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[phoenix-outof-ashes-blog]

“Only, like, three percent have an excuse for that,” Phoenix mumbled, shaking his head. “I know that. But they don’t even make an effort to get any of it.” He looked down. “I just... she does understand... so why would she say that? She called me pathetic. How could she-- I don’t get it.”

“I don’t think too many people here have empathy at all sweetheart. It’s not your fault they don’t understand you can’t force them too” he said with a shrug, “those who do understand though will try to help you, like me.”

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“Yeah... I know. You just don’t seem... mean, or anything. But I guess I’m not a very good judge of character based on past events anyway.”

“Well, people can deceive you.”

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“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s not good. You seem nice to me.”

“No, not really. The doctors don’t like me that much,” she chuckled. 

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“You’re welcome. Are the doctors being nice to you?”

“Thanks…” she said quietly.  

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Phoenix stiffened when he felt him pull him in, focusing on his hands again, and the way they looked against the rest of the room. He had to blink hard a few times to get the room to look right again. “They should at least try. To imagine it. Everyone feels bad for Holocaust victims. And they should. But some of it was like that. Some of it was worse, I think. So why don’t they try to listen and understand at least a little bit? Why don’t they have... empathy?”

Jason pulled Phoenix closer, shushing him softly, “hey hey it’s okay, I know no one understands but they can’t they don’t know what it’s like for you. They didn’t go through that so it’s impossible to understand. I know it’s hard to deal with but I can’t stop them from being ignorant Phoenix.”

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“Thank you. I hope you feel better, with whatever you’re here for.”

“Well, I hope so too.”

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“Fine. I’m still here if you need me, but not to be your punching bag. ‘Bye.”

“Stay away from me.”

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Phoenix sat stiffly for a moment, staring at his hands to retain the waves of safety that washed in and then back out, leaving him feeling vulnerable. He needed to stay in reality. Finally, he allowed himself to lean against Jason lightly. "I think I hurt her feelings, maybe. But I didn't mean to. And she... she had bad stuff happen to her, and she said she would rather... have what happened to me... and-- why do people think it was so... easy? Why does everyone think-- God! Nobody gets it!"

Jason frowned, letting phoenix’s hair and back gently, comforting him before asking too many questions. “Want to talk about it? Tell me what she said? But you don’t have to. Come sit down okay?” He led Phoenix to his bed and he sat on the edge of it, patting the spot next to him for the smaller boy.

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Phoenix sighed, only feeling his back muscles twitch slightly in response to Jason’s hand. He waited a few moments before nodding, just a little. “Okay. Some of it. I don’t think she was... trying to be mean, but...” He followed him, a little sluggishly, dragging his feet along the floor before sinking into the bed and resting his elbows on his knees. “I... we were talking, and... before, she got mad at me because she... thought I liked her... besides a friend, but... I can’t really do that stuff. And she got upset.”

Jason frowned, letting phoenix’s hair and back gently, comforting him before asking too many questions. “Want to talk about it? Tell me what she said? But you don’t have to. Come sit down okay?” He led Phoenix to his bed and he sat on the edge of it, patting the spot next to him for the smaller boy.

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“Yes, you can. What are you s’posed to do, just keep it inside? Yeah, they’re your family! They’re the last people who should be doing this, and they definitely shouldn’t get away with it. They need to be in prison with... with... him. Wh-- I don’t like to ‘play’ it, but that’s how it is! No one who doesn’t hate women is going to tell you that you secretly liked it, or that you probably have some kind of-- fetish. You don’t get it. And I don’t get your stuff. So stop saying you wish you had what I got, please.” Phoenix shook his head. “You’re calling me pathetic. I don’t want to hear that kind of thing, not anymore. Not from someone I thought I could trust.”

“I can’t tell people who did this to me. I have to do that part on my own. They’re my family, Phoenix. You and my mom’s tombstone know. That’s it. Don’t play the gender card, you have no idea how I feel about being born a girl. If I was born the way I feel, they wouldn’t have touched me. My brother never got.. pushed around.” Jaclyn crossed her arms over her chest. “Fine. Just walk away.”

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“I think it’s probably good that I’m back. I hope. I hope it all goes well.”

“Yeah, I bet..” she said with a polite smile.

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“Yeah. It was nice. I missed them a lot, so.”

“Oh… Well, that’s good, I guess..”

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“Well... they didn’t get to spend that much time with me after I got out of... that place... so we went to this... family rehab thing. But it kinda felt like a vacation.”

“So what? You got out and now you’re back? Or did you actually get to vacation with your family?…”

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“Well... I just got back from being on a little... vacation I guess... with my family. But before that, I think it was a couple of months. Maybe three.”

“About a month… And you?”

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“Thank you. How long have you been here?”

“Nice to meet you as well.”

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Phoenix looked up when the door opened, biting down on his lip, harder than he typically would have. He shook his head. How was he supposed to explain that he was upset because someone had said something mean to him? It seemed stupider the more he thought about it, and wished he'd just figured it out himself. She was right, he was weak. He rested his chin on Jason's shoulder when he pulled him in, slowly wrapping his arms around him. It always made his heart skip a beat at first, then it returned to it's regular rhythm, confident that the person touching him was safe. "I-- I had a... fight with my friend. She said stuff. And I don't know how to stop... thinking about it."

Phoenix hadn’t been able to sleep after talking to Jaclyn. She could have said more, she could have said worse, but what stuck with him more than anything else was her claim that she wished she’d had what happened to him. Why did she think he had PTSD in the first place? And that stupid EDN– whatever it was called– did she want that, too? Did she want to remember the smell of brain matter? Was that better than the smell of sweat, in her opinion? Did she want to toss and turn for two hours, because sometimes the bed still felt too soft to sleep on? Did she want to have to rush in a panic through every shower for fear the water would get cold? Did she want to hear a doctor say she had nerve damage in her back because of how hard she’d been hit? She had no idea what that place had done to the rest of his life. He had stared at the photos for as long as he could before he had gone to the window and watched the sun rise, slowly. Finally, he decided that finding Jason was the best– really, the only– thing to do. He’d wandered around, avoiding staff for another hour before he finally found Ace’s door and knocked softly.

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Phoenix hadn't been able to sleep after talking to Jaclyn. She could have said more, she could have said worse, but what stuck with him more than anything else was her claim that she wished she'd had what happened to him. Why did she think he had PTSD in the first place? And that stupid EDN-- whatever it was called-- did she want that, too? Did she want to remember the smell of brain matter? Was that better than the smell of sweat, in her opinion? Did she want to toss and turn for two hours, because sometimes the bed still felt too soft to sleep on? Did she want to have to rush in a panic through every shower for fear the water would get cold? Did she want to hear a doctor say she had nerve damage in her back because of how hard she'd been hit? She had no idea what that place had done to the rest of his life. He had stared at the photos for as long as he could before he had gone to the window and watched the sun rise, slowly. Finally, he decided that finding Jason was the best-- really, the only-- thing to do. He'd wandered around, avoiding staff for another hour before he finally found Ace's door and knocked softly.