perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

365 Dear friend, You're probably wondering what took this one so long. Or maybe you aren't at all curious. Here it is though. New Year's Eve was probably the worst day of the year. I felt stupid, pathetic, like a piece of shit and an asshole. I felt a lot of negative things about myself. I cried. I was upset. I tried. I tried really hard to make it a good day. Kirsten and I were going to spend the whole day together. And we did. And we shouldn't have. Originally it was going to be just us two. But my sister was dealing with some things and so I didn't want her to be alone. So I told her to come over around 8pm and spend the night with me and Kirsten. I told Kirsten this and things seemed fine for a little bit. I took Kirsten on a small driving trip. We went to the spot we spent the first night of the new year together. We went to the park and the bench where we would go a lot and talk and walk and sit. I took her to a new place that housed a garden shop made by the people behind the Botanic garden. And then things started to unravel. Kirsten got upset because we weren't going to spend the day together anymore. Even though we were. Its that the night wouldn't have been our own anymore. Which I thought she would understand. I felt bad. I had told her we would be on our own and then we weren't going to be but man, the way she finally ended up reacting. It sucked. The whole thing sucked. She wanted me to take her home but she would have spent the day by herself and I didn't want that. I should have but then I was afraid that she would hurt herself because of the way she was talking. So she stayed. I wish Kirsten had phrased it as "Omar, spend time with your family, go be with your sister and I'll go with my family. Then we can spend tomorrow together." Instead it was like "I didn't want to say anything because I don't want to be selfish but I wanted to spend the day together and now the day is ruined. I want to be home now and you said it would just be you and me and it's not." I don't know. To me, the day could have still been amazing! Like, we still had the whole day up to 8pm to spend it alone and together. The last few hours would have two extra people. I just don't feel that that was enough for her to flip out on me. And so I felt stupid and I ruined things. I would have loved to have it be just her and I but I didn't think the whole day was ruined because of the sudden change. We got into a couple of arguments. Kirsten was, and still is, going through it. This cycle is lasting longer than usual. The day had so much potential. Instead it was a disaster. I hated every second of that day after she told me why she was upset. I wanted to make it a good day. I tried making her food. I wanted a New Years kiss. We got sparklers and Roman candles for my nephew. He loved it. My sister made food. There were good movies on. It could have been a good day. It could have been a great night. But it wasn't. And that was the story for most of the year. The days that were bad, could have been great if it wasn't for one stupid thing. And Kirsten might be suffering from things that I only have suspicions about so I'm trying to take care of her and be courteous and let her feel what she has to. But I'm not an expert. I'm doing what I think is right and I get it wrong sometimes. So when one thing, one little thing, ruins her mood or our day, I'm trying to understand that it isn't just one little thing. It's a big deal. The lesson was learned a long time ago. I've just been trying to learn how to deal with it better. And sometimes certain things work better than others. But when nothing works, it all falls apart. But when it works, nothing else matters. I love you, Kirsten. PS. "...so much for the light show. Pissing on while pissing off. Sucking in a smokescreen. Selling of a loose knit dream..." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

364 Dear friend, I love you so much, buddy. I really wanted to cry seeing you play and laugh and run about. God, I want nothing but the best for you, buddy. I love you so much. PS. "Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

363

Dear friend,

It’s not hard to do things that show you care.

There’s a lot more to it than that but it’s not that hard to drive somewhere in search of that one lip gloss that’ll go well with that one lipstick you bought.

And now it makes three people that have brought up that one solution. This could be real and might be happening if it’s affordable.

PS. “…that’s when I heard Murder, you’re killin’ me, you’re fillin’ me with sorrow, sunrise, goodbyes and missin’ you tomorrow’s. I turn to see, my dream love supreme queen, meanest thing on the scene, cry…”

Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

361 Dear friend, I had a long conversation with my sister. Then I had a long talk with my parents. I told my parents that we can all learn to just shut up and walk away. That good or bad, they raised us and we learned to be like them and not be like them. So they fucked up, not us. Life is tough. Maybe not for you but for someone, somewhere. I hope nothing but good comes from this. I'm gonna go look for apartments before going to bed. PS. "...maybe we could sleep in, make you banana pancakes. Pretend like its the weekend now. We could pretend it all the time..." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

360 Dear friend, Tonight was random date night after I dropped off more tamales for Kirsten's parents. PS. "...take your time, hurry up. The choice is yours, don't be late. Take a rest. as a friend..." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

359 Dear friend, Today was generally a good day. For me it was good. Work was okay and not hectic. I got dinner with Kirsten and napped and heard my name said a lot and we went to buy cake at Target. It was a good afternoon. But man. I can't help but feel sick with the news I was told today. I want things to be okay and go back to the way they were. I know they both do. Also. I might be going to Vegas in July if all goes well. And hopefully Washington in October. Today was kind of all over the damn place. Good and bad and good and bad. PS. "...a stranger's light comes on slowly. A stranger's heart without a home. You put your hands into your head and then its smiles cover your heart..." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

358 Dear friend, Today was, since my brother passed away, the best Christmas. No day is completely perfect and I'm sorry about what's happening with someone close to me. The morning was amazing. It was touching and wonderful and I felt so happy to be there. I spent the morning with Kirsten and her family. I got a few of them presents, her sisters and her parents and they all loved them. I'm really glad that I was able to successfully get them all something they would enjoy. Kirsten got me two of the coolest things ever. She got me an Astros World Series baseball cap and the Wet Bandits funko pops. She wrote me this letter that, had it all been in one card and not spread across 4, would have made me cry for at least 5 minutes. Her parents got me a wallet too! I had been needing a wallet that wasn't Simpsons themed. Or just a wallet that looked like one an adult would have. We watched a slideshow her sister, Jessie, had made. It was a bunch of pictures and videos of them. It also included pictures of us, the not family members, in it. It was really one of the coolest things ever. A lot of thought went into it. Kirsten and I came back to my place and pretty slept the entire rest of the day. It was a great Christmas. PS. "...if you close the door, the night could last forever. Leave the wine glass out and drink a toast to never.. Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

357 Dear friend, I went to church today. It was a really amazing feeling to be there. Kirsten invited me. And her sisters sat with us when they were done with their duties. What an amazing feeling it was. It was moving. I spent some time with Kirsten and her family in their house. That was really a nice and warm environment to be in. We had gone to Denny's after church too. They gave me my burger without the top bun. I didn't feel I should have had to point out to someone that my burger was missing the top bun. My nephew also loved his awkward rhino. He's got a big head and little body. It's to show that it's okay to be different, to feel sad, and feel awkward. Everything will always be alright. PS. "No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

356 Dear friend, It was pretty cool running into Kirsten's parents at Target today. Her mom was wearing her husband's jacket. That's her jacket apparently. So at no age are guys safe from getting their jacket or hoodie stolen. Is that a M/F issue strictly or do all genders and sexes have this issue where one person takes the others hoodies and whatever? Oh and Kirsten and I [redacted]. God, did we ever. PS. "...tengo tu sonrisa en un rincón de mi salva pantallas..." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

355 Dear friend, We are living in the future! We in there! I was gonna get this or the echo but someone got me the google home mini. I'm really liking it so far. I'm done with the holiday season though! I'm off! Finally! I've never felt this drained. PS. "A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

354 Dear friend, I'm really tired but today, at least the later part of it, was for Kirsten. It was nice to get out and go shopping with her. I wanted to go take pictures with Santa but she wasn't about the idea. The date was really nice and a special kind of wonderful. We went shopping for Christmas presents and just kind of wandered store to store. We went to Market Street which kind of looks like a Christmas movie small town right now. I was a fan of today. At least outside of work. PS. "...don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem..." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

353 Dear friend, I forgot to take a picture today. Someone commented on an IG post from yesterday and it bothered Kirsten. It made her mad at me, sort of? I don't know. It just stirred up shit when I would rather be straight during the holidays. Everything, everywhere is stressing me out. Thanks for noticing Bo. I'm not sure why him noticing meant a lot to me. Just one more 3am shift. Just one more. And then 3 more days and I get a day off after having worked 13 days in a row. Or 12? Man I don't know. I'm tired. PS. "...sixteen in the clip and one in the hole. Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold. Now they droppin and yelling, it's a tad bit late. Nate Dogg and Warren G. had to regulate..." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

352 Dear friend, I needed something to take the edge off today. I'm just really drained. In every way possible. My nephew said "my brain is telling me that I don't know what that taste like." And just like that, he gave me a life and a breath of fresh air. Thanks, buddy. PS. "All I'm doing is contemplating the "If's"" Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

351 Dear friend, The highlight to my day was laying in bed with Kirsten. God. It felt so nice to lay down again. But every other second of this day has been a misery. We have 100 orders to get done by Christmas Eve. I prepped 19 things today and as of 8 only 5 things were finished. For any framer, those should have been finished in a few hours. Instead only 5 were complete. Oh! And I completely fucking ruined someone's artwork. I wanted to die today. I really did. I wanted to die or just stop existing. I thought things I haven't thought of in a while. A long while. I even cried at work. So. Yeah. PS. "...take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you. Cause all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to do..." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

350 Dear friend, I am feeling very, very drained. I'm exhausted. I haven't had time to really do anything for 3 weeks. I've spent time with Kirsten and I've loved every second of it but it hasn't felt like enough. And then I haven't had time for anything or anyone else really. I would rather spend time with her. I just haven't really spent time with my nephew or friends or sister or even watched tv. Work is really taking its toll on me. There was a point today when I really just wanted to scream and cry. I'm really tired. God. I'm so fucking exhausted. I hope that this is all worth it. PS. "...on the dry and dusty road. The nights we spend apart alone. I need to get back home to cool, cool rain..." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

349 Dear friend, I don't recall having been that tired but I guess I was. I loved hearing her giggle while I slept and then finding out why when I woke up. The Last Jedi was also goddamn amazing. Star Wars films were honestly never great films. They were amazing but they weren't the pinnacle of story telling. The world they created though, the feelings and the wonder, that's what really makes those films timeless. And this newest trilogy is doing some wonderful things. And the story! The story is blowing me away right now. The Last Jedi made the previous movies stories make more sense. This movie made the other movies better. I loved that there was a little girl dressed as Rey in the theater. That right there is the best part of these films; the effect they have on people in making them want to become someone who can do anything. This trilogy, way more than the previous ones, is definitely driving that point home. And it's doing it with characters that aren't Skywalkers. Rose and Finn and Poe and Rey are everything right with these films and with good media representation. The Last Jedi does a really great job wrapping up the mysteries left behind by Abrams. That man loves setting up questions and I think Rian handled them well. I wish I wasn't so sleepy while typing this. Also that back to back shot! Yes! Fuck me all the way up with a good team up shot. I'm such a sucker for those moments. PS. "Do or do not." Peace Love & Rockets

[perks-of-being-a-20-buck-flower]

347 Dear friend, I worked on my day off again so I'm gonna be working 10 days in a row without a day off. Joy. After my early morning shift I went over to Kirsten's. She made food and we talked with her mom and sisters. She had been wanting to go to the Botanic gardens. When we got there they were closed. My first immediate thought was to just go home and watch tv with her. But that was lame and a cop out. So I drug my tired ass 40 minutes through another drive to the Centennial gardens. I also wanted to surprise her with the Cockrell butterfly exhibit. It was so worth it. She loved every second of it and I loved every second of her experiencing it and watching her take videos. PS. "...looking for faces in the clouds, I've got some friends I barely see but we're all planning to meet. We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves. All together for eternity..." Peace Love & Rockets