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[poignantsinlife]

You’re better off without me

Today I went to the place we used to study together. I was very hesitant, yet I miss you so much that I want to relive the past. As I walked past places while the library closes, I was reminded of the spots we studied together and laughed together, sneaking kisses behind book shelves, going into lifts to just get big hugs while on the way to the next floor only... Head pats and leaning on each other when studying got boring. How I miss these moments we have together, they were so precious I could never forget about that. Planting memories wherever we went...

Wherever I go, I wonder if you were here before. Could I have seen you if I came here 5 minutes ago? Could we have cross paths but never seen each other? Could I ever bump into you coincidentally? Could I ever walk the same road alongside with you again?

I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you or not. Maybe not, since from the start to the end you felt I was trapping you. Maybe now you could finally breathe and be happy. Maybe this is what people meant by ‘You’re better off without me’. I’ve never believed that phrase until I tasted it myself. 

I’m selfish to even think that I wish you won’t be happy without me. I’m trying so hard not to think that way, to only think that you’re better off without me, you suffered with me. Maybe it’s me you need protection from.

[poignantsinlife]

My prayers for you

Here are words I’ll never get the chance to say to you.

Happy New Year! I hope you are doing well, praying over your 2019 that it will continuously be blessed by God, that you may enter a university of your choice. Praying over your 2019 that you may meet more people who you can build a community in Christ with, friends who would stay by your side and support you the way you want them to. Declaring a happy and peaceful year ahead of you, less heartbreaks, more smiles, more happiness. Declaring that with every obstacle you face in 2019, God will deliver you from it and teach you how to do life. Happy New Year, and I miss you very much.

[poignantsinlife]

special

After spending 19 years of my life, I realised that the only thing I want to be doing on my birthday is spending it with that someone who is special to me. I just want to stay at home and binge watch shows if I don’t get out and have birthday meal with that someone.

But it doesn’t matter. 

[poignantsinlife]

More to life than just mundanity

There’s more to life than just wounding up in bed and lying in your pool of sorrows. Get in touch with nature, with your family around, and with your walk with God. There’s so, so, so, much more than life, if you could just lift your heads up and know that there are better things in life to enjoy.

[poignantsinlife]

How long

2 months into not seeing you and not talking to you. But not one day has passed without you crossing into my mind every minute. I tell myself I can live without you, I can, and I will. But 2 months into this situation, not one day I felt that I can see my future without you. It’s hard to see my future without you. 

I don’t know how long am I going to be hung up on you. That false sense of positivity, not knowing if I can ever love again, doubting every guy on the planet, whether can any guy exceed what you have given me; all these drown me everyday, the constant drilling of ‘what ifs’ and ‘can i’. As much as I know we can never be together, I hope somewhere down the road, I can still be friends with you. Just friends, friends that don’t talk everyday. Just friends you wave to and walk past them. To me that’s enough already, if I can just see you from afar.

[poignantsinlife]

Getting over you will be the hardest thing I ever have to do.

[poignantsinlife]

List me

It’s a lot of thinking over the month, not talking to you at all. So much things in my mind i have to say to you but they are not meant to be heard anymore.

So i’m just going to say this to you if i ever got the chance to talk to you. 

I’m not perfect and you’re making me the perfect person you want me to be within a short period of time. There are so many reasons why you wouldn’t be with me. You have a list of things you didn’t like about me and wouldn’t want to be with me for those things. But the difference between me and you is that, i’d never make a list of the things i don’t like about you. There will not be a list at all. There wasn’t a list in the first place.

[poignantsinlife]

Bye

Talk to you last night and I ended things. All those times when I said I love you to you, I meant it with all my heart, but you don’t. It was in the heat of the moment for you, a phrase as a temporary fix or escape, you never meant it.

I couldn’t change how you see things, neither could you change how I see things, you think my thoughts on love is messed up. I cannot love someone who can let me go because I cannot tick off any check boxes on your list of expectations for me.

Nevertheless, after all you’ve put me through, I never thought once that you were a bad guy, instead I thought you were going to be a very good boyfriend if the right girl comes along.

I hope the best for you. Goodbye.

[poignantsinlife]

A love based on expectations

13 August 2018

A few weeks back while you were still in Malaysia, you told me that you hope you can see me more when you come back to Singapore. I get it, some things are out of your control and you can’t see me sometimes. I get that.

It’s not about whether you can make it or not, but whether you have put in the effort to even meet me when you are free. Or less, to just text me and let me know you’re fine. But really, you didn’t even have the courtesy to message me when you’re back home, before you go to bed, in the morning when you seen my message. So much for saying that you think about me all the time, day and night you just think about it. Really? Because as far as i’m concerned, you’re not haha. I get it. You just came back, and I want you to have time to yourself, and plus I’m probably not the person you want to deal with everyday, besides i’m not your girlfriend. I just thought maybe I should distance myself away from you for now, if space is what you need.

But to begin with, I guess I was never the girl for you to date anyways. You’d only message me, tell me sweet words at only times when you miss me. You don’t really reply to my sweet words unless you miss me too. But the difference between you and me, is that I can shower you with love day and night and not get tired of it. I don’t have to miss you to tell you sweet words. But like I said before to myself, your love comes with a condition. They only pop by once in awhile to tell me sweet things and bluff me into believing that you truly cared about not hurting my feelings. Then a few days later, i’d blame myself for believing your words, because they only come with a mood that cannot be trusted. Maybe the love you have for the girl who’s for you isn’t a mood at all, maybe that love was unconditional love. 

Do you see that? Your love for me feels like a mood itself. It swings.

How am I suppose to believe any words you say again? I’ll tell you how, a person who overthinks, overloves as well. Time and time again i just tell myself, “Don’t be a fool, Rena. He’s just feeling it. By the time he’s done with it, you’re going to suffer if you actually believed his words”. Sometimes I wonder how i pull throughout the year with your words. I know i’m expecting too much from you, you’re not my boyfriend but yet i thought at least i deserve the least rights. But I don’t. I’m sorry to have expected things from you, I shouldn’t have. But these are not what I am going to tell you, so suck it up Rena. These feelings weren’t even supposed to be there in the first place. 

I don’t know about you, but why do I feel like our relationship’s built on expectations, and not giving? I suck my expectations up because they are unreasonable. And for the 1000th time i’ve said, I’m tired. I thought I could do it you know? To suck it up, stop expecting, and keep giving my all to you. Because I love you, and all I can ever think about is giving you, keep giving and keep loving you. I may feel all these and expect sometimes, but I don’t care. I don’t care about my feelings, and all I ever wanted to do was to keep giving you although it hurts. But you’re so focused on getting something out of me, a matured woman, a sporty girl, a bright girl, a fit girl. I can never be those as much as I try. But Nick, why couldn’t you for once, start giving and stop expecting and stop changing? 

Please tell me you at least tried. Because one day when i finally break, I’m going to walk off and that day will be the day I stop chasing after you. It will be the day you start giving and stop expecting. 

A year ago at this very day, I said and posted, that you were my right path I wanted to go.

Truth to be told, I want to end this vicious path. I could live without you, really. I’ll probably be much worry free than ever, but I don’t think I want a life without you. That sucks Rena, this reason was what brought you into this mess in the first place.

[poignantsinlife]

If you can’t handle me at my worst, you won’t deserve me

I just felt like putting my thoughts down today. 

You came back Singapore already and I met you yesterday after school. You came back to school and met up with your mentors, so I met you at the school bus stop so we could have dinner together. You know, I wished I could have met you somewhere in school where we would see people we know, but yet instead of hiding away, I was able to run to you and hug you. But i know that that’s never going to happen.

After yesterday night ended, I had a little self reflection on the way back home and just one thing I realised about my feelings during the whole time I was with you. I could really be myself, laugh at stupid things again, say comments that maybe you thought will be stupid, says things freely that maybe you will hate hearing it from me or say the things I do that you don’t like me doing.

Just because I reasoned things with myself. If you can’t love me the way I am, what is really the point? I realised that all those times I was out with you, I found it hard to actually be myself, to tell you things that you will not like to hear or whatsoever. But now that I reasoned things out with myself, being myself around you seems easier.

Maybe the less you care about how others feel towards you, the more you will show yourself to others. This morning as I look back to our conversation last night, I just thought of how good it was when I put aside your judgmental character, and just be myself. I thought of how you can only have one thing and you can’t have both.

You cannot have had me and not love me for who i am at the same time. You only can love and have me for who I am. So if you cannot love me for who i am, maybe you should find yourself another girl who you will love more dearly. 

But this is not I will tell you. Maybe one day if you tell me who still can’t love me for who I am, then I will tell you that you cannot have me. Because, you don’t deserve my best if you can’t handle me at my worst.

[poignantsinlife]

Waiting for...

You just got to decide, do you love my traits more than you dislike my traits?

If you don’t, then what have I been waiting for this entire time?

[poignantsinlife]

All does not add up

You can tell me you love me, that you love me so much. But none of it matters if eventually I still feel the need to change myself. 

I’ll never know when the day will come again that you tell me indirectly that i’m not good enough for you, that you don’t like me for who I am. There is not one day I know you love me, but there’s not one day I feel like i’m not good enough for you, i’m not worthy of you, I’m not the person you want me to be. There’s not one day I feel comfortable doing the things I do because I never know whether you were ever happy of the way I am. 

You could tell me to give you some time to accept me for who I am, but honestly though, if you need time to love me for who I am, what’s really the point?

I’d love to make you a card or something, writing all the reasons that I love you to bits. I really love you, but writing them down does seem ideal because I realised that I was squeezing out your characteristics that I love. None of those that I squeeze was a quality I love, you aren’t kind and caring as I thought you were a year before, you weren’t very considerate to people, and you weren’t as selfless you thought you are. Most importantly, you don’t show the love of God to me. Yet after all these, my heart and my mind still cries out for you for idk what reason.

This just all boils down to one thing. Do you really need a reason to love someone? Is love based on feelings?

But I would never blame you for all these because I’m lucky enough to have gone this far with you, and I wouldn’t have switched with any other guy because they would be easier to handle than you. Just because I love you so much, I could never fully convince myself to let this relationship go and never look back.

[poignantsinlife]

love until it hurts

I didn’t know I could love you this much :’( 

Our relationship reflects my mum’s and stepdad’s relationship, he claims he still loves her but he found another girl who has the same interest as him, so he fell in love with that woman and just left my mum alone to suffer.

I don’t want to turn up like my mother, I want someone who can love me even though we don’t share the same interest. As much as I say i’m not good enough for you, that I need to let you go once and for all, I can never pluck up the courage to say to you that i’m letting you go, I can never pluck up the courage to actually from the bottom of my heart, let you go. Just because I love you so much.

I met you yesterday, and it was a very good day. Very very good day, which can make me happy for the next few days but i know this pattern. I’ll get a very good day with you where you showered your love on me, but the next following days, it will all die down and I don’t feel loved anymore. I’ll get sad, heavy-hearted, and blame myself for everything again. This cycle is never ending. This time even though we both have a very good day yesterday, I won’t get my hopes high this time, because expectations are what it takes to just break me. This time, I won’t get my hopes high, just because i’m used to this treatment already.

[poignantsinlife]

My worst fear.

The reason why I said I wanted to put God in the center of our relationship is because I want to love you the way God loves me, unconditional love. I know His love for me is never changing, He loves me just the way I am. I know that, so I hope I could love you the way God will love you too.

Then you tell me you cannot, without a doubt, love me for who I am. I am a boring person, a person who potato around at home and not exercise, who perspire only when the weather is hot and don’t wake up early in the morning for a productive day ahead. 

I am not your type and last night I thought to myself, I am going to change, bring my mum out of breakfast every Saturday if I would, wake up early every morning, exercise regularly or maybe just three times a week. I am going to change, just so I would be the person of your ideal type, just so I would be able to gain your unconditional love. I’ll try, but yet I hope even as I try and fail, you’d still love me the same.

But it’s stupid, cause I am changing the way I work, laze around and potato around it what I like to do, using phone and scrolling for 2 hours it’s what I do to take my mind off you. Well you, you resort to exercise to take your mind off many things, I’m just different from you. So why can’t you just love me the way I am? You can’t. You said you just couldn’t. “Usually this is the case, love conquers all and all and I’ll love you just the way you are, but I just couldn’t, I can’t.” You can’t love me the way I am. To me, it’s the same as, I don’t love you.

This morning as I woke up early, I tried really hard not to fall back to sleep. I got up and got change and went for a jog at 10am. As much as I try to convince myself that I’m not doing this just so you can accept the way I am, I can’t convince myself of that. I’ll tell myself, do it for yourself. Be more healthier so you don’t have to make monthly trips to the doctor because you have weak immune system and can’t fight off a virus on your own without a medicine. Be more healthier so you can save money on those doctor trips which may turn out to be a waste of money. Wake up earlier so you can bring your mother out for breakfast every Saturday when you can. Exercise because it’s healthy. Change for the better because if there’s any other guy who comes into my life, he will see a fit and sporty girl, not a unfit and a potato girl.

But really who am I doing this for? As of right now, as much as I try to convince myself that I am doing it for myself, I am really not, I am just doing this just so I can receive your unconditional love, your true love. How stupid is that?

[poignantsinlife]

Life built on hope

She can ask for a million advice 

But she stands strong in her own voice

She will lose herself in the midst of thinking

But she will be fine as she looks up at the starry night sky

That’s all she ever need to see

Stars constellations and shining stars;

Small stars and;

A glimpse of hope

It keeps her going, 

      and going;

      and going;

      and going;

And as long as her heart is refilled and refilled with hope

She will be fine

[poignantsinlife]

Mood and minds

The days when you are lovey and dovey to me are the days that I thought to myself, “If I want to be with this guy for the rest of my life, I need to show him who I really am”.

The days when you hesitate to talk to me, are the days that I thought to myself, “You’re stress, so you’ll reply me with stress. But i am one of the problems in your life, I should push you away so you have one less problem to deal with.”

Where should I ought to go to?

[poignantsinlife]

Be true to yourself.

There are so many things in my mind right now, and I don’t know where to start if I were to see and talk to you.

A few days back you told me that you find it hard to “like” me even further. Firstly, don’t. Don’t try to force yourself to love me because I will be the same kind of person talking to you and if you’re just looking at me and not realising anything else, it’s not going to work, you know it. Don’t try to find way to like me even further cause really that’s what I have always been in your eyes right? You always been trying to find reason to love me more, but ever since you told me I broke your trust, you’ve been doing it more often than you ever had.

Remember those time when you told me you didn’t like how i am not mature, how you didn’t like that I am vain or what not. Since then you’ve always try to find reasons to like me further, didn’t you? 

The thing is, I know you love me, or should I say, loved? But love isn’t that simple, you go through things and you’ll slowly understand how love is going to be. You don’t need to have a reason to love someone. One day if someone ask you why you love me? What will your reason be? I’ll tell you my reason. I’ll say I don’t know. Because if you were to have a reason to love someone, you’ll bound to fall out of love if that reason’s no longer applicable. Sure if someone asks me why I LIKE you, I will surely have a reason for that. But you don’t need to have a reason to love someone, you just do.

You told me before that the things I do are a turn off. The fact that I got angry and cried and made a drama in China turned you off really bad and you even accused me of having feelings for the guy I cried for haha when for an actual fact I have a care for people too fucking much. It’s really fine if you tell me that I need to keep my words and bring my parents out for lunch or anything, it’s fine if you tell me things that really angers you that i’m this kind of person and I noticed a wrong in my own actions. It’s really fine if you tell me I need to change on that, i understand that..

When you told me that you found it hard to “like” me even further, you’re telling me that I need to live up to your expectations for you to like me even further. You’re telling me that I’ve changed and i’m not the same person than before already.

You told me that you felt I didn’t show my true self to you well you know what I think, I think that you’ve pointed out my flaws, you’ve pointed out how immature i can be or how vain i can be, and all those sub-consciously tells me to change to fit your expectations. How am I suppose to be myself, when all you ever did was not accept the kind of person I am? I am a crude person, a person who swears a lot and a person who puts their emotions on social media and gets in trouble for every shit she posts. I am a vain person that you’ll never going to like anyway. Haha would you like to see that? Would you like to see the other part of me that you’ll run away from? Fuck that cause you know what? I don’t care anymore.

You’re straight forward when insulting people, but you weren’t ever straight forward when you are sharing your deep thoughts. You aren’t very kind or very caring, not very thoughtful and I just thought, maybe if I could enter your life i’d see a different side of you. Maybe if I could just be your special person, then I’ll see how you treat your girlfriend like, because I sure as hell know that if you’re going to be a boyfriend, you’re honestly going to be the best boyfriend ever.

You tell me that my feelings are more important than yours, I agree, that I got greedy and I wanted more from you. I admit to that. What about those times you told me I was immature and you wouldn’t want to be together just yet because it’s not the right time? Heck that I don’t care about not being together but the fact the all I ever wanted was for someone to accept me for who I am and grow together, not just tell me I have to be this kind of person then I qualify to be your girlfriend. Those days that you cancelled on me because you had better things to do. The day when you told me people started questioning you what bracelet that once, then you never wore it already because people questions you about it and you didn’t want to answer, but the fact that you still wore the bracelet your friend from Malaysia gave it to you, and I didn’t say anything about it because, who am I to you after all?

Honestly the only few time I genuinely felt that i was special to you was those time during the movies cause really during those times is all that mattered. I never felt special in your eyes and I never will be because I have to be the person you want me to. I never felt special in your eyes but yet, I could still do cards for you for Valentine’s, letters for you to read when you’re in Malaysia, I could still buy the bracelet for us cause I thought it was be something special that holds us together at least, cause I know that you like gifts. Yet after all these, after all I do to make you feel that you’re special to me, it’s just. never. enough, I was just never the person that make you feel you can show it off to people.

I took care of my own feelings cause I got tired of being treated this way and really. I only thing I remember asking from you is to wish me good morning and good night, and I never said that I wanted even more and i never said that you weren’t doing enough for me, that’s all I really wanted even as we dated, is that really too much to ask for? 

Now you tell me that I cared too much about my feelings and I forgot to protect your feeling, telling me I was the one who made you insecure and broke your trust but honestly, who were you to me that make you feel like you’re obliged to love me? I’m not your girlfriend. 

But it’s fine you know? After all you come from a family that doesn’t show any love, you have friends around you that doesn’t know how to love at all. I get that, you’re constantly protecting your heart and it’s not wrong. You’re constantly finding things to calm yourself down and you’re constantly finding things about me to love because you just can’t accept that you’ve brought yourself into this hole of love that it’s either going to work out or not based on your own fucking judgments. 

It’s fine really, to just blame all the shit on me, blame me for the fact then i am just hanging out with my guy friends and blame me for not showing you who i am truly. Yet I know even as I type all these, I know all you did was for the better good, was for the best, was for protecting your heart. And I never will blame you for what you did cause I know it’s your way of protecting your own heart. 

Just.. I don’t know what to do now. Do I give this up because it’s convenient and just cut us some slack? Or do I continue fighting for us BECAUSE IT’S LOVE? Why not you tell me that, everything I do seems wrong to you anyway haha.