with my ownself I was full of mourn. I was crying a lot of feeling being "used". I'm craving for feeling of being loved, being wanted not just for fun. But I tought it would be too much to asked from you.

I once said if after a meet-up he still the same (refuse to tell me more about his personal life, so I left with nothing than just his nickname and the city where he works) I will leave. And that's exactly what happened to me right now. I'm still have no idea who the fuck he is unless his nickname. How can I be so careless and disgrace to myself?

Oh, I'm so sad now. Yet so confused of what I has to do.

[pepperpotsstark]

HAHAHAHA.

Are you really gonna do this to me? Again? Twice?

I wonder what is your reason this time.

[pepperpotsstark]

Wake up to this 🤣🤣

Oh, quelle bon souvenire. Je le garderai avec moi. Parce que les gens sont partis, mais les souvenirs restent.

[pepperpotsstark]

Salut, moi-même!

Comment ça va, aujourd'hui? Je le sais tu as journée annuyante. Ils disent "l'home c'est rien, l'argent c'est tout". En fait, j'ai cité ceci de Sherlock Holmes avec de petits changements. Mais je suis d'accord, hahaha.

La vie est plus facile sans l'homme. Au moins le mien est plus facile pour ici. Je récupère mon temps précieux. Tout çe que je dois penser esr mon propre boheur. Je n'attends plus la même retour que je leur ai donné. S'ils ne peuvent pas bien me traiter comme je le traite, pas de probléme. Car est trop fatiguant pour s'enerver. Je n'ai plus cette énergie. Je vais couper ceux qui ne sont pas bénéfiques pour moi. Il a dit que je suis arrogant. Que j'ai toujours voulu être supériur. Suis-je supérieur, oú êtes vous trop infériur? 🤣🤣

Remonter le moral, mon amie. Il y a beaucoup á fraire pour racheter les 2 dans perdus.

[pepperpotsstark]

Lucu juga yaa ngobrol sama orang beda zona waktu gini.

This picture i posted just so I have something to remember in case you're gone (again).

[pepperpotsstark]

He said that he mean it.

"Di antara gombalan ada yang serius".

And I couldn't speak a single word unless "oh gitu ya".

[pepperpotsstark]

Guess what? He's coming back out of nowhere!

And we're talking on the phone for 3,5 hours. Setelah 8 bulan berlalu tiba-tiba nongol pake penjelasan dia banyak masalah. Kok rasanya déja vu yaa 😅 Tapi yaudah. This time let God leads the way deh. Only God and he himself knows what actually happened. Udah capek coy dibuat bercandaan. Terus kembali lagi kayak nggak ada apa-apa. Like everything was so perfect while in fact I was ruined & struggled for nearly a half year just to feel okay and getting used to live without him.

[pepperpotsstark]

Lama lama ngeselin ya