pndingnme

[pndingnme]

A Little Bit Of Rest

by Frost Llamzon

[pndingnme]

helloooooo im using this blog as a way to voice my thoughts and stuff mkstly because i kinda hope it wont be seen. if somebody is reading this thi have fun being nosy :3.

I'm pretty sure my last post was me bemoaning being alive or whatever, I'm doing better now i think but it's hard.

I'm tempted to just start whinging again but too much of that can only do so much.

ive been job hunting for a while now and it sucks but ive got a roof over my head which is more than most so yeah.

I had been helping out a friend with bills recently (for like maybe a month or two? unsure) but ive stopped doing that now cuz if some personal stuff. Idk i hope he's going to be all right.

It seems childish to write this down but i made some new friends recently, as usual with me i started (mutually) flirting fairly soon so its pretty fun; tho i have been worrying a lot about how people view me and if im bothering them or not. It helps to remind myself that if i truly was they'd fuck off or we wouldn't be that good of a friend anyway.

Despite this I'm still alive tho I'm still stuck with a near ever-present feeling of loneliness that i think I'm just gonna have to live with. I don't know if ive always felt this way but im 19 now and it feels like ive had it for most of my life at this point. it sounds silly to say since im still pretty young, but this is my blog fuck you.

Earlier i mentioned getting into a fight with a friend (sort of) he said something silly like id do a good wheatley impression or some bollocks and it just absolutely broke my dysphoria and i just sobbed for an hour. God i hate that i fid that but it happened, I'm still gonna try and suppirt my friend with what i can but after the next two months i just can't.

at the end of the day i just wish i could be with my friends more and help them out with life and stuff ig.

i am getting better tho, im learning how to play vtm so i can play with some friends and yeah. theres also a dnd game with my warhammer friends coming up soon

i think im happy to be alive, or at least i want to be.

byyyyyyyyeeeeeee.

[pndingnme]

don’t give up guys Bernie can still win this

[pndingnme]

🩸🩸🩸

bloodlines CAS background by @losieee

[pndingnme]

this is more of a collection of thoughts i guess so dont read if you dont wanna.

Very recently I've come to a conclusion, i just don't think I'm meant to be alive.

i imagine this would probably be labelled as being suicidal or my depression's come back for a shitty sequel but i know things have been absolutely awful in the past and its just such a different feeling compared to then and as it stands i just dont think i should be.

Like I'm actively happy i'm trying to be a better person even if only a little a day y'know and idk.

I'm out of work and it's alright, i'm not in any immediate financial danger, my parents are supportive and encouraging me to find the right thing. I managed to get myself two college degrees and im happy with that and its still just why.

Apologies to anybody reading this but this is as close as im gonna let myself to having a proper whinge about the issue so tough luck i guess, if anyone does read it.

its judt really fucking weird i feel like im breaking a bunch of moral laws just by living the way i am and by not accomplishing enough and its just iaifiibifiskrkibisiekigibiidiwofo

the best i can describe is just weird, overall i think inam quantifiably better than i was, i did cut myself twice but ups and downs i guess.

side note because this really is just written vomit in a tumblr post my grammar fucking sucks here and i also have a really posh reading voice in my head for this and i think it might he helping me write this.

idk it sucks arse because i still just dont have any fucking motivation to do anything, doesnt matter what it is ir how happy it would make me doing it its just blegh

maybe i just have a really skewed image of this because of how violent my depression was and much more overtly(?) suicidal i used to be.

maybe its now that im in this new environment so to speak its still just the same problem but things are dialed down more and its hard to tecognise it because of such a large contrast.

idk but i think thats gonna be it for now, for writing anyway

[pndingnme]

[pndingnme]

[pndingnme]

This reference is almost a year old, but I still like it, as well as the character herself Glare-on-the-Water, lupus ragabash Shadowlord

[pndingnme]

don’t give up guys Bernie can still win this

[pndingnme]

Big D the man that you are

[pndingnme]

A few silly skinks I forgot to post from earlier

[pndingnme]

Art by • Adrian Smith

[pndingnme]

People wonder why i draw so much Thousand sons art if i always say that i prefer Emperor's Children over all other legions...

Well, that's an answer--

[pndingnme]

"Sin Eaters"

Finally finished this epic piece for my homebrewed space marine chapter of warrior-women, the Sin Eaters! I was shooting for that classic Codex vibe, while sticking in a few of those old Rogue Trader-esque elements that I always love. Maybe I'll mock up some kind of faux-codex cover with some graphics later down the road.

Commissions open! You can also support my Patreon to see this and more in their full resolution: https://www.patreon.com/rylanwoodrow

[pndingnme]

Warhammer | Cosplayer: @jacobmakes_

[pndingnme]

B5 or C5 for Corvus Corax, please....? :3

Kinda looks like Joan Jett in pastels.

[pndingnme]

In an effort to being more comfortable using my blog as a blog, I will now share my thoughts on the 2011 Space Marine game since I recently bought it for dirt cheap and played through the campaign (no spoilers ahead don't worry.) And I will also probably be twelve years late to Space Marine 2.

So... Leandros. I had never played the game before, I didn't experience the story first-hand. I've seen others play it, y'know, but I never really paid that much attention to the story, more so the reactions of whoever was playing it. I heard from people in the Warhammer community that he was this stuck up that kept spouting on about the Codex Astartes. But playing through the game myself, I'm kind of curious to see why people are so vitriolic towards Leandros.

I mean, yeah. He is a stick in the mud with his nose buried in the Codex Astartes, but he also seems the youngest and newest of the main trio. Sidonus is the grizzled and gritty veteran, Titus is the heroic and determined leader, and Leandros is... young. Naive. He constantly leans on the Codex Astartes as a guidebook for how to act and how to handle situations. Both Titus and Sidonus have service studs and embellishments on their armor, but Leandros is (both figuratively and literally) fresh-faced and lacking in these embellishments. Would it be that unbelievable that he, as a Space Marine who doesn't even have a decade of service under his belt, would stick to the teachings of the Codex Astartes so heavily?

Titus and Sidonus can wave his reliance on it away, but they're experienced. It's common for people who know how things work to grossly overestimate how much others know, even if they are making an effort to underestimate. But he's probably seeing Chaos first hand for the very first time in his life. He has no fucking experience with that sort of thing, so he does what anyone with no experience does; he looks for an explanation of what to do. And the Codex gives him that.

Now, what purpose does this long rambling preamble serve other than defending Leandros and possibly pissing off the Leandros Haters? Well, it segues into my opinion. A terrifying prospect. In my opinion, for Space Marine 2, I'd like to see Leandros again but in a position of command. We see Titus has a few more service studs on him, and given people speculating his time in the Deathwatch, he could have been serving for longer than that. Leandros would have had the time to get that experience he was lacking, to see that the Codex Astartes holds wisdom; but that wisdom is to be applied with experience. He understands what Titus was trying to tell him in the first game, and now he has this sort of experience that makes him more mature and less reliant on what the Codex says.

I personally would hope to see him as a Captain, technically in charge, but giving deference to Titus's experience and wisdom. Where he himself is dealing with newer Ultramarines and seeing himself reflected in the newer faces. Hell, I'd even take him being a Sergeant and possibly serving alongside Titus in the second game. But, y'know, this is all wishful thinking anyway. Point is, I think people give Leandros too much shit.