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[pigweekend]

Return Of The Snack

I don't apologize for anything. It's a personal policy, a store policy, and should be a national policy. I decided to take 6 months to 12 years off to find myself and discovered my final destiny as a machine for ceaseless processing of Oreos.

Red Velvet Oreos

S'Moreos

Brownie Batter Oreos

Cotton Candy Oreos

Marshmallow Krispy Oreos

Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Regular Old Mint Oreos

Pointless Seasonal Color Oreos

Gingerbread Oreos

Oreos THINS (LOLOLOLOLOL WHY)

Blueberry Oreos

Original Oreos

Fried Oreos

Pumpkin Chocolate Oreo

I am probably missing a few. I am not the guy in this operation who cares about a spreadsheet, I am the formerly visionary sales guy who is just past being cool and frequently chooses some unwisely forward-thinking sneakers for a niche conference. I am also the machine that grinds a viable product into an unusable paste and then wastes even that pointless output all over the floor, so my business generally doesn't make any money and indeed we are losing a great deal of it.

Naturally I tried every novelty Dunkin’ Donut (what’s up, Brownie Batter?) and M&M (skip directly to Chili Nut and build a life) because I’m out here just like you and anyway I needed a brief respite from my annual Cadbury mini-egg dialysis. 

I did have this one cool day where I went to IKEA because I guess I wanted my desk to be real euro but unnoticeable.

Sweet 'n Sour Skull

Sweet 'n Luscious Caramel Thing

Rock Hard Wad of Red Licorice

Supposedly Crunchy but Nahhh Strawberry Log

Way Suggestively Shaped Red Hot Sports Car

Those were the beginner level candies. If you have been following the hottest blogs of 2014, you'd know that Ikea decided to wedge a little candy side-hustle into their city-state embassies and quietly included some of those spicy Svenska flavors that you won't find in the Cracker Barrel gift shop even in their well known back room. Without any notice or warning, you might accidentally eat...

RHUBARB LOG WHAT

RUM DROPS OKAY

SALTY OCTOPUS THANKS

Generally I think people have gotten wise to Sweden's salty little pranks over the last couple of years including that preettttty sketchy salted monkey, but at least IKEA decided to soft-warn you with some seafood iconography. They are really good though. Salt and licorice create fusion power and I'm upset to this day that I only bought three.

After that event, I lapsed into a habit of just drinking Four Loko Gold or Genny Goat Beer and eating Spicy Cheez-Its 3-5 nights a week and Pig Week just isn't as snappy a name. I even let my normally sensible haircut grow out into a shape that I had hoped would look like Don Johnson or a background dancer from Stayin' Alive but instead turned exactly into Rudy the Rabbit from Meatballs.

That's not why I dragged you here today. I had a good reason for getting a blade and cutting the paint around this door so it would open again. My focus for today, tomorrow, and forever... 

...the flapping tear in the fabric of time and dilemma through which frosting and all it's attendant demons must occur. This is really the one. The godhead and the all-snack. The palate-flaying figure astride the pale horse that never gets mentioned because the authors instantly become overwhelmed with crumbs and thirst.

They said it wasn't worth the trouble. They told me this was just some crummy stale bodega filler that locals use to fill sinkholes, but THEY are so wrong that I have to sit down right now it because rightness is weighing down on me like a focused column of pure hard tungsten.

Several of my cherished friends and acquaintances from various sectors of my computer life enacted separate capers to make sure I got some of this. The result was that I ended up with quite a lot, yet part of me is in an active panic that there's only 60 lbs remaining.

I want those friends to know it was all worthwhile. This is truly my favorite snack. The dryest and most snack accurate (snackurate) thing I have endured. Eating a frosted toast is like passing your ghost through a universe comprised of boot scrapers. You are pumiced on every surface as you press the enormous dessicant forward and forward until nothing of you is left except the ancient memory of a single butter knife smear of frosting. But it's enough. Nothing has ever delivered on the promise of life and civilization like frosted toast. No vaccine, spaceship, smartphone or episode of Sledge Hammer is as worthy of being our monolith and headstone.

[pigweekend]

An Oral Deep Dive of Longthink Pieceform

A SPECIAL LOST EPISODE FROM A VAULT THAT DOESN’T REALLY EVEN HAVE A LOCK OR ANYTHING. YOU CAN JUST ASK, MAN. CHRIST.

I had a rare appointment in the glittering city-jewel of Brooklyn, penciled in as a featured talking head on a podcast about the three pillars of community: racism, snacking, and 80s HBO.

Krave

While I drove, I decided to refresh my memory by watching Metalstorm: The Destructuon of Jared Syn on my phone. I believe this is an admission of a crime, but fortunately police are not allowed to read my blog. If you are a police, you have to tell me. This is the law.

More Krave

The drive is long enough for two films so I also boned up on TAG: The Assassination Game. Lately all I care about are movies with colons in the title. Stop by the house later. I’m double featuring Wall Street: Money never Sleeps and Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol.

Damn that’s all the Krave

I finally rolled into town already pre-swollen and this is a problem because this particular podcast contains an inline snack component. I had intended to show up empty, a flapping sack to fill with treats, but we’re not even to the first Squarespace ad and I’m already up 3000 calz.

PBR TALLBOY

Earthy foreign Kit Kat

J/K I’d never be on a podcast with ads because I am anti-establishment and don’t like it when my friends have income. I’m really not sure what flavor Kit Kat that was other than to say it was extremely organic and primal and I felt my own skeleton as I ate it.

Mallort

This is some kind of dare in Chicago so I guess Chicago is a soft place. I mean this wouldn’t be my first choice of refreshment, but it had some charm. It is like enjoying a fractal grapefruit that makes all of your tastebuds and relatives and hobbies turn into ur-grapefruit.

S’MOreos

Fudge Brownie Marshmallow

Dark Chocolate Peanut M&M

One of the topics on the agenda was movies that are part of my personal canon and core beliefs because they were played around the clock on HBO in 1985. Midnight Madness is absolutely central to all my understandings and interactions, so we decided to craft a snack chat around that movie’s gastronomic information. The PBR from before was clearly key component, but I can’t be holding a tallboy for like 45 minutes. 

If you ever see me in person, I am also prepared to dive into Thank God It’s Friday, Super Fuzz, Beastmaster, Cannery Row, Rich Little’s Christmas Carol, Heart Beeps, or Saturday the 14th until you very quickly regret ever knowing me.

DARK ENERGY KNIGHT Burger

CHEESE FRIES CRAZINESS

Tiny shots of idiotic alcohol shakes

After recording, our little two-man afterparty paid a visit to the most insane burger stand in America. It’s vaguely comic book and video game themed which sounds like no big deal in a world with Heart Attack Grills and toilet-panic black Whoppers, but I assure you this is a more real and authentic kind of unhinged... a back away slowly brand of unhinged. This burger stays up late to post long responses to alt.music.genesis and rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5. This burger stand had to have an HR representative talk to it about standing to close to other coworkers during meetings. 

The burger itself was totally delicious though. It contained everything you’ve ever seen in a cupboard plus some of the chili from your neighbor’s grave.

Burger King Pork Longwich

Delicious, but clearly not enough. It was probably 12,000 calories but it was NOT ENOUGH. My body needed one of those loooong buns from BK that nobody has even thought about in 25 years. 

Slim Jim Some Wild Flavor

Zebra Cake 

Cheez-it CRUNCH’D

I mean it was a three hour drive home, man... you think I’m just gonna watch a bunch of Robert Dyer YouTubes while driving and not do some snacking? Wait you look like a cop... this is inadmissible.

Some dumb assemblage of 11pm-2am beers

Don’t ever just go right to bed. That is how you get dementia and unemployment. 

[pigweekend]

Oh weird... you’re still here?

Okay well... I didn’t bring anything for you to do, so I guess we can just sit cross-legged and talk about all of the people who showed you that article claiming that a Shamrock Shake contains both fat and calories.

Hahaha you people, honestly. But I’m game for this. I’m down with that worldview where eating something made out of your fridge is automatically better and healthier and like you couldn't possibly get fat and dead eating natural nuts and chicken like, ohhh, Henry the... Nth...

Homemade SHAME-rock Shake

Oh... yeah hold that thought. This is really good though.

Homemade Sham-ROCK Shake only larger

Wow, I don’t know now... this was really good and only took like 30 cents worth of ingredients and I can just keep it coming... It could be St. Patrick’s Day like... forever. 

And since we are dipping toes into inapplicable and confused cultural practices, hell.., Purim was this month too.

Matzos

I don’t really know what you do for Purim so...

With butter

I’ll eat it plain if I have to, though. I told you I’m game.

More Matzos just plain. Is this right?

A large container of jelly fruit slices

Some Cadbury Mini Eggs from LAST YEAR

All cultures, we devour all cultures. This is a quilt of children holding hands in an elementary school and Rosey Grier. The one-headed Rosey Grier. The kid-friendly one.

Two Guinesses

I know... I know it’s corny.

Popcorn... 

I’m so sorry. I shouldn't have done that just now.

But crazy interesting purple Amish popcorn!

Okay so we’re still doing that. Cool. 

Two UBU Ales

This is America now. We’re back in regular America. Ubu comes from a part of America where they do Olympics though so there may be Swedes and Russians skiing with rifles in here. 

Is it cool if I reveal that this all took place in the space of about an hour?

Sesame Crackers with Pub Cheese

Dude nobody cares that it was pub cheese. Nobody cares. It’s not like the CIA and Iron Maiden will be strolling through your kitchen all raising one eyebrow like “No way! You should join our Meetup group!”

A bag of Chocolate Covered Wavy Lays

Attention, Universe of the Past: This is a transmission from Universe of the Future. It’s pretty urgent that you skip the chip aisle this month and just walk straight on by. I’m here from the future to tell you that we can’t handle Wavy Lays. No one can. Your nervous system, it just... your body it... In the future we discover that Lays hired a Snack Warlock to weave cheap ingredients with corrupt human souls and the body can’t handle it. Future chip aisles are littered with the dead. Jobs are abandoned and children remain unsired. Please, dude. I’m from the future. 

[pigweekend]

Italy's Vanishing Cultural Legacy

Summer is coming to a rapid conclusion in this part of the world. Oh wait no it's not... This day was like walking around inside a hot saliva mouth. My shirt! My odor!!

A lot of things came to a head on this day. For instance, we spent the entire summer so far forgetting to visit our local famous horsetrack for their luxurious breakfast buffet.

Egg cheese mash

Sausage... the greatest sausage

Some kind of au gratin potato bloxx

Donut, but a small one

Pretty okay apple granola crumble pie thing

Orange Juice while waiting in line

Seriously no waffles?

Cranberry Juice while waiting in a damn line

Oatmeal with a bunch of stewed fruits

No fraunch toaste? No haute cakes??

Bagel con cream cheese

Hold me closer, tiny muffin

Usually we would have eaten this twice by now, each time following it up by hopping on a tiny tram for a tour of the various manure piles. I don't know what got into us this year. But just so we're clear on this - Google image searching "horse breakfast" actually yields a completely relevant result. 

Most of a box of ginger snaps

Today was a day of reckoning at the gym. I've been getting super scrawny baby weak on two of my main lifts probably because of blix blox burp bzzz click click click beep bzzzZZZzzz zzzZZZ zzz 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 ¸¸.•*¨*•♫¸¸.•*¨*•♫¸¸.•*¨*•♫¸.•´ 

...so I figured some cookies would probably help that.

Girl Scout Samoa Candy Bar

BBQ Chicken Pizza

Reese's Cups

I know it's been a minute so maybe you don't recognize that it's happening, but this is a real ass pig weekend for once. I woke up and unceasingly ate my way through the maze, seeking power against the colorful ghosts that chase me.

Nice and-a SPICY Sicilian Chicken Soup

Rigatoni Martino

VINO

Thanks to the reality of Everywhere, USA, 1985, I experience a cognitive dissonance where "Italian Restaurant" can summon mental images of quiet romance, candle light and fine wine while simultaneously conjuring memories of tabletop Dig Dug and a room-temperature salad bar of fresh campylobacter and intestinal roundworm.

I don't think I am alone in this confusion since, over the years, that very contradiction has developed cohesion and sentience, crawling from a thick sweet swamp of Ragu with ropy tentacles of fusilli hurling hot wads of unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks at a burping but shamefully satisfied populace.

Now there are cathedrals built upon those giant cream sauce-infused bodies, attempting to reform the perpetual motion of the cheese grater into something of quality like a teen boy installing a lift kit and spoiler wing on his 1989 Hyundai. 

But Carrabba's is all right.

CAKE

It was also my MOM'S BIRTHDAY. Her many Samsung devices required a new car charger, which is unfortunately not available in gold or platinum causing me to be the cheapest and worst son.

Then we decided to be the only people under 50 at a STEELY DAN concert. They forgot to play "FM" even though a dude made a sign clearly requesting "FM". He held it up for the entire show so I am sure they must have seen it. 

Sam Adams Oktoberfest

Half a box of Life Cereal

Sam Adams Oktoberfest

I've shriveled out of fighting shape to become a pasty jellyfish who gets full and sleepy after two beers like some lightweight 7 year old. 

[pigweekend]

Schwein Wochenende! Wunderbar!!!

About a month ago, we spent a bunch of money to go see what they had to eat in Europe.

AMSTERDAMNED

Amsterdam is a pretty cool place to be in for about 2 hours. We spent most of those two hours waiting in line for the Anne Frank House because we are poor planners, but I am very pleased with the idea of traveling all the way to the global nexus of sex and weed just to make a beeline for their most aggressive bummer. 

We also stumbled into an entire Yu-Gi-Oh conference which is actually one of the only truly bad smells we encountered in all of Europe.

Poffertjes with Nutella

Whoops I mistakenly ate a bunch of poffertjes when I meant to order oliebollen because I don’t speak foreign!

Wine wine wine yeah

The one thing we could reliably get our hands on was wine, so I drank 3 or 4 bottles every night and that was a good daily decision.

KINDERDIJK

Heavy breakfast

I don’t know if I have ever eaten anything as dense as the breakfasts I ate this week. I have mortared all the gaps inside my body with eggs and variety meat. I am as solid as anything you’ve seen.

Wicked nice coffee with a bonus wicked nice cookie

We went on a tour of the Kinderdijk windmill farm where they grow fresh hot windmills for tourists. It rained so hard all at once that I went bald. The little cafe where they sell wooden shoes and dumb fridge magnets made the best coffee served with no affect at all. I don’t even think the teenager who served me looked up from her cigarette.

Dutch Lunch

This sounds super gross, right? Like not at all family friendly! Gross blog, man! The best part is that it came with boxes of chocolate sprinkles!!

WINE

GET DRUNK. STAY DRUNK.

DÜSSELDORF

Yawwwwnnnn… we followed an actual dead professor around as he explained to us about buildings. 

KÖLN

Awwwww yeah this was more my speed. A preposterously giant church with a built-in physical challenge plunked in the middle of a city that overflows with a specifically refreshing beer.

Tiny bratwursts and sauerkraut

KÖLSCH

The guy has to keep bringing you Koeeoelsch by LAW. They are so small you can fit so many in your body!

Mega beef dinner with cute little mutant potatoes

KÖLSCHEN

Back on the streets, we visited every brauhaus in town. The Koeeoelsch was nearly identical by LAW. 

This is basically my favorite kind of beer so if you want to know me, bring lots of legal Koeewwlsch.

KOBLENZ and RÜDESHEIM

Pretty good pork and sauerkraut meal

A bunch of riesling

We visited a MUCHO TRADICIONAL German oompah joint where they played traditional Neil Diamond songs and made groups of strangers drink in unison from a ski or a femur or something. 

We sat at a table with a bunch of people from Birmingham who talked just like Black Sabbath but defiantly refused to talk to me about Napalm Death.

Brutal schnapps

So I just assumed all schnapps was like fruity wine coolers because it’s what unruly teens steal from the decoy liquor cabinet, but I guess it’s really just lighter fluid with no essence of berry at all. 

Rüdesheimer Coffee

Boozey coffee served on fire. Great. Welcome to the dumbest hangover.

HEIDELBERG and SPEYER

After wandering around a sweet castle all morning, we were given an escort mission to follow an adorable fairy godmother all around the town. She even had a tiny little parasol!

She moved relentlessly and if you fell behind, you became a permanent part of Germany… hopelessly tuning your in-ear guided tour transmitter from channel to channel forever.

Awesome lumps of merengue

Sssstuuuudent Kiss

You want to spend some time with the world’s largest wine barrel? TOUGH SHIT, HOMIE. WE GOT SSSCHHHTUDENT KISSES TO EAT.

STRASBOURG

Surprisingly, the best tour guide we met on this entire trip gave us terrible advice that got us completely lost in one of the few places we visited that didn’t adhere to the “ehhh everyone there speaks English anyway” rule. I had to buy a diet coke coke light for FIVE EURO just for the chance to foolishly design an international hand sign for “cathedral” in an attempt to harvest more indifferent French shrugs.

Some French salad with Riesling

Once we found our way back, we had a boring meal with a pretty cool wine. 

It wasn’t the best day, but we did get to see the most righteous deathclock.

BREISACH

This tour guide looked like an actual fairy tale woodsman and talked just like Richard Harris for some reason. 

He delivered us a little town in the black forest with a glass blowing shop, a CUCKOO CLOCK store (let’s talk about me and cuckoo clocks sometime, man… seriously), and an awesome trail into the woods complete with ancient aqueducts and FEEDABLE GOATS. Unfortunately we had about 45 minutes to see it all.

Niiiiice black forest cake

Yeah you know they make that there too.

Then we went into Breisach which actually looks like you want it to look - all half timbered buildings tilting at unreal angles, tons of olde worlde bakery shoppes and sweet market squares where you can easily picture a heretic being burned alive.

Verrrry niiiiice Macaron cookies

I don’t even know what flavors I was eating. Probably European flavored. Escargot and bain du soleil. 

BASEL

Our last assignment was to check out some really unexpected iron sculptures hanging out in the weirdest red cathedral that kind of looked like someone had set it up earlier that day for a family fun fair.

Looked at some huuuge pretzels but only had 4 Euro left.

Bought an Orangina instead

AUF WIEDERSEHEN, EUROPA!! USA USA USA 

ADDENDUM: Today’s title image is dedicated to the good people at Overnight Drive. If you like sex problems and reassurances that you made a good decision by never being in a band, please do them a kindness. It’s one of my two favorite podcasts (this is the other).

[pigweekend]

Say It Again Only Louder.

It was my grandmother-in-law's birthday and the only holiday I love to celebrate is birthday so I needed to find a way to fill all 7 of my energy tanks. 

Cracklin' Oat bran

Yeah I mean it's a good start. It's 82% fat so that burns like napalm once you "turn the ignition" right? Wait, I am lost in my own metaphor...

Cheerios with Bananas

Oh right that's because it's not a metaphor. I need to fill seven actual silos inside my body with grain to feed the enormous amount of livestock required to pull me through the enemy gates.

McVitie's Milk Chocolate Digestive Biscuits

When you aren't that much of a racist but you are still plenty ignorant, any encounter with and object clearly meant to appeal to specific foreign people makes you think of David Paich parting jungle leaves in Toto's "Africa" video or maybe the Thames logo popping up before Benny Hill and you wonder what it must be like to know how to use a compass.

Any culture that leads immediately with the fact that their cookies will make your guts move is right on my level.

Green Tea Cookie Selection Choco Rolls

Oh did you think this World Showcase was going to end in Europe? Who is the ignorant one now? Oh, still me?

Keo Me Thai Lan Sweet Candy

So... these looked like the right blend of unidentifiable but still ostensibly edible that I usually aim for in a light afternoon adventure. The ingredients list says "tamarind flavor, sugar, rice powder" but when I bit down on one, there were chips of what really seemed like teeth. I even tried a few more times because hey, what's one or two accidental teeth? But no I guess I bought an actual jar of classic nightmare.  

Peanut M&Ms

Okay, thanks, rest of the Earth! Thanks for sharing. I'll just eat what I brought with me from home, thanks. No I'm okay I brought food.

Awesome Coldcut Sandwich on Pumpernickel

Pineapples and Blueberries and Watermelon

I usually get so wrapped up in driving around our desolate big box store region looking for the perfect blend of 2 McDoubles and a pizza Gordita Crunch that I forget how nice it is to eat a large stratum of meat piled on bread with mayo. This was some pumpernickel from the feast table in a fairy tale... the first part before the witch reveals that she has the legs of a tarantula and needs your armbone for a flying flute.

Pepperoni and Cheese and Crackers

After this we launched two brand new kayaks into the frigid waters. That's right, we officially own two watercraft. Snackin, kayakin... 

BEEF STEW

Buttermilk Biscuits

Slab of Cake

I'm not just saying "slab of cake", I'm saying...

Loopty Loop Ice Cream

It is BLUE and flavored like fruit loops. It tastes exactly like cereal. If you had stayed in chemical school, you could always be tasting cereal. Any time you had to eat liver or take erythromycin or show up in family court, you could be tasting cereal.

Happy Camper Ice Cream

I wasn't sure how that cereal thing would ultimately pan out so I always have a plan B only in this case you get to execute plan B even when plan A goes according to plan.

Sprinkles directly from a bowl with a spoon

Right? This was a great idea, right?

Narwhal Imperial Stout

Hot Wing Pretzels mixed with Fritos

Sam Adams Honey Queen

My people simply call this "brushing your teeth before bed" and then they say it again even louder when they realize you don't speak Asshole.

[pigweekend]

This Charity Must Take Effect

Once again I find myself a week behind on this obligation. But I do enjoy our little chats even though I do all the heavy lifting.

I set out early in the morning intending to find a modest breakfast sandwich from one of the leading names in garbage breakfasts when I was suddenly overcome by a revelation.

Peanut Butter and Banana French Toast

Fried Eggs

Chicken Sausage

I realized I could have it all. Peanut butter and eggs and everything. At Denny's, you can have everything.

Waffle on a stick

IN THIS WORLD YOU CAN HAVE EVERYTHING.

Pile Pita

Euro Delicacies, my man. I don't know if this is pronounced "pyle" like "Pile O' Pita" or "pee-lay" like "wtf speak american, bro" but it's tres deliciosos.

Listen this is gonna sound gross, but there is a thick amount of something soft and white and unidentifiable running through the middle of this thing that you are gonna want to get at.

Crunchwrap Supreme

Cinnabon Balls

I am trying a new workout this week called "shit your weight".

I was on my way to visit my mother and decided to stop at the guitar shop. I wisely opted not to purchase any guitars, but because I had uncharacteristic quarters in my pocket, I decided to do some good in the world.

Milky Ways for charity

I probably saved a pit bull. I don't know how it is where you live, but the only thing anyone is trying to save around here is pit bulls. You have to eat the candy to activate the charity.

Starbucks Chocolate Graham

Somewhere I read that 200% of all living humans get their breakfasts at Starbucks and that is a dark thought because their food is seriously bad. They even mess up no-brainers like cake balls on a stick. One chilling fact about Starbucks that will blow your mind: even their coffee is gross. 

Birthday Cake M&Ms

Okay M&Ms... you've had your fun. It's time to put away your cute little My First Immersion Circulator and Li'l Tykes Nitrogen Tanks and get back to the necessary work of making something that isn't completely stupid.

Reese’s Cup

Kit Kat

Mallo Cup

I have had my eye on the Mallo Cup that's been sitting in my grandfather's candy dish for months, but in order to get to it I needed to eat through all that other candy.

Tortilla Chips and Guacamole

Ancho-chipotle Chicken Chimichanga

Rice and Beans

Blue Cornbread

There is a little Tex-Mex place tucked in the downtown area of New York's CAPITAL CITY where it is very challenging to park for no particularly good reason. Their food tastes really distinctive in a good way. I don't know if they use secret herbs or ancient oils or pay the blood price to Mictlantecuhtli, but everything they make is worth the parking ticket and the $75 drink charge because you didn't know soda refills weren't free. 

Orange and Pineapple Ice Cream in a Waffle Cone

HAHAAAAAA HAHAAAAAA THIS WAS A LITERALLY GALLON OF ICE CREAM IN A CONE HAHAAAAAAAA. Visible from beyond the curve of the earth, I ate it like a python eating a volkswagen. 

Krave

Pig Weekenders between jobs: You can get single serving amounts of the best cereal on earth for one dollar. Now you have no excuse. Unless you don't have a dollar either. Get your shit together, though, man... Seriously.

Nut Crackers

Cheese

Not nut crackers like the wooden christmas soldier guys, although if you covered one of those in enough cheese...

Cracklin Oat Bran

Wait which was the best cereal again? It's hard.

Hella Coors Summers

SUMMER JUST KEEPS HAPPENING. Well... not happening, but like... no I guess we don't get summer anymore. But at least we have the photos to remind us.

[pigweekend]

Thanks to my pal TheSteph for alerting me to these creative Pig Weekenders. Their tire roulette idea is so fine. 

[pigweekend]

STAY BRUTAL

Start your day brutal.

Banana stabbed repeatedly into raspberry jam

Stay brutal

Stale snicker doodle 

NO, BRUTALLER.

Stale chocolate chip cookie

These were a thoughtful gift from my special lady but I moved PIG WEEKEND out a day because I had a master plan. In the meantime these cookies saw their best years pass them by, But still... cookies, you know?

Cadbury white chocolate mini-eggs

It's true that the original milk chocolate flavor are the best. Not just the best at being candy, but the best at everything -- The best food, the best retirement plan, the best firefighters, the best dirty limerick... their reach can never exceed their grasp and they keep America safe.

When dumb old Cousin White Chocolate Egg rolls into the big city in his wheezing jalopy, his unfamiliarity with slick cosmopolitan ways always reads as quaintly psychotic, but it's pure relief when he hops on a horse with Woody Harrelson to avenge your death.

Meat Burek

Spanikopita 

Baklava

Some people view the farmers' market as their big chance to finally clean up their colons, but I'm not falling for the dark mysteries of agriculture. I head straight for my man EURO DELICACIES and his steaming trays of buh-blah buh-blah blah. Everything he makes is so rich and delicious and great and it's served in portions you can see in Google Maps.

I want to try all of his zesty creations, but I have a broken brain that doesn't take in new data and I can't discern moussaka from dolmades on the spot. I am probably just ordering the napkin over and over.

Peanut butter cookie

Fresh made, and just one dollar!

Leftover cookies in a cup

Incredibly, moldering all week long in my car's cup holder had no noticeable effect on the flavor or texture. Incredibly, that sentence takes no actual qualitative position. 

Some kind of peanut butter chocolate smoosher

I went to visit my grandfather and his fiance who have actual pirate treasure hoards of candies and sweets piled up everywhere in the house. I have no idea what this thing was but it was soooo smoooooth.

Fish fry dinner with onion rings

This was the real prize, though. For the most part, I don't believe any food lives below sea level. Crabs and lobsters and skates and squids can all just continue being weird and awesome in the water unmolested by my day-to-day appetites, but every now and then a terrible desire rises within me and I need golden planks of variety whitefish stacked around me like ramparts.

I'm probably good for a few months now so if you hang out with any haddock, tell them the coast is clear.

Vanilla soft serve with rainbow sprinkles 

This was not even my idea. My grandfather just felt in his heart that we needed to do more with our digestive systems. I was handed nearly a foot of ice cream in the presence of true and honest cattle. Farm to face!

Chocolate powdery donut

Bottled Vanilla frappacino

Haha come on, man... the way you treat yourself, honestly...

I generally don't get all wild from coffee, but once upon a time I drank like 4 frappacinos and a couple of those canned double shots and then went out to dinner with some friends and couldn't control my body. I wanted to contract every muscle in my body at once and bend my spine in half till the back of my head touched my ass. Nothing short of a true and crippling full-body fist could alleviate my chemical fury.

Sam Adams long shot pineapple IPA

Not bad the second week. I think I actually tasted a little Piña!

Rice crackers

I love these things so much... I don't even care if they are the ones that have all that sketchy seaweed wrapped around random pieces because this is such good richly weird flavor. It collects in my deep-ass molars so densely that I can't even hope to close my mouth, though. I'm like the Dungeons and Dragons Fortress of Fangs until that rice-mortar dissolves.

Southern Tier Creme Brûlée Stout

I think this is one of the most interesting dessert beers I have ever had. You can actually taste caramel and custard right in your beer. So time saving.

PIZZA

RADICAL. INDIGESTIBLE.

[pigweekend]

Lightning Scarred Decision Tree

I wanted to go to our 'DORABLE artisanal burger place, but they are closed on Sundays like the old days. The old days are so inconvenient. 

Chicken Salad on a Rosemary Olive Oil Bagel

Chicken Spaetzel Soup

Bland and Sad Sugar Cookie

So I revisited an old friend.

From around 2003 to 2006, I slept through two years of being a grossly incapable desktop support person and woke up as a criminally incapable network administrator -- the sole person responsible for keeping three separate college campuses online.

When interviewing for that position, the hardball question was to name the seven layers of the OSI model. I got that right (because who wouldn't) so I immediately began begging them to not put me in charge of anything ever and they ignored me anyway, promoting me with reckless abandon.

During that time, I ate 2-4 meals a day at the Bruegger's across the street and despite the fact that they make the worst coffee on planet earth, I miss it. I'm not ashamed anymore, Bruegger's. I miss you.

Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream

Peppermint Ice Cream

After that I went across the street to our fanciest local chocolatier where they make the cleanest, best ice cream. It is so creamy and rich that you feel your entire GI tract as you eat it. Does that sound bad? 

Anyway the worst thing about living in a place that's more or less based around the whims of periodic influxes of wealth is that everything costs a ton for no good reason even when the rich-folks tide washes back out to the cash ocean. For example, this list so far -- a bagel sandwich, soup, and ice cream -- has already passed the THIRTY DOLLAR mark. If you are one of my more metropolitan readers, that is considered a grievous amount of money outside of your urban hellworld.

Cheap Chocolate Chip Cookies in a Cup

I only stopped in to get some more soda, but my grocery store really knows how to work me over with these plastic cups. They put anything in there... pretzels, cookies, cigarettes, raw pork... You stack up any dumb product in a plastic cup and I just lose my shit.

I ate one cookie and left the rest in my car cupholder for (SPOILER ALERT) the next week.

Leftover Easter chocolates

White Chocolate Mini-Eggs

The checkout lady at Target confided in me that I was making the wrong decision on the white ones, but that opinion is maybe as stupid as possible. These are fine. AND 70% off.

Cheesy Gordita Crunch

Loaded Potato Griller

Sometimes when I approach Pig Weekend with no set plan or activities, I just swirl around the big box section of town which offers an awful limit of choices. The ensuing spasm triggers a ground fault interruption and my ground is Taco Bell. Is that how electricity works? 

Pepperoni Pizza Slice

If you aren't washing down your tacos with pizza, you aren't truly committed to that Ninja Turtle life and I'd suggest some other dumb blog about strawberries stacked on spinach leaves.

Sam Adams Longshot Pineapple IPA

I really wanted more out of this. Pineapples are all I care about in the world. 

Rice Crackers

Laughing Cow Sharp Cheddar Blobs

I love rice crackers and I love cheese. I also love guitar solos and books about witchcraft but I don't even try to eat those.

Sam Adams Longshot GRATZER

Sam Adams Longshot American Stout

CARAMEL COVERED TWINKIE

That's right. While buying $13 worth of ice cream, I also had our deluxe chocolatier toss in this very mellow and sweet abomination, a soft and fatty spear right through the heart of God's design. 

Miller FORTUNE Tallboy

When faced with the truly vast and impenetrable, one can only tremble.

[pigweekend]

I don't reblog often because it's rare to find something this carefully precision engineered to my dual passions of eating and astral cult shit.

[pigweekend]

I AM RISEN

I don’t personally use the love and teachings of any cool spirits in my day to day activities, but I don’t begrudge anyone who does because a life of mysticism and cosmic possibility sounds seriously wicked. And Christ knows I love a goddamn feast.

Bacon Egg and Cheese McGriddle

BK French Toast Sticks

The experience of eating a McGriddle must be nonstop. Once you bite down, you must push the sandwich into yourself continuously. Any hesitation will cause your mouth to let the rest of your body in on the secret of their awful eggs and the whole charade will collapse.

I had planned on driving-thru all the major players in the syrup-influenced breakfast game and having a no-holds-barred maple battle royale, but Taco Bell realized just in the nick of time that those kind of blog entries are strictly 2008 and they thoughtfully closed for Easter in order to spare me the shame.

Peep Donut

Cookie Dough Iced Coffee

I usually have unkind things to say about Dunkin Donuts because in general, every move they make is a thoughtless insult to fat and sugar… but putting a tiny deformed Peep on top of the most basic Homer Simpson donut just works, man. It just works. 

That iced coffee was rough though… it tasted savory as though beef was included.

Cadbury Creme Egg

Come, ye chocolate ovum. Come and be devoured!

Cadbury Mini Eggs

Hoarding enormous stockpiles of these all year long has pretty much annihilated any sense of occasion that used to follow them, but like Law & Order SVU, their efficacy does not suffer for overuse. Breathing air will always redden my blood. A cheerful dog wagging its tail will always brighten my day. Adding dubstep bass drops to your movie trailer will always get me in the theater. Putting a family sized bag of mini-eggs in my mouth all at once will always give me purpose.

Because most of life is about drowning in a roaring tide of forgettable responsibilities like going to the bathroom and watching Storage Wars, I had spent most of the previous year forgetting that last Easter, we went to an Italian buffet where I encountered the best thing I have ever eaten.

Then a week ago, my significant other reminded me that the same event was approaching. After that, every second spent not eating the best thing I have ever eaten contained all the panic and urgency of holding my face against a hot burner. Any concerns, pleasures, or events that arose during that time were sucker punched by the furious boxing kangaroo of the best thing I have ever eaten.

The best thing I have ever eaten.

I’d prefer to describe it in song form, but if I had to use words I’d say it was meat lumps dumped on cheesy polenta. Nothing was labeled and I don’t like interaction, so I have no earthly way of acquiring any further detail. Here is an artist rendering.

So if you see that, check it out. It’s the best th… it’s super good.

Pizza stuff

Pasta stuff

Other pasta stuff

Like NOTHING at this buffet was labeled. Not even the bathrooms or fire exits or waiters.

Chicken I think

Eggplant maybe?

Beet couscous!

At first I thought the beet couscous looked like a huge bowl of baco-bits just sitting all by itself, so I was about to give that a serious pass. How did I learn it was BEET COUSCOUS of all living things? I don’t remember! Like how did I know about Revenge of the Jedi when there was no such thing as a computer? You can’t explain that!

Chocolate Log

Super filled cream puff

Eclair

Ricotta Pie

You might be itching to discuss the terrible sounding wonder of a Ricotta pie, but I haven’t got time to bring amateurs up to speed. Pro-level eaters and admirers felt their neurons fire one bullet point earlier as they involuntarily recited mantra 29: “There is no such thing as a disappointing eclair.”

What WAS disappointing, however, was the way my dense foundation of beef and polenta de-fanged me at the dessert table. I skulked around the��perimeter like a 3-legged wildebeest begging for the merciful jaws of a lion. There was a chocolate fountain left completely unmolested and an enormous plate of cream horns. CREAM HORNS.

One tallboy of Yuengling

Honeycomb Cereal

What the hell is that even trying to be? Go to bed, man. Jesus.

[pigweekend]

Wrong Places, Wrong Times, Right Nutrients

Only sincere, committed lifestyle slugs like me would wake up 1/4 of the way through February and say something like "this year's getting off to a slow start."

Leftover KRAVE

I mean somewhere in the world a team with their Stafford EZ-care sleeves rolled up are breaking out the company needles early because they already met their Q1 goals.

Petit Four

Peanut Butter Cup

Cherry Cordial

So many citrus slices

Eating candy dessert after breakfast as though breakfast wasn't already a candy dessert.

I don't know but this seemed like a good idea

leftover pringles tortilla

MORE CITRUS SLICES

We run a clean ship here. All these leftovers are rolling around on the deck causing accidents. Use your mouth to SWAB THIS ALL UP.

Irish egg?

I don't remember what these are actually called, but they are pretty unique. They are little cocoa-dusted balls of maybe marzipan or maybe coconut batter or wet chalk but they taste fine. 

banana

Gotta get that K. From the B.

Chuck E. Cheese Pizza

I feel like I should just let this hang for a while. Risk that watchlist. Flagged as "creep".

Chuck E. Cheese expensa-platter

It's okay, I was with a cool dude and his young children and none of us even met on craigslist or anything.

I'm just a normal guy buying a $19 plate of french fries and chicken clumps.

There are so many additional machines at Chuck E. Cheese designed to collect money. Not just the token machines, but I mean... doesn't anyone else think it's strange to have ice cream and snack vending machines with debit card swipers out on the main floor of a restaurant?!? 

Menchie’s Salted Caramel, Chocolate Candybar, and Peanut Butter Cup yogurts mushed into a waffle bowl with iced animal crackers, rainbow sprinkles, raspberry mini-cups, mini-non-pareils, and POPPING BOBA BALLS

I am a strong supporter of kids staying up late as hell. I think it's disgusting that we just power down and go completely dark for a third of the day. Any chance to chip away at the SCAM of sleep is a real treat. 

Pizza, video games, mice, ice cream... It's a lot of ground to cover. Sandman eat shit! 

Sam Adams Escape Route

Veggie Straws

Sesame Crackers

Chex Cinnamon Jumbos

Peanut Butter Ribbon Candy

Girl... it's the WEEKEND... and it's ME-TIME. 

[pigweekend]

What I Did Over Winter Break by Pig Weekend Age 12

If you are familiar with the faith-driven ways of the western hemisphere, then you can probably deduce that this month of silence has been a period of quiet reflection, hot gushing generosity, and enormous snow shovels of sugar and fat. Praise their names.

It takes a complicated spreadsheet to properly give thanks to Baby Hanukkah, Rear Admiral New Year, and the 7 Dark Witches of Advent, but I don't think you really want to read 12 pages of Cocoa Puffs and fig jam wiped on Wasa crackers. Instead let's examine the highlight reel of my championship holiday season.

Chex Snickerdoodle Muddy Buddies

All Muddy Buddies are beautiful, but some are more beautifuller. Cookies and Cream Muddy Buddies are still number one on my hearts.

Pecan Pie Pringles

White Chocolate Pringles

Tortilla Pringles

Pringles White Chocolate are pretty honest. The can clearly indicates that they intend to charge you three bucks for the experience of eating the spiral dragonwafer cookies that any Asian market will sell you in Escalade sized cans for $1.99. The charade is excellent, though.

The Pecan Pie ones just taste like maple and get a little heavy after three or four cans.

The Tortillas taste pretty much the same as when they were called TORENGOS which means a little buttery-fatter and corn-chippier than regular tortillas. If you are still buying into that 90s daytime talk show dream of chips and salsa being a healthy snack, start your engines.

Goldfish S'Mores Grahams

Goldfish Vanilla Cupcake Grahams

Pretty good! Not bad!

Snyder's peppermint white chocolate pretzels

Real good! Real not bad!

Awesome Trail Mix that was basically just tons of candy chunks hiding behind a bunch of nuts and berries

Peanut Butter Ribbon Candy

I have had this on my wishlist forever and ever. I don't when or why it became my most elusive prey, but the place that sells it was fully 2 miles out of the way so you can imagine my struggle.

Krause's Candy

A few years after I finally moved out of my childhood home for once and for... well hopefully for all, one of the greatest candy stores in the land opened up literally 500 feet away. 

I mean that's for the best because I definitely didn't need their perfect chocolate dipped Oreos in my life back then... but i damn sure need it now. 

They have an enormous glass case of chocolate ideas that you can sample including salted caramel everything, petit fours (my jam), siiiick peanut butter cups (my jam) and the best citrus slice candies in the got-damn world (MYYY JAAAM).

You might find better... but you will never find closer (to my mom's house).

Leinenkugel Vanilla Porter

This is a great porter if you think normal porters are too much like mainlining raw chilled molasses.

Helderberg Apple Mead

Belhaven Wee Heavy

My new favorite beer which suddenly is no longer available in my local beer store. I don't believe in coincidences.

Guiness Red Stout

Sam Adams Merry Maker

It's like drinking an actual cookie! A cookie that gives you hella gas!

Ayinger Celebrator

It's been a while since I had one of these, but they are super fine. Plus every single bottle comes with a toy goat! 

BK Rib Sandwich

Shove it, McDonald's! BK did you up for good and they did it for A DOLLAR.

Wendy’s BRIOCHE BUN Burger

You keep messing with your bread, Wendy's, but it's not changing anything!! Keep that good hot chili flowin', though.

McD’s egg nog milkshake

No matter how grossed out you might be when people post that Play-Doh Fun Factory shot of the McNugget slime being pressed into shape, McDonald's can always be counted about for cheap seasonal thrills... although around here you stand a better than 50/50 chance of waiting through the disorganized hellscape of a McDonald's line only to be told they are out. 

Taco Bell Beefy Nacho Triangle

This is an important topic which I am saving for later in the week. Please stay tuned for Taco Talk 2014.

Apple Pumpkin Mac'n Cheese

I have spoken of my new favorite local brew pub and heart-attack cuisine paradise on numerous occasions, but I think we have encountered their first misstep.

The idea of jamming apples and pumpkins into Mac 'n Cheese was actually really profound, but then they made some weird overture to nutrition and included TURNIPS. Man... TURNIPS have a real specific flavor. Imagine eating a cheesecake and occasionally getting a lump of smoked salmon. Okay it wasn't that bad.

Pizzeria Uno Farm Harvest Market Laborer Something Pizza

One day I just went to Pizzeria Uno on my own...

I actually went to several holiday parties, but most of them ended up having so much non-Pig-Weekend food that I made it out the other side even slimmer and sexier than when I arrived.

Not so, my Boss's housewarming / holiday party. I walked in the door and immediately surrounded my tonsils with...

Tons... tons of toffee chocolate bark

So much variety Stromboli garbage bread rolls

A tasteful number of small egg rolls

A siege of vegetable turnovers

Constant M&Ms

Unbridled bon-bon-truffles

After which, I immediately drove home in one of the worst ice storms in civilized memory on a hot screaming set of bald tires.

I hope your holidays came with additional dipping sauces and an open bar. Welcome to another bloated and uncomfortable year!

[pigweekend]

Oh Holy Goose, Oh Moist Canoe

We had these awesome rotting...

Pears

...sitting around the house and you KNOW when a pear gets all gruesome, that's when it's at its best, so game on.

Healthy Boring Lunch

I approached this pig weekend with a sparrow's heart... stuttering and fluttering and totally not up to the challenge.

Candy Corn

POPCORN BALLS

but eventually I came around. I am now SEVERAL WEEKS behind on telling you all about my eating pleasures... so this takes place on-or--around the time Walmart liquidates Halloween goods for mere nickels. I got several POPCORN BALLS and this totally righteous mask for one dollars fifty.

If you've been reading this blog since day one, you know that I have a hot feeling for popcorn balls. These are the same brand I criticized back then, but now I am a year older and the reaper waggles his bloody scythe at my every maneuver so I cherish each microgram of sugar I achieve. O sweet molasses. O honey blessings.

Macaroni and Cheese

Purple Potato Wedges

Sesame Tofu Bloxx

Switchel Liquid Gold

We have a fake Whole Foods place that opened up a few months ago and they have a hot buffet that doesn't loudly announce it's price... so you get yourself a modest serving of kale and lentils and peasant soup and when get to the register, they cut off your arm and steal your car keys.

X's & O's Strawberry Canoe

BUT they do sell local naturalistic items and this is a baked good from a vegan bakery owned by an acquaintance of an acquaintance. I'd read some pretty mixed reviews and expected this to be a dusty old mummy, but instead it was moist as hell. Nurture a family moist. Hopelessly stranded in the jungle moist.

It still had that vegan baked goods flavor and you know what I mean... but I'd eat 6 or 7 more of these no prob, bob.

Unreal Nutty Ones

Maybe you accomplish things at work or support an honest American family, so you probably don't have time to stroll through that real specific candy aisle or read candy blogs or follow your favorite candy on twitter... besides, M&Ms are good enough for your needs, right?  

Well to anyone who has dipped out of the candy scene for the past few years, I'm here to tell you that UNREAL are doing it...

like unreally doing it.

Everything is better about UNREAL. Next time you go to buy a candy bar, walk the ten extra feet for UNREAL. Your tongue and thankless gut bacteria will thank you. UNREAL. CHANT DOWN BABYLON UNREAL.

Candy Corns

Yeah I mean it's not all mountaintops... sometimes it's sinkholes.

Vanilla Cone

Once the thermometer drops below 70, your only option is McDonald's. And unfortunately that kid from a while back still works there. And he still does that game show host play acting over the intercom.

I should probably make friends with this kid though. In a generation of people who obsess over novelty and distraction, his ability to stay focused on something shitty for over a month could one day make him an emperor.

Aussie Burger

Tater Tots

Bengali Tiger Beer

No man, come on... McDonald's doesn't serve beer. This was from the aristocratic local burgeria and it arrived with beets and an egg on board. My general demeanor might lead you to believe I meant that in a bad way, but I'd put beets and eggs on everything if only the guards would let me,

Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate

Red Velvet Donut

Once again I stumble like a wretched crippled bison into a Dunkin Donuts expecting a different result. The Hot Chocolate wasn't too bad, but why did I think the only people on earth who have ever screwed up a donut-bread sandwich could handle the subtlety of red velvet?

HOMEMADE Microwave Popcorn

Goose Island Sixth Day Beer

Did you know you could make your own microwave popcorn? I, like you, assumed that the waxy bags must contain some kind of electromagnetic lipid bilayer or a Guinness-like capsule that simply unleashes finished popcorn at just the right moment, but NO. You can straight up put corns in a bag and come out of it okay.

Goose Island's Sixth Day Beer had the most holy stained glass bottle and it made me think of my very favorite candle which contains an image of Jesus with a t-shirt of his own face and a rooster and a ladder that is probably not at all puzzling to actual catholics...

[pigweekend]

Muy Internacionalll Mondo delle Torrrte!!!

Nutritious, ambitious, pretentious high protein breakfast

Yeah I was thinking about skipping PIG WEEKEND that week specifically to get my BLOG back on track but...

Bacon Egg and Cheese on Sundried Tomato Bagel

...angels swirl angrily in the heavens and menace the well of unborn souls when cowards let pride interfere with the necessary pursuit of starch. We ride, stomach. WE RIDE.

Taco Bell Steak Triple Stack

Taco Bell Cinnabon Ballz

This week's HARD RECOMMEND is the Cinnabon Lumps. They taste a little more like a cider donut than a Cinnabon but then the oozy center gushes out all over your chest and body and the cameras keep rolling. 

It tastes really good.

Leftover Hippos

Sad to see ya go! These hippos are so good, but they also cost $37 an ounce and I am a man of modest means. 

Troubadour Obscura!

Duck Wings

That's right. Enjoy your cans of Beefaroni, you day laborers. I'm straight eatin' unlikely birds and drinking molten platinum.

I only ordered that beer because Obscura, bro! And OBSCURA, BRO! But it was actually pretty good. They served it in a delicate tulip glass like I was Louis the XXIVXVQth.

Some other beer because they didn't have McCHOUFFE

(gesundheit)

I found myself windbaggin' at weird length about lambic beers (which I know nothing about) and discovered that the waitress was listening in. I felt a horrible and existential and my shame reached all the way down to my... 

CHICKEN POT PIE

Pommes Frites

This is the best of all possible possibilities. 

Some kind of awesome Kobe beef sandwich

This sandwich was not mine! One of my dining companions tapped out after only a few bites and the hyenas of my hypothalamus sang out a ragged, horrible chorus, baying to the heavens for the food of others. 

Don't invite me out, man. It's not safe anymore.

Glug glug of wine

Lentil chips that tasted exactly like Munchos

OH BUT WAIT.

Then just a few days later, it was my girlfriend's birthday... so the dark uneven borders of Pig Weekend's pulsing time-mold oozed across the calendar to infect Monday with a full meal of...

MANY PIES ALL PIES PIE PIE PIE

PIE

PIE

PIE

To your health!!

[pigweekend]

It Works Every Time

FRUIT BRUIT

YUMMY MUMMY

I'd like to pretend that I just poured them both into one huge pot full of milk and had a party, but that's not the kind of way I get wild. I wanted that second bowl to be pure fake orange tasting. And it was.

Leftover Hershey bar

Dude it was after halloween. Speaking of which, I bought the most hugest bag of

Brach's Candy Corn

for way more money that you are supposed to spend in the seasonal clearance aisle. I just brought it right up to the register expecting it to be 13 cents and then it rang up with tons of additional digits. But man... look at the SIZE of this bag!

Human hand shown for scale.

DiBella's Philly Cheesesteak

Oatmeal cookie

I don't know if DiBella's is a chain or what, but for a big noisy fast cazhzhual joint, their sandwiches are really robust. This cheesesteak wouldn't fool anyone who thinks that cheez whiz on surplus meat is a secret recipe, but it was 6 feet long so that's cool.

Lay's LIMON potato chips

It's weird for snack chips right now. There's so many experiments and strange flavors debuting all the time... Lobster Bisque Ruffles and Ragin' Poutine Fritos and Some Dude's Venison Sabritas... then sitting there all unassuming and quiet is a bag of "Limon". No big deal! This is either Lime or Lemon or whatever so give it a try! 

Surprisingly, they kind of tasted like air freshener. There was a shotgun leaning against a barrel of fish and Lay's shot a janitor.

Plain ass McDonald's strawberry shake

KFC GO CUP

It was just a regular ass day... no night out on the town, no wildlife battles. 

The KFC Go Cup is the most convenient path to not-enough-food I have ever seen. It's two chicken strips in a cup. There's not even a fraction for how inadequate a meal that is.

One single Reese's peanut butter cup

"Whoever has two tunics is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise."

- Dinosaur 3:11

FUN SIZE Kit Kat

"If you have found honey, eat only enough for you, lest you have your fill of it and vomit it."

- Scorpions 23:1

Leinenkugel Vanilla Porter

Leinenkugel Vanilla Porter

Peanut Butter Chocolate Pop Tarts

All at once like a cosmic presence... a celestial vacuum that hears no cries of terror as it slurps up another moon.

Popcorn

Oh man slow down SLOW DOWN.

Leinenkugel Vanilla Porter

People who review beers use the word "sessionable" to refer to beers that aren't saturated with poison sumac or enriched with Cesium-137. So yeah this doesn't melt your jaw.

Colt 45

Cadbury Mini-Eggs

REGULAR. ASS. DAY.