plantsoverpeeps - Tumblr blog

[plantsoverpeeps]

I am too loyal and dedicated to people when it doesn't make sense and they don't deserve it. Not in a negative way, but just that if people don’t give me the support I’m looking for and that I give out, I may as well find someone who will.

[plantsoverpeeps]

I had a panic attack again today which is like the blaring war horn signaling my depression to lay seige on my life. The 100 year war is just never ending. I dont want to accept that this is just how it will be forever.

[plantsoverpeeps]

I need to learn how to be alone with myself but not lonely. Once I learn that, my healing journey will accelerate. 

[plantsoverpeeps]

An abandoned self-portrait. It was based on a picture from a date I really enjoyed. I think I need to invest in an actual sketchbook and become more consistent lol. Maybe I’ll look at this like its unfinished because there’s still more of me I have to develop lol

[plantsoverpeeps]

Storm’s coming

I feel a break coming and I’m so scared for when that happens. But its brewing like a storm on the horizon. Tomorrow I’ll share the feels. Tonight I should just rest.

[plantsoverpeeps]

Anxiety Attacks Suck

Having an anxiety attack. I realized I haven’t had one in a few weeks to months and honestly these are so debilitating idk how people deal with them so often. Thank god im not having daily ones.

[plantsoverpeeps]

Living proof that all adversity passes. I got through another presentation! And I realized I actually do appreciate my work. I am still not where I hope to be, but its still progress. I think moving forward I want to clean my room and my head, and focus on making sure I’m paying attention to my physical and mental health again

Here we go again

Here I am again, 6 months later still depressed and burnt out in this job. Still disappointing the people around me. Still dubbing the people who are interested in me romantically. Still procrastinating and self sabotaging. Still a weird slurry of anxious and depressed. Still not feeling fully supported because idk how to support myself. Still wondering why I’m struggling this much when everything is set up for me to thrive. But I promise I am going to change in a few weeks. Because if I dont change I don’t know how much longer I will last.

[plantsoverpeeps]

Here we go again

Here I am again, 6 months later still depressed and burnt out in this job. Still disappointing the people around me. Still dubbing the people who are interested in me romantically. Still procrastinating and self sabotaging. Still a weird slurry of anxious and depressed. Still not feeling fully supported because idk how to support myself. Still wondering why I’m struggling this much when everything is set up for me to thrive. But I promise I am going to change in a few weeks. Because if I dont change I don’t know how much longer I will last.

[plantsoverpeeps]

If “aww shit here we go again” was a person it would be me

[plantsoverpeeps]

LOLLLL I was really feeling myself in that post but not anymore. My writing feels stale, I think I need to read a bit more.

It usually takes me a long time to write because I tell myself that I’m a terrible writer. I was reviewing the first page of a story I’m writing and I was so surprised because it sounds so good to me even though I haven’t started editing yet. Im proud that I created something that impressed myself. Also once I start publishing chapters Im going to publish author’s notes where I talk about my writing process and my characters more in depth here on tumblr. Really excited to start releasing my creations to the world!

[plantsoverpeeps]

It usually takes me a long time to write because I tell myself that I’m a terrible writer. I was reviewing the first page of a story I’m writing and I was so surprised because it sounds so good to me even though I haven’t started editing yet. Im proud that I created something that impressed myself. Also once I start publishing chapters Im going to publish author’s notes where I talk about my writing process and my characters more in depth here on tumblr. Really excited to start releasing my creations to the world!

[plantsoverpeeps]

A Confession

Honestly I really suck at my job. My memory is ass. I'm not a good public speaker. I couldn’t care less about doing well in my career. I lack energy and drive. I also lack the courage to curse people out to their face. I doubt myself on a regular basis. I'm not a good driver. I am a subpar student. I am mentally unstable half the time. I break promises all the damn time. I eat like a 5 year old that only wants to eat random snacks and food combinations. I can never complete anything - projects, tasks, hobbies. I’m a bad Christian arguably. I kind of just go wherever the wind blows me, without a true plan. I have so many things to work on that at times I want nothing more than to throw in the towel and hide myself from the world. Many days I feel like a fraud and a failure.

Funnily I thought earlier today I have to thank god for waking me up everyday because I don’t deserve to. TBH I don't know where these thoughts come from. Everyday that I tackle one is a victory. They really say at the lowest moments you see God. I see him working everyday and I just pray he keeps giving me the strength to put in the work too.

[plantsoverpeeps]

I finally feel seen by this article

https://www.davidsongifted.org/search-database/entry/a10269

[plantsoverpeeps]

High key I wish I could just exist in bed. Just spend every day napping, and watching tv, and minding my business. But nooo as an adult I need to work and run errands. I really want to know what I class/training I missed that taught everyone to look forward to going to work every morning and look forward to starting new hobbies and projects. This is 80% just the depression and anxiety talking but starting new hobbies and going to work doesn't make me happy, it just makes me even more depressed. The main thing that makes me happy is laying around with few cares in the world.

[plantsoverpeeps]

Last day of February. Im at a cross roads right now in my life. I know I can’t continue on and drain myself of energy. I am making efforts to preserve my mental health and I’m really hoping and praying that it pays off in the long run. I want to get to a point in my life where I no longer fear the future, and I don’t feel crippled by the present. I’m still very much a work in progress lol. It feels great seeing how far I’ve come this past year but I just feel like I have soooo much more left to do and fix internally. 

[plantsoverpeeps]

I started my online masters about 3 weeks ago. Throughout this time I’ve kept myself very busy. I think because I’ve been so busy I haven’t had as much time to ruminate in my thoughts and get stuck in my head. In a way its been a blessing and a curse. I’ve noticed that whenever an intruding thought comes in I start freaking out, out of fear that the thoughts will lead to a depressive spiral.

I also noticed that with being busy, I have started to not care. I no longer care about trying to search for my purpose in life. I kind of just want to keep chugging along and enjoying the small moments here and there when I can. I have stopped looking far into the future and I’m just trying to look one step ahead of me.

[plantsoverpeeps]

The worse thing about anxiety is half the time I don’t know what is making me anxious or why something so simple is making me anxious.