pikevin

[pikevin]

My godfather hand made a gun, a rifle, and he gave it to my mom as gift a year or so before he died. When my mom moved this year, I asked to have it. It has a three digit lock on it. The combination is 140. I had not known that this last Saturday. I figured it out. I started at 000 and just tried each combination until I was right. You could say that I was lucky, but I am not so sure. When I found the code, and the latch popped open. It was like I came out of a stupor. What was I doing? We all know. I don’t have ammunition for it. I don’t think. I didn’t open the case, and yet it calls for me. Daniel, I need to call Duffy or Ashley and have them retrieve it from my closet. They have a key to my house and I need it out. Our other sibling cannot have it. I need it gone. Please call them, do not stop until they get it. I didn’t go to work today, and I don’t think I will tomorrow. I can’t go home I am in my car. I am going to call you now. If you don’t pick up, I’ll call Kelsey. Please get it out.

[pikevin]

On the nature of me and creativity

I would like to start this out by saying that I have unfollowed nearly everyone who I followed on Tumblr. I don't think I followed anyone new since 2015, so it was interesting to see who had posted since then, or rather, who had stopped. many went on to post into this most recent year, but several stopped. Many stopped in 2019-2020. A few stopped even earlier.

I hadn't made a post here since 2015 since I was devastated with issues of the heart. I find myself drawn back here, and here is how. On nights such as these, when I am stressed and cannot seem to do anything productive, I go down the usual rabbit holes. Twitter was boring, and Reddit got repetitive, so I went into the cesspool that is 4chan's /lit/erature board. Please don't think that I align myself with them, but they often have good book recommendations. I learned of the novel Death Comes for the Archbishop. I did not have the novel, nor did I know someone who did, and since I am financially tight right now, I added it to my "Want to read" list on Goodreads. What makes the big difference here is that I was using my laptop and not my phone for all this, so I had the particular displeasure of clearly seeing my profile picture at the top of the screen. I was 18 when I took that. It was over 10 years ago, and I am now nearly 30.

---

To put it wildly, I fell back in time. I thought about where I was then, I had just started college. I had a new computer, new iPad, but I wasn't ready for anything. I definitely wasn't ready with any remote sense of self-control. I somehow managed to make it through that first semester. In fact, that's misleading. I sailed through the first semester, fueled by brilliance, over-confidence, and a competitive spirit, I absolutely soared, making A's and high B's. I thought I was ready.

It was the next semester that killed me. It was that semester where I had to put in actual work or else, I would not learn what I needed to know. I am still bad at putting in hard work; I am better, but still bad. This was the semester where I managed to scrape by. I was in differential equations, got a D, I didn't do the homework. I was in modern physics, got a C or a B-. One of my computer classes had me crying, not because of the difficulty of the material, just because it required work and I had waited until the last minute, and I was panicking.

My friend Michael went to Texas A&M. They didn't have a full physics program, so I didn't go there; being an asshole I told him I wasn't going to A&M because he was going there. There is some truth in that as well. Part of why I didn't go to Texas A&M is because he was going there, I had followed him for a long time. A problem I have is that I cling onto people.

I met Michael in the 3rd grade. He wasn't my best friend then and we had separate classes. He was in the smarter classes, and I was in the regular ones. An Issue that kept me in the regular classes was that I developed a deep anxiety tied with writing stemming from my bad handwriting. I can't say I had friends early on in third grade, I just played whatever was being played. I did have a best friend soon and his name was Pearce, and I did everything he did. He would come over to my house every day and we would play GTA or whatever I had. He kept his PS2 in his backpack. Pearce left pretty quickly at the end of 4th grade, but I was able to transition pretty easily then.

In 4th grade we played together at recess and that is when I really grew to know Michael, we had a Kirby club and would meet under one of the forts. When 5th grade started it was just the two of us. In middle school we were still friends and we had lunch together, but I started making what could be friends in my other classes, again we didn't have the same classes.

Middle school went pretty well, band kept me busy, but I never got far because I never practiced, I wouldn't continue band in high school. One could say that I didn't really socialize at all. I remember an incident in 6th grade where I was bullied. I don't think it was targeted at me, but this kid was slapping kid using the air dryer, and I was a week kid and I cried, and I told a teacher, and he was punished. I was not an angel either then. I wanted to be cool for some other kids, so I tripped a kid with a walking condition, I felt awful then and I feel awful now. I didn't own up to it and said it was an accident. I like to think that I haven't done anything so purposelessly cruel since then.

In 7th and 8th grade, my best friend was Paulo. He liked anime and manga just like I did. That friendship evaporated in high school, as I didn't keep in touch.

In high school, I started having lunch with Michael again not immediately, but I found him, it was then when I went into a real follower. Michael convinced me to join computer science, which I had no interest in until he had taught me to program my calculator and that sparked my interest. That spark turned into a fire and for several years, I would identify with programming as a great love. I would say it has waned in recent years, but I did get my master's in it.

I also joined the social studies club because Jason asked me to. I think, most of what I did was because other people wanted me there.

We had a club in high school called the Japanese Art Club, that was probably the only club that I joined because I wanted to join. It faded away my senior year. Call it poor management.

I didn't want to continue following Michael, and I already was in on the research happening at UH. So that is where I studied physics. In that first semester I had a job as research technician, but I was fired because I wasn't doing the work fast enough. I was barely doing it at all, I had to be self-motivated, still have trouble with that. The person keeping me motivated in my classwork was Jacky. I glommed onto her pretty quickly as and she was my motivation to work hard in my classes that first semester. Then she left.

That second semester I didn't have anyone, and I couldn't connect with the sibling of mine who was going there. I nearly flunked out in the next two semesters.

I went to Wharton County Junior College later to get my core courses done. And since it was all online, I got a job. I started tutoring and that is when I met Diana. I don't think I ever got attached to someone so fast. So, she was my rock for the next year and a half and then she left to get a better job elsewhere.

Long started at the same tutoring center right after her and he and I were fast friends, that was until COVID, and everything went online, and I went stir crazy. I accepted a job from a previous employer and started tutoring somewhat in person again, and worked with an old colleague and my brother, but then my brother started public school teaching in November, and I followed him and started teaching that next August.

There I attached myself to Jessica, and while I admit that I did have a crush early on, it went away quickly. She and I still work together.

---

I think I am a pretty self-aware person. I have attachment issues and issues with putting in effort. Things I struggle with are cleaning, dishes, laundry, reading, sticking to a television show, getting my students work graded in a timely manner.

Most of all I struggle to write. In one of my blind spots of self-awareness I cannot determine whether the want of perfection in writing stems from my earlier anxiety, or if it is an excuse for me to avoid putting in real effort.

I think to the authors George R. R. Martin and John McCrae. George R.R. Martin has been working on the Winds of Winter since 2011, and John McCrae writes nearly 7,000 words a week.

I feel I can land somewhere between that and yet, here I am.

Nothing I write is perfect and nothing I write do I ever want anybody to read.

When I have written, and written well, was when I was writing for someone, someone who wanted to hear the stories I wanted to tell.

[pikevin]

God I’m Tired.

This one goes out to Daniel, I can’t talk to you very often anymore, now that you are always gone. I miss our laundry room chats.

A year and a half ago, I got a job tutoring. It’s been really fun, and has had its ups and downs, but that is not what is important. What is important is that I met Diana, and to be cliche she’s perfect. Well at least my perfect, so sit down, for this is probably gonna be long.

I like writing, not much to it, I wish I was more dedicated but that is a sad fact for a different day. Stories break down into events, characters, and settings that are all used, reused, deconstructed, and put back together by storytellers. These are tropes. The most famous example is a sequence of events called “The Hero’s Journey”. The particular steps are not important to this story but know that is is used over and over again, from The Odyssey to The Fellowship of the Ring to A New Hope. The reason why I tell you this is because tropes are important to me, I like deconstructing stories and see what makes them tick. I especially have a fondness for stories that go above and beyond in showing their inspiration and loving it as they take from it. The Vicious Brother’s films and the manga Buso Renkin come to mind as I think about this. To put it simply I like works that are cliche, but to avoid the negative connotation, lets call them tropical.

Diana had been working there before me for a length of time unknown to me. But she, Danielle, and I would occasionally produce drawings for each other. Mine would usually contain monsters (it’s what I can draw). Danielle’s would have cute critters, and Diana’s would be exceptionally anime, trying to raise cool to the max. It didn’t take long for me to garner a crush on Diana, her being four years older than me didn’t help any chances I had. Even chancier was me asking her out in the first place, I am extremely, to put it bluntly, awkward. We quickly became friends, that at least wasn’t difficult, which is nice.

She got a Snapchat and I got one soon after because of her, and so begins The Hundred Days of Summer, which is a way more apt title for our “relationship” than you would believe. 

This is weird, my heart is pounding quickly typing this; I’m such a failure.

Diana had a wish jar set up to collect wishes from our students. She said that the wish was more powerful or something to that effect if it was a poem, so I present for the first time ever on the electric screen, My wish

I seek to follow in the footsteps of Orion

Not face to face with the dreaded Lion

But in the arms of love not dying

I wish for his great courage

I want to hunt with those close, not forage

But I have to much baggage in storage

I’ll let the moon light my path these days

I’ll get out of this eternal haze

Only for it to end in a blaze

Of glory

I would like to thank the muse of teenage angst who still presides over my works even though I am to old for her guidance.

The wish came true, but Artemis is a maiden goddess in myth, so any relationship with her roman counterpart can’t last (or even begin eh)?

I shoot for the moon and end up among the stars, the closes one least four years is still our sun, and then only if I’m lucky.

We didn’t date, but we hung out a lot. Played RPG’s, went to conventions, had meals, and whatnot. The hundred days only lasted so long. I asked her out towards the end of July, which at first she hesitated to respond (A whopping two days of anticipation on my part), but ultimately ended in a “no”, in a very “it’s not you it’s me way”, how tropical. 

I need to head north.

Diana was my Manic Pixie Dream Girl (see TV Tropes for more info). Fun, attractive, quirky, and wicked smaht, she was the whole deal, even colored her hair some. 

She had her reasons; to busy to date, getting a masters, and so on. She was very nice about it, but I am still having trouble getting over her. I ask myself questions like, “did she know?” I’m unsure. I haven’t seen her since the day I asked, and what will happen when I do? I have no clue. I don’t know how these things go and what if she’s not busy what then? Will I be there? Will she find someone else before then? I don’t know if I had only one shot, but here I am now, worrying about my feelings for a girl I haven’t seen in four months.

God I’m tired of all the melodrama I stir for myself.

[pikevin]

A bit of exposition - Jacky

So Jacky I know you read this blog so hello! This post is about you. Even as I type this you are talking to my mom about your brother. I have to ignore you now so I can write about you. Jacky is my closest friend. Not necessarily my best friend but definitely the one I can tell anything too. I first met her when she started dating my brother. I wouldn't say my brother started dating her because I am pretty sure Jacky is more assertive than that. At that time I tended to avoid her,cause she was kinda scary. Skip forward about a year and they broke up. Duffy was not to appreciative but they were still cool. Jacky during this time befriended Molly, my sister, so they hung out a lot. Jacky and I really became I guess friends when she started driving me to u of h in the summer before I started school there. She was already going to summer school there so she didn't mind driving her friends little brother every day. So to alleviate the awkwardness that would have occurred if I just rode silently we talked. A lot. About a myriad of different topics. It is why I started watching Buffy. Jacky is now watching a mosquito hawk. Molly just killed it. So during this period of time I developed a crush. I even kinda asked her to a movie, brave to be specific. Whatever. So that thing faded away. And then the school year starts and Jacky and I have four, but kinda five classes together. At the time she and I were in the same major. The cycle was fun she would convince me to skip calculus I made a 98 she failed, but that doesn't matter and is a different anecdote. So we became friends. We watch some shows together. I talk about serious things. I get disappointed when I hear about her many suitors; it's all in good fun though. So that's that. Peace in! Talk to you in a second, Jacky.

[pikevin]

So one thing three if you care about my projects and not my personal life

So I guess you can say that it has been a while since I last wrote. Haha. Welp I encountered another party like situation, but this time I actually attended on my own accord. It was Jacky’s birthday on the 23rd and it was really fun! Well pretty fun and pretty strange :/ It started off with Jacky and I going to her party for which we were late, but it wasn’t a big party or anything just me and Andrew and Duffy and Justin (and Jacky of course but that was a given). So Duffy brought several types of alcoholic beverages and the other four drank shots among other amounts (remember that I decidedly don’t drink). So we had fun and listened to terrible music, a lot of it featuring Riff Raff. We then started watching “Don��t Trust the B—— in apartment 23”, which I am making a note to myself right now to watch more of because it was both really funny and impressed me with its cinematography, which I realize is a really nerdy thing to say. Before the first episode ended right around the time Chloe finds out that June sold all of her stuff, we decided to go out to the store to get snacks and less alcoholic drinks, i.e. Coca cola, which upon arriving at said store we find out that there machine was broken and we couldn’t buy anything with cougar cash. Justin and I still bought stuff though with actual cash, he might have used a card though I can’t remember. We then went to the other store where Jacky did get something and Andrew paid for it and I can’t remember why but jacky slapped him. After this we went back and jacky kept spilling and breaking things (okay she only broke one thing) and we watched more apartment 23 and then we went outside and Duffy left. And I just noticed something just now. Apartment 23 was wachrd by us on the 23rd. Wait I just realized that we didn’t watch more apartment 23 till the end of the night. So Duffy left and I spoke with Nguyen for a bit and that was nice. We then hung out with AJ who Andrew knew from the beginning of the school year and whom I knew from one of my physics classes. His room was interesting with chalk writings of physics concepts on the walls and floor among other chalk drawings. He also seemed to have a plethora of other activities such as drawing, playing guitar, and I am not sure if this counts as a hobby but the recreational use of nun-chucks. We then left and went back to Andrew’s where we continued watching apartment 23. I can’t remember everything Jacky got that night, but I gave her my Buffy DVDs. Molly got her some nice smelling products from some fancy bath store, and I don’t remember what else she got. Wow that was longer of a story than I expected. Thing two. If you don’t follow my reddit posts religiously, and aren’t my Facebook friend, which is something I got in December, then you don’t know that I have a Webcomic now! It is called studio pending and you can view it on pendingcomics.com it is really funny and is about two friends who make movies. it is supposed to update twice a week but we are only managing half of that. Thing three is that we are also working on a podcast in which we will discuss smart movies like primer and Truman show. Kevin out

[pikevin]

Apparently Pakistan has been the most affected by the youtube comment changes

[pikevin]

I'll do an introduction later

But oh my gosh, what a day it was yesterday! I realized two things, I love going to games(go Houston!) and I hate going to parties (well at least parties that are spur of the moment). Jacky decided that she and I were to go to the American football game, it was Houston vs south Florida. We won and are now like 7-1. It was a blast, she and I had planned to go to house of pies afterward but we went to Jessica's apartment and things spiraled from there. While Andrew was playing modern warfare 3 a knock came upon the door, the guy was looking for a party. After finding out that he got the number right but the building wrong he invited us to the party, so we decided to all go. I did not really enjoy it, though I did see a guy I knew from high school and that was cool, but there was this one guy dressed as captain hammer, which I will say is probably the most difficult costume to put together, who I spoke to for a little bit and he was mildly entertaining but I think he was overplaying his inebriation. I spoke to Matt for a little bit, and he was a cool guy and also the one who brought us there. Suffice to say I left early. I know I would probably enjoy parties more if I drank, but is don't. So that is my problem. When I spoke to Andrew this morning he told me that they didn't leave till at least after one and that he really couldn't remember most of it. I really wish we went to house of pies instead.