pixiepond

[pixiepond]

The source of crushing self-doubt during the PhD

Am I doing the right thing at the right time?

What if I am wasting my time?

What if I am betraying my own potential?

What if I am just bad a this thing that I thought I wanted since childhood?

Why is wrong with me, that I can’t flourish like all my friends?

If there’s one thing that this experience has given me, it’s that I know I can function through the darkest periods that my mind can create. But as I type this, I am again questioning myself: what if this is just a symptom of my lack of ability? What if I am just giving myself excuses for poor performance?

I hate that I can’t truly be happy for my friends’ success. I hate being plagued with what-ifs that reach back to when I first picked up a pipette during my Master’s. I hate this constant need for external validation.

I am so confused these days, there are times I genuinely only getting that Nature/Science paper will make me confident again and make all of this worth it. That the approval of my supervisors will make me happy. All this makes me jealous and afraid of any progress my colleagues make.

One more year.

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Tigers 11, Yankees 7

1. I’d lost hope of seeing my man Gary Sanchez in the flesh since he hit the DL for the second time, and when they activated him on Saturday I thought just my luck, no chance he’s catching a day game after an evening game. Then he DH’s today. Oh my stars that alone makes me so happy despite the loss.

2. Saw another career-high Hicks homerun!

3. Saw a DP featuring brand new Yankee Hechavarria!

4. Lance Lynn was not good. Cue the Sonny Gray Experience, pinstripes edition.

5. Saw a Miggy Double!

6. Walker pinch hit for Romine. Bird pinch hit for Hechavarria. When Walker came in I was beside myself because that meant GARY WAS GONNA CATCH FOR ONE INNING AFTER ALL OH MY STARS.

7. Bird just missed that Grand Slam. Gotta feel for him. I wish that he could be the impact player the Yankees so clearly want him to be but I feel like the opportunity is running away from him at this point.

8. I GOT TO SEE GARY IN HIS CATCHERS CROUCH AND THROWING SIGNALS AND ALL THAT SHIT

9. Gary is my main man. Gary’s final at bat was so good, he battled back from 0-2 to work that walk and load the bases for Gleyber.

10. Gleyber had a 2 RBI, 2 out, bases-loaded single. Gleyber is good again.

11. Stephen Tarpley’s MLB debut probably didn’t go the way he wanted it to huh. Given the bottom of the 9th it just seems more devastating. But he has such good numbers in the minors and his ground ball rate is so high it can’t be a fluke. I am hopeful he will be good for us and psyched I got to see him pitch (and to my main man Gary Sanchez too!)

Is it really obvious that I am deliriously happy that Gary is back?

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Special indeed. The story of the season, these two are. It's been frustrating at times with the inconsistent pitching and the injuries, but boy have they brought me joy.

Gleyber Torres and Miguel Andujar. What a pair of rookies.

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So happy Miguel Andujar is a Yankee

This kid can swing a bat. Kid because he’s only 23. But his Rookie campaign is so good his name is up there with Mantle and DiMaggio, and with the string of freakish bad luck the Yankees have had, he is the one constant bit of joy that keeps every game within grasp. I am so happy to have come back to following baseball in the very year Andujar and Torres have come up.

That said there are legitimate concerns about how good Andujar’s glove can become, and with Machado on the FA market it’s hard to tell how his career will go with the Yankees. I hope they figure out a spot for him on the team because he’s more than earned it. And as a fan I desperately want to see him reach his full potential in pinstripes.

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state of the Bombers

We sorely miss Gary and Judge. Gary hasn’t been playing well all season (possibly injury related?) but it’s clear that his presence behind the plate holds runners on bases in check. Regardless of his ugly batting average his potential power also leads pitchers to be more careful around him.

Of course Judge is important. His defence, his consistent (though not so much on the road) offence, his ability to get on base, and just the level-headed presence he brings to the plate, is so important to the team. We need him back, badly. On paper the lineup looks dangerous without him, but in reality we’ve seen how the team has played like zombies for the past week.

Gleyber hasn’t been the same player since he came back; he is making fundamental mistakes in fielding, and he has lost much of his vaunted maturity at the plate. Two-homer game notwithstanding, at this point Andujar is so much more reliable. Bird has begun to produce, but not to the level that we need him to be at in Judge’s absence.

And bad luck. So much bad luck. It’s hilarious when you plot it out: Clint Frazier goes down with migraines. Billy McKinney is traded for J.A. Happ. Judge goes down with an injury and only Shane “who tf is he” Robinson is available to be called up in his place. J.A. Happ goes down with hand food and mouth disease right before the series at Fenway. You can’t make this shit up. If there’s a quota of bad luck for every season there’s no way they haven’t used it up already.

Tanaka has put the team on his back since Sevy’s struggles started. The bullpen is slowly getting back into form after a couple of devastating games (Chad Green threw a really good inning yesterday). What remains is for the offence to get their brains back in the game and actually execute their approach at the plate with precision and patience.

As much as I hate to admit it, perhaps it is time to accept that this team, with this amazing record, with this roster of young exciting players, is going to be a wild card team. The Red Sox are just having a miraculous season and the Yankees have no control over that. The play needs to improve. They need to pick up the slack so that Gary and Judge have the luxury of time to get completely healthy and back in the swing of things by mid-September.

This is a team that can still win it all, it’s just become more of a toss-up than we expected, having witnessed their May. They need to snap out of this funk right now and start playing tight, good baseball.

[pixiepond]

How good have I been at distracting myself lately?

Watches Kanjani8 concerts to get pumped up because grad school makes me sad

- Misses 1st Kanjani8 concert in hometown because, you know, grad school

Relies on Kanjani8 to have short-term things to look forward to

- Subaru leaves band

That’s okay watching the 6 of them work through this together will be a balm on my soul

- Yasu breaks his freaking back.

Follows Yankees baseball to be emotionally invested in someone else’s success

- Yankees are streaky and Red Sox are having the best season in franchise history

Finds solace and teaching moments in the game of failure that is baseball, conveniently with a team playing well above .500

- Yankees play .500 ball for a month

It’s going to be great once Gary Sanchez regains Kraken form

- Yankees lose Gary Sanchez for 3 weeks. Hustlegate. Yankees lose Gary Sanchez for 4-6 weeks.

That’s okay I still have Gleyber, the Rookies bring me so much joy

- Gleyber Torres to 10-day DL (thank goodness he’s back stay healthy please bbz)

That’s fine we’re so lucky to have Aaron Judge

- I can’t even.

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*heart breaks*

kanjam 20180708

Nishikido Ryo who doesnt even admit he is in pain at the dentist because of “japanese pride” broke down and couldnt sing his verse during LIFE; kanjani8′s last performance with Subaru.

Ive never seen him cry in real life before….. 

[pixiepond]

wait what

checked in on the Eito fandom after a couple of months and Yasu has a brain tumor + broken back or something? Like WHAT?

to think I was freaked out about Gary’s strained groin and Gleyber’s strained hip.

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El Gary

Damn that stupid excuse of a baseball stadium. I will miss my catcher so damn much. How long do groin injuries take to heal again?

Too damn long.

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Gleyber Torres

Is smooth on the field, efficient at the plate, and cute af.

Get on it people. Watch him run around the diamond for the next 4 months. It'll be fun.

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that’s my constant state at every PhD retreat

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(via GIPHY)

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for a person that doesn’t cry easily I’ve shed quite a few tears these last couple of months. for various reasons and in various different settings. I think frustration at work, anxiety about the future, and clashes with family have been taking its toll.

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JE gets into the 21th century but also not quite

Venting here.

Apparently they are releasing a GR8EST app along with the physical CDs. If I understood the official website announcement correctly, the app itself will be free but to get any content (songs, videos etc.) you will have to enter corresponding codes that you will find inside the CD booklets. (I think for the limited edition content you have to get the limited edition code?)

I mean this is just ridiculous. 70% of that album is old stuff re-released. Presumably to give the impression of doing something ever so slightly different they provide a digital version that you have to get the physical versions first to access anyway.

Um it’s called iTunes? Hell, use Tidal if you are so fussy about revenue.

This whole GR8EST thing is making me feel so uninspired, especially since it’s very possibly their only release this year. On top of that the Nanoni-san segment on Chronicle has been turned into PR for business owners. Damn. I get that it’s a complicated time with Subaru leaving and everything, but isn’t this the kind of juncture where it’s more critical than ever to come out with real, quality content?

[pixiepond]

it’s all about Gleyber

ok folks unfollow me now because I am a lost cause.

https://youtu.be/NcvijR_bL8Y?t=33

that little laugh when he turns around to ask the translator what the question meant. I could write an entire paragraph about how admirable it is that he’s trying to learn English from the perspective of an expat and blah blah blah but

NO HE’S JUST TOO CUTE GAHHHHHHHHH

and also he plays good baseball. such good baseball.

[pixiepond]

Shogun World. It’s not about cultural appropriation

I haven’t watched the episode. And I won’t because it sickens me. I did watch the BTS feature on Youtube, and that told me all I needed to know about this entire venture.

So one could probably argue that Japanese culture and heritage is in a healthier place than a lot of other non-Western cultures that are routinely “quoted” in Western entertainment, not least because there exists a thriving entertainment industry in which it is often celebrated. So my problem with Shogun world is not cultural appropriation, and yes I understand that the story dictates that Shogun world is a theme park built by white people to entertain white people.

My problem is the BTS video of how they built it.

The building of Shogun world is presented as a huge artistic effort by the Westworld crew: they built the village, stuck cherry blossoms on a fake tree, sewed kimonos. They rave about the production value and the attention to detail. They are unbearably smug about it.

But this, the sets, the kimonos, the attention to historical detail, it all exists already. They’re called Taiga dramas and 50 episodes are filmed every single year in Japan. Armies of production staff and historical experts take part in it, and most importantly, artists and artisans are involved who have preserved and protected their craft through centuries.

This is the thing. Westworld is made by HBO. Its budget is bigger than that of Game of Thrones. You can’t invite actual Japanese artists and artisans to contribute to your show? You can’t call up NHK and say “hey by the way how do you do this every year”? You frame the whole world-building thing as if this is a never-done-before, unique endeavour facilitated by visionary white people?

It’s 2018.

Get your shit together HBO.

[pixiepond]

3 things about the Yankees 003

1. I know that Twitter and Reddit are full of hot takes but seriously Boone hasn’t gone through half a season yet, the Yankees have the best record in baseball, why all the hate? Was it like this as well with Girardi?

2. The whole Clint Frazier situation makes me a bit sad. He is too good too soon and I don’t see him getting an everyday spot on the roster at this point, unless Gardy or Hicks get injured. Which nobody wants. Hicks gets loads of hate because Frazier is a fan favourite but really he has value, and Frazier is looking more and more like a trade option now....

3. https://youtu.be/Sdd5J04UmtA?t=65. This. Gleyber’s happy face when he says “it’s a handshake with Didi”. It’s contagious he’s adorable and I’m not weird.