pineapplee-sea

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Tis this thesis season and we are not eating... again

Not great when we are nursing a fucking knee injury lmao...

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Seen an article about ED and it's just so maddening...

They are like yeah don't internalize your ed thoughts, mindfulness and stuff

But no.

The real struggle is when I can just casually ignore my hunger cue for a couple of hours to the point that my hands start shaking and can barely stand up while I'm busy just bc i have done that so many times before in my raging ED days.

The real struggle is when you just start debating if you should have something to eat even if it's lunchtime and it's the first bite of food you'll have today.

The real struggle is that your ED behaviors are like a ghost that haunts you forever even if you are trying to do better.

And the real struggle is that you face your demons everyday cuz unlike people with addictions who can go cold turkey, you have to face food every day and every time you have it you have a mental struggle.

And to those who say "seek medical help"... DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE IS AN ED SPECIALIST??? Do you know the GASLIGHTING that may happen in the office???? Do you know how LONG someone has to wait to get medical attention???

No.

So until doctors stop not referring u to the specialist cuz "you have a healthy bmi" or an intake session that costs as much as my monthly grocery it is very, very unlikely, that anyone who has disordered eating, can get help.

Not me at least, atm. And I am really trying to heal myself :)

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Edit: no biggie it's just my ligament slightly stressed yeah my appointment cost 50 euros but at least I know I'm fine 😬

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haha great looks like my Achilles tendon also hates me so it decided to idk fucking inflame ✨

Miss my teenage years so much (well not really) but you see when i was in high school running everyday (EVERYDAY????) or doing weight training i had no issues AT ALL. Like i don't foam roll my leg at all?? And i don't really stretch??? never had a massage gun??? And the shoes i had for running were not even for running???? Never cross trained??? But I was never injured????

Now I have every gadget and use them???? But I got so much shit on my right side body??? Calves before??? And now tendon??? Like?????

WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG??? Or is it just AGING???????

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LOL.

Just accidentally found out that diagnosis about which my mom had the whole "omg the head of your femur is inflamed and you almost had a narcosis" conversation with me when I was 5 was actually... LCPD

NONE of the doctors told me that I'm supposed to not do any weight bearing activities on my affected leg for TWO YEARS. Meanwhile my doctor told me to "rest in bed for 3 months" and it will be good. Went back to being a kid (running jumping) and dancing right after the 3 months.

Luckily I turned out probably quite well. Only remembered this shit when I casually mentioned "oh when we were doing this rotation my hip really hurt" and she went all seriousness going "jeez if it's that painful maybe it's best for you to never do that again"

My mom NEVER told me anything about it (well not her fault she doesn't know I would turn out to run 20 fucking kilometers a week). The doctor probably NEVER informed my mom about long term prognosis and different treatment plans and everything.

Turns out I'll be more prone to hip problems later in my life. Turns out I may be more likely to get a hip replacement when I'm in my 60s. Turns out I should've had physiotherapy at that time and be observed about how my femur and hip socket are growing.

I am so mad. I am so fucking mad right now.

All these years I thought there was something wrong with me.

Feeling my affected leg was slightly shorter (turns out the patients' affected leg is on average 1-1.5cm shorter).

Feeling my affected leg is weaker and there's muscle imbalances between two legs (turns out it could).

Feeling that the knee of my affected leg was more prone to problems (turns out it might be affected).

I'm so mad. So mad right now. For 18 fucking years I did not know about this. I thought it was long healed. How tf was I supposed to know that the prognosis depends on how my hip was developing (which on average finishes at around 14 lol).

Having this is unfair enough. Not even being properly treated is even more horrible.

Fuck the doctors. Fuck them.

(And I'm going back to my home country where this fucking shit happened and I have NO IDEA where I can get help from. I have no idea where physio clinics are in my or my partner's city. I have no idea which hospital I should go to. Yet this. Fuck.)

I'm just hoping that my running is not affecting it and will not affect it. Fuck. This is so fucking tough. That made me cry.

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Alpha GPC + PEA combo should not be gatekept cuz if legal OTC supplements work so well why abusing addies bro???

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Sooooooo... I started experimenting with taking PEA 30 minutes before my study sessions... and it's... concerning... (it's legal & over the counter supplement & on sale in H&B so yeah)

Like it's the precursor of L-tyrosine which is the precursor of dopamine which promotes productivity and stuff

Like I watched take your pills from Netflix before and I was SKEPTICAL of a dude's answer of "annoying difficult coding questions become interesting to work on" when asked how it feels to be on Ritalin (he has ADHD)

And today I experienced exactly that... with PEA... like literatures that I'm too impatient to read... became tolerable... For the first time ever I could actually read stuff... and it was tolerable and not draining my soul...

Am I supposed to feel like this while reading stuff about my thesis??? Like??? DAMNNNNN

(Getting an appointment with a psychiatrist rn cuz what if i really have adhd even i never feel like that)

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Win for today: was hungry before bed and actually chose to eat.

Orange and peanut butter and shrimp crackers to the rescue ✨ look like a balanced snack for me ✨

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Can't help but think about how... normal... Charles' portion size is despite his very very active lifestyle.

Like. I'm doing my half marathon training rn. I run 15km a week and HIIT rowing class / yoga /pilates once a week and my bodyweight s&c 2 or 3 times a week. So maybe 6-8 workouts per week.

And I, got injured, from not eating enough food, and had to mechanically eat 3 meals plus a snack every day to run fast and push hard in my training.

Yet Charles, crunch a million activities in one day, doesn't eat breakfast, and eats similar portions as I do.

Like how.

And he's like "I worked enough to really enjoy dinner tonight" bitch i...

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Never would I ever thought I would see an fia-accredited media body shame any driver :)

Like. LOL.

That shit is so fucking triggering. Like I can't help but compare my food to his. Like I can't help but start to think about my food consumption. Like I have flashbacks of my ED days.

And ffs the relationship of food Charles displayed in his winter training videos is WORRYING ENOUGH and I am genuinely concerned.

Yet he is... body shamed... over nothing... lol.

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Me: teasing my roommate's small appetite

My roommate (don't know I have ED let alone my relapse): hey you're actually the one who's not eating okay??!!

Oh. Well.

Guess my roommate has a better grip of how bad shit has been than I do apparently. Cuz I didn't know how bad shit has been until 5 days ago.

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Feel so bad for my fwend to listen to my food struggle rants every day :(

I feel so bad even though she doesn't mind :(

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... To some extent they are not wrong 😇

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oh btw spoiler alert: got injured after being extremely hungry & dreaming about food for almost a week 😅

my physio thought it was a strength problem but it turned out my strength is okay and i am not that stressed to the point that i picked up injury so this is quite likely from me not eating enough food 😅

Just saying but it doesn't work if i run 18km per week + rowing + pilates and only eat two not-so-big meals per day 😅 i wonder why i got injured 😅

LOL the worst thing in the world: realizing I didn't eat enough for tomorrow's training and it's too late to eat cuz I row tomorrow morning at 7 and need to sleep now :)

Basically I will go to bed knowing I WILL suck tomorrow and THIS IS JUST GREAT 👍

I AM SO SO SORRY I PROMISE I WILL EAT MORE TOMORROW PLS DON'T SUCK :(

(My body tho: huh u def not eat enough food lemme just happily not put in effort tmrw as a revenge ✨

(tw. will talk about numbers after this)

But seriously tho. My best run so far came after eating so so much carbs the day before. Like getting 500+cals in liquid cals alone and ate a bunch of rice and pasta and food in general. LIKE IT WAS NOT EVEN HARD. EVEN IF I ONLY HAD A CANDY BEFORE I WENT RUNNING.

I hate this tho. I felt like I eat enough if I don't train but DAMN THAT MIGHT NOT BE ENOUGH 😅 IT'S HARD. Especially with my history of (). REALLY DAMN HARD.

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Also realized how horrible things were several years ago this morning... Like why would anyone track the calories of a multivitamin pill and worry it may break her fast... But I did :)

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I ate 3 meals + a snack today as my agreement to myself yesterday!

Do I like this? No.

Should I do it? Yes.

Just like how I power through my training schedule I am also powering through my eating now...

I can do it tho. I can do it.

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Like I finally realized that the shit has hit the fan. It's so difficult to confront myself and say yes it might be making a comeback but yes I will also be doing better and be more mindful day by day. At the end of the day I am going to be fine. I will be fine. :) Even tho this is difficult and I want to cry now but I will be better. :)

I hate this shit tho.