platinum0112

[platinum0112]

#2 / 2024.10.21

I've been trying to live better life these days. I was aware that I was wasting my time by doing nothing but I didn't have any motivation for a long time. But current tragic event made me realize that I shouldn't waste my time like this. It's not much, but I've been reading, taking a walk, studying, and writing. Also, writing a diary has been really helpful, too. I just hope I'll become a better person next year. My grammar is still terrible but well, I'm writing this to improve my writing skill so maybe it will get better.

[platinum0112]

#1 / 2024.10.17.THU

I woke up and when I first opened twitter I couldn't believe what I saw at first. Because of current issues going on, I thought people were joking. But there were multiple articles and people were being shocked. I really didn't want to believe it.

I was disappointed in him because of current events, but that doesn't mean I wanted him dead. He wasn't my favorite member and I didn't follow his solo activities. But I still somewhat liked him as a 1D member. I still listened to 1D songs and whenever I watched old videos, I felt nostalgic. Because they reminded me of my school days and how much I used to enjoy being a Directioner.

I think, you can dislike him for what he had done and mourn for him at the same time. People who had never been a fan can easily say why do you mourn for abuser, or something like that. I never really felt remorse whenever I hear some celebrity passed away, too. I might have mourned a little but that usually don't last long. I forget the news after that day. Or when some bad people die, I just don't care at all. But it's different this time. I used to be a fan. I actually never experienced this kind of loss. Like, celebrity who I used to like, passing away. It just hits different. I thought I wouldn't cry but while delivering news to my dad, I couldn't help but cry a little. It didn't feel real then suddenly it was so real. Listening to One Direction songs and watching their old videos and old performances will never be the same. I will always get reminded that he passed away. I wanted him to be judged by the law for whatever he did. Not this.

I can't even imagine how other members might feel when even a mere fan who was not even following his recent activity is affected by this news.. How his family and other friends might feel. Just... Hope they are okay. It still doesn't feel real to me. It felt more real when I first read the news. I watched some MVs and now, it doesn't feel real anymore. I think I'm kind of in a denial now. Maybe, tomorrow, I will feel better.

I didn't think my first post would be something like this. I don't even know whether my grammar is correct or not. Whether the context is okay or not. Just... I hope victims don't feel any guilt. And I hope other Directioners to feel better tomorrow. You can hate what he did and mourn for him at the same time. I just hope everyone is okay.