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*people*

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Unlike anything I've ever experienced 🙃 🥰

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Romantic & platonic love ❤️

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Another out of my comfort zone moment recently with my Gemini.

She got me to go to an ACA meeting with her. But get this – my brain and body actually let me participate! I didn't just talk, I even read aloud!

When closing the meeting with the ACA promise I realized this is 90% my current therapy goals. I was in complete shock hearing these read aloud almost as if read out of my own journal at home.

I didn't even know this was a thing!

And the ability to go, people, participate, and engage was all factors of this new medication. The work I have been doing is half of it w/o a doubt. But the ability to function in ways like I have the last 2 months due to actually sleeping and being able to move past anxiety and live.... I might have to go to war with mental health to prove this medication is life changing for me but this quality of life is worth the fight.

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My first time, ever, going to Pride in my city.

I went with my bestie and my Gemini

We enjoyed the information and services that we learned about and have some programs we are going to check out.

Before this new med... I wouldn't have been able to do this. Too big to many people too much going on. My anxiety would have talked be out of it. Let alone the spoons (energy) to do it AFTER my son's swim meet !

I've done a few completely out of my comfort zone things recently and enjoyed them immensely. And yet here is one more event, with anxiety, I was able to do.

I had so much fun in the moment with them. And the energy, vibe, weather and music.. everything was just great.

There was a man working a booth

and his shirt said "free dad hugs".

We had seen the mom hugs but it didn't resonate with us. Bestie didn't want to because she knew she'd cry. And I decided I was going to do this! Again way way out of my normal comfort zone.. I walk up to a stranger and ask if I could have a dad hug. This man jumped up, excited that I asked, walked over and hugged me in a way that blew my mind. He softly said to me in my ear while hugging me tightly "I'm so proud of you and everything you continue to do." Right there in that moment, I broke down. Bestie could tell by the way my shoulders dropped that I was sobbing. And he didn't let go until I did. She was immediately crying watching and decided she too needed one. Quickly followed by my Gemini. While he hugged Gemini bestie pulled me in for a hug. We stood in the street at Pride crying for a minute. I don't think any of us expected that to be quite as healing, and impactful as it was. The vulnerability in that moment, magnified with such appreciation, highlights the importance of the community and connection that Pride celebrates.

I'm so happy to have a medication currently that helps me enjoy life, experience life, and live life in such new ways. And I am fighting like hell to keep it, or be put on something similar. That's why my primary care has ordered ADHD testing.

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So much to share and catch up on.

This week has been one for the books.

Redgrasshopper had an event in the Bay Area this weekend, accommodations went sideways.

So instead of Thursday-Saturday, he was just gonna day trip it Friday and very possibly skip Saturday. And Thursday was going to crash at my house putting him an hour closer to his plans friday morning..

Well, my uncle lives down there and I asked.. If we could crash there.. Everything else worked out ridiculously smooth, hubby said he'd handle the swim meet with kiddo Saturday, and bestie's hubby took my kiddo to a late start Friday.

3 phone calls, a packed bag, and plans were set.

So dinner and game night Thursday here since his original travel plans had us not have our normal Wednesday dinner.

Friday morning left for Bay Area, redgrasshopper dropped me and our stuff off with my uncle. And uncle & i did our own thing.

Uncle and I went to Salesforce park had lunch and back to his place. I enjoyed the sunshine and cooler temps on the balcony.

Redgrasshopper was done around dinner time so we went to Japanese food. On the way back to the apartment we passed City Hall which was lit up for Pride month. We snuggled in for the night on the air bed, talking and giggling as we do. Especially after my meds kick in.

Saturday morning uncle made breakfast, redgrasshopper went to his event, I watched live time feeds for the swim meet from Uncle's place, drinking coffee and chilling in PJs.

About 1p redgrasshopper got back and we loaded up, decided to enjoy a few tourist-y things. I shared some of my favorite views in the city late lunch at a place we'd never been but was delicious!

The drive back was smooth, took highway 37, stopped at a vista point because a lone poke-gym, lizards scared the fuck out of me. It was funny seeing me relaxed and off my normal bad ass mode, I screamed like a cartoon mom who had just seen a mouse. But otherwise, it was smooth, drove back, singing and talking and just being US

I didn't think traveling with redgrasshopper would be something we get to do, but honestly, this trip was full of memories and moments I will keep and hold closely 🥰

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I had to type the lyrics out, couldn't find them online. But this song is a whole vibe, for me. It's made me think a lot about 2022, that whole mess I was going through, and how things had to fall apart for me to be where I am today.

🎼Like in the bright blue lights,

I wandered blind.

Lost in echoes of my own mind

Every beat just felt like noise

Until I listened to my inner voice.

I didn't find you, until I found me

Unlocked the cage

and set myself free.

In the rhythm of my heart, I see

That loving you began with loving me

Mirrors cracked and shadows danced

Through the chaos I took a chance

Every step was like a fall

But I rose up,

I broke that wall

I didn't find you, until I found me

Unlocked the cage and set myself free.

In the rhythm of my heart, I see

That loving you began with loving me

Shattered dreams can pave new ways

Stars aline in the darkest days

No more searching endlessly

I found myself, then found We

I didn't find you, until I found me

Unlocked the cage and set myself free.

In the rhythm of my heart,

I see

That loving you

began with loving me

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And forever grateful for the impacts he makes on my life & my people 🥰

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The new med I started happens to also a stimulant not the reason i was put on it...and this has uncovered a LOT of things my therapist says are ADD. My C-PTSD and high functioning were likely OVER functioning and it likely masked the fact I have ADD/ADHD. Women are highly missed in diagnosing.

I have felt disconnected from the need to be mentally on and doing. Something i have never been able to shut off till now.... but the disconnected isnt a detachment or a turtle shelling of depression. It doesn't feel like depression withdrawal. Is showing calm and rest on my garmin which i never get when awake.

While talk it out, redgrasshopper said

maybe the med has allowed you to feel calmness your unfamiliar with and you know bestie, cuz and I will call, You are not raising hubby anymore, and kiddo self sufficient, so texts can wait now, and your enjoying peace and quiet in your body and mind for probably the first time in your life.

It's been a fucking trip the last month!

having lower HR,

no more high BP,

sleeping better (best I have my whole life)

calmer

less jaw clenched all day

less itching from skin crawling feeling....

From a stimulant! I talk to the dr Monday how the last 30 days have been and I dont think he's expecting to hear this.