plobster

[plobster]

Family ties

I struggle to understand my family and the way they choose to love me.

My mother - I’m learning - is an emotional hippocrate As a child I have vivid memories of her encouraging me to not think about what others say, and instead do what I think is best. Clothing. Study. Picking friends. It was all up to me. And I remember learning to feel comfort in my decisions.

But as time passed and my decisions about life and career and identity started to change, I started to make decisions that were hard for her to accept. Like moving to another country. (But comming out as gay was never an issue…)

Currently I’m supporting my own sister to do the same: make decisions that are best for her. She wants to move out of state to a more relaxed place with better opportunities for her and her family. And my mother is having the same reaction she always does… thinking about her loss instead of an opportunity. And suddenly its just like when my sister wanted to keep her baby at 16. Or move to Hawaii to be with her husband/ keep the family together. Or change careers. Or rent a house 25 min outside of town.

My mother’s not so inner dialogue…“That’s not what I would do. I’m hurt you made a decision without consulting me. If you would have asked me, I would have tried to convince you not to do that. Now I can’t deal with your decision cuz it hurts my feelings. And youre taking something away from me”

This is what happened when I moved overseas -8 years ago- “It’s too far for us to travel. We dont want to upgrade our phone technology to make communication easier. We want to keep in touch but you’re in a different time zone and thats too hard. Its your job to visit the whole family - its just you. You dont have the same holidays… it too hard to organize things with you. You can come on our holiday to celebrate us turning 60, but try not to upset anybody by talking about leaving home or your new life without us.”

During said vacation (and distinctively 2 other times since) my mother has confided in me that she is scared that her Diabetes is going to take her eye sight and this is why long distance travelling is too much for her. And that she’s depressed about life after 40 years of working and finding purpose in retirement. I had to remind her that therapists and councellors are really good for helping people to gain understanding about these things and strongly encouraged her to find a professional to talk with. She laughed and said that she doesnt believe in psychology - note I work as a qualified mental health social worker. Then I talked to Dad to help him encourage her to seek support and his response was “She wont do that. It’s just the way it is” ●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●● My “other” sister told me a few years ago: “…. Yes, you being in Australia does factor into non-communication. Sending me a message in the middle of the night or during work hours probably means I won’t respond very quickly. Also, I don’t know when you are available and I rarely have any free time, so answering back may take a bit of time. Additionally, I have a hard enough time keeping in communication with people who live in the same city as me, let alone someone halfway around the world. I’m not upset that you are living in Australia. I am happy that you have found a place that you want to live and that you are happy there. I don’t think that you and I have chatted any less than what we have in the past. You may be my sister, but I don’t think we have ever been good buddies. Conversations and good friendships take time, effort, and respect….. Yes, I admit that I don’t reach out as much as I should but I have been trying to work on that. I’ve also been trying to work on keeping people who actually care about me close and be a better person/friend to those people and removing drama/stress and people who don’t from my life. Additionally, I don’t feel that it is my job or anyone else’s job to make you feel not lonely… So, if you want to actually become a better friend with me- great, but demanding it won’t get you there.” My response: “Im not going to appoligize for asking to be included in my own family. I don’t feel lonely, I love my life and have wonderful people in Au. I’m getting permenent residency in a few months, which has really emphaizied the lack of communication and inclusion with the family. I plan to stay here and the past is an indication of that will happen int he future. I dont want to be that person that is forgotten about because of everybody thinking it’s too hard to stay in touch. Everybody is busy all the time. Not a good enough excuse. You made time to drive down to visit family for holidays. Cleary family is important to you, but only if they are in the states? The point of using a message service is avoid the time difference. You can read and respond in your own time. My day will always be your night. How hard is it to read the message and say “I hear you and will think of a better answer later…” At least I’m not feeling ignored. In fact, I’m at work right now and yet I still have the time to respond to your message. It’s polite. I could spend more time refuting the excuses in your relpy, but that wouldn’t be very productive. Nor will it change how you feel. I suppose the real question I was asking in all of this is.. Do you care enough to make an effort? I have my answer. I wish you all the best.“ So that was the last meaningful conversation we had… in early 2015. It sorta stands on its own. These are my immediate family.

[plobster]

Jan 11... again

Flight #2 - trans pacific I sat next to a couple from UK living in Melbourne that also had a stopover in Brissy. They too were heading to Florida to embark on a Carribbean cruise. Small world. I landed in rainy LA. 13 hours later...on the same day 6 hour layover. Let's get some sleep.

[plobster]

Welp. This is it. I'm headed stateside for a jam packed, whirlwind cross country adventure with stops in Florida, Carribean, Wisconsin and Boston. Lay overs in Brisbane, LA and the new experience of showering and sleeing in the Chicago airport. Total flights = 9. Days away = 24. Wish me luck. The game is on!

[plobster]

My muse

Visited last night. This was not the first time that she had come to giude me on my path.

She was there during a particularly hard conversation with my mom when I was desperate to understand my desire to find where I belong. She encouraged me to think about how I got to the place I am and why I was so incredibly unhappy. Then the words came about my moment with the brigde. Mom did not understsnd it yet but I did. I smiled when I thought about how simple her influence seemed. In a slient moment of clarity.

Muse asked me again to think of my resistance to the normative culture and I felt my nomadic instinct being cemented to the ground. And the decision was simple; no children.

This time Muse set up her makeshift camp in my parents forest, illuminated enough to see every motion from the balcony window. I watched when she arranged her scattered pots of planted foliage. And sat in a regal wooden chair paired with a faded hand stitched cushion. There was an inviting bed low to the ground. Above, a dense canopy of flickering lamp light. Muse urged me to wait until she finished, as if she wished for the process to be memorized.

I was drawn to her side. She asked me if I could please hold her hands, right when I became desperate for touch. Trading affection was effortless and I understood my reluctance to see her face. Her intensity was experienced instead.

I woke from the dream and remembered the passion from seconds before. It was real. And I felt encapsulated. Full of twinkling energy.

[plobster]

New bed

Last night I built my bed. IKEA you beautiful bastard. My french neighbor supplied the power drill and the mansplainig. 5 hours later. Plus 1 sleep. Inauguration is on Tuesday.

[plobster]

A week ago...

… last night I met Kelly. She’s British and has 3 first names. She and I broke my bed in a fit of drunk.

Last night she came over again. We fell into easy conversation and played games with our respective accents. She says I don’t remind her of a typical American.

She challenged my thoughts about my self imposed singledom. And stood toe to toe against my self depricatipn. And didn't let me get away with avoiding her questions. She made me consider my words. I enjoyed it immensely.

In the morning, I made her a cup of mediocre instant coffee and she polietly drank most of it before leaving for work.

[plobster]

Last night was the first time it was cold enough to wear a hat to bed. It was a beautiful hand knitted hat that was more like a tube sock for my head.

Added bonus: kitty couldn’t use my dreads and toys while I am conviently unconscious.

This is the grin of being smarter than my cat.

[plobster]

Wing madam

Last night I had an dinner with a friend who I have recently reconnected with. She and I talked like we went through the wars together. Relationship wars. We drank cheap red wine ate moderatly decent Italian and explored thoughts of monogamy, self expression and independence. 4 hours later I had a wing ma'am. 🍷💔👓💄👟🙌🎶

[plobster]

Last night was kittens first thunder and lighting storm. I heard the first cracklings and instinctually woke up to find the little fuzzy. Just as I woke her up from her perch on the window, there was a flash. I held her tight and braced for the claws that were about to scratch. And they did. Right down my bare cleavage. She scurried away to the bathroom, which is not her usual hiding spot between the cinder block shelves that is her happy place. I followed her, to find that she was in the litter box. Waiting. Sniffing. Stratching. Re sniffing. Then another huge crack of lightning. She bunny hopped up and landed directly onto her own pile of poo while simultaneously squirting a little more out the back end. It literally scared the shit out of her. Anyway. Then we had her first forced wash in the sink to clean her paws and a towel dry before crawling back into bed for a few more hours sleep. This morning she appoligized by licking my face. She loves.