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[piecesbyra]

It’s November again.

This time last year I was so lonely.

Life threw the hard truth on my face when i was the least ready for it. The people I held too close to my heart let me down. The nights started to become long. The evenings were sad. And getting out of bed in the morning was the hardest thing to do. Facing the same people who didn’t care I live or die. Who crushed my heart like a paper ball. It was one of the worst days in my life. I spent my entire day swallowing the pain and looking forward to going back to sleep so I wouldn’t feel anything. I was exhausted. waiting to be healed.

I used to distract myself from the realities and suddenly all the pain came back crashing like a wave. sinking my heart. I wanted something to hold on to. I was waiting for a miracle to happen. I didn’t only lose my friends but also the hope of Him. i used to cry on the floor at 2 am and ice my swollen eyes in the morning. constantly questioning myself what did i do to deserve all the hurt.

Even on my worst day

did i deserve babe

all the hell you gave me?

I did some stupid things. In anger, in frustration, in revenge. To make them realise their wrongdoings. I wanted an answer from people.

I didnt have it in myself to go with grace

I started therapy. I realised people can’t be answers. They’re just more questions.

Logon se na’umeedi azaadi hay.

They are right, time heals everything. I got healed, the pain got buried. layer by layer. I still talk to them, laugh with them and look in their eyes without any regret. but its november again. I can feel it in the air, what they call, the trauma anniversary.

Hasil e zindagi hasraton k siwa kuch bhi nahi mohsin

ye kiya nahi wo hua nahi ye mila nahi, wo raha nahi

But Life was kind enough to me to give me exactly what i thought i lost last november. Him. He’s the best thing to happen to me this year. I look at him and I forget every time i cried, every time someone made me feel worthless, every time i felt abandoned. He embraces my presence like he has been longing for it since the day he came in this world. He heals me. He makes this world feel like home.

Iss shor machati dunya main aik sukoon ka lamha ho tum.

Life asks alot from me but a single moment in his arms makes all the pain seems worth it.

Aksar tum se mil kar mujhko ghar sa lagta hay, phir bhi janay kiun dil main darr sa lagta hay.

I pray I don’t lose the one real thing I have. I would trade my entire world for him, I would fall from grace for him, but God please, he’s not the price I want to pay for any wrongs I’ve done in my life. I would ruin myself for him, a million little times. He makes this miserable life worth living. I found my person.

Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah Alhumdulilah.

It’s November again, and I’m not lonely anymore.

[piecesbyra]

the problem is i have a big heart

[piecesbyra]

I’m tired of this constant shift in human behaviour, how can people leave after making you feel like you’re their world? Why do I always find myself explaining other people’s actions to myself when they are the one that owe an explanation.

[piecesbyra]

-19th November.

Its 1:37 am right now and I’m so tired. my coffee has been sitting out for 4 hours. my pillow still feels damp. 14 missed calls from my sister. my legs feel numb but my heart.

My heart still doesn’t understand why you did what you did to me. I’m still in denial. It feels like a bad dream and im going to wake up from it. It’s funny how you’re just living your life as if nothing happened and here I’m sitting constantly trying to come to terms with the fact that you actually went out and did that. As much as I want to be unbothered, it bothers me beyond anything. I’ve so much anger in my heart right now that it makes me feel sick. I dont hate you but i wish i did, because i cant love you anymore. because out of all the people in the world you were the last person that I thought would hurt me. We used to sing our hearts out in the backseat to the most heartbreaking songs ever and now I find those same songs relatable because of you. I remember one of you telling me that one of my good traits is that I “always want to create memories and I value friendships” then how can you go ahead and make memories without me. How can you go ahead and devalue our friendship like that. How can you share those moments with others that I made the plans for, I would’ve traded the world just to experience that with you. Those were the places we were supposed to see together.

you betrayed me. you betrayed my trust.

you betrayed our friendship. you betrayed

everything that i've ever stood for. you let

me down!

I want to tell you how much you hurt me. But as someone who almost always knows what to say I dont have anything to say this time. No amount of words can contain the pain you’ve brought to me. I hope I meet people with the same heart as I have. I would have never done this to you. I would’ve taken a bullet for you. I know there’s no reason to confront you. I know instead of acknowledging your mistake you will act clueless and victimise yourself and I’ll end up feeling guilty. Yeah because that’s what happened last time. And the time before the last time. And the time before that. Basically everytime you let me down. So I’ll just stay silent until the wound heals by itself.

You’ve disappointed me alot of times but this time it’s difficult. This one’s gonna hurt for a long time. I’ll probably spend weeks pondering where it went wrong, what I did wrong, why was my love never enough to make you stay. I don't know how I'll learn to be at peace with the fact that things might never go right again, this ache in my heart will remain there forever and I'll only learn to bury it, layers upon layers.

[piecesbyra]

Saw a post that said " Meine kabhi khud ko iss khushfehmi mei nahi rakha ki meri kami kisi ko udaas kareygi , logon ko log mil hi jatey hain , kabhi badtar se behtar aur kabhi behtar se behtareen "

[piecesbyra]

every so often i remember the ending of twenty-five-twenty-one and i have to just take a second

[piecesbyra]

intimacy is such a huge fucking turn on. not just physical intimacy but the kind where someone lets you in their mind. the closeness of being mentally, emotionally and energetically connected is HOT.

[piecesbyra]

Hand-holding

The purest form of human connection.

tiny hands in big hands

calloused hands in soft hands

cold hands in warm hands

hands with the perfect ratio to each other for hand-holding

platonic hand-holding

running their thumb over the other’s hand

dancing with their hands holding onto each other

squeezing hand for comfort and encouragement

holding hands across the table

happily doing everything with just one hand, if it means they don’t have to let go

not wanting to lose each other in a big crowd

possessive hand-holding

linking hands together during sex

grabbing hand to show them something

loosely holding onto each other’s hands, laying in one’s lap

only linking the pinkies together, not ready to let go completely

holding hands while skating

excitedly grabbing each other’s hands during a concert, jumping up and down together

playing with each other’s fingers

pressing the other’s hand against their cheek

holding hands while one is balancing on a small wall

grabbing the other’s hand to pull them back from something

holding hands under the table

only realizing it when they have to let go

standing in front of each other, holding both their hands

holding their hands above their head, fingers linked together

passionate hand-holding

grabbing the other’s hand so they don’t fall

holding hands while running through the rain

brushing against each other, linking fingers together for a second

grabbing their hand to grab their attention

not really paying attention, both doing something else, but still holding hands

bandaging the other’s hand and not quite letting go

holding hands while driving

grabbing the other’s hand to pull them back to them

unconsciously searching out each other’s hand while sleeping

not realizing they’re holding hands till someone points it out

swinging hands back and forth, skipping like children

holding hands in a museum to pull them to the next exhibition

letting go when there is an obstacle in their way and immediately grabbing each other’s hand again when they pass it

loosely holding onto each other’s hand

dragging the other with them, holding their hand

raising the other’s hand to their lips to kiss it softly

holding hands while jumping down from somewhere together

comparing hand sizes, then linking fingers together

secretly holding hands under the table

holding onto the other’s hand so they can’t run away

making a heart with their hands and then linking them together

taking the other’s hand to look for injuries

holding hands to calm each other down

Hugs|Kisses|Touching

[piecesbyra]

Ajab din the mohabbat k ajab din the rafaqat k

Kabhi gar yaad ajayen to palkon per sitaray jhilmilaate hain

Kabhi kisi ki yaad main raaton ko jagna mamool tha apna

Kabhi gar neend ajati to hum ye soch lete the

Abhi wo hamare wastay roya nahi hoga abhi soya nahi hoga

To hum bhi nahi sotay hum bhi nahi rotay

Phir hum usko yaad karte the

Akele beth kar weeran dil abaad karte the

Hamare samne akela chaand hota tha

Jo uske husan k agay bohat hi maand hota tha

Agli subah jab milte the to guzri raat ki har bekali ka zikr karte the

Main usko kehta tha janaan main raat ko aik pal nahi soya

To wo khamosh rehti thi, par uski neend main doobi do jheel si ankhen bol uthti thi

Main jab usay kehta tha maine raat ko sitaron main tumhara naam dekha tha

To wo kehti thi tum jhoot kehte ho sitare maine dekhe the aur un main tumhara naam likha tha

Ajab masoom larki thi kehti thi kabhi hamare sitaare bhi mil hi jaenge

Magar usko maloom na tha, mohabbat ki kahani main mohabbat karne walon k sitaare mil nahi sakte.

Kinaray mil nahi sakte.

(A nazm very close to my heart, read to me by someone who made me fall in love with urdu poetry, circa 2017)

[piecesbyra]

When Anuv Jain said.

“Toote makaan aik baar gir kar wese bante kahan hain jese the tu ne apne dil se banaye?”

When Gaurav Tiwari said

“Jaane do jo jaa chuka hai, kon kab kahan ruka hay? baat ye fizool hai inhen bhool jaane do”

When Gnash said

“Friends can break your heart too”

When Taylor Swift said

“You drew stars around my scars but now I’m bleeding”

When Talha Anjum said

“Tere sath wale tere sath likin tere sagay nahi”

It reminded me of all those friendship betrayals and the friends we lost along the way over fragile egos.

[piecesbyra]

And I will sit next to you, hold your hand, look into your eyes and tell you, "It's been long and it's been difficult and it took too many heartbreaks, too many almosts, too many places which didn't feel safe, too many times of feeling unseen and unheard, too much running, too much chasing, too many guards- sometimes yours, the other times, someone else's and yet here we are. I am glad I saw all I had to, am glad you had your own cycles, because if it weren't for them, you wouldn't be you, I wouldn't be me, and in this moment, as I hold your hand, and see you, really see you, we wouldn't be infinite"

[piecesbyra]

The truth is, I miss you.

More than I allow myself to admit.

More than i should.

More than you miss me, doubtlessly

A year ago losing you would have hurt

Today it doesn't.

Today there's void and longing.

Void and nostalgia.

But nothing more.

Because you don't deserve to be missed.

[piecesbyra]

Excerpts from the letters I’ll never send

I turn speechless when people ask me if I miss you. Would they understand that I'm so used to people leaving me after being too close to me? That for me losing someone close is like losing a pebble I found walking down the street? It's not that I don't love them or care for them. But you were the one who decided to leave from my life like many others. Stab my heart a thousand times and in the end it wont pain. I would just smile, wash my wounds and get ready for another dagger in my chest. That's what I'm used to. That's what life taught me. And I don't know if it's my fault.

-Day 444

[piecesbyra]

Tum toh humare jaane ke baad hue tanha, hum toh tumhare saath bhi akele they.

You became lonely only after I left, I was all alone even with you.

[piecesbyra]

Losing people while they're still there, right in front of you is another kind of ache

‏فاصلے ایسے بھی ہوں گے یہ کبھی سوچا نہ تھا

‏سامنے بیٹھا تھا میرے اور وہ میرا نہ تھا

‏عدیم ہاشمی

[piecesbyra]

Tujh ko paaya tha tou aik cheez bhi tujh jaisi na thi,

tujh ko khooya hai tou ab saara jahan tujh sa hai.

[piecesbyra]

Excerpts from the letters I’ll never send

The horrible truth is that not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes people make the wrong decisions for the wrong reasons and they are forced to live with them. You can’t turn back the clocks and redo life. You make a mistake and you pay the price. I give you the cold hard truth about life. You can’t change a decision you’ve already made, wrong or right. You can’t bring them back and you can’t fall  in love again. There are no second chances in this cold world. But on the loneliest nights, you can look up at the moon and smile, I do. Because although now we walk different paths with different people and though I know the years will pass and we will not be together, I’ll always remember that for a brief, fraction of time, against all odds, our stars crossed. It ended, and that is agonizing. But we got a moment.  And that has to be enough for me.

-Day 396