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Today was really fun. Good food good friends, and lots of laughs. Maybe a little spark too, ig we’ll see.

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You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

’Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops,

Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

’Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

~Maya Angelou

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Wow, it has been a long time. I feel a lot has changed but at the same time has stayed the same. I’m still the same bitch I was in my senior year but now a bit worse. Maybe not worse just more obviously. I am no longer with my ex-boyfriend (thank god) and I’m pretty much in a fucked up state of mind in the midst of a pandemic that has given me all the time in the world to think. Judging from how harsh I was on my self in the last posts I truly believe it was for the better that I not be in that relationship. It wasn’t going well at all for the last couple months, well basically after our one year and even the majority of it actually. I had time to fully process all the emotions that comes with a break up and one that shines clearly is anger. Mostly at myself. For being in a relationship that was a basic waste of time and then being so invested that it still effects me now. We barely liked each other yet I put so much into in because it was my first and I’m truly disappointed. My plan was to lose my virginity to someone I was in a deep relationship with and now I realize I didn’t want that at all, I just wanted to have sex just out of curiosity. And now I have only the one experience with the one guy that I half assed like and it never was as I pictured it and because it’s my only encounter I can’t talk about other partners when it comes up in conversation or when I’m trying to fantasize about something else. And that was only the kick start to the year. Of course after that I was actually pretty okay, I was a bit upset understandably because he was my first for a lot but I knew that was coming from 6 months prior, I’m only mad I didn’t do it myself. But then we have the total lock down of the 2020 Carona virus and everything changed drastically. I was doing fine in school up to that point and then I had to drop English and I could barely keep up with school because I was at home not working being bothered by my annoying sister and my wonderful nephews. It was all too much stress and it reflected in my school work. Now a couple months later my mother has finally kicked my sister out, even though she comes back whenever she feels like it to reek havoc on my moms life, and we have the kids ready to get them their own room and get started with life like normal people for the first time since my freshman year of high school. On top of all of this my grandma was moved in and around in the midst and she tends to be an instigator despite her best intentions, I love my grandmother to the next galaxy and back but it’s something that just add stress. In addition to that stress I have to confront my childhood trauma in a letter to my sperm donor that was supposed to be done on Father’s Day but got pushed because I’m not so sure I’m ready to add that on top of everything that’s going on. He’s a major ass dick that I have no respect for neither care what’s happening with him, I just couldn’t care about him not even an ounce with everything else that I have. And everyone keeps asking me if I’m going to send the letter and honestly I don’t really want to because I just dont care. I’ve become numb to him and the trauma. I’ve confronted that past many of times and still come to the same conclusion that I could a rats ass about him or that side of the family for what they have done. I didn’t realize how toxic my childhood was until I realized that all my kid memories are of them and some kind of physiological abuse not the love that I know I received from my other side, my mom, my aunt, my friends, and even my sister at that point. Everything has turned me into somewhat of a bitter ass bitch and I’m kind of proud of it. I’ve realized that those toxicities are not need/ welcomed and I don’t have to put up with it no matter how people perceive me. From this time last year to now weight is not the only thing I’ve gained lol. I’ve done some deep searching into myself and discovered me. A women who is capable and unrelenting and I hope I never forget this side of me ever.

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Jeez

I must have been a virgin in my past life when I died cuz jeez, I have one make out session and I’m left a horny mess for the rest of the day wtfffffffffff. God what if I turn into a sex addict or something, can’t say I’d necessarily mind but my boyfriend isn’t the type to be wanting to do it that soon or that often I feel. And I respect his views on sex and stuff. Maybe it’s my senioritist like just do it, cuz I’d honestly rather do it now and live than wait forever wondering what it’s like. Idk maybe I’m just crazy💁🏽‍♀️

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Begin

My life was already complicated before I hit senior year but damn does this year take the cake. I would describe myself as a extrovert introvert that has sad times and really high highs. Sad times have befallen me another time. It’s not like something bad happened today I just feel like I’m in a mood of wanting to be done. I just got back from a chill date with my boyfriend and I realized that I’m a horny self absorbed bitch. No sugar coating. I’m a bitch that can’t even kiss her boyfriend with out thinking about herself. In my defense he was my first kiss and we haven’t been together long but I’m just awkward and embarrassed ALL the time. I sometimes think I shouldn’t have a boyfriend or family. My immediate family has gone through a ton of shit that shook us to the core but my mom, sister, and I try to live the best me mentally can. My sister is a whole other story that I’ll talk about another time. And no I’m not depressed or have anxiety or have sucidal thoughts, I just get in a mood and think about the world in different ways with or without me. Eventually everything will be revealed and I’ll pray that no one ever sees this blog.