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I got a call this morning to reschedule my med management appointment because my provider passed away unexpectedly. I’m so upset that shes gone, that’s unreal. Heather you were so amazing at what you did and it was always such a bright point in my day when I got to see and talk to you. I’m so so sorry that you are gone from here so soon but I know you’re in a better place now and can help people from afar while you also get taken care of by God and your friends and family who have also moved on. I’ll see you again one day and will always remember the huge impact you’ve had on my life 💕

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I just realized I will have to start looking/applying for jobs or post docs this summer. I am not okay with that development. I still don’t even know what field I want to get into wtf

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I’m spiraling so damn hard and fast. I don’t even know what’s happening right now. Everything I say or type sounds stupid or like I’m not even here and I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t go into a fucking grocery store without having anxiety about what negative things someone might think about me. I can’t tell my friends or family what’s happening because I can’t let them worry about me or god forbid know that my granddads death fucked me up. Like I got my damn hair dyed today and I hate it and I can’t deal with it and I don’t think I can tell my lady how I feel about it even though I logically know she’s not going to hate me I just feel like she will and that’s enough.

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I’ve had so much social anxiety since the funeral. I don’t feel like me anymore.

I did dance marathon this past weekend and almost immediately had an anxiety attack when I got to the gym. I had been dreading going the day before and that morning and but told myself that it was going to be so much more fun and the scenario I was making in my head wasn’t real. Then I got there and it was pretty much exactly like the scenario I made up. I felt so out of place, I was alone in a room full of people, I didn’t know what to do or what was going on. I spent a few minutes trying to find and figure out the schedule, because surely that would help but it wasn’t as structured as I thought it would be. I decided I’d go to the bag check but the walk from the main floor to the bottom floor was enough to put me into full panic. I ended up in a bathroom that was away from everyone and just cried and shook and breathed for a solid minute. I was trying to stay there until someone in my group got there so I ended up playing basketball ball for 10 minutes. But dance marathon took over that gym too so I just left and went to hangout with Casi at her house so that I wouldn’t be alone. A couple hours later I went back and ate lunch by myself and then found Natalie and her bf. It was still awkward but was better.

Yesterday, I went back to Casi’s house and watched baseball and some movies with her but then at the end when I was about to leave we started discussing (low key arguing) about minors (13-17) having access to social media and I ended up cutting it off because I was annoyed and felt like she didn’t understand me and then I was driving home and replaying it over and over and started to feel like she thinks I’m broken or something idk. Whatever it was struck a cord and made me want to cry and also made me angry.

I also feel like everything I say rn is bitchy or argumentative. It’s like every thought just comes out and immediately afterwards I’m kicking myself because it came out mean or snarky which wasn’t the intention. But can there be an intention when you just say the first thing in your mind?

Lastly, I feel so inferior. I feel like the “duff”. I stg every time I like someone they end up liking my friend and it makes me feel like shit. Like I’m not good enough and never will be. I like the guy in my lab and have even told my friends about it. Casi came into the lab to study and the three of us talked for a second in between some other conversations. Then this afternoon Jack and I were leaving at the same time and he asked about what she was studying and my heart sank. I know it could just be him making conversation, but she hadn’t been there for hours and he brought her up. It hurts. I also offered him a ride and he declined and that fucked me up a little too, bc if he liked me he would have accepted the invitation.

Now I’m home, and it hit me how empty I feel. And it’s not just emptiness, but it’s almost like I’m in this constant state of confusion (?) where I don’t know what I feel or why I feel like I do it’s weird. I don’t have a desire to do anything. I don’t want to talk to anyone. For the first time, I don’t want to go to therapy, but I know I need to because I am spiraling a little bit. I’m just honestly waiting for it to be dark out and a slightly more acceptable time so I can just go to sleep.

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So I’ve overall been doing good, which honestly pains me because how shitty is it that my granddad died a couple of weeks ago and I don’t even really think about it. I thought about that a lot yesterday. But this morning I hadn’t thought about it at all and then I’m reading my friends grant proposal for marine mammal barnacles and infections and she mentioned an infection in the blood stream and I automatically got triggered and taken back to the hospital and funeral and him and I am crying at my desk now. It’s like there’s this battle inside me that doesn’t want to think about it or feel anything because I know I will go into a depression and then there’s another part of me that is judging myself for not thinking about it but then as soon as I do I’m sitting here judging myself for crying and feeling sad and being triggered by a very scientific thing

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Granddaddy’s funeral was yesterday and it was beautiful. I was chosen to be the one to sit next to grandma and god it was hard. Now more than ever I feel like I’m saying and doing the wrong things and wish I was better at talking to people. I have never felt more socially awkward and isolated than I have around my family this week. Yes, it’s nice to be around them but what am I supposed to say. I think almost every time of spoken there’s been silence from everyone afterwards and I’m sure I’ve said something wrong or inappropriate. My grandma chose to ride with me instead of my dad the other night because she felt like they’d run out of stuff to talk about and I’m sitting here like I won’t be much better. And of course all that any of us can talk about right now is Granddaddy but that’s also the last person or topic any of us want to talk about.

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I feel like throwing up. Like screaming. Like just going into the woods and isolating myself for the rest of eternity. Like tearing everything apart and throwing stuff into the walls and floor. Like just going to a dark closet and hitting my head into the wall until a pass out.

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We still don’t think my granddaddy is going to make it through the weekend, maybe even to the weekend. We got him moved to hospice and he slept the entire time they were transporting him from one bed to another and then down to the new room. My mom is taking this so hard and bc she’s a nurse she’s been helping them change his diaper and turning him over and transferring/transporting, and I think it’s making it harder for her. My great uncle Charles came and he was heartbroken so all of us were too. Like I won’t ever be able to go fishing with him ever again. And he won’t ever be able to psychically predict my children’s birthdays like he did with us and Ruby, or meet my future husband or just any of this stuff. And My grandma asked me if I was dating and then was talking about how they would be married for 57 years in April. I just wish I could take everyone’s pain and bear it myself. And I’m just here trying to still keep everyone light by cracking jokes and stuff but the pain is still there. And I almost forgot to kiss him on the forehead. It’s like he’s not there anymore. His body is just a shell and he’s gone. I can’t.

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Granddaddy is in rough shape and back in the hospital. He had a stroke on top of a bacterial infection of the blood stream. I hate this for everyone. Apparently he doesn’t recognize my mom. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I show up in the morning and he thinks I’m her. I think I would just have to leave for a bit idk

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This morning was slightly harder for me. I was low key having a tiny mental breakdown.

I just feel like every 5 seconds Sean has been asking me to do something since I took over as the lab manager. Whether it’s because we’ve been having issues with the incubator and freezer and Cyanobacteria, or because we have a new undergrad that needs training, or a package to pick up, or a seminar/webinar that I should attend. I just barely have time to breathe let alone work on my own research project, which I don’t understand half the stats I’m doing. And on top of that I’ve had water club shit to do and I have an abstract due for a conference on Monday but Sean wants it now. Like I just want to cry and go to sleep.

It also doesn’t help that I’m trying to help KD and that’s adding stress. Part of me wants to tell him I can’t handle it but that’s not fair to him.

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I don’t fucking understand why people can’t just be honest about their feelings or intentions and have to just waste others time. Like Lola is making everything about her when it has absolutely nothing to do with her. Who the hell takes the fact that someone has to cancel because they’re sick or their family member is in the hospital and turns that into “people canceled on me because I’m not good enough” ??? That’s so dang annoying.

And then the whole drama between her and Casi is too much and just childish but it’s only on her side. It’s like she wants me to ditch Casi for our friendship, and that will never happen. And the fact that she got all distant and short because of it and then tried to get me to ask about it instead of just speaking her mind really rubbed me the wrong way because it feels like just another way for her to be the center of attention. Idek.

Sure I can just be like this is too much you’re cut off. But then maybe this really is how her brain just interprets the world as insane as it seems to me. I wish she’d just go to therapy instead of putting her self conscious/bad self esteem issues on others all the time. It’s one thing if it’s something every once in a while, but every time I talk to her there’s at least three things that she either complains about someone or something making her feel bad about herself or saying she’s fat when she weighs less and is skinnier than I am. How the fuck is that supposed to make me feel?

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This situation with KD feels like my chance to redo what happened with Evan. Evan's suicide hit me so hard and I still think about it a lot. It almost feels like God is giving me a second chance to save someone from depression. Maybe He wanted me to go through those hard years so I could understand and help others in a way that I struggled to help Evan and myself.

So for context, after our phone call the two nights ago, KD texted me these morning saying something along the lines of: If I was ever free and wanted to have sex to hit him up because he missed having sex with me. This was my reply and the conversation so far. I'm just leaving this here for me to take more time to process it later.

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Last night KD said I had thrown him through a loop. He said it was because he wanted to take it slow, and wasn’t interested in me in a girlfriend sense, but I “pushed” it. I then when he tried to give me his chain I told him that he was going too fast and at that point he wanted me to be his girlfriend and he was in it.

Even though I don’t remember pushing us into a fast lane, what if I did? What does that say? When we had seen each other a couple of times, I knew he smoked weed, and I knew he drank liquor. I don’t think I knew the full extent of his consumption, but I knew it was decent.

Last night when I told KD I was basically reliving trauma, he said something about we attract our exes or something. Did I see those signs and say “yeah that’s the kind of man I want” “let me be in a tiring relationship like the last one again.” Not even that mine and KDs relationship was tiring or miserable. I honestly don’t remember much about the relationship itself. I’m just wondering if I subconsciously tried to put myself in that position again. Like maybe to see if I could fix this one or something, like see if there was a way to do it right?

And then it was like my conscious mind realized what was happening and said no. Or was it that I saw I was going in deep and did what I always do and pushed him away? Just food for thought.

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There’s so much going on. Thankfully, my one granddad is out of the hospital and looks so much better and sounds better and is walking better. But then last night my other granddad had some sort of episode with his hallucinations and he was yelling and accusing my grandma of things and knocking stuff off the table. My dad took him to the ER last night and he left against doc orders this morning but has been sleeping since then. I’m scared for my grandma. I hope it doesn’t happen again.

To add to that pain, KD called me. I don’t realize it was him at first. I forgot his voice. As soon as he said his name my heart dropped. And the more he kept talking the lower is got. He’s a full on alcoholic now. I hate how far gone he’s gotten with it. I hate that he’s blaming it on me breaking up with him. We only dated for a couple of months and I just, I want to ask how could it have affected him that much but I also understand because of Trey. I wonder if talking to Trey would give me that same understanding that I got from this conversation.

I’ve been judging KD so much because he still tries to contact me after all this time, but now I kind of see why. I wish I could’ve been more vulnerable and brave enough to explain what was happening in my head, to show my emotions more so that it wasn’t eating at him this whole time. I know I tried to and he was just stuck at the time. He thought I still loved Trey, even just thinking that makes my heart hurt.

It’s also weird that we remember things differently. KD said that I pushed him into the relationship, that he wanted to take things slow and I was pushing it. I didn’t remember that. To me it just happened naturally. I remember he came over the first night, the sex was good or good enough but it was kind of awkward socially. I think he went home pretty quick but then we started texting. And then it was like he was here almost every night and we actually had some chemistry. But he would also have weed or vodka or something and it would strike a nerve for me. It felt like I was back with Trey but only the bad part of Trey stood out and then over took the good of KD. Like it was all I could see. Trying to deal with that by myself was really hard. Like I don’t know if I told anybody about what was happening in my head, the comparisons it was making.

Then KD tried to give me his chain. We were waiting for our shakes at sonic and he handed it over for me to keep. I felt so panicked. Here I was having these thought about how they’re the same and how something bad, something earth shattering, was going to happen if I got too close, and KD is trying to give me his chain. A symbol of permanence. A symbol that I would be in a catastrophic situation on repeat forever as long as I was with him. I tried to play it off like I didn’t want to lose it or something and immediately his mood changed. I had broken his heart. I didn’t realize. He tried to play it off and said something that kind of hurt me but I don’t remember what. Then we drove back to his house in pretty much silence. After that, really before that, I had made my decision to end things. And honestly it was about me. I was already spiraling. I was in such a bad place ever since Trey really, and then I could tell it was getting worse again. But after KD I started therapy. That is why he was in my life. Not really even because of him but because of me. I needed and need to work on stuff. I still push people away when they get close. Idk why I do it. I really wish he could be sober though. I want to help him. But I’m afraid it’ll tear me down too.

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I was going home this morning when my sister called to tell me my grandad was on the way to the ER. His breathing has been bad and he’s been sick. I cried and actually prayed to God and meant it.

I was sobbing. I’m still crying. I just want everything to be okay and normal. I don’t think any of us are ready for him to go.

How could anyone be okay?

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Last night my sister called my mom and they discussed the feeling of the Christmas gatherings this year. It was nice to know I wasn’t the only one that felt or saw a difference. And that I’m not the only one that doesn’t want to engage in all that mess anymore.

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Today is Christmas and it was so much harder for me to deal with than it’s been in the past. It seems like every time it gets harder and harder. It was to the point that I really couldn’t even enjoy the day.

I remember looking forward to sitting on the couch with my granddad in the morning and pestering him as we all opened presents and helping with lunch or setting the table, or watching old westerns and hearing about shenanigans with uncle Charles.

I remember looking forward to my other Grandmas house in the afternoon because I knew we’d have some weird new board or card game to play while we drank tea and joked about my grandads hearing. And even if my little cousins were there it was still a really good time and exciting to see how they’ve changed.

I remember loving to go to my other grandmas house and getting to see my favorite uncle and play with my cousin Rainey every year and then when we got older walking around and just talking.

None of it’s the same. It feels like it’s my fault even though I know that it’s not the case. My grandaddy isn’t doing the best and we all know it’ll only get worse. And I swear everytime I try to talk to him and get a glimpse of what once was it’s almost like he ignores me or just brushes it off and I’m trying so hard to make a connection and also not treat him like he’s something super fragile and it’s just not happening. I feel like I’m just there. I’m just existing with everyone but not able to interact and that is just such a hard feeling because I want those connections so bad. And plus fucking Terry is there and it feels like I’m always waiting for him to say some out of pocket shit.

I went to my Grandma Peggy’s house and almost instantly had so much anxiety and was so overwhelmed. The girls are just as disconnected as I am and it makes it so much worse. I can’t hardly talk to my grandad because he’s nearly deaf. My grandma doesn’t do games anymore because other family members were bratty about it in the past few years. And every time she tries to do something fun it turns into a problem for the same family members. My uncles wife has a bad attitude and their kid annoys the hell out of me. I wish he didn’t but I can’t really stand to be around him, especially with presents. And it’s just so many people in a tiny space I hate it.

Then we go to my other grandmas and it’s more of the same, bratty kid and uncles wife. My uncles wife just can’t stand the family and will straight up sit in the bedroom and ignore everyone. I have zero energy and my social meter is out so I’m not much better honestly but I know I can’t just hide. I guess I’m jealous of her in that way. And then everyone else gets there. None of us actually know eachother. And I feel like no one actually wants to be there and socializing but we feel obligated to my grandma and want her to feel special when in reality she’s so stressed about hosting that she can’t enjoy it. I’m so out of it by dinner that I can’t even imagine talking to Rainey at that point and I just want to sleep and go home and I’m miserable and want to murder everyone anytime they speak to me or yell or laugh or say anything at all. But then I’m even more miserable because I can’t engage with anyone as much as I want to deep down.