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Manifestation tip: if you ask for the dream life n the dream guy make sure to specify that you would like them TOGETHER not across the country from each other

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Last correction; I don’t think it’s my karma that he lied to me about his ex and I don’t blame the girl for whatever warped version of events he gave her about me. I do think it’s on him to repeat this pattern of not healing fully and jumping into something new. It sucks because you want to believe that you’re special and your love changed him for the better, that he wouldn’t do to you what he did to other girls. It’s a delusion a lot of women fall for, one that I thought I was above, and clearly I am not lol. I do think my love is special, I do think that experience was special, outside of him. I do have a lot of love to give, I will be more discerning going forward as to who to give it to, but I have it. I can believe that for myself.

I do wish he had the balls to just break up with me when he developed feelings for someone else, rather than lying to my face and pushing me to literal hysterics for no reason?? But what can you do lol

I do think that chapter of my life has been closed, but I do think this has cleared up any lingering sadness I had. I always kept wishing he’d apologize, that hed see the errors of his ways and let me know that he’s changed for the better. Not in the sense to get back together, but for an ease in the emotional damage he dealt me. I don’t think that apology is coming, or it does, that I would hear it. I forgive him for being dumb and selfish (lmao). I forgive him for being so mean to me. I forgive myself for letting him treat me that way. I forgive myself for going literally insane from the insecurity and anxiety. And I see now why he did it, he was feeling guilty cause he had feelings for someone else 🤷🏽‍♀️ I wish he hadn’t tried to gaslight me about this all being in my head, but I can see why. He lies to himself quite often.

Selfish men, man. They’re rampant, this world rewards a selfish man. I forgive him not cause he deserves it, but because he’s not worth the energy of my hurt or my anger.

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It’s also the fact that he guilt tripped me HARD for three months saying I’d be over it soooo fast and I was gonna be dating someone new in three months like were you projecting or were you letting me know your plan too bc you said you wouldn’t be okay for at least a year.

Genuinely psychotic behavior. I learned with my grandma passing that he was not the one for me and I don’t miss him even a little but being lied to hurts! Being literally used and discarded hurts!

Like I’ve hooked up w one guy in a very explicitly casual way just to get it out of the way and then have otherwise focused exclusively on getting my home, career, and family in order. A relationship hasn’t even been on my mind. People heal and feelings change at different paces, but it’s just wild to me. I didn’t really have much respect for him left, but I do think basic human decency I had for him is out the window. And crazy I had this info literally delivered to me in a dream where he was morphing into my abusive crazy ex. I woke up and was like “dude is he dating a blonde girl named Chris” and well. Lo and behold.

I don’t really have much else to say except for the fact that Im glad I dumped him. He isnt a good person, or a responsible one, or a reliable one. I knew he was a liar and a bully, so I’m not really surprised at the callousness of his actions and inconsistencies of his words. Im disappointed, and honestly yes Im hurt, but what can you do. It’s truly not my business and not my life.

Last thought; am I genuinely the only person to not have a wandering eye in a relationship? At most, I think someone’s hot and then feel guilty for it. I don’t develop crushes or set up a “next person”. Every person I’ve dated, I’ve met well after my previous relationship ended. Meanwhile every single one of my ex boyfriends had girls they hit up that they knew (and we discussed!!) while together. It doesn’t exactly make me trusting of men. And I feel vindicated, which I hate, that I never fully trusted my ex Colby. I knew he was a liar dude! Idk I just knew that this would happen the whole time we dated. I knew something was up when he told me not to befriend any of his coworkers cause he liked to keep his work and personal life separate, I knew it was straight up a lie!

Ugh. In my dream where I learned this information, Colby was telling me he didn’t know what do because he could either be honest and hurt my feelings or lie and hurt my feelings cause I’d know he was lying. He said he chose to lie cause he was lying to himself. And then I bit him, got a flash of that girls face and woke up.

When I fall in love again, I hope hes honest and kind. I hope his honesty doesn’t hurt me, and even if it did, I hope he’d respect me enough to not lie to my face.

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So loooooove the fact that my ex boyfriend of three years started dating a girl he told me not to worry about two months after we stopped seeing each other lmao

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That about you performance at Glastonbury has me crying I can only listen to that song like a couple times a month bc it makes me sooooo emotional

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[sitting completely still in my own bed] this world is gutting me like a fish

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I think I have fully processed my most recent relationship and what I have processed was I absolutely hated myself and attached my self worth to some guy, which made me insane. And for years that was fine, but as I started to like myself again and figure out who I was the relationship broke down. It’s kind of messed up because the road to loving myself started with him loving me, but as I started to ask for more and stand up for myself more he lashed out. I don’t think he did this consciously, I don’t think he enjoyed my low self worth. But I think he noticed a change, and freaked the hell out. I freaked the hell out too, because I had to figure out a way to continue to love myself as the foundation of his crumbled.

After I broke up with him, he really tried to break me down. He told me that I’d end up alone, called me a liar, said I wasn’t who he thought he was, called me annoying, selfish, bitchy. He told me all the mean things his friends said behind my back. I guess I can’t say he tried to break me, he did. I remember not being able to be outside for long, I felt burnt and embarrassed. I would go out to eat at the most obscure restaurant and eat as quickly as I could and leave. I’d show up late to movies and leave as soon as the end credits rolled, I couldn’t bear being looked at. I don’t think anything in my life ever hurt that much, to have someone I loved so much say awful things to and about me, and then continue to enjoy and live his life without any cares. On top of that I was spending as much time as I could with my grandmother before she died. It was overwhelming. I don’t think I made it a day without breaking down multiple times for months after it all went down.

I kept getting up though. I went to work, I wrote, I stretched, I walked, I sang, I danced. I paid my rent and cleaned my house. I pulled the desk he left behind, that I hated, out on my own, heavy thick wood that was broken from coming into the house. I had to take the door off its hinges and stone henge it out, then pushed it down my lawn. I got a new mattress, that he never slept on. I don’t think there’s much of him at all left in this house, in my house. Because it’s been mine now longer than he ever lived in it!

I took care of my grandmother and helped her in her last days. In her last moments. Im the only one who saw her take her last breath. I held my mother when she cried. I stood up to my father, for the first time in years. I picked up the catering. I crawled into the attic and cleaned out 30 years of family memories. I did it, every day, even with all of the wounds. And in caring for the people I love, I discovered how to at least respect myself again, after disrespecting myself for so long.

I don’t attach my self worth to anyone but myself anymore. I put in my notice at my job, June 13th. And I am going to have a great job next. Im saving to buy myself a house, a stable refuge for my family, somewhere deep in central Florida scrub, where my heart is. I write every day, I feel inspiration all the time. I go to boat landings and write for hours. I walk with my head up. I can recognize myself in the mirror. I can actually fucking look in a mirror again. I hula hoop in the yard and take care of my neighbors puppy. I help out my other neighbor when he has an episode, help him inside, make sure he has socks to keep his feet warm. I move every day. I believe in myself.

I struggled to understand why this breakup was so much worse than my first one, where I loved my first ex more and for longer. Why was it so awful? It’s because I never understood why my most recent ex acted the way he did. I don’t really know the real answer, cause I’ll never live in his head (and thank god for that), but I do believe he lied to himself. A lot. He took an easy way, an emotionally numb, drunken way out of the heartbreak. That was his choice, as much as it hurt to watch. At least with my first one, he respected my decision, and I knew deep down that our problems came from his mental illness, and I hope and pray everyday that he gets solace. My most recent one, that “normal guy”, well, I don’t think he possessed the bravery to face any of those hard truths when I knew him. I hope and pray he changes for the better. And I accept that I’ll never see him again. He played his role in building me up and breaking me down. I would never be here without the cruel words he said to me.

My life is beautiful. It’s better. I trust myself. I love myself. I host my friends and family for staycations and weekend getaways. My mom builds a camper van in my backyard. All my family photos, 30 years worth, are safe in my guest room closet. I paint on my grandmothers canvases. I dance to my grandfathers record players, which play my mother’s records. I have my older sister’s baby book. I have my father’s adolescent journal. My house is now the place where my family meets, my dream for so, so many years.

And I do not miss that man at all, not even a little bit. I don’t love him anymore, I haven’t for a good long while now. I don’t feel guilty for being who I am anymore.

I am happy now. Every day, I wake up happy to be alive, to stretch. I wake up five minutes before my alarm, make myself a strawberry milk protein matcha, and try and build myself up more than I did yesterday.

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Realizing that my rage will only resolve with radical compassion but I just don’t know if I can force myself to be vulnerable to someone who has shot me down for like 10+ years

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Ahhhh I love my life :3

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One of my favorite Peanuts panels.