phatphoebs - Tumblr blog

[phatphoebs]

she said and binged and purged the whole day...

why am I stuck on 73,8Kg?!

[phatphoebs]

why am I stuck on 73,8Kg?!

[phatphoebs]

What am I? God?

Sorry for the exagarration but I need to feel good about myself.

Reasons why I can feel good about myself:

1. It seems like I found an actual start again. I am on the way to get back on track without losing controll. It just needs a little bit more time to really get over into my blood but I am on the best way there.

2. Did I say I am getting on the right track again? Well let me tell you about my fuck up. Yesterday I met up with a friend to go watch a movie together and I allowed myself some chips. Long story short, I ate the whole bag. Movie was good though. After the movie we went to get food at a place I love but rarely am at. So I allowed myself my favorite food there. Ya'll I gotta tell I was FULL TO THE BRIM! I could have puked right then and there! But I postponed it to when I was home. And so I did and I did it well. Multiple times chugging water and then letting it all out. Apparently I got rid of so much that I am not weighting more than yesterday? Sure I would love to weight less than yesterday but you don't know how full I was yesterday. I thought I would be back at my SW.

So yeah... thats why I feel good.

[phatphoebs]

GOTCHA! Why did I knew that my brother would form an eating disorder?! Oh yeah right! Because my whole family has an eating disorder.

[phatphoebs]

Things Game Masters of Escaperooms say that just make sense:

- If you dont want to get into the coffin I can come and bring you to the other side myself. I have a key.

- I think the rails derailed...

- Someone just needs to sacrifice themselfen and then they're through.

- Broooo the arm just fell on one of the players.

- I refilled the chemicals yesterday. If there isn't enough the players must have fucked up big time!

- *players when they get handcuffed* That just liek last night.

- They finally made it through the fridge!

- SKIP!

- The moving wall is stuck again!

- Oh fuck they are out! I need to go!

- Hey can you chase them with the chainsaw today? I really don't want to.

[phatphoebs]

Its chair rim season guys!

at least my shorts still fit me

[phatphoebs]

I just remembered when I was little. My dad was sick with cancer and had to go to a doctor a lot before he got hopitalized. One time mom was at work and he was at home taking care of me and too me with him to the doctor because he had an appointment. Dad was really not an emotional guy. He was really not. But I just remembered how I saw him then and how a tear rolled down his face. Just one. And as a kid I wasn't really sure what it meant. I thought he was sad (what he probably was) but he said everythings okay. And I didn't dig deeper.

I am thinking about how he must have felt. Seeing his kid in front of him. Not being able to sit still and just walking around in the waiting room not aware of the fact that my father wouldn't be around much longer. And he knew everything would eventually come to an end sooner or later.

It kind of breaks my heart right now. I wished I could go back. I wished I was older then to be actually there for him and asure him that it's okay.

I wonder what he would say if he could see me now.

[phatphoebs]

getting back on track and it starts with a vegan yoghurt binge... grat. But I purged it and today I am too busy to eat. Going climbing with friends. Felt a little dizzy this morning but a little dextrose tablet is the key.

[phatphoebs]

I figured I can't make healthy food to eat through the week. Its mostly not that great and to eat it cold because I dont want to heat it up and then have to do the dishes is just not the way to go. So I am making myself some sandwiches now. I like them. And then it will be easier hopefully.

Lets get back controll!!!

[phatphoebs]

I hate clubs

But I still went to one with two friends from school. We drank and we had some snow and I had so much fun. And then we went to another friend of mine which is the girlfried of one of the friends and then I sat down on her couch with the other as the sun was rising and we shared a blanket and he put an arm around me as we drank the last beer. It was so sweet simple and platonic. I hate that this night is over. I want to feel like that again. But then I went home and to sleep and the depression hit and I felt so low and so energyless. I hate that! I felt like that the whole winter long. And then the day after that felt the same but I still got ip and did stuff and then I felt good and now after that day I even feel really good. The sun is shining. I am about to meet my friend to record another podcast episode and I actually feel like I could get back on track with the whole ana thing. This should be my year! I really want it. My goal is to not have such a bad winter again. It was hell!!!

And I still want another great night with those friends in the club but I feel like I need to stop now or it will take ages for me to rwcover again and to feel like I am feeling now. Why does life have to be so hard?

But I am not drowning in that thought now. I am going to embrace that feeling now as long as possible!

[phatphoebs]

The ed urge to run to the store for a binge but you actually dont feel so bingey today so that would be just a dump idea...

[phatphoebs]

Okay look I have a theory about ed tumblr.

We all know the classic thinspo pics, the poems videos and songs. The classics! I believe those come from the time where social media was less careful with their content filter. This comes from a time where people were ACTUALLY free to live out their fantasies here. And now you sometimes crave the feeling that you felt when seeing those things for the first time. The influence it had on you.

And since you have to be more carefull now what you post people got less creative.

[phatphoebs]

I have some plans for the next days.

a) I will only eat what I have prepared which is 185g of apple/apricot sauce(?) (like applesauce but with apricots) 151g of cucumbers, 115g of grapes and 28g of ready mashed potatoes.

b) I saw some trend on tiktok where people recreate pinterest pictures just for the hell of it and to boost their selfworth feeling. I am kinda scared from it because my body got FAT AF but I mean its a hobby at least so yeah.

Tomorrow I will visit my friend for our Podcast. She also has an ed and we are pretty open about that. Most of the time we eat there but this time I will get my cucumbers and grapes and tell her thats my "snack" before dinner because "My ed is flaring up and I'm trying to get it under controll again with a plan of what and when to eat.". In case she is gonna ask what my dinner is it will be Chili sin carne because that what I already told her today but in case she asks what my breakfast was I just dont know what to say. Maybe I just say that I had some nuts and a whole glass of my apple/apricot sauce because we all know how we are with breakfast. She will understand. Lunch? Maybe I could say that I had a sandwich and a soup or something like that? That seems legit I think.

I will also say goodbye for good to lactose. I forgot that I havent eaten anything with that in the last few weeks or so and then I did that yesterday and I had the biggest stomachache and such bad visits to the toilet! I feel so disgusting! Gotta stop it finally!

AND ALSO I WANNA TELL MY ED FRIEND "HEY LETS GO AND MAKE A COMPETITION ON WHO CAN GO LONGER WITHOUT FOOD" BUT SHE HAS A CHILD AND FIANCE AND ALSO I LIKE HER SO THAT WOULD JUST BE NOT NICE TO DO BUT SOMETIMES I JUST WANT THE PRESSURE OR SOMEONE TO GO THIS ROAD TOGETHER!!!

(But at the dame time I dont want to do this ana boddy thing with strangers on the internet because I have hella social anxiety)

[phatphoebs]

One thing you need to know about me is that I am in no way ugly. I might not be pretty that much but I am not ugly... BUT MY EFFING SIDE PROFILE IS SO GOD DAMNED UGLY IT OVERSHADOWS EVERYTHING!

WHO EVEN IS THIS BIZZ?!

[phatphoebs]

PICKY EATERS

Mark the ones you wouldn't eat. I was too lazy to figure out how to highlight things so I just crossed them. I am a little shook of what is left...

[phatphoebs]

When I eat a whole watermelon I want everyone who wants to tell me 'thats unhealthy because of all the sugar' to shut the f up!

I cant afford to be scared of watermelon. I feel great eating it! Its my safe food and noone can take it from me!

[phatphoebs]

I remember when the sun hit my face and the birds were chirping outside of my window.

I woke up and knew it was gonna be a good day. I put on my crop top and those shorts I bought when I was bigger. They were hanging lose and I needed a belt. I looked so tiny in them. I remembered everything I needed to do that day and went on to make myself a cold cup of tea while Samsas Solo was playing in the background. My flatmate wasn't home and I had the whole apartment for myself.

Pure power was racing through my veins; the weakness had left my body a while ago. I wasn't getting dizzy that often anymore. I just got used to it. And everyday the number got lower.

The only thing I was going to eat today was that sweet, fresh and watery watermelon that would help me lose more.

I felt hot.

I felt good.

All my problems just kind of poofed.

For once in my life I thought that maybe life wasn't that bad afterall...

And then the next phase started. I had to move. I shouldn't have gone to the last bbq of my family. I hated them anyways.

School started and I had to renovate my whole apartment. I had build a new kitchen. Problems here and there and I just wanted a break. And so I took it. I met with my friends and didn't hate myself when I ate. I had earned it. Little did I know that my body was getting used to eating again.

Real food.

In a matter of second we have hit winter. My new apartment was as dark as the night itself. The sun wasn't reaching me anymore. I got more and more depressed. The power in my veins grew thinner and the weakness bigger. I started eating more and more. Falling into a binge. Losing all the controll I had and then being back at the beginning.

I remember calling my friend at three in the morning. I was drunk and there were just two pills left. All the days I've spend looking at the wall or on my phone while sitting on the couch. Feeling myself getting bigger again. Being scared of what the scale might say. Trying again and again to get back from what I have achieved but just ended up eating more and more.

My brain felt like it was deceasing. Melting and turning into a soup inside my skull. The thoughts being eighter extremely loud or so quiet I was wondering if I was even thinking at all. The procrastination and the guilt I felt about myself.

I want to get back. I want to go back where I was. I want to feel like a godess again. I want to feel so good that I would start moving more gracefully. I want to go back to that moment where I felt good when a friend gave me a piggy back ride. I want to feel superior again. I want to feel like the main character and make every walk my hot girl walk.

I want to feel something again.