platypusisnotonfire

[platypusisnotonfire]

please stop writing "viscous" when you mean "vicious", it produces the weirdest mental images ever

[platypusisnotonfire]

[platypusisnotonfire]

[platypusisnotonfire]

[platypusisnotonfire]

medieval lit is really fun. there will be a footnote that is like “nobody knows what the author meant there and scholars have been debating it for centuries” 

[platypusisnotonfire]

if this post gets 100,000 notes the fairy queen says she will restore me to my true form and allow me to return to the human world with the woman I love

[platypusisnotonfire]

There are so many configurations of circus and monkeys like

My circus, my monkeys: we are at the gym, this is my student and I am responsible for them

Not my circus, not my monkeys: this children are not my responsibility

My circus, not my monkeys: we are at the gym, but you are NOT in my class, go ask your coach

And the number one most embarrassing configuration is:

Not my circus, yes my monkeys: hey sorry I just addressed your child by name and said “hands to home” for pulling her sisters hair in this Starbucks, they are both my students and I’ve only ever met your husband, I look like a psycho I’m so sorry, it was reflex.

[platypusisnotonfire]

Had to ban the phrase “tricky dick” from my classroom during watergate lesson because saying the word dick in front of 30 fifteen year olds is like lighting a bomb and throwing it through the doorway but now they’re just calling him Richard the Treacherous like they’re all medieval peasants. gonna lose it

[platypusisnotonfire]

God what i wouldn't give to have the sheer stamina and work ethic of my next door neighbor. Every morning, 8am, the hammers and drills come out. he's putting up shelves. he's feeding cables through walls 6 inches from my pillow. He's putting together furniture. He's making smoothies. He's 74 years old. Does it piss me off? of course. But i have to admit that he is clearly also the superior being. I need The Substance but to turn me (anemic 20-something with the constitution of a consumptive Victorian child) into this absolute beast of a man

[platypusisnotonfire]

The Great Lakes and Saint Lawrence River superimposed on a map of Europe

[platypusisnotonfire]

[platypusisnotonfire]

From a state hearing in Texas

[platypusisnotonfire]

[platypusisnotonfire]

Amen to that little dude

[platypusisnotonfire]

just had to take the most loony toons ass route to get back into my apartment all to avoid letting my very intelligent cat outside