piercingnovember

[piercingnovember]

Life changes so rapidly

[piercingnovember]

I’m such a completely lonely person. I don’t want to dwell but every once in a while things come to a stop and I must. I’ve been so anxious this week - I’m never anxious I don’t know what’s up with me. I must be doing something wrong. Not moving enough. Not eating right. I’ve been in a sweat all day, all cold and clammy. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m disgusted by how much I care about everything. I wish I was closer to being heartless.

Maybe a trip would do me good this weekend. Get away from town for a little while. Feel the sun. Be alone. Turn off my phone. Stop checking incessantly for someone to be giving me attention. Stop looking. Stop looking. Stop looking. Maybe I’ll go now. I will go. I’ll pack up and leave tonight. No one in this town is looking for me so why should I wait around for them?

I’m so lonely. I miss having a companion. I really do. The pit in my chest is untouched and unfulfilled. Completely empty.

[piercingnovember]

this masquerade is so heartwarming and soft. the type that makes you laugh in the mirror and invite friends out for coffee and run and run and run. it makes me jump up and down and feel the heat fall onto my cheeks, laying down staring up at the sky in amazement. how could you be so amazing? i'm amazed, i truly am.

it feels so silly playing the game. i know that you have to be careful when you're falling because the crack of bones on pavement eventually comes but i can't see the bottom yet. no one ever sees the bottom coming, now do they? why should i be weary of something that no one has ever seen until they're in it? afterall, no one knows what to look out for. and honestly, as i feel the heat of his body against mine, building up to a point nearing unbearable - i can't even imagine caring about the bottom. i can't imagine that any pain of absence would or could overtake the joy of togetherness, of unity. two minds shared into one as we lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling for a split second then back into each others eyes. over and over again. warm kisses pressed against every part of me as if another one could make up for all the time we spend apart. it does. soft on my forehead or a tongue in my cheek, it always does. we stay up until obscene hours of the night, giggling and sharing secrets for no one else to hear. our slumber parties last for eternity but the night is in a constant attempt to catch us, to make us run away. this past weekend we played god. we said, what if the sun never came up? shall we spend eternity together if the brightness never rises to pull us apart? shall we stay a secret in this bedroom, the entire neighborhood gathering to watch our glow instead at the end of times. i'll never know because that stubborn sun always finds its way creeping towards us selfishly.

all we can ask is for but another second of each night. hushed and gentle comments asking if it's over yet, "i feel you falling asleep, do you think it's time to go home?" and you kiss me, "no, not yet" as the clock strikes 3:00. not yet, my love; i think i'll refrain. not yet.

[piercingnovember]

falling feels like flying til the bone crush. let's hope i'm free like a bird.

[piercingnovember]

Simone de Beauvoir, from "Inseraparable: A Never Before Published Novel,"

[piercingnovember]

maybe after all we can be more than suburban legends

[piercingnovember]

and that being said, i laugh out loud as i mindlessly search up bridesmaid dresses.

[piercingnovember]

maybe i'm playing in a fantasy but every moment with you feels the closest i've ever gotten to love. i genuinely feel like i'm in a cloud when i'm laying next to you. it's ridiculous but i can no longer bear to be mad about it. it just makes me smile as i'm walking into work. it makes me give compliments to strangers and friends. it gives me a little burst of joy that makes every hard moment or decision move easier. i love hearing your name. when we're apart, you're all i can speak about. you've completely infected my mind; i can hear your laughter from miles away. i'm so insufferable and i do it all with the biggest smile. i can't pretend i care at all. i can't help but bring you up in every conversation because you're simply all that's on my mind. you don't even know it. but you must know though based on my eyes when i'm with you, the smile that reaches up, the sharing of my favorite songs, putting on my favorite dress, dancing around my room and serenading you. i must be fun at concerts you say; it's because i hear a thousand symphonies in my head when you're laying with me. what's not to dance for?

i love your love. it's the sweetest i've ever had. perhaps we can preserve it by never making it real. keeping it a secret shared only between us. all of the best stories are short they say. we shall see.

[piercingnovember]

“It was an act of self-preservation — however misguided it was”.

[piercingnovember]

suburban legends - taylor swift

[piercingnovember]

today suburban legends came on and it borders on funny; i used to listen to that song and try to fit it around sam but realistically, the lyrics never fit, the emotions were always choppy, they were pretend. although we'd certainly be suburban legends and very well may be, there was never the associated loss; we never got close enough for it to ruin my life. he was always my gold rush, not my legend. the sun in my hometown that i didn't dare stare at to get burned. i was stubborn and i refused, even now.

but here's jimmy and there's nothing better than when you listen to a song and line after line, it just clicks. isn't that the best - even if it's for heart wrenching reason? he's my suburban legends. he's my risk, sweet dreams TN, style, hoax, bad for business - i mean, the list goes on but i'm getting carried away. the definition of a life ruiner; time i'll never get back. and she says it - "and you kissed me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever", "I always knew it - that my life would be ruined." because i do know it and i'm jumping in, waiting for the dreaded crash but i can't stay away. i must hate myself. how could anyone who loves themself stick with something like this? be objectified? be minimized. i wish i knew what it was but in some ways it's like a drug; i'm chasing the highs because they're like nothing i've ever known. it just never makes sense to me that if i'm feeling this much... how is he feeling nothing? if he kisses me the way he does and we laugh together and talk in the wee hours of the night causing us both to sleep in (and giggle about that in the morning as well), how does he feel nothing? it's lost on me, it truly is.

he must be actually crazy to feel nothing. the way he acts never aligns with the things he says and i know it's going to ruin me. but still, i stay and wait for us to become suburban legends.

[piercingnovember]

sometimes i look at my old diary entries and get embarrassed at the songs i'd relate to and let apply to my life. it feels so juvenile and more often than not, the songs become overplayed because of how seen i feel by them so when i look back they're just some cringy mismatched elephant on the page. especially given when the emotions fade and i just don't get it anymore. which in some ways is also why i love this part so much - the entries - they always take me back to a time that i loved. i'll be shattered if these ever disappear, i should have put them somewhere safer.

but anyway, point being said - there's no reason to be embarrassed by the past version of myself and i should tell future me now that music is simply a very powerful thing. if someone can put into words the exact way that you feel then why not embrace that; feel a blanket even if looking back it seems like such a sign of the times. i am the times, why shall i not be a sign? so excuse me as i sing my little songs and cry and dance and laugh alone in my room as the thought of them brings me somewhere new - somewhere where i'm seen.

[piercingnovember]

it's nearly exactly eight months post-breakup.

there's nothing particularly spectacular about eight. it's not half and it's not whole but for me, it's been a time where i'm just thinking about it so much. maybe it's because i realized jimmy isn't my prince charming and that frankly no other boy wants to be either. maybe it's just finally having time to sit with my own thoughts. but regardless, here i am, thinking.

i thought i'd give a little life update.

i feel like i'm alive again. before my breakup i felt like i was trapped in a basement, cold and sad, hopeless. immediately after my breakup - the great escape - i had no idea where to turn. they opened up my cage and honestly, what are you supposed to do when all you've known was the darkness? how do you figure out how to act? i still don't know how i did it but within a month, i was starting to smile again. took some baby steps past the doorstep. gained and tripped over few bad habits at first, drinking, smoking, drugs, partying. anything to feel something after all that time locked away. i quickly realized that wasn't the direction that felt right for me. stumbled over to running which admittedly stuck quite well but nowadays i've realized that's the side of the pasture i only visit sometimes. what can i say, it felt good to touch the grass. but i look at pictures of myself and the happiness is unbelievable. i laugh and i scream and i'm tickled absolutely pink every single day. my tears aren't even the same anymore; the bad moments aren't catastrophic and they don't involve lying in bed with hopelessness surrounding me. they're usually swirled with passion, anger, annoyance, frustration - and admittedly, this is so much better than the silent sadness i felt before. there was no life in my eyes.

so i thank those around me for helping me feel alive. daphne and chloe and maddie and ava. jimmy and garrett and sam and all the other one-day flings that have made me smile. my mom and aileen and poppy. the careys. my coworkers. teachers. every subtle reach out has made me realize that my greatest fear has not come true. life is not empty without martin. there is love out there, i just had to give it out... which now i have the capacity to do.

and with every frustration that i have in my life, i still always find myself grateful to have these absolutely bonkers people in my life.

for any lonely night is never truly alone when i know i have them.

[piercingnovember]

as a picture passes from a year ago today, i mourn the girl that used to be. i mourn her ability to love and persevere, her hopefulness, her unwavering try. i haven't lost these traits but they're different now; they'll never look the way they did on her face because of the year following. at least, i can't imagine they'd ever look that way again.

for context, the flashback was to the olivia concert that i went to last year where he sat in the car with me and for the entire day ripped every last shred of me that i had left. it felt entirely hollow. i've never seen a smile on my face be so lifeless and fake. those pictures honestly hurt so much to even look at. it's funny when some of the worst hurts following a breakup aren't about losing the man but about losing yourself. i'm sorry that i ever did that to myself. in fact, i ended up going alone because we sold the tickets to pay for his mothers funeral. get a fucking job, dude. let me live my life. but he always felt that i owed him so neverending debt. my eternal soul. sometimes i wonder if it's even worth it to reach back out to him to pay me the money. i wonder if that money will ever exist. i should probably just cut my losses - pretend i lost it to gambling. in a way, i sort of did.

so much has changed over the past year. life is entirely different. i'll admit there's goods and bads. in some ways i'm less stable now, more emotionally charged and chaotic but i know that's because i was numb and growing more silent each year. there lived such a deep rooted sadness in me, nihilism at it's core because what could meaning give me in a place like that? there had to be no meaning to stay afloat.

i think it's the worst thing that will ever happen to me but in some ways, i'm glad it did anyway. life is a learning experience and going through that grew my willpower and determination in ways i didn't expect to be possible. for every scar that i have from that relationship, they just show that i made it out the other side and that i know what to avoid. i flew the coop. how about that.

and you know, i was talking with daphne the other day about what we take from relationships. that no matter how bad someone or something is, there's always something good to take. bad things to, surely, but for every bad thing you take, it often fades with time. for all the cynicism and faux adult-like seriousness that i gained with martin, 8 months sober i must admit that it's gone. jimmy may beat my spirit black and blue by not choosing me but at the end of the day, that won't stick. daviann and his cheating. ricky and his deception. all of these boys may kill your soul with unspeakable measures but every single time, it fades away. whether it's one month or five years, one day you laugh and realize oh wow, that didn't break me. at least i do. and at the end of time, i'm left with all of the joys that those boys gave me.

ian gave me competitiveness and a love for the past, dancing around my room singing the beatles top hits. as i said, martin gave me grit (for good or bad, i'm not far enough out to know my true gains from this) but also athleticism, over-the-top health practices, a mild fear for the outside worth that quite frankly i enjoy. martin gave me elitism in some ways (for which he's a sorry soul for doing); it's only been rewarding me since. but really, all these boys add up to things big and small that i am grateful i took. from daviann, swagger and carefreeness. jimmy, a touch of conservativism and a "fuck 'em all, kid" attitude.

they make me who i am today even if i fucking hated for it in the moment. so maybe i'll be okay and i'll keep getting older and bolder and more bruised. but that's alright. and there will be times when i look back on happy and sad girls and they all look like me and i'll think "huh, for all that things change, i carry her with me". and we all live on, in chaos laughing and screaming and whispering in my head. i'm sorry for them but in the same breath, all i can say is thank you.

[piercingnovember]

I can’t stop thinking about martin honestly. I don’t even know what I’m thinking - it’s not overtly good or bad just neutral, maybe a hint of sadness and loss. I can’t tell if I wish him bad or good anymore. I know I don’t want to see his face in the present day but I wish I could go back for just a moment and see the boy I’m mourning as the girl I used to be.

And despite all the wrath that came with his love, it makes me wonder if I will ever be loved to that degree again? I know men don’t fall quickly and I know he didn’t fall quickly but there came a day (eventually) when I looked in his eyes and knew there was someone who truly cared about me. Someone who’d go to the ends of the earth for me. Will I ever experience that again? Do we only get one? Will everyone be too jaded at this point to love the way I loved when I was 15? 19? Will they love openly?

And it begs the secondary question, does that love exist without wrath? Because at the end of the day, they’re all just passionate uncontrolled emotions. Could I be so lucky as to find someone truly in control? Please. I’m begging. Please.

[piercingnovember]

i wish my mother didn't make me uneasy - sick to my stomach even. i find life to be so much more enjoyable without her in it. i honestly don't think i'd mind if i never spoke to her again. i don't love her and i don't like her and honestly i'm not sure if i'm supposed to feel bad about that. i don't think anyone can answer that except me. how could i love someone who i've never met? she prances around giving facades of people and never shows her true self. how do you care for someone who has never been honest with you? how do you love of a stranger?

sometimes i wish i could ask my sister if she feels the same way but i am too afraid that she doesn't. we're different though, her and i. she's not as argumentative and headstrong as i am so perhaps her saying casual "i love you"s mean nothing at all in reality. maybe that's just her submitting.

i refuse to submit. i refuse to be uncomfortable for the sake of a stranger. love is not inherent, it's earned - it's a reward. when you treat people correctly, they love you. i love and am loved for my actions, not for nothing. you can't be a bad person and just expect love because of a title. that borders on insanity.

and she's not terrible, don't get me wrong but at the end of the day the body truly keeps the score. for days on end, her presence has felt like gas filling the room. honestly even a phone call from her has felt like being held at gunpoint. the stomachache i've been carrying since she spotted me is nauseating. i hate it. is my body a liar?

it just gets to me when i've been with people that i do truly love - or even not so far, maybe just people that like me. people that try. everyone tries. it is the most repulsive thing to me when people don't even try and expect change. no one will love you for being half assed, or at least i won't. i've been prisoner for far too long of people who don't try. i'm not interested in staying there. people who don't listen. people that are self centered. people that just make my life more difficult than it was without them. the benefits do not outweigh the risks. the knife twists.

i just don't want to feel sick and i don't want to feel bad for asking her to stop making me feel sick. it feels like a game that i'm destined to lose. sometimes the only answer feels like i should just disappear. at least then i wouldn't have to deal with the loss.

[piercingnovember]

on second thought, everything is going to be okay. like genuinely. life ebbs and flows and i will too.