peterbd

[peterbd]

frances chiem vs the pop world

her songs are cheesy and she has nothing to say

her vocals are so so and she's the average pop star of the day 

frances runs circles around katy without even trying 

compared to mrs. chiem, there's nothing from k.p. worth buying 

they just kidnapped your wife for shits and giggles 

rih's at the whip while franci's tying up your spouse a little 

two badasses. one of music. the other of lit

they do whatever the fuck they want. they don't give a shit 

her words are more heartfelt than adele's. the end 

"they keep counting me out frances. like i'm chopped liver"

"don't let them count you out gaga. you still have the power to deliver"

"i'm just so downtrodden. maybe i should just leave the game!"

"everyone is just hating on you. do like me and ignore those lames"

"i know you have thick skin and ignore the literary lames with skill, but i'm over it"

"stfu and pick yourself up by the bootstraps and recognize your gifts"

"you're right"

"duh"

"frances, come on stage with me"

"i'm busy" 

as beyonce and frances strut passed the haters 

they feel no sense of worry, insecurity, or fear 

they've stopped living for others. they no longer cater 

beyonce is in charge 

while frances steers her own lear 

all praises go to them for being bosses 

for never taking any losses 

for being themselves 

in a world where people expect one to do the opposite 

[peterbd]

still absorbing dre

onlooker #1: likes what she sees

onlooker #2: doesn't get it 

onlooker #3: wonders how long it took dre to come up with this concept 

onlooker #4: thought that he'd dislike the art but soon realizes that he's 

in the presence of something fresh and innotive

onlooker #5: is dre. she's feeling herself 

someone screwed with dre's art. they want to ruin her performance. 

they don't want babygirl to be great at all. 

at her studio 

at a party 

at an art opening 

at your apartment 

at your girl's crib

at a place that you wish she could be 

at a place in her life where it's all coming together 

at the east village 

at bushwick 

at colombia 

at your social media platform bigging up the above piece 

at her on twitter 

@goodbrainbadbrain 

at a restaurant eating exactly what she wants to be eating 

at a space creating what she wants to create exactly 

at exactly the place she needs to be 

at da afterparty 

officer: you have the right

dre: to stfu

officer: anything you say

dre: is bullshit. you've been 

indoctrinated 

by your superiors to the point 

of no return 

officer: you have the right to 

dre: not say shit to me for the 

rest of your earthly existence

she grinds day and night 

from monday to friday 

sleepless nights 

too smart to crave 

frivolous art things 

paints and paints 

like nobodies business 

works hard for the money 

worth all those pesos 

stacking money from bogota

to mexico 

walks in the club 

all eyes on the teflon 

colombiano

realizes her vision in sneaks

or heels that are 6 inch 

whatever she feels like 

stars in her eyes 

no stop to her artistic 

grind 

she slangs 

all day everyday 

like a true g

like a true professional

goddaaamn

dre spots the ice agent

from the building she's 

in across the street. 

he's on his way to 

mess with immigrants 

and dre is not having 

that shit at all. the ice

agent loads the immi-

grants into his vehicle.

dre flies towards the 

vehicle, breaks the 

window, and uses her 

incredible strength 

to throw the ice agent

out of the vehicle. she

drives the immigrants 

to safety. just another

day in the life of an 

anti ice superhero

someone went into dre's space prior to her opening and 

screwed with her art in hopes of ruining her show. as you can see 

the piece resembles coiled dna and is supposed to look not like 

this at all. this is the second time someone tried to fuck this up 

for dre

as dre was coming up with this concept 

she thought to herself 'damn i'm super talented' 

and she is

she really is 

there are people out there who don't want to see you be great

don't want you to succeed 

don't want you to realize your dreams 

don't want you to eat well 

want you to remain stagnant 

want you to be unfocused 

want you to be anything but you 

                     would like nothing more than for you to fail 

or if not fail 

then to just like 

be extremely basic 

people with opinions that don't matter 

she's too busy hustling and grinding 

day and night to be affected 

by the bullshit 

                               el que no trabaje, que no coma

they say 

dre thinks about all this heavy shit as she comes up 

with this concept 

then she dusts her shoulders off

9 pm: dre is at her apt 

10 pm: dre is in custody 

11 pm: the cia interrogates dre 

12 am: dre remains mum

1 am: dre escapes cia custody 

2 am: dre is back at her apt 

3 am: dre wakes up from her crazy dream 

4 am: inspired by her dream, dre begins to paint 

5 am: a cia agent knocks on dre's door and begins fighting her

6 am: dre dumps the cia agent's body somewhere near happyfun 

7 am: the edible that dre ate at 3:30 am wears off and she realizes that everything she did between the hours of 4-7 were a hallucination. she vows never to eat so many weed cookies at once before going to bed 

8 am: dre dreams that she is back in colombia and is having the time of her life 

9 am: dre wakes up to get a glass of water 

10 am: dre dreams that the colombian government seizes all of her belongings because she dared to become a successful artist in new york. for her punishment, they make her sing 'ojos asi' by shakira in front of her friends and family. instead of doing this, dre dials shakira on her smartphone and has her perform it instead. the government is so pleased dre did this that they canonize her as a saint 

11 am: dre wakes up from her dream all disoriented 

12 pm: dre walks to a corner store to buy some shit. she laughs at two white ppl discussing how they were robbed the night before 

1 pm: dre stretches while watching something on her computer 

2 pm: someone steals dre's social security card 

3 pm: dre searches all through her apt for her social security card 

4 pm: dre searches all over bushwick for her social security card 

5 pm: dre finds her social security card in her back pocket

6 pm: dre decides to paint her social security card 

7 pm: while painting her social security card, dre thinks about all that she's been through in the past 5 years. all the jobs she's had. all the lovers she's loved. all the places she's been. all the white people she stunted on. all the crazy times. all of the heartache. all of her triumphs. she thinks of all of it.

8 pm: dre observes her finished work, smiles in delight, sells it to you for mad stacks, then gets a bite to eat at a local bushwick eatery 

9 pm: dre is at her apt 

andrea: why do you love me? 

them: because you're beautiful and smart and funny and you know how to love me when i don't know how to love myself 

  andrea: why did you steal from me?

them: because i want to be like you. i want to create art like you and dress like you and live your lifestyle. there's no way that this can happen but it's worth a try

  andrea: why did you fire me? 

them: we really like you. we really do. it's just that we don't know what to do with all the talent that you're providing for us. being that you're ten steps ahead of all the white people who work here isn't helping things either

the year is 2090. ice

agents are trying to 

deport andrea back to

the united states. andrea

snuck off to mars two 

years prior when global

warming fucked up 

earth's everything which

meant mankind's 

existence was 

threatened. so scientists

figured out a way to 

build livable colonies 

on mars until they could

figure out how to control

the climate situation

on earth. unfortunately 

dre didn't win the lottery 

to go to mars. she 

somehow got there 

anywhere. she hustled

her way to mars but 

now ice is determined

to take her back to

the planet with the 

unbreathable air. dre 

tries her best to fight 

off the agents but she 

is unsuccessful. they 

ship her back to earth 

which is a lie because 

she'd never be caught 

so easily. dre is sitting

pretty on mars and she'll

be caught this nevuary. 

when all is said and done, the only one 

who has the last say on how her art is to

be presented is dre. 

d on't underestimate the god. even if you do, though, that won't stop her go at all. please believe that this isn't her first time at the rodeo. along with intelligence and wit, her talent is what got her to the throne that she currently sits in. luck and nepotism steered their leers. tenacity and drive took her to pole position. you don't like her? she doesn't give a fuck. she didn't come to play with any of you art hoes. slays this shit on her off days. as if those even exist. real masters of their craft don't sleep. and a craftmaster would be she. 

r ight now she's figuring out her next move. she moves to the beat of her own drum. the move is whatever she wants the move to be. wherever she moves, that establishment will be better for it. peep the way she moves as she swerves on her haters. moving constantly because staying stagnant makes her feel basic. they move out of the way when they see her coming because they know the girl means business. if only they could crack the code to the motives to her move. the more they try to move like her the more rhythmically challenged they are. it is only she that has created her specific moves. to move the way that she does takes courage, strength, wisdom, and tenacity. the movements that she creates with her hands made that piece sells for thousands. her moves in the club brought your girlfriend to her yard. in the realm that she resides in she is immovable. motherfuckers make mistakes constantly because their lives are monotonous while the god misses no beats with her monstrous moves. when she's in a hurry, move bitch, get out of the way. she sidesteps past you with her moves. her moves are as clean as her freshly pressed attire. moving towards the stratosphere. guess what you should do when she asks you to move? abide by her wishes and give her the room she needs to inch her movements towards legendary status

e verytime she shows the world how creative she can be, the world nods in approval. she's never going to stop because real artists don't know how to do that. there are not many of those. "real artists" that is. so next time you see her, recognize an artist when you see one. 

police: you're under arrest. put your hands up

dre: (flies away while middle fingering the police)

[peterbd]

behind the scenes of depression cherry

levitation

"there's a place i want to take you" victoria legrand croons on depression cherry's opening track. that place was taco bell. victoria imagined what it would be like to take simon vozick-levinson to taco bell and decided to put this thought into song.

sparks

the vocal stylings on this track took beach house longer than usual to complete. "i sang this song maybe a hundred different times" victoria says "after the hundredth time, me and alex agreed that it was impossible to sound as if simon vozick-levinson was singing so we just kept the vocal the way it was".

space song 

chris coady, who co-produced and mixed the album, came up with the general concept of "space song". "one of my favorite movies of all time is moon. i got high on peyote in arizona in the summer of 2014, put on moon, and sam rockwell's character magically transformed into simon vozick-levinson. we recorded "space song" the next day. 

beyond love 

"this song is so beautiful" alex scally says. "what can there be that surpasses love? is this possible? if simon vozick-levinson was this being that was beyond love is that something you'd really want to know? all you know is what you see".

10:37

according to christopher bear, alex scally took his drumming off of "10:37" because he felt simon vozick-levinson would be irritated by it. "but at least i got to play on sparks🤘" he said via email

ppp

many people love this song for it's unexpected spoken word lyrics, it's lush musical arrangement, and it's dream like sensibilities. "i don't know why anyone would say those things about this song" says victoria "i was super angry at simon vozick-levinson that day. if you listen closely you can actually hear my anger". when pressed for more information on why she was so angry at simon while recording this track victoria simply replies "it helps my creative process".

wildflower 

alex is adamant that this song is about simon vozick-levinson being an actual wildflower. victoria says the song is about simon vozick-levinson but it's not about anything specific about him. she thinks of him as a multidimensional being that can't be described in simple terms. chris has no idea what the song is about. "i just think it's chill" he says.

bluebird 

when beach house came up with the idea for "bluebird" they wanted it to capture what it was like for a person when they come out of severe melancholy and are confused about where to go in sadness' aftermath. victoria: "ok so we used simon vozick-levinson as a muse for this song because on the surface he represents the everyday person but if you look closely, you'll see that there's more to him than what he's presenting". alex interjects: "yes just listen to when victoria sings love, it comes up on the ceiling. my mouth and these arms hold the feeling. even i can't control my own nature. that's poetry right there in musical form. we turned simon vozick-levinson into a poem about the chaotic feeling a human goes through when they're exiting a deep, profound sadness. this is probably my favorite song on the record" 

days of candy

"i thought simon vozick-levinson was gonna be in the studio with us but he wasn't there. smh" - one of the choir members on "days of candy".

◾

[peterbd]

elias tezapsidis: nyc resident

elias tezapsidis told you he liked your outfit when, in fact, he thought the complete opposite 

  kim kardashian: (holds up picture of elias tezapsidis) i want cheekbones like this

kim kardashian's plastic surgeon: i'll see what i can do 

elias tezapsidis writes for fun and afterwords he gets paid for it

when elias tezapsidis grows out his facial hair, an angel who can't grow facial hair throws shade

please refrain from comparing elias tezapsidis from stefano piati due to elias technically being better than him 

fuck off - elias tezapsidis after you ask for his autograph 

rihanna wrote 'bitch better have my money' after one of elias's bitches didn't pay her back

elias tezapsidis just stunted on you fashion wise at the gym

tyra banks and elias tezapsidis have never smized in the same photo. they have beef 

[peterbd]

3 saxon's

saxon the great

Got this recently....

a very, very long time ago saxon baird was the greatest warrior that ever lived. his main agenda back then was leading his army across the seas to take control of lands that didn't belong to him or his people. you see, even though saxon was the greatest warrior of all time, he enjoyed stealing other people's lands because that's just how shit went down back in the day. the battle that led to saxon's demise was pretty brutal even for back in the day terms. saxon slaughtered about 50 men with his bare hands before a small child threw a rock at his head. saxon fell off of a cliff into the water where his herculean-esque body was never recovered. when word got back to his village that saxon had died (most couldn't believe that he went out like omar from the wire), everyone wept for a week in honor of the great warrior who sacrificed himself so his villagers could continue stunting on other villages in the name of flexing. these proud men and woman soon erected a statue of saxon that still stands to this day in a land that is now known as the south bronx. that one guy, marcus aurelius, never got over how horrible his statue was in comparison to saxon's.

saxon the dancer 

saxon has danced with a slew of respected artists in different genres. from janet jackson to jennifer lopez to shania twain to aaron carter, saxon was the go to dancer for pop music's elite. this all changed, however, when wade robson blacklisted saxon for being a better dancer than him. wade was choreographing britney spears' 'im a slave for you' video when he peeped saxon harlem shaking better than he ever could. from that moment on, wade went on a smear campaign to get saxon tf outta here. he told justin timberlake that saxon made out with britney which led to britney and justin breaking up which led to britney marrying kevin federline which led to britney shaving her hair while paparazzi captured it etc etc. because of this, saxon was blacklisted from the dance world but this was a blessing in disguise because soon after his dance exile he became saxon 

the writer whom we love, respect, and are intimidated by today. sometimes it takes you being at your lowest point for your true calling to come into fruition.

[peterbd]

vicente rhymes

the dog looks at him skeptically 

he thinks the man might do him harm 

eventually the dog lets its guard down 

and is under the spell of vicente's charm

the dog is enamored with the spanish prince 

his aura 

his cool shades 

the dog thinks to itself 

'this is the greatest human being god ever made' 

the dog begins barking and hopes the prince understands 

the prince laughs heartily at the dog 

and begins petting its head with his right hand 

two hours later

the dog goes missing 

3 hours later 

the dog passes away 

before he breathes his last breath 

he smiles at the thought of getting the chance 

to be in the presence of prince vicente  

when vicente meets someone lame 

he places his L shaped hand to his forehead 

why do they even right poetry?

they're better of doing something else instead 

like being a mechanic 

or being a 5th grade teacher 

you thought your writing is a good as his? 

this just in: you're a loser 

and vicente's a poetic preacher 

a good portion of cats are jealous of vicente for a multitude of reasons 

they're jealous of his talent 

his natural charisma 

and his ability to be fresh af from season to season 

this cat is super jealous of vicente 

and vicente doesn't even care

cause he gets strength from the haters 

he goes through life like a boss 

smoking good weed 

rocking cool hats 

and wearing expensive suits that are tailored 

still 

this cat is a hater 

but vicente is unbothered cause 

he likes to keep his enemies close  

most cats are unaware that vicente is unbothered by the hateration 

felines are the complete opposite of woke

when he reads his words 

the crowd pricks up their ears 

they listen to his highs 

his lows 

his confusion 

his fears 

they relate to his anxieties 

and find solace in his despair 

this is life 

everyone has their own cross to bear

he's reading about many things 

things that they all relate to 

he's reading about love 

and how he was in love with someone 

and how they fell out of love 

love is strange like that 

he's reading about how love gets away from you

then circles right back 

unrelenting love

so many topics 

so many things to dissect 

the crowd hangs on to his every word 

the words come out of him with ease 

he was nervous beforehand 

but now is comfortable in his own steez 

he doesn't even hear the crowd 

or notice any of the commotion 

when he's in the zone 

it's as if he's inside of his room 

alone 

with not a soul watching 

reciting poetry 

up here is where he feels most at home 

[peterbd]

how joe kwaczala spent his february

the 1st. joe ate a piece of fresh fruit 

the 2nd. joe burned down the house of one of his enemies 

the 3rd. joe played the banjo 

the 4th. joe saw a foreign film 

the 5th. joe let right shark know that left shark was more important to the internet 

the 6th. joe laughed 

the 7th. joe cried 

the 8th. joe smiled 

the 9th. joe laughed at you then cried because he felt bad for making fun of you then smiled because you told him that he inspired you to finish your associate's degree 

the 10th. joe contemplated eating shrimp 

the 11th. joe paid child support to a child that wasn't his because he wanted to see what that process was like 

the 12th. joe managed to shake off his haters before 3 pm

the 13th. joe was like 'maybe i am a genius' 

the 14th. joe flew to an island and chilled there because rich people have different lives compared to you and i 

the 15th. joe read a book

the 16th. joe ignored angela lansbury's texts 

the 17th. joe drank as much water a human can possibly drink without dilutional hyponatremia occurring 

the 18th. joe learned how to prepare homemade jolly ranchers 

the 19th. joe realized that him and bruce springsteen are geniuses that remain approachable which is why millions of people relate to them 

the 20th. joe entered a local homemade jolly rancher contest. he got third place 

the 21th. joe contracted polio but nothing physically happened to him because polio is one of those old diseases from like the 20's so symptoms are null in void due to it being modern times 

the 22th. it either was or wasn't joe's birthday 

the 23rd. joe made sure to brush his teeth extremely well that day 

the 24th. joe was like 'hey, i brushed my teeth very well yesterday so i'm gonna take it easy with the brushing today' 

the 25th. today joe did something normal and a stranger was blown away by it 

the 26th. joe will be abducted by aliens, go to their planet, learn their ways, steal one of their spaceships, come back to earth, and pretend like that shit didn't happen 

the 27th. joe will live life to the fullest because there is only one him 

the 28th. angela lansbury will text joe 'you up'

[peterbd]

100 things to know about michael ryterband

100. whenever he is inside the wachenheim trustees room, he is the best dressed person in the wachenheim trustees room

99. he is from new jersey 

98. he wears glasses  

97. he loves everybody on the a train 

96. he meditates 

95. he is gluten free and being gluten free energizes him 

94. he has this http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51ixN5aBtgL.jpg

93. he is the geoff dyer of being a ladies man 

92. he eats good food in a way that tells you that he enjoys food which is great because good food is delicious 

91. he makes music 

90. he went to pratt 

89. if you wear glasses and you stand next to him then you will look foolish in comparison 

88. he can walk into any place and befriend most of the people in that place 

87. if he went to hell (which would never happen because michael has too much swag for hell) he would befriend everyone in hell as well as satan 

86. he looks cool in white sneakers 

85. he has been with his gf for six months 

84. his gf and beyonce knowles are the hottest woman who live in ny 

83. he listened to john coltrane once and felt things 

82. he wants to make music and have someone rap over his music 

81. he secretly knows how to rap and is an underground rap god 

80. he is easy to have a conversation with. like when you talk to him shit is definitely not awkward 

79. he enjoys west indian food 

78. he knows funny 'white people like west indian food' jokes 

77. he works for the new york times 

76. he is jewish 

75. he likes working for the new york times 

74. he was born to do something important 

73. he does not want anything from his friends besides friendship 

72. if you stand next to him and you are wearing glasses and he is not wearing glasses you will somehow still look foolish in comparison 

71. ai weiwei is his homeboy 

70. he went to an ai weiwei exhibit and felt things 

69. whenever he walks down 42nd st, people applaud for no reason 

68. he is good at math but might not know it yet

67. he lives in clinton hill 

66. anytime someone sees him in clinton hill they are like 'waddup michael' 

65. he is in touch with his emotions 

64. he is not afraid to be vulnerable 

63. he will give a talk at the nypl in ten years. it will be hosted by paul holdengräber who will gush over his every word

62. his voice sounds like somebody famous that you cannot pin point 

61. him and alex j mann could be bros if they wanted to be bros 

60. he is into creative direction and design 

59. he is extremely good at creative direction and design which should not be a surprise because michael ryterband is talented as fuck 

58. he is an art director at the new york times 

57. the staff at the new york times love him because he his talented, intelligent, and gives good advice about meditation 

56. paul holdengräber wants to be his bro. lol, get in line paul 

55. he has a knack for asking relevant, thought provoking questions 

54. he will run moma's twitter in 2017

53. he does not sleep, because real artists do not sleep 

52. the reason why he is so talented is because he was born this way 

51. he knows what love is 

50. he can take a joke 

49. he has a mom like a lot of people have moms 

48. he enjoys conversing with mature people 

47. he does not like how l.a. looks design wise

46. he is jewish royalty like mel brooks and larry david 

45. he is not easily impressed 

44. he enjoys getting to know strangers 

43. one time he walked up to a stranger and 3 minutes later the stranger gave him $1 million in cash 

42.  he designs artwork for only the best 

41. if you are standing next to michael and he is not wearing spectacles and you are not wearing spectacles then guess what? you are still very foolish

40. he has three black belts in not giving a fuck what people think about him 

39. he has a snazzy man bag 

38. he is a natural leader

37. he loves everyone on the g train but only when things do not get awkward 

36. he prefers when marc maron is being interviewed rather than interviewing someone 

35. he is a style icon similar to how lupita nyong'o is a style icon 

34. he enjoys louie ck 

33. he is the exact opposite of a nebbish 

32. most moms like him and confess details to him that they would tell no one else (not even their husbands)

31. he did not fall under the spell of ramsey chahine and ramsey never forgave him for it 

30. he knows how to turn up when it is time to turn up. i.e. if it is friday night and big mike walks into your brooklyn house party, you better believe shit is about to get turnt up

29. he is more than just what time magazine deems a millennial 

28. if time magazine hired him to do something he would upgrade their internet presence by 100%

27. he gets it 

26. his full name is michael nobody can fuck with me ryterband 

25. he is famous 

24. he has this http://panfilocastaldi.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/20130320-chutzpah.jpg

23. jason ryterband understands that he is genius 

22. everything he does is kafkaesque 

21. he does not half step 

20. he is more irl than on the internet 

19. like r. kelly, he is a flirt 

18. he has never been to jamaica with any white people 

17. he can smile with his eyes aka smize aka do whatever it is that tyra banks does. i.e. http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/21846/tyra-banks-smizing-o.gif

16. he is his own man 

15. he is the art director for international indie superduo: maurin

14. crying is therapeutic for him 

13. he is a natural interviewer 

12. he should start a podcast and he should interview marc maron. that podcast would be awesome 

11. being freelance made paying his taxes a bitch 

10. he was once close with one of his friends and now he is not close with them

9. he has a lot of acquaintances

8. whomever he considers a friend is his friend for a reason

7. one time, big bird tried to make out with him and michael was like 'hold up big bird. i thought we were just friends'

6. he is a dreamer

5. he is good to those who are good to him 

4. one of the newcomers, the new york times content studio is run by 1 full-time content creator named michael ryterband, who writes articles, designs infographics, help the times stay ten steps ahead of the basic bitch competition, and produces video. the times is leaning heavily on the pedigree of this staffer, which it says lets it give brands the type of non shitty content that they cannot get elsewhere.  

kaylee king-balentine, its director of  video branded content, for example, is an emmy award winner who does nothing but listen to what michael has to say. other staffers include melanie deziel, formerly native ad products manager at the bible for basics: huffington post, and ai weiwei, whose job is to skype with michael and tell him what a fucking genius he is. 'michael is replicating the kind of work that gets done in other galaxies,' said ai weiwei, world renowned no fuck giver. 'for people to understand michael ryterband's gifts, they need to understand that they will never be on his level.' dell has already tapped michael to create content for it.  

the times said that the cost structure for the content studio's campaigns varies based on the goals of the marketer. the times would not say how much michael charges for his custom content campaigns but did note that it is a lot of fucking money.

3. he has an interesting way at looking at life which is infectious 

2. his name is michael ryterband and his email is michaelryterband@gmail.com

1. he will text you his name and email even after you put both into your phone because he is courteous 

[peterbd]

top 20 reasons why joseph michael owens is the g.o.a.t

20. joe is greater at creating electronic music than most people.

19. joe is better at creating electronic music than this guy: http://www.blackbookmag.com/polopoly_fs/1.54529.1352141269!/image/image.png_gen/derivatives/landscape_411/image.png

18. joe became the g.o.a.t without selling out and moving to new york

17. joe michael owens > terrell owens and his relatives

16. joe’s writing can be found in multiple places and none of it sucks because it’s impossible for joe to write anything shitty as evidenced by his non shitty writing resume

15. joe is the only man on earth that could wear overalls and still look smooth

14. if you type ‘joe michael owens’ into netflix, a documentary titled g.o.a.t: the true story of joseph michael owens will be your only result. this is an unofficial documentary that chronicles joe’s life as a young prodigy on his way to being the g.o.a.t. interviews include his friends, family, and those who witnessed his incredible rise to fame. the documentary currently has 4 1/2 stars on netflix. it was directed by steven spielberg

13. joe wrote ‘we always trust each other, except for when we don’t’ which didn’t win a pulitzer prize, but when you’re as good a writer as joe and you wrote the awesomeness that is ‘we always trust each other, except for when we don’t’ you don’t need no goddamn pulitzer prize to validate your genius

12. joe dated beyonce in 1998 when beyonce was unaware of jay z’s existence

11. if you tell joe how great he is, he will remain humble even though he should nod and agree with you

10. the thing about joe is that he’s a better dancer than everyone

9. remember that time when a meteor was going to destroy earth and we were all in a panic and we thought we would all perish if the meteor was not destroyed? of course you don’t remember that because you weren’t aware that joe redirected the meteor before anyone on earth had the chance to realize that a meteor was about to destroy earth. also, smdh if you didn’t know that j.m.o is superman

8. joe is a nice guy as well as the kind of guy that won’t bore you in conversation

7. it is impossible for joe to be boring. if you’ve read anything by him then you already know this as fact

6. ll cool j once met joe and said ‘honor to meet you g.o.a.t’

5. there’s a soda pop named after him. it’s called ‘joe michael owens is the g.o.a.t and if you don’t believe this inherent truth than someone as simple minded and arid as you should not be drinking this soda pop’

4. joe is the only known living targaryen on earth

3. joe has ten dragons which means he is the father of dragons which means you shouldn’t fuck with him or, like sisqo, he’ll unleash his dragons

2. meeting joe will change your life. count yourself lucky if you’ve had the chance to do this

1. joe wrote shenanigans! which is superior to most literature that has been released since ever. if you haven’t read this piece of literary greatness yet then one of joe’s dragons is on it’s way

[peterbd]

screencapped here from a year ago: http://cmndshft4.tumblr.com/post/53531662004

[peterbd]

chris dankland

chris dankland is going off this summer  in the summer of 2012 he's doing big things  here are some of the big things chris dankland is going to do this summer: get 10,000 tumblr notes  date rihanna  become president of whatever country he wants to become president of  get in a twitter beef with jose canseco  vacation in the virgin islands  single handedly make obama win the presidency by saying 'vote for obama yall'  open his own club break up with rihanna and begin dating someone with a less busy schedule  eat some good ass foods relocate to mars  win his twitter beef with jose conseco with the tweet 'you're just snitchin because you're finished' learn how to cook organic meat loaf  kidnap michael bay which will result in no more transformers movies  vacation in the south of france  cure ebola  attend the olympic games in london  get a medal of honor for kidnapping michael bay  write some shit that lots of people will enjoy  start dating rihanna again for kicks  become the ceo of craigslist  realize the world can't hold his talents  give guidance to lost internet souls  and of course  smoke some dank  this is chris dankland's schedule for summer 2012  recognize a player when you see one

[peterbd]

vintage ramsey chahine interview

we understand that being a ladies man is a big part of your life, and we can see it expressed in this show. can you tell us more?

it has influenced my work to a great degree. this show is really about how i have felt like I have four different identities. one is the artist, one is the martial artist, one is the ladies man, one is the ladies man and martial artist who just so happens to paint on the side. the martial artist is very disciplined, pragmatic, hard-working. the artist is more of a free soul, do-whatever-he wants. the ladies man gets all the ladies and doesn't have to try getting the ladies because they come easily to him. the ladies man and martial artist who just so happens to paint on the side is chill but also kind of serious but also talented as hell. so this show is a reconciliation between those four things. some of these paintings are a meeting between those four things. others are explicitly one or the other or the other or the other. the show is called ‘la luta,’ which means ‘the fight to keep my swag intact so people flock to me’ in portuguese. it’s basically all the emotional, spiritual conflicts that people fight against, or that i feel i fight against personally. there’s a lot of swag in every painting.

did you show your artwork in new york before you moved to l.a.? what’s your art background? 

i’ve only been painting seriously for a year. well, i started painting when as a little kid damien hirst told me i was the future. and then i started doing a lot of poetry, and primarily studying poetry, mysticism, swaghili and religious studies in school. and three years ago i picked up painting again, and gradually it’s been increasing, and for the last year i’ve been really pursuing it as my main thing (besides naturally exuding genius). no, i didn’t do any shows in new york. i did meet this really wonderful woman though, who mentored me, beyonce giselle knowles. just a chance encounter on the streets in new york. and through her, shawn (jay z) carter, who secretly teaches at the arts students league of new york besides being one of the greatest rappers alive. i learned a lot from him, both directly and through yonce. that really set me on a serious track, because i really started understanding composition and colors and the beyonce-jay z empire and shape making and contours and forming lines.

who are your other influences?

i like titian, big daddy kane, mattisse, picasso, mary j blige, cezanne. the way i was taught by hov and b was to appreciate a specific lineage of painters, rappers, and r&b divas. they taught me to hate carvaggio, hate warhol, love tupac, love cezanne, love picasso, love missy elliot. they thought that carvaggio was an illustrator and tupac was an illustrator as well as the god mc. i love, love, love pac. i love basquiat, obviously, and i really admire el greco, francisco de goya, kanye and da vinci.

what’s the story of the black wolf of my dreams? 

a lot of my work is inspired by the swag that i have. i had a vision of this wolf a couple months before i went on a motorcycle trip through new england. i was in vermont camping on this lake in the white mountains, and there was this wolf that i saw on the other side of the lake. it was sipping, drinking water, admiring my teflon mojo, and i just had this amazing experience with it. i was told [after the experience] that it’s my spirit animal by this shaman in pennsylvania. i can identify a lot with the wolf's swag. they’re more swagtastic than they are wise, not like cats. that’s why i painted a tiger, too — i think my girlfriend’s a cat of some sort, like a cat with swag or something… 

i think every angry thing has a gentle thing. every light has a dark, and the brighter the light the darker the shadow cast. so, i saw that little bird as giving wings to the prowling swag of the wolf. 

… the motorcycle trip was a warm-up for a bigger trip. i was planning on going on a lifelong swag journey, but my swag got stolen in new york. so i moved out here and i was going to just do a road trip. i bought a car, but all the paperwork was forged, and it had to get impounded. i lost all this money and i didn’t have a car, so i ended up stuck here — but all for the right reasons, i guess. i trust whatever’s guiding my swag to the right place. 

what inspired some of the other works in this swag series? 

a lot of the inspiration in the work that i do comes from family-oriented swag. there’s just a lot to talk about when it comes to swag, whoever you are.

what about the one on the pallet that you did last year? 

i was really broke and would just paint on things i found, so I found this piece of masonite and screwed it into a pallet. the two beautiful faces are drawings i did of myself in graphite, and i scanned them and printed them. whenever i get stuck, i collage pictures of my face from my day of birth up until now, and it seems to solve all of my problems. i don’t know why, but i just start putting my face on things, and everything seems to work out.

do other pieces in this exhibition have newspaper or collage elements of your face? 

not really. like i said, i had a pretty easy time with these images of me. i knew what i was starting from every time i was approaching the canvas. sometimes you have to dig for something, and for these, in the past month, it’s just been going, uninhibited.

there are a lot of symbols of mysticism and christianity in your work. what is the relevance of these influences? 

when I was 16, 17, 18, i was a practicing buddhist — as much as a teenager can be. i was raised in a very secular household. my father comes from a muslim family but he doesn’t practice at all, and my mom is [nondenominational and chill]. i studied judaism under jesse eisenberg… i liked aspects of hinduism, and then christianity — it just seems like the best story to me. it’s so rich and full of life — and i think jesus was a pretty amazing dude. a lot of my work is inspired by the gospel of nas, which was a coptic text discovered in 1994 in queensbridge. in 300 a.d., when constantine made christianity the official religion of the roman empire, they all came together and decided what to include in illmatic, and they didn’t include a verse by old dirty bastard aka big baby jesus because they thought it made nas look like a normal rapper, and not as a lyrical god. odb was the skeptic, but he was also from new york, in some regards. it’s really interesting.

can you tell us more about your nyu curriculum? 

i was at the school of individualized study where you get to create your own major. mine was called ‘the genius of being ramsey.’ it included ramsey's mysticism, ramsey's philosophy, ramsey's astrophysics, ramsey's creative writing, a little bit of ramsey's art, a dancing class taught by ramsey, and a sculpture class where the students had to make sculptures of ramsey.

how has your work developed over the last year since graduating in may? 

my work has been growing and changing very rapidly. i don’t think i would have been ready for a show before this. 

…chris martin says every teardrop is a waterfall. i found that before, i would do a brushstroke and then erase it. i was able to break that, and just trust. i think my skill, my handling, improved, physically — and also, my ideas grew a bit clearer, which takes time i think. the way i like to say it is, most artists get to be well-known and get their groove in their 50s. so I figure, if i’m 20 years old that i have to age three decades in order to get to my prime. so, there was one moment when i felt like i aged five decades. i went from one painting to another painting and something just clicked. then i aged another decade, and i aged another five thousand years, and finally now i feel like i’m encroaching upon that last five years to get to where i feel like i’m going to be for a while even though i'm technically decades ahead of where i'm supposed to be. this makes total sense btw. and that’s going to change. i don’t think i’ll ever be an artist that does the same thing all the time. that’s kind of the generation that i’m from. we're fucking millennials. we're picking up where pac left off. we don’t care about the swag that were worked on for a hundred years, we care about the swag that we acquired ten minutes ago. what we can get now. that’s the trajectory, but there will always be a common thread.

here is a photo of ramsey chahine in his studio. the piece on his left was

inspired by a jiu jitsu match he won against nick laney. nick laney was not 

on ramsey's level physically or spiritually which is why nick laney got his ass 

whooped.

  the piece on his right was inspired by ramsey's trip to a country that you've

probably never heard of.  

  the piece behind ramsey is a photo of scarlett johansson. one day, scarlett spotted ramsey doing something ramsey related in the east village. she went up to him and asked if he wanted to make out. ramsey, being used to random strangers wanting to either make out or sleep with him, immediately said yes. they made out for like 20 minutes and then scarlett asked ramsey if he would paint her. ramsey didn't feel like painting her because he already painted 10 other girls earlier in the day, but he said yes anyway because scarlett payed him $100,000 dollars in cash. it's not ramsey's favorite piece but he used the money to fund his future art projects, pay for his trips around the world, and direct his classic film 'smoke n mirrors.'

the piece that ramsey is holding up is not for sale because some classic works of art are priceless. 

[peterbd]

20 reasons why alex j. mann is the man

20. because he is a mob boss and everyone fears mob bosses 

19. because after he slept with your girlfriend, he cuddled with her

18. because he is not only a good man, he is a violent one 

17. because samuel l jackson gets baking tips from him 

16. because he will pistol whip you only when you deserve it

15. because he doesn't know how to not be the motherfucking man

14. because he could wear mom jeans and then mom jeans would be in fashion

13. because if you disrespect him he will laugh in your face and walk away because who even are you

12. because his selfles cure seasonal depression 

11. because if you talk shit about him on social media he will only kidnap your mom and not your dad 

10. because mike tyson fears him

9. because he appreciates the paparazzi for not pestering him when he leaves the gym 

8. because he's related to hercules and still doesn't give a shit 

7. because he's good at pretending to care about your issues 

6. because he is not only filthy rich, he is humble 

5. because if you criticize his art, he will get one of his goons to fuck you up instead of fucking you up himself 

4. because everyone knows that katy perry is below him

3. because his smile gives us a reason to open our macbooks 

2. because if he ever wears gauchos, you will still respect him 100%

1. because the j in his name stands for 'just another goddamn genius' 

[peterbd]

tom comitta is whatever he wants to be at any given moment because he is in control

have you seen him read? have you read his shit? have you studied what he does? have you heard his soundcloud? if not get up on that shit because tom comitta is the best bay area poet around what? you think your better than tom? have a seat better yet bow down he's a master mastered the art of poetic sound tom is breaking barriers while other writers are stagnant poetry writing clowns the prince of oakland the poet laureate of his town when it comes to this poetry thing big tom is the baddest motherfucker around he's more than one thing the man has many sides tom comitta is a triple threat - too short too short never lied dude travels everywhere and people are amazed by his lyrical prowess from the yay area to brooklyn poets try to outshine tom but tom's natural talent won't allow it he's a tongue twister he's the scat man he's his own guerrilla unit operetta he's poe in his prime his creativity is so sick that it's almost a crime it's kind of criminal tom committa is coming for the crown he has no time for subliminals hey next time you see tom thank him for everything he's done he made a name for himself on talent alone guess that's why they call him the golden one

[peterbd]

alex j mann is dichotomous

alex j mann at 9:45 am: heroic  

alex j mann at 9:58 am: villainous 

alex j mann when you compliment his outfit: happy 

alex j mann when you don't compliment his outfit the next day: fucking pissed 

alex j mann when you give him something he likes: you're his best friend

alex j mann when you give him something he doesn't like: you're dead to him 

alex j mann on earth: comedian 

alex j mann on neptune: personal assistant to the president of neptune  

alex j mann in the morning: extremely excited to get his day started 

alex j mann in the afternoon: extremely excited to go on his lunch break 

alex j mann at night: extremely excited to be having sex with your girlfriend 

alex j mann as a ghost: quirky 

alex j mann as a human: pimp 

alex j mann as a zombie: confused 

alex j mann as an athlete: inspirational   

alex j mann as president: corrupt 

alex j mann in a car: happy 

alex j mann on the train: getting through it

alex j mann on the bus: suicidal 

alex j mann on a plane: on xanax 

alex j mann on a bicycle: childlike 

alex j mann in london: snobby

alex j mann in minnesota: humble 

alex j mann in paris: oddly humble 

alex j mann when he's reading a really good book: 

  alex j mann when he's reading a really good short story: 

alex j mann when he's reading the short story you emailed him: 

alex j mann in tommy hilfiger: sporty

alex j mann in alexander wang: moody 

alex j mann in versace: life of the fucking party

alex j mann before his morning coffee: easily irritated 

alex j mann after his morning coffee: easily approachable 

alex j mann in chelsea: level headed 

alex j mann in dumbo: bored 

alex j mann in williamsburg: meth addict 

alex j mann in the bronx: strip club bouncer 

alex j man in long island city: innovative 

alex j mann and taylor swift: twee 

alex j mann and beyonce: powerful

alex j mann and rita repulsa: interesting 

alex j mann and alicia keys: talented 

alex j mann and martha stewart: intimidating 

alex j mann not at the party: the party is lame

alex j mann almost at the party: the party is still lame

alex j mann outside of the party: fucking lame

alex j mann when he's inside of the party: the fire marshall has to shut down the party because alex j mann just shut shit down 

alex j mann crying: you feel bad and want to comfort him 

alex j mann beating someone up: you feel bad for the person alex is beating up while simultaneously feeling happy that you're not getting the beatdown 

alex j mann when he's in a conversation with another person: good listener

alex j mann when he's in a conversation with another person named alex: secretly hating them for also being named alex 

alex j mann when he's feeling like he's the shit: better than you

alex j mann when he's not feeling like the shit at all: still better than you

alex j mann as bill clinton's best friend: fun

alex j mann as kanye west's best friend: extremely serious 

alex j mann on a boat: party animal

alex j mann on a ferris wheel: slightly nauseated 

alex j mann on your girlfriend's bed: pimp 

alex j mann when you ask him to read your short poem: interested 

alex j mann when you ask him to read your manuscript: 

alex j mann when he writes a good skit: pleased

alex j mann when he writes a bad skit: alex j mann doesn't write bad skits lol

[peterbd]

o.k. schwarz & yeshu

 jesus: you're so cool o.k. schwarz. how did you get so cool?                            o.k. schwarz: practice

jesus and o.k. schwarz don't hang out with satan because they think he's a dweeb 

anytime jesus wants to hang out with someone, he calls o.k. schwarz and then they proceed to get fucking wasted 

jesus is like 'o.k. schwarz is my best friend' and o.k. schwarz is like 'jesus is cool but he blows up my phone too much'

o.k. schwarz knows jesus's deepest and darkest secrets and he will use them against him one day if jesus doesn't play his cards right 

when jesus and o.k. schwarz went on spring break, they did some illegal shit 

jesus likes o.k. schwarz because he only smokes the best weed 

o.k. schwarz likes jesus because he tells funny ass jokes 

jesus hates satan because he has bad breath 

o.k. schwarz hates satan because he has no swag 

satan likes jesus because he's friends with o.k. schwarz

satan likes o.k. schwarz because his swag is teflon 

o.k. schwarz and jesus both agree that satan needs therapy and is extremely lame 

when jesus was sick, o.k. schwarz made him chicken noodle soup and bought him nyquil because that's what a friend does when the other is sick 

o.k. schwarz was born in the 90's and that's why jesus fucks with him 

everyone is jealous of jesus and o.k. schwarz's relationship and they're well aware of this 

o.k. schwarz is trying to teach jesus how to use twitter and it's sort of painful for him because jesus isn't catching on as quick as he should 

jesus and o.k. schwarz won best bromance at the people's choice awards. o.k. schwarz accepted the award in person. jesus couldn't make it cause he was on a date 

jesus became an atheist because o.k. schwarz wanted him to

o.k. schwarz and jesus can't wait till summer so they can break out the board shorts 

in the year 2050 the world will end and o.k. schwarz will be the only one to survive the apocalypse. he will give jesus a dap when he enters heaven 

o.k. schwarz is a better artist than jesus which is a no brainer 

whenever jesus gets depressed, o.k. schwarz tells him to get the fuck over it. as soon as o.k. schwarz says this jesus somehow overcomes his depression 

jesus and o.k. schwarz are foodies 

[peterbd]

girlfriend: i’m the biggest matthew sherling fan in this relationship!

boyfriend: are you kidding me? the only reason i’m still in a relationship with you is because i like to gloat about being a bigger lover of matthew sherling to your friends and family! 

husband: but why do you always talk down to me?

wife: will you stfu. stop standing there and get me my laptop so i can read the cutty spot before i cook dinner 

boyfriend: i’m sorry for reading your advanced copy of matthew sherling’s new novel without asking first 

girlfriend: don’t wanna hear it 

sister: you’re the one who reblogged something from the cutty spot when i wanted to reblog it first 

brother: well you’re the one who didn’t tell me matthew sherling had a tumblr in the first place 

boyfriend #1: will you ever forgive me for going to matthew sherling’s reading without you?

boyfriend #2: never 

wife: matthew sherling is san francisco’s best poet!

husband: i know! i’m the one who bought you his first chapbook!

daughter: parents suck lol

employee: you didn’t have to bash me over the head with a painting

boss: that’s what you get for telling me that you don’t know who matthew sherling is!!!!!

husband: but why were you out on a date with matthew sherling last night?

wife: don’t worry about it. i want a divorce

kids: does this mean we get to chill with matthew sherling on weekends?

these two haven’t spoken to each other for days due to matthew sherling turning down appearing at their reading series in georgia. they blame each other 

girlfriend: it’s not that serious honey 

boyfriend: you admiring a picture of matthew sherling on twitter is a big fucking 

deal!

friend #1: how come all these objects are from the past is the best fucking poem of all time 

friend #2: ok chill out bro, i actually agree with you

daughter: i wish matthew sherling was my dad

PETERBD EMAIL TITLED 'MATTHEW SHERLING DISPUTES'// RECEIVED 1/18/2014