Last Seen Blogs
dorene78
Untitled
mrbexwrites
M. R. Bex Writes
ex-skydiving-scientist
Ex Skydiving Scientist
ticinosthetics
Ticinosthetics
her-stars
her stars
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having a hard time accepting that AyA are not endgame...
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to do list:
see what it takes for me to legally change it
try to organize what songs im playing next week
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rumours about taylor swift coming back to brasil next year (or maybe even 2026) and istg the moment i saw these rumours i started seeing the world in a new light - again!!! can't wait to go through all that madness again and again for her <3
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i have so many problems of my own to solve - i don't even know where to begin - and yet they put me to work solving problems for others please can't you see that i suck at this
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wish i could write more in my physical diary but 1. there's so much going on in my brain that coming here is easier cause i can type and delete as soon as my mind changes the direction (and i type a lot faster than i write) 2. my nails are enormous it hurts my hand. i dont honestly know what im writing about yet, i just know when i read this after a few weeks or months and only then i realize what was aching my heart back then (back here i guess...?). i think saying that im going back to college is a good topic to start. not sure how i feel about it, it's a bittersweet feeling thats for sure.. i'm kinda excited about it and kinda why am i doing this? why am i going there for the 392892th time just to make sure that's not for me? i believe i'm excited about it because at least i'll be doing something - the feeling is very similar with the one i had back in November/21, when my classes started; it was a moment where i was more excited because i would at least have "something to do" (and i ended up having lots of somethings cause i started working at the exact same time.. remember watching my first class on the car while going to work. what a nightmare). that's also another thing that pops up in my mind every now and then: do i experience college in a different way that i thought because i have to work? i've missed every college party and even classes i'd love to take because i had - and have - to be at the office as soon as i leave there. answering my own question, yes i think that's def a reason. wish this was different. what should i do? honestly wish a lot was different. if i won the lottery (amazing how money really is everything.. i could solve almost all my problems just by having more money) i'd... the options are really endless.. well i'd do many things before doing this but the point is (!!!) i'd 1. taking acting classes and really doing what i believe makes my heart happy 2. talking about college, i'd start doing journalism in a good and private uni and really dedicate my time to it - while taking classes of marketing and stuff.. i'd be better. so far from here.. so far from all the things that i hate in the actual me. the fact that my mind and body would (let's be optimistic and say will) follow me everywhere till the end of my days still is something that haunts me. wish i could go back in time and born again. this time i'd do everything right.
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so much to talk about but all i can talk about right now is my obsession with RBD - that took over my entire life - so i just came here to say that i've been feeling literal physical pain thinking about mia and miguel on season 3 when he djuejgrhegj sabrina istg my heart aches just with the thought of it (since i've just started s2) why God why
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took too much sleep medication now i'll be feeling dizzy all day
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OKAY BUT I'M SEEING TAYLOR SWIFT IN A MONTH FROM TODAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! three days in a row!!!!!!!! and then AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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when will this feeling pass? when will I go back to enjoying my life again, not wanting to die at every single thing that happen to me? when will I feel me again? when will I do things I love? when will I stop doing things I hate? when will my days be filled with pleasurable (that's def not a word but at this point i don't honestly care anymore) instead of this... i don't even know how to put into words what has been feeling my days lately.. so many bad feelings. and what makes me the most desperate is the fact that i've been coming here for years saying the same shit - and nothing seems to change. nothings changes, in fact. there's a part of my life that is completely different, but this one - the main one - is stuck in the same place for years. i have such a bittersweet feeling about 2020 - 2022 (or maybe 2021.. 2022 was different than these other two years - i'm just not sure if i mean it in a good way) sure it changed my life and gave me a bunch of extraordinary memories, but when i look back at it - at the bigger picture - all i can see is a blur. time is flying and this creeps me out. i know i'm a nostalgic person and i miss things the second i know they are not coming back, but there is some comfort in the traumatizing year that was 2020 to me. i dont know.. i always say that im stuck in there yet, in the edge of seventeen, but sometimes i feel like i'm moving forward - and here it comes the strange part: this makes me sad. i wish i didn't. i've been attached for so long and developed such an unique connection with that H from 20/21 that i don't wanna leave her behind. i still think with her head, i still think withher heart - and jsut the thought of not doing this anymore give me that bittersweet feeling and the carousel never stops turning... when i have i different opinion than i did 2 years ago i stop and think "wait... what? i don't think that way..." this pandemic really fucked my head in unchangeble (another word i'm not sure is real) ways, huh?
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4am and im tired but i dont wanna sleep and wake up to do the same fucking shit again again and again for hours then come back home and repeat repeat repeat
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if i don’t pass this exam i will literally cut my throat
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