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[pinecellar]

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. (Or at least attempt to)

Today I wrote out a list of things I want. Here it is:

To create, film, write and act in my own projects

To build or find an artistic (hopefully queer) community and foster it

To be a better friend and support; potentially later a lover/partner

To have an income

How to do this? I frankly have no idea, but I am tentatively optimistic that I can figure this out.

2024 has been one of the toughest years of my life, next to 2013 when I ended up unhoused and lived out of my car. It almost seems like it’s entirely unraveling. I got laid off from a job I loved, I lost my beloved cat Biz, and my partner (of over 10 years) and I amicably broke up recently. Needless to say, I’m pretty shattered and scattered at the moment.

However, there are so many things for which I am thankful. I have my health. I have housing. I have marketable skills and a frankly impressive resume. I have savings I can dip into as finding employment in my professional field currently (product design) is BAD and likely will continue to be bad. I have been on interviews (which I typically ace, thanks to my former life as a professional actor with hundreds of auditions under my belt), I have honed my resume, I have redone my portfolio and personal branding (the latter I know is cringe but necessary), and I have built new skills quickly. I have, as the old Bear Grylls meme states, improvised, adapted and overcome.

I am a survivor. I had to be all my life. However, as I inch closer to middle age, I know I can’t keep this up forever. I don’t want to be an island or a recluse. This I know. No person can be and maintain their well-being, but I also don’t want to say goodbye to filmmaking/acting/storytelling. Not until I figure out what she wants from me.

Creative pursuits are volatile lovers. Filmmaking/acting has been pestering me for years after I left Los Angeles and my inability to properly address her while juggling my “life after her” has had extremely negative effects. I have changed in a bad way. The passionate, vivacious, creative person I was got pushed aside. Yes, I am a far more stable, professional and easy going person than I used to be, but I never evolved that past creative life/person into something else. I never married my past and my present in a satisfactory way. I basically unceremoniously pushed her away like she was some childish pursuit to be shunned and abandonned, but she was always there. Always whispering. Always taking me away from the people and the life I had built after her and making me resentful of it all.

My partner always supported my creative pursuits. I want to make that clear. I just didn’t know how to handle my “creativity mistress” and be what my partner needed. I deeply love my partner still, and always will. I want them in my life, but I want them to be happy and fulfilled. I can’t be a good and present partner for anyone until I figure this creative gnawing out, but I do know I ultimately want to be someone’s lover and partner, fully and generously. I know I’m more than capable to love, give and support through good times and bad times. I’ve done it before, but I want to give myself fully this time.

I have been working on a short “film” for months now. My layoff threw me through a loop financially and emotionally, which delayed its progress. I have learned a lot from this project about what is too ambitious for one person. I am beginning to try new time management processes and project management so I can sustainably continue this type of creative workflow when I ultimately gain employment (unfortunately, you gotta pay those bills).

Things are so volatile right now that I am gonna stay away from the news and lock my phone daily to prevent “doom scrolling.” There are things we can control and things we can’t. I know what I can control and it’s not the national or global political stage. I don’t what is gonna ultimately happen, but I sincerely feel like everything is gonna be okay.

[pinecellar]

Mr. Business is dead and I don’t feel so good myself

My mom used to read Lewis Grizzard, who was a humorist from Atlanta who was popular during the 1980s. I remember seeing his books on our bookshelves and one was called “Elvis is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself.” I dunno why the title resonated with me as a kid, but I often think of it when someone I liked or loved has passed.

Biz passed suddenly this yesterday morning. I was sleeping in (I was up late doing video editing work, with Biz actually lounging on my computer tower enjoying the warm exhaust) at the time when I heard what sounded like a growl from his cat treadwheel. My partner, who had been working in the living room, ran in and saw Biz collapsed on the wheel. His breathing stopped, his pupils dilated, and his body was limp. The little guy was gone. According to my partner, Biz had been surprisingly lively that morning. He had eaten a few treats, sunbathed, cuddled with my partner, and even playfully batted at Cary. He then proceeded to get on his treadwheel (something he had been too tired to do as of late) and start trotting. It seemed like he was gonna have a good day. Then, within an instant, he made a noise and then departed this world.

We believe he likely had a sudden heart attack, but it could be anything. He had FIV since we adopted him. He had so many health issues, but damn, he was such a little trooper who never held a grudge when we had to take him to frequent visits to the vet. However, the melanoma was growing so rapidly in his tiny body and the tumors were becoming so big and prone to injury that he was spending most of his time in a soft collar to prevent him from scratching them. It was so hard to see him complain from not being able to itch himself. It was only a couple of days ago that he got the collar off and ended up scratching himself so badly in the night that he and our wall were both covered in blood. My partner and I knew that we didn’t want any creature in our care to suffer, however, despite the complaining about the collar from time to time, he overall seemed okay, particularly when taken for his nearly daily long walks where he marched up to strangers and charmed them. We wanted his eventual passing to be peaceful and free of pain and we agonized over when to make the call to give him that. Instead, he seemingly decided to make that choice for us.

Mourning is strange. It’s a mixture of sorrow, relief, gratitude, numbness, and a million what-ifs. My partner and I mourned Biz for months before his passing. When we found out about his rare cancer and that it would likely spread fast, we wept on and off for days. We vowed to make his last months the best. I hoped he would make it to see Spring one last time and go on the leashed walks he loved so much. He did, and I can confirm how much he loved his time in the sunshine. That was such a blessing and I realize how lucky we were that we had that knowledge, as sad as it was at the time.

Biz was my first cat that I adopted as an adult. He was a little ball of personality and spirit and I am so grateful to the people who took him out of that shelter and brought him to our city. Our time together was briefer compared to other cats I’ve had in my life, but goodness, it was rich. He symbolized grit and survival to me, not just his own, but mine as well. When I adopted Biz, I had finally achieved financial security so that my partner and I could move into a larger, pet friendly place. We saw this little one eyed, FIV positive orange tabby who made it despite the odds against him on a local rescue site. He was a tiny, scruffy thing that marched right up to us when we arrived at his foster’s apartment. When we took him to our sparsely decorated new place, he immediately made himself at home. He seemed fearless. I knew he was the one.

He always will be the one. I had always wanted a cat who was a friend to all and he was that to a T. He charmed everyone he marched up to. Most people in our building knew Mr. Business. People in our neighborhood knew that silly, one eyed guy. Biz made our lives richer just because he made us meet our neighbors, which is nearly impossible in a big city and even harder when your caretakers are somewhat introverted.

I miss him, probably always. I’ll miss his little tantrums when he wanted to play or go outside. I’ll miss his snuggles. I’ll miss kissing his little spot over his stitched shut, empty eye socket (which I know sounds gross when I type it out). I’ll miss how excited he got when it was time to go on his walks. My family and I lost our cat Shiro well over two decades ago and we still talk about him often. Shiro was one in a million and Biz joins him as a fellow one in a million-er. My life may seem a little less bright now that he’s gone, but I know it will always brighten back when I remember the thousands of moments I spent with him. Phones might be awful, but I have so many wonderful clips and pictures of him thanks to that device.

I love you, Mr. Business. Thank you for being a part of our lives.

You know, I may feel a bit awful right now that he’s gone, but I know I’m gonna be okay.

[pinecellar]

It’s been…

Two weeks have passed since I finished my professional portfolio and I’ve been submitting to jobs since. It has been difficult. Our cat Biz is still here, with us having shifted to comfort care for his cancer, but he has good days and bad days. He’s been our little orange one eyed guy for over 6 years and while we always knew, due to his FIV, we could lose him earlier than a non-FIV cat, it’s still so unbelievably hard. I’ve been going through stages of mourning despite him still being here with us. Perhaps he also represents a time of rebuilding for me and to lose this little symbol or mascot of overcoming hardship during a time when I have to rebuild myself again is incredibly sad to me. Right now, I’m sitting next to him as he sleeps on an ottoman he’s grown strangely attached to recently. I just love the little guy so much. I always will.

Also during this time, a close family member has been going through their own mental health crises and I am attempting to help them to the best of my limited ability but it has been extremely hard. I love them and have always looked up to them. When it rains it pours, so I’ve heard.

With everything else going on in the world, it all seems so bleak… but then, there are a few bright spots. My partner, my other cat Cary, streaming, and my video projects, the last being the whole reason I started this Pine Cellar persona. I am returning to them and while I am stressed, I am also hopeful. I lost my job right when I was returning creatively to my old self. I then shifted and threw everything into rebranding my professional career and getting myself ready for the job hunt.

Now, I am stumbling back into the creative process, but I want to do it sustainably. I am no longer the spry early 20 something that could do all night shoots in Los Angeles. I am not the late 20s to early 30s woman who could work themselves to a nub to build a new career in tech. I am in my late 30s now. If I want to create, I have to do it sustainably. It’s been hard to accept my age. That I need to take breaks and get proper sleep. That I can’t push myself for hours and hours like I used to. That being said, I am far more skilled and frankly faster, so I appreciate my young self a lot.

I am now using a piece of tech called “Brick.” It’s basically a 3D printed block that contains a sensor you scan to lock your chosen apps. You can place the magnetic Brick anywhere, ideally somewhere somewhat out of the way. I know it’s kind of ridiculous you buy a piece of tech to stop you from using another piece of tech. However, if it works for me (particularly better than the uninstall/reinstall cycle I got into with certain apps), I don’t see the issue with using it. The amount of willpower I’ve had to expend in the past to not mindlessly scroll social media for hours is just too much, particularly with all the stressors in my life right now.

Anyway, I just need something good to happen right now. I’m getting a bit weary of bad news.

[pinecellar]

I just watched a great video from F.D Signifier about Black wrestlers and he spoke about how people of color, in particular Black people, are only in the good graces of white companies until they aren’t. I immediately recalled how the only people laid off from my prior company in my department were women of color, myself included. Sad but not unsurprising.

[pinecellar]

Microblog has none of the same engaging features other social media platforms have meaning no one is ever on it

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I need to stop paying for this stupid ass platform. What a fool I am

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I love that no one cares about microblog

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I don’t think I’m ever gonna to amount to much and that’s okay.

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I don’t understand why, after a full year, there is no end in sight for this ADHD medication shortage in the US. The DEA is useless. You can’t change my mind on this.

[pinecellar]

In my unemployment arc

I got laid off today from a job I had for 5 years. I’m feeling a torrent of emotions: fear, exhilaration, exhaustion, but most notably heartbreak. I loved my day job and who I worked with. However, my nice job at a nice company represented something more profound than that to me. It was the proof I had achieved a level of success in a career I built completely from scratch. I crawled from poverty to earn a title of Senior Designer in product/UX design and to earn a secure enough living to return to my true love: filmmaking.

Another feeling that is prominent in my mind — gratitude. Here are just a few reasons why:

I have been spending the past few months returning to passions and spending time with loved ones, including my terminally sick cat, Mr. Business aka Biz.

I have been expanding my skills that are relevant to my personal and professional life. I’ve been refocusing on my overall health.

I didn’t destroy my physical or mental health for a job, something which I am prone to doing as the daughter of a workaholic and as someone who has been destitute.

I didn’t get fired or was driven to quit, but instead I got laid off. I have severance and so many coworkers and friends are now shopping my resume around.

I have some time to figure out what I really want my career to be.

Right now, I’m sitting with how scared I am and learning that feeling like that is totally okay.

[pinecellar]

“Failure” and why it’s not something to be feared

I’ve always been afraid of failure and I failed last night. Long story short, I was hoping to do some close up shots that would require my hands to be “aged up” with foam latex prosthetics (adding swollen joints to mimic arthritis). First, I underestimated how long setting up the shots would take. Second, I underestimated how long the prosthetics would take to dry. Third, I never used PAX paint (a combo acrylic paint and proaide adhesive that you can use to color and seal foam latex prosthetics) and didn’t realize how sticky it actually is and how it needs constant powdering, particularly tricky when you don’t have someone assisting you aka another set of hands.

When the early morning hours continued to creep in, I not only noticed the amount of time I had for shots dwindling but that my hands were sticking together as I worked, ripping and tearing at the arthritic prosthetics. A bit heartbroken, I made a decision to take off the prosthetics, clean up, get some shut eye, and reassess later the next day or at least after I got some rest. However, my brain kept telling me what had happened — the thing I had feared most: I had failed.

But I hadn’t.

Success sometimes isn’t crossing every “t” or dotting every “i”. Sometimes it’s just taking a step forward and learning from setbacks. I had never used foam latex prosthetics before and I had done a good job initially applying it: success. I had set up the camera and discovered my tiny green screen setup would work: success. I made PAX paint and matched my skin tone pretty closely on first try: success.

I created, ran into some issues, learned from the issues and pivoted: success.

Our brains our funny. They often make us fear failure and then create the single perfect scenario that it would deserve the label of success. If we don’t achieve that often lofty goal, then we’ve failed. All of this is an ass backwards way our brains try to “protect us.” Our brains set ourselves up to “fail.”

Unfortunately, I didn’t take a photo of my hands for I ripped off the latex but I wanted to share the set layout. It was great seeing it all my props together.

[pinecellar]

Back on my old shit

I FINALLY dusted the rust off and filmed. Exported it to Premiere (since I can do a quick key and see if the footage is believable on stock footage with quick color adjustment), and I was pleased to see how well it came out in just 10 minutes of rough keying work. Frankly, it felt amazing. I was energized, excited and even exported stuff into DaVinci. Gonna hopefully shoot some b-roll today (don’t think I’ll have time for the main stuff), but it feels so damn good to be back.

[pinecellar]

I just wanna say that I’m proud of myself. ADHD be damned. I got a lot done during my vacation for my family when I was in Atlanta and even managed to get a makeup test done on the last day of my vacation. Self back pats all around.

[pinecellar]

Hand makeup test

My first attempt at an aged hand without any arthritic or vein prosthetics. What I’ve learned as a complete amateur:

Liquid latex is EXTREMELY temperamental and needs to be layered quickly. Not recommended if you’re trying for aging accuracy unless you are a pro.

Green Marble Sealer is fucking awesome for aging fx.

Alcohol based makeup is awesome and even great for beginners.

Cream based makeup SUUUUCKS but good for blending.

Making a fist is the best way to create wrinkles on your hands as Green Marble cures.

[pinecellar]

I am so excited for this Thanksgiving and the following weeks afterwards. Only working 8 weekdays in December (didn’t take a vacation all year) and devoting it all to video stuff. FUCK. YES.

[pinecellar]

The eternal ADHD battle of doing the laundry, including the finale of folding and putting it all away, and the threat of more laundry looming on the horizon

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I love micro.blog because I can post the most mundane, boring shit alongside other people’s mundane, boring shit and because you can’t see “likes,” you can just post, smile, and walk away.

It fucking rules. Mentally healthy boring posting is seriously underrated.