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[petty-b]

What I Want my Professors and Classmates To Know About My Bipolar Disorder

To my dear professors and classmates, First of all, I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1 with Psychotic features. It is an illness that I cannot just snap out of. I have extreme mood swings and my emotions are uncontrollable. I experience panic attacks. I am taking medications but it is not something that would give me rainbows and unicorns. These medications just stabilize my emotions and help with my psychosis. I experience both visual and auditory hallucinations, and no, I am not crazy. Being a college student is hard enough - away from your loved ones with tons of work to do, and trying to actually learn something that could potentially help build your future. However, it is much harder to survive college if you have an illness. The most important thing I have done for the past semester and this semester is to survive. My life is hanging on a thread. It is actually sad and rewarding at the same time that the most important accomplishment of my everyday life is that I am still breathing after a long, tiring day. I never knew that being able to last the day would be so much tiring. I actually need to convince myself a couple of times that I am loved and I can get through this. I am writing this letter not to make excuses but to tell you what I am feeling right now. I am ashamed, embarrassed, and sorry. I am ashamed of myself for not doing a great job in class compared to the previous semesters that you had me as a student, and a classmate. I am ashamed that I already used all of my allowed absences even though it is not even the half of the semester yet. I am ashamed of myself because I cannot even finish a paper or review for an exam or a quiz without breaking down. I am ashamed because I am not the same straight A student that I used to be. You barely see me in class, and whenever I am in class it is either I’m asleep or I am not focused. I am embarrassed of my poor performance. I am sorry that I fall asleep in class. I am sorry. My medications are making me feel sleepy. I try my best to focus but my mind and body won’t cooperate. You will notice that I drink lots of coffee in our classes. I know that my doctor advised me not to drink caffeine but I am taking the risk if it could help me to stay awake during classes. I cannot focus in our lectures and I don’t think I am actually learning. I am embarrassed because I feel like I am being left behind. I feel like everybody in my classes is learning except me. Ma’am, Sir, do not worry. It is not your fault. The fault is mine. I am embarrassed of every time I suddenly walked out of our classroom, I am having a panic attack and most of the time, I go straight to the comfort room to cry and puke. I am sorry for failing to show up on exam days and quiz bee days. I cannot help not to be anxious. My anxiety is uncontrollable. I cannot focus on our discussions. I am sorry. I find it hard to get out of bed. I would spend most of the days sleeping and crying. I am sorry if I do not show up for class or if I show up I do not shower. It is a god damn marathon for me to get up and take a shower. My classmates would ask me where is the person they knew who would put make up on every day. I would like to tell them I do not know where she is or who she is anymore. I cannot even do my daily routine. I am sorry for the all the make-up exams and quizzes. I thank you for your support and patience. I am sorry that despite your support I still think of killing myself. I am sorry that one minute I am laughing in class with you and then another minute later I am bursting into tears. I am sorry. What I am actually saying is: I would like you to know that I am struggling and every day is a new challenge for me to stay alive. I would like you all to know that I am sorry for all my shortcomings but I am trying my very best. It may not look like it but I am giving my 100%. I am asking you a favor not to pity me but to understand me. Thank you.

[petty-b]

To My Relatives Asking Questions About My Bipolar Disorder This Holiday Season

Disclaimer: This was published by The Mighty on their online page. I contributed this article to them I am just reposting it here.

Since I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychotic features, you have been asking me a bunch of questions. So, I would like to tell you five things about my condition during this holiday season:

1. I am not “crazy,” and I am not “just doing this” to get attention.

The auditory hallucinations I’m experiencing are because of my condition. I am not making all of this up. Please, stop calling me names and stop asking me if I am “losing it.” I am not.

2. My mood swings are not like your typical mood swings.

Please, stop comparing yourself to me. This is not because it’s “that-time-of-the-month.”

3. My episodes are not by choice.

I am dealing with manic depression. I am not just sad. I am not lazy. I am having trouble getting up in the morning.

4. I am not a killjoy.

I’m sorry if I can’t keep up with the holiday feeling. I’m sorry I barely get out of bed and talk to you. I wanted to, but my body won’t let me. I am too empty to function. I am sorry, too, if you are having troubles keeping up with my mood change. I am sorry if you are confused. I am, too.

5. I want your support and understanding.

I want your love, and I want your respect. I want you to be here for me while I am trying to recover. I want you to understand and accept my condition.

I love you, guys. I need your support and love more than ever. I cannot handle your frowns, frustrations and disappointments. Please, bear with me. Be with me. One more thing, please stop comparing your struggles with me, and please, stop calling me weak. I am trying to survive every day. I am fighting for my life every single day

https://themighty.com/2016/12/what-to-know-about-your-loved-ones-bipolar-disorder-this-christmas/

[petty-b]

It is terrifying to be alone and roam free in the world when you never tried it. You are always dependent and not alone for your whole life. You do not know what is the life waiting for you when you start cutting people loose from your life and when you start burning bridges. You do not have to be afraid. The world is ready and is excited for someone like you. No, it is not unicorns and rainbows out there. Darling, you should never confused yourself with the idea of being alone. Being alone does not always mean that you will be bitter and unhappy. Sometimes being alone will help you realize your true worth and will make you understand that you deserve better. Sometimes being alone will bring you happiness. You will discover that you can make yourself happy and you should not be afraid and held down by anybody. Burn bridges because those will not lead you to anywhere anymore. Do not be afraid to take new paths and walk on new roads and bridges. You deserve it.

[petty-b]

It is surprising that the second love is actually making me realize how unhappy and pitiful I am waiting for the one to come back. The second love’s love for me is crushing the pain I feel inside. He is able to help me bring myself back to life and taught me that I do not need saving from the one that got away or from anyone else. He taught me that it is only I that can save me, and I am my knight and shining armor. The second love taught me that I can make myself happy and I am the only one capable of filling the holes the one left when he left. The second love taught me that I am an independent and a very strong woman and I am my own savior. I am not an object that needs to be owned to feel useful. I am woman and I am a human being. The second love taught me that my idea of love is not love at all. The idea of love that I used to believe in is deeply rooted in private ownership and patriarchy. Actually, even my idea of a good sex is basically based on patriarchy. I learned that I don’t even need to adhere to the impossible beauty ideals of the society in order to be adored, admired and loved. I do not need to make my self “sellable” in the market of love. I am not some doll in display waiting for a man to pick me. I don’t even need to be courted and be fragile that seeks protection from a man. I do not need a boyfriend that picked me because I am beautiful and/or sexy. I need someone who knows that I should be loved not because of how I look. I do not need a man to tell me I am beautiful because I know I am. I do not need to impress a man with my mind because I know how impressive my mind is and how intelligent I am. I do not need men’s affirmation and approval. The second love love’s for me is really impressive because it taught me that I am entitled to my own opinion, to my body and to my life. It taught me that what I need is to learn to love myself and the feeling of love, happiness and satisfaction is not dependent on a man. I am able to give myself love. I am able to make me happy and satisfied. I am not an object and a property that needs protection and ownership. I am not a sex object and I am definitely not someone’s “my girl”. The only person who can call me mine is me -- no one else has the right to call dibs on me. The second love taught me that I do not need compliments from men to feel beautiful. I am beautiful and men’s opinions do not matter. The only opinion that matters is mine. The second love taught me that I don’t need to be loved by and seek love from men. The only love that I need to seek is my love for myself. I am enough, actually more than enough. :)