pigeon-problems - Tumblr blog

[pigeon-problems]

interesting how transmascs & transfems alike think losing weight is the answer to pass as our chosen gender.... almost as if fat people are never Truly afforded a passing gender regardless of trans status. as fat people we are never Truly seen as Men or Women. anyway fuck that notion & if u think u need to lose weight to pass that's the devil talking

[pigeon-problems]

you know i don’t think we often talk about how difficult it actually is to suddenly realize that a belief you thought was good and moral and correct was actually really fucking toxic. how you have to look at something and go ‘oh shit, oh i fucked up. oh this is going to take probably years at minimum to deprogram from my brain because of all the little ways this shit pervaded the rest of my beliefs’

so. to all the people picking up all the pieces of a recently shattered world-view and trying to figure out what is safe to keep and what has to be thrown away and started over

to all the people having to relearn how to even listen to other people

to all the people putting in the work to do better while struggling with the guilt that comes from finding out you were the asshole

i’m proud of y’all.

it’s hard to admit being wrong and even harder to change in the aftermath. just keep doing the best you can and just know that the effort is appreciated. everyone can change. everyone can do better. keep fighting.

[pigeon-problems]

8 months ago i nearly killed myself.

I made a mistake.

And I don't know how to make mistakes.

I only know how to be self-sacrificing in the face of guilt.

so I tried to sacrifice myself.

It wasn't the first time. Not by a long shot.

But it was the closest. The most actionable. The most razor-to-wrist crimson wings on a bedsheet slowly expiring into the few comforts i had left within myself moment. The thing that stopped me in the end is inexplicable, so i won't try to explain.

The world is a place so often devoid of love. of kindness. We are dumped into its empty plains with no map, no roads to guide us, and distances of every kind barring us from any chance we may have to find connection.

The distances for most are insurmountable.

8 months ago i lost whom at the time i believed to be the only person who would ever understand me. The only person who ever had, even if only for a moment.

years of isolation and worsening mental health and medication and desperation and guilt and self hatred all conspired to a perfect storm.

I realized as i so often have before that i was not meant for this world. and that it was time to go. to go... home. whatever that may mean.

to feel nothing, to have no experience of the world, is preferable to living in it.

And people love the dead.

Love the memories.

It sounded nice, to be a good memory, and nothing more.

But i'm still here. 8 months later.

Driven as i was to the brink of self destruction i found myself in a place of rather extreme vulnerability, I wrote about it. I wrote I'll make a bet with you, a story about a girl consumed with guilt being sent to hell for playing with things she didn't understand.

And... people read it.

And liked it.

And told me so.

I started to meet people. For the first time in... in 5 years. I started to find people again. Find community.

I wrote Conversion as a kind of thanks to a community that helped me find my footing.

I wrote The Fry Cook based on conversations and fantasies shared with a new partner, whom i still deeply love today.

I wrote Transition Diary of a Sex Doll about my own desire for transformation, my desire to understand my purpose, to be loved for what i am and to truly belong to someone.

I met someone new, and after our first date, I wrote The Library.

The more of myself i shared, the more i poured out into the world, the more i found. The more love, and connection, and support, and all in ways i really could not have imagined before.

I'm still deeply depressed. I think... I think I always will be. I have days where I feel genuinely suicidal. Where i have to mentally strap myself down and force into my brain the words "You can kill yourself tomorrow, not today". I have those days less often now. once every week or two, instead of every day.

but i'm glad I'm still here. I didn't know I could be. but I am. No matter who you are, there is community out there for you. There are people that can love you. No matter how much you may bristle at that assertion, it is a fact. but you'll never know unless you stay here.

So please. If you are right now where i was then, if you are desperate for peace, for an end, to be a memory, to be remembered, please don't go. Please wait. Please give the people who will one day love you a better chance to find you.

I'm begging you.

I can't lose another loved one i never got to know.

-----|-----

If you need help, please ask.

[pigeon-problems]

the notes are broken 😂

[pigeon-problems]

This NPR interview with with Angela Saini about how race science never really left the global scientific consciousness is super interesting! I’m gonna read her book!

[pigeon-problems]

i've been seeing this around a lot lately as like a little memey jokey thing but "this is what they took from you" is a fascist meme.

"they" are jewish people/"the global elite"/"cultural marxists"/"globalists"/"the woke left" etc.

and it's basically the same as "RETVRN" like this is explicitly a fascist thing that fascists say about their fascist beliefs

please don't go around saying it

you can talk about capitalist enshittification without invoking fascism, and just because YOU mean something different doesn't mean it's not invoking those things it's explicitly meant to invoke

[pigeon-problems]

the amount of white trans people on this website who go completely quiet when you bring racism into the conversation because they’ve never confronted their own prejudice and hide behind the “im a minority so i can’t even be racist!!” mindset instead of ever actually learning and giving a shit is so tiring what are we doing here

[pigeon-problems]

why would I camp somewhere named Hole Where You'll Freeze To Death

[pigeon-problems]

[pigeon-problems]

are certain lubes better suited for vaginal or anal sex? or are they all the same?

hi anon,

water-based, oil-based, and silicone-based lube are all suitable for either vaginal or anal sex. many people prefer silicone-based lubricants for anal sex because it's so long-lasting and durable, which is helpful when you're working with an orifice that won't naturally lubricate itself. oil-based lubricants are also a no-go with latex condoms, which is relevant for both vaginal and anal sex. beyond that it's all a matter of personal preference!

[pigeon-problems]

[pigeon-problems]

in recognition of World Down Syndrome Day on March 21

[pigeon-problems]

(x)

“punch Nazis” so easily became “Hitler had good points,” and what these people don’t even understand is that this is nothing new or revelatory - his persuasive oratory skills are a significant part of why so many fell in line behind him as he took power. they’re doing exactly the same thing and have convinced themselves they’re just in it. it is terrifying.

[pigeon-problems]

[pigeon-problems]

not to sound old fashioned or whatever but getting rid of payphones is a mistake, and the only reason we should do it is if we're replacing them with free, public use phones. Having the ability to reach out to others in every place of public congress and transit is an important safety feature and the advent and adoption of smartphones does not negate their utility.

I know i've already lost this battle, so it's somewhat pointless to say, but smartphones die. chargers aren't always there. smartphones break. some people don't have them. Being able to call someone and ask for help, to get in touch with friends and family, without relying on something you yourself own, is a societal good.

Furthermore, expecting everybody to have a single piece of fragile technology on them at all times to the point that critical services are not available without them is truly mind-boggling to me. This goes for things like restaurant menus and transit maps as well. you should be able to navigate the world without a brick made by Apple or Samsung, and if you can't, then something is fundamentally broken. It's one thing for new technology to augment an existing real-world experience, it's another thing to usurp it entirely.

[pigeon-problems]

So um,

Yesterday, I learned that apparently, no one talks to Ashkenazi trans girls or women about breast cancer.

If you are taking female HRT, you are at a similar risk of breast cancer as a cis woman. And Ashkenazi women are at a higher risk than the average woman due in part to gene mutations.

Unfortunately, despite that, not all health insurances cover routine mammograms for trans women.

This makes it super super important that you do your monthly Breast Self-Exams (BSE) at home.

I've copied a video on how to perform a BSE below, but just a note that Ashkenazi women are more prone to breast cancer in general and at a younger age, so please if you do feel anything, make an appointment with your doctor

[pigeon-problems]

source