perfectpeanutauthorcowboy - Tumblr blog

[perfectpeanutauthorcowboy]

You know whats fucked up ....

Knowing what is wrong and being in denial about it.

Knowing the family love money more then their own blood

Growing up and seeing family is the most important thing, but later finding out you are worth nothing to them.

Loving and protecting your siblings over your own well being when only saw you as something in their way

Knowing family can’t be there because now you are married and belong in a whole other category

Visiting your blood family and having you marital family love you more then your actual family

Finding out your dad, who sacrificed so much for his family was always under appreciated, over looked and under loved

Having your grandmother harangue you about being a slut with out you actually being one and finding out she was the big slut of all

Stressing out over words that shouldn’t have any meaning but losing sleep and precious time over words that are garbage

[perfectpeanutauthorcowboy]

What mom means to me..

The definition of mom/mother means something completely different in my life then it dows yours...

So for some reason im 25 years old with my husband and 2 beautiful children, and some how still subconsciously obey my mother. It is wrong, he passive aggressiveness it overwhelming and unsettling. She give me orders like im still 15 years old. I feel like i should clarify how this is supposed to be like or how this works now that i am a mother and a wife and how im no longer part of her beck and call deal. How do i say it without setting off any triggers. How do I explain that she will always have the title of mom but he barked at orders no longer apply to me. How do i tell her she can give me advice only when i ask for it. Or to stop giving me orders like im still he house maid from 10 years ago. I hate not having the power or patients to explain to her everything i feel with out it all blowing up on my face

[perfectpeanutauthorcowboy]

Is my period an inconvenience...

This week I experienced, what would only be called a trigger. This week I randomly got my period, and I know may seem awkward to be talking about my period or why I got triggered if it’s something every woman goes though every mont but I haven’t had my period since I was pregnant with my first son. He is currently 7 gonna be 8.

I woke up and was freaked out cuz I saw blood. I asked my son and my husband if they were ok, if they had some bloody stool or something. Lowkey inwas panicing and then I wipe myself and realize its me. (Bare with me) I was relieved that it was me and not my husband or son, but then i begin to panic again because i have nothing in my bathroom for this type of emergency. I start tossing everything under my sink looking for a pad, tampon, anything i could use temporarily due to the ridiculous toilet paper shortage. And it instantly brings me back to 6th grade. I memory and experience not many of us go though thankfully but for some it still happens or they are going through it currently. Im in 6th grade again and small flash backs of what i was going through at the time. My dad had just left to try and prove for us better since he lost his job. My mom was not attentive towards me and my sister Ruby who is only 18 months younger than me, and would spoil rotten my 3 other siblings who where 6, 4, and 2. Even they didn’t get the required care they need from my mom but they didn’t have it as hard as me and my sister. Instead of buying underwears or bras for me and my sister, which we desperately needed she would buy the kids a DS game, instead of buying the kids winter jackets, she would but unnecessarily lotions, body wash and hand soap from bed bath and body works. Anyone who has bought something from this store, knows that stuff is not at all cheap. The deepest darkest experience about this flashback is on one specific school day around 6:20am i woke up on my own early enough to get ready, not because i got a good night sleep, or because i went to bed on time, but because i felt wet. I cant recall if it was my first period or not, but all I could do is take a baby wipe clean myself as much as i could. I wished at that moment that i could take a shower to clean myself and go to school fresh but the house was so cold as soon as i would step out of the shower, my skin and hair would feel like it was in a freezer hardening up into ice. So i cleaned myself the best i could and stuffed myself with toilet paper while i looked under the sink. Of couse, nothing. I sneak into my moms bathroom and lucky find 2. It felt like winning the lottery, so i take both of them put one in my backpack and the other to the bathroom. As i unrapped it, i realize it sort of wierd looking. While still greatful i even found a pad I realized its a pad for obese women and on my tiny body it looks like a diaper. I put only clean jeans i had and put an oversized hoodie, before everyone made it a trend. Went to school sort of prepareded for humiliation or staring or even laughing. Every inch of me is feeling self conscious. It gets to 3 period right before lunch and check on my oversized pad and to my luck it’s completely full. So many clots where stuck on there. The whole thing was drenched in blood, fromt to back mind you that the front started at my undewear line and the back cover my entire butt crack. I didn’t why there was do much or why it wouldn’t stop. On the toilet it would continue to drop almost like a freaking faucet. I changed out the pad for a new one. And go to lunch, i dont recall eating as much because I felt my stomach put more pressure on my uterus and more blood come out. I went somewhat hungry the reat of the day until i got to my very last class, which was an introduction to drawing class. I tried to get a seat all the way in the back but unfortunately there was already a chiques sitting at all the back seats of the class so i chose the second to last table by myself no less.This class was like any typical art class, the back wall was covered in windows, the chalk board and the teachers desk were located between the two doors of the class.As the class begins i begin to get paranoid about my situation.I ask to go to the bathroom and to find my surprise my instincts were spot on. My pad was over flowing again, so much that it left a small stain of blood on my jeans.Im freaking out because i have no more pads, my jeans have leaked thru..