pileofmessythoughts

[pileofmessythoughts]

I don't remember how to be the person that I used to be

But I don't even know if I want to anymore

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Why do I have to be the mature one, the bigger person. I am your child. I should be allowed to be as whiny and as petulant as I want. And you're still supposed to love me.

Love shouldn't be based on the fact that I'm doing everything right or that I agree with what you say. I shouldn't be afraid of losing your love, because you're supposed to love me unconditionally.

How can I believe that you're proud of me when you hate every aspect of me. You hate people who think the way I do, to the point where I don't feel safe disagreeing with you. Not for my safety, but for love. If your love cannot survive me growing and changing, was it love in the first place? Or control.

I knew that you'd love me as long as I was compliant, agreeable, easy to love. So I made myself everything you wanted. And then I found who I wanted to be, a life outside of you. And you hated it. You couldn't control who I was, so you blamed me. You said that I hated you. You turn everything into a fight.

You were supposed to love me, unconditionally. Regardless of anything, but then I went and became someone you didn't want me to be and you couldn't control me anymore. So you drove me away too.

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if anyone ever finds this. this is basically like an online journal. i have things from my old tumblr reposted here. i keep it around as an archive of growing up and things that I really needed to write/type/vent out.

I don't really mind if you read these, just.... dont tell me.

I also made this post specifically because i accidentally rebagled a few things to this from someone i follow on main, if you are that person, hi i guess

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Can you imagine being the kind of person who gets to love? Of being good enough to deserve love? Unconditionally

The kind of love where you feel like the safest place in the world is right next to them. The kind of love that you would cross deserts for, but know that your person would let no harm come to you.

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I need to remember to use this blog more. I might transfer some old thoughts/journals I have written by hand here. just to preserve them.

It's interesting, going back and seeing the thoughts I had years ago, and I don't know how I feel that not much has changed. When I was 18 I definitely thought I'd have my life sorted. 26 and I feel like I'm going back to the drawing board. I thought I wanted to teach, but I don't. It drained me away until there was nothing left of me. And I couldn't live like that.

I'm trying to be better, but the same thoughts echo through my life. I am going to therapy and I am taking medicine, but I'm not sure if it's really working.

I think it just brought me back to where I used to be. Or maybe I used to be worse and didn't realize it.

Either way, it didn't magically make me happy.

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I'm watching Doctor Who, and this episode is getting to me. (The girl who waited) and it's making me cry.

I think because i want a love like this. A love where I would go across time and space to save my wife. a love so strong that I would tear time and space apart to make sure that I grow old with my husband. Someone that I would wait for, for 2000 years just to make sure that she stays safe from the world.

I want a love so strong that I would move mountains for them. Someone that I would die for, but someone who makes me want to live.

I want someone who will care about me. Someone who will choose me first and continue to choose me. over and over again.

I want to grow old knowing that there will be someone beside me, with me, through the scary stuff and the fun stuff.

I feel like sometimes I missed something. I forgot to make a decision. Something that led me to where I am right now, instead of where I was supposed to end up. That there was supposed to be more for me but I missed it somehow.

I just want to be loved. I deserve to be loved. I want to love.

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you are allowed to do things that are comforting, even if other people think they're silly

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all i want is to be someone’s first choice, not a second choice. not someone that gets invited over as a last resort or skipped over when it’s inconvenient for them. I want someone to think of me first, not have to remind themselves to think of me

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I’ve seen things around that tell me to be the person that your younger self, and I usually tend to imagine 7th/8th grade/13/14 year old self. I mean it was only 5 years ago but I feel like I’ve changed so much.  It then leads me to the question: am I someone that my younger self would look up to? 

I know that a younger me would have benefited from a person like me. someone to tell her that it is okay to like the things you like, and that trying to be like other people in order to fit in actually does the opposite.  

 But I don’t know if younger me would have listened. I think that I would have just ignored it and kept on doing what I was doing.  These realizations I think only come from experience and age. I think that even if I was the person that I needed, I wouldn’t be the person that I wanted to be at that age.  

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One thing that I’ve wondered about lately is god and the idea of having a central religion confronts me. I’d love to find others that feel the same way that I do and learn from them, but to do that I’ve got to find a religion and find a term to label it.  

The thing is is that I don’t believe that god is a physical being, that he isn’t someone that you can pray to or talk to.  I believe that god is an energy that observable through life and things that occur in life.  God is the sound that bird make in the morning when you want to sleep, god is found in the way that you find that perfect spot on the bed and fall into a blissful sleep, God is the movement of the wind through the trees and the feel of the wind on your skin. God is the twinkle of the stars at night and the knowledge that behind each of those twinkles is a sun with it’s own planets orbiting it.  God is the way that your cat attacks your foot when you’re trying to put on your shoes and the way that your dogs climb all over you licking your face for attention.  

I feel that God is like a black hole, not observable on its own, but observable through the way it interacts and effects the things around it. 

I’m not sure which, or even if there is a religion that feels this way. I mean I think it sounds vaguely similar to the way that pagans feel.  But I don’t believe in magic or that people can actually control anything.  I might believe that people can send out good vibes to you, but I don’t think that anything actually is accomplished by this except for making the person feel like they aren’t alone and help them feel supported.  

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27 September 2014

I am strong, I am independent and I don’t need anyone.

But I still need to be reminded that I’m special.  I don’t want to be needy, but I do need someone who will take the time to tell me that they think that i’m special and loved and wanted instead of just skipped over in the crowd.

Today was my birthday, a day where you are supposed to feel special and loved, you are supposed to be the center of attention and given  treats to remind you that you are.  You aren’t supposed to be something that you wish Happy Birthday to and then ignored so you can move on with your day, especially when the one who’s birthday it is is your daughter.  

I’m 19 now and I’m growing up and moving away. And someday my father might regret just letting this birthday pass with only a simple Happy Birthday and then letting the whole entire day go past like it was any other day.  

The real kicker is that i went to my friend’s house tonight, a friend that’s uber religious and definitely doesn’t believe in gay marriage and I know that if I was ever completely truthful with her she would probably never speak to me again.  While I was there she gave me a present, my first and probably only present for my birthday (though my mom said she might get me something) and they made me a cake and made me feel wanted.  

If he had asked I would have told him I didn’t want anything, because I don’t.  But at the very least a card would have been nice. Something to remind me that I am actually loved and that he cares even a little bit that I’ve managed to survive another year of this hell that we call life

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Why?

why do i have to be perfect all the time? why am i not allowed to make mistakes like a normal person sometimes? why is it that i can’t get frustrated or upset at one stupid little thing but you can get upset at EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING and i just have to sit there and take it? i just want to know when i had to be this fucking perfect person who doesn’t make mistakes when everyone else around me is so messed up.

i think that as i was growing up, i saw all of the flaws and problems in my family and then tried to counteract them, but after 18 years the counteracting wasn’t just for myself, my family has come to rely on it too. so much that anytime that i act out in frustration or sadness, basically anything outside of the norm i get yelled at.

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If you truly knew me...

In my psych class we watched a video about teenagers in high school who took part in a program that challenged them to be open with each other and learn that they were not so different from each other and that they are not alone. Sometime I forget that I’m actually in college and was able to put myself in those teenagers footsteps. I could pretend that I was there with them. One thing that these teenagers were asked to do was to get I to groups of 5 and break down those walls they put up to keep themselves apart. They were given the phrase “If you truly knew me…” And then talk from there. I imagined what I would say if I were there. If you truly knew me… You would know that I am afraid. I am afraid to be myself, even when no one is looking because I’m afraid of what others will say. I’m afraid I being an outsider, even more than I am. I am an outsider, but I have found others that are the same as me, the nerds, the shy ones, the bullied, to hang out with so I won’t have to be alone. But I’m afraid that if I’m more of myself I’ll be an outsider from them too. I’m afraid of being alone. So much so that I am willing to hide parts of myself in order to feel some sort of companionship. I am not saying that I’m being fake with them or making up things in order to gain their approval, just that I fail to be 100% honest with them because I am afraid of their reactions to it.

My main secret is my sexuality. I’m not ashamed of being a lesbian or trying to hide it from my family. They already know, I’ve come out to them. My dad, mom and brother all know. The people I’m afraid of telling are my friends, especially this one friend that invites me over to her house every Saturday for hot dogs and s'mores (and I think I’m developing a crush on her sister, oops). The think is that her family is very Christian and I know her stance on homosexuality. We’ve only had the conversation because she knows I read slash Fanfiction and one time we were talking about religion and she said that if I converted I’d have to give up reading slash Fanfiction. This made me laugh a bit and say no, because she doesn’t know that I can’t give up a part of myself. I can’t change myself for others.

I want to be able to tell her, but I know I’ll lose her as a friend if I do. And I value her friendship too much to just throw it away over something that doesn’t need to be shared. I think that one day I’ll have to tell her, but for now I’m going to just ignore it and enjoy my time as her friend while she’ll still be my friend.

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alternate universe where everything is the same but they replaced the grape skittle instead of the lime skittle

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do you ever feel like something was supposed to happen to you but it didn’t? and now you’re just sitting here in limbo as the world tries to figure out what to do with you?

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I feel like I’m perceiving time differently. Or maybe I’m just reacting slower. But my brain definitely is processing everything at a slower rate than normal. It’s nice to be able to take the time to slow down, and not have my brain going at a million miles an hour. And my thoughts are only one and not a thousand like normal.

And I only can perceive one thing at a time. And it is difficult to keep more than one thought in my head at the time. I’m normally able to multitask with my senses and listen and look to different things at once. It’s a weird sensation because I know all of my thoughts are here, but it is harder to call them to my forebrain. They feel cloudy, like they are trying to fight through a pea soup fog to get into my immediate memory. The task center of my brain. There’s another word, but I can’t remember what it is now. I know I learned about memory in my cognition class.

I can feel my thoughts being disconnected, but it’s hard to return to that memory after I moved on from it. I did say a fog. Also it’s hard to move when I start getting focused on an idea. My body feels like I’m in quicksand.

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How come I can forgive others so easily when they mess up, but when I mess up I get so hung up on it and guilty over it?